If I had to pick the most popular topic I am asked about, it would have to be " How and why are you successful in a healthy and happy poly amorous household?"
I can tell you that this question comes from those from the BDSM lifestyle MORE then it comes from the vanilla world. (at least when I am asked anyway) Because it is something that is intriguing within our lifestyle. Is it something that is unusual? No, in fact it is more the rule than the exception as there are more poly households within our lifestyle than mono. The question was, however, " How is it successful?"....Hmmm....That tells me that even though our lifestyle is about acceptance and focusing on our true inner strengths, it is still a struggle in many households.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have some "magical" gift of knowing how to build a healthy household. In fact, ours was one that took a LONG time to build and a lot of growth, patience, and education. I am not sure I can sit here and give you a road map to success, but if I had to break it all down to one word? That word would be "compersion"
Ahhhhh.....I see everyone is about to google that word.....Well....Let me make it easy for you and I will paste the definition:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.
To put it into D/s..M/s terms: Happiness and Joy is experienced when a submissive/slave sees their Dominant experiencing joy and happiness through another. One thing I can say that exists in my household is pure compersion. Is that the reason for the success? No, not on its own, but one thing is for certain, we would not be a family if compersion was not present. My girls understand that I have an instinctive need to care for others. This is not a sexual thing and certainly not an ego trip for me. As a Dominant, caring for, protecting, advising, nurturing, and directing is as natural to me as walking and talking. It is part of who I am and always will be. That being said, they find true joy when they see the happiness that they provide for me individually. This is not a competition, it is an acceptance of our core values as a family. That includes those I advice, coach, and mentor "outside" of our family as well.
Now, here is a question that may raise an eyebrow...." Can you teach compersion?" ...Hmmm... I am here to tell you that I did not teach my girls compersion. That is something they felt naturally long before meeting me and it is deep rooted within their submission. That is in fact the "gift" that is offered by a sub/slave. It CANNOT be ordered, commanded, or expected by a Dominant. It also cannot be used as an excuse for a Dominant to engage in reckless behavior, then in turn expect that "compersion" should exist and therefore there is no need for communication.
This is why it is imperative that you focus on alignment at the onset of the relationship. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.
If you are a sub/slave and find it difficult to find happiness from your Dominant sharing his/her time with others, I encourage you to take this article to heart. Why? because the moment that your happiness comes before your Dominants, you cease to be submissive. Now, as I said earlier, as Dominants we cannot engage in reckless behavior and hide behind the compersion expectation. We serve our households as well and we are committed to care for their needs. So, if you have a slave/sub who shows true compersion, don't be a fool and make unilateral decisions and expect perfect obedience in return.
Build with quality and be willing to take months or even years to make sure your household is happy and healthy before moving into a poly environment. If you show up one day with a new sub/slave and introduce them to your household and say" Meet you new sister/brother!" and expect that natural compersion will fix everything. I am here to tell you that you will fail miserably.
If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for! Both of my girls are wonderful women. Many of you know them and see them as healthy, intelligent, happy, secure and articulate, and you would be correct in that they are! But, they had to have faith in me as their Master and once they had that they were able to show their amazing qualities and connect with each other. Their connection to me brings them the compersion we are talking about, but more importantly their connection with each other as siblings makes it "unshakable".
In closing, compersion is the true heart of the gift of submission, but it is a quality that is earned by the Dominant. It is not something that can be expected to cure every issue within the family, but it must exist if the family is going to be healthy and happy. Trust and personal connections are essential between siblings within the home. Once this quality is achieved it become a source of strength within the family and it serves as a force to protect against toxic mindsets.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Mind Your Manners!!
When i was a kid growing up, Mom was a stickler for manners. Wash your hands before eating, no hats at the table or in the house, no fidgeting or interrupting when others were speaking, introduce guests and shake hands when one is introduced, and NEVER address someone you don't know by their first name. Mr. Mrs or Miss at all times. And even if you DO know them--use the proper and polite name until THEY signify otherwise. And even then...even if they were standing right there and telling you it was OK, i would still get the death glare. Why was she so hard on this? Because it showed that i was educated and polite. I was able to be respectful, show grace, and treat people as i would want to be treated. The bonus was that it cost me nothing and gained me respect from people in return. Something that i continued to strive for the rest of my adult life.
Why is this little anecdote important? Lately it has become one of those "issues" that annoy the ever lovin' poop out of me that O/our community has to argue about. Yup, I'm going to sound off here...getting out my soap box and while i will be polite (as always) i am annoyed so i will also be blunt.
Fellow submissives i can not understand for the life of me why it is so hard to address a Dominant (even one you don't know) with Sir or Miss. The only excuse for this i have heard is that "it gives them respect for a title they have not yet earned with me". POPPYCOCK! All it truly does is show that YOU have some intelligence and grace. Enough to be respectful. Just because i called my neighbor Miss Hanson doesn't mean i was now HER child. I was honoring my upbringing and showing my own dignity. And as for earning that much, don't we as submissives complain about the people who arbitrarily call us "girl and boy" or order us to kneel? They don't know us and automatically disrespect us.
Wake up. You are doing the same thing to this stranger. Yes i realize that a true Dominant must prove that title. But you didn't submit to them, give them any power over you or even offer to feed Their goldfish. All you did was show them basic SELF respect. Not to mention a level of polite distance. If i were to yell out to my neighbor "Yo girlfriend what up??" when i hardly know her...this would rather imply that i knew her well enough to be so friendly. By addressing a person who enters the room with a Dominant title as Sir or Miss, i am putting that protective barrier around ME and giving them that respectful space. It is formal and polite..NOT submission or putting yourself beneath them. In fact Sir or Miss doesn't even GIVE them a title. Just basic respect. And we should be able to respect another person at the very least as a human being and give that respectful SPACE. You don't know them. DON'T call them by first name and imply that you do. Or that you have the right to. Further more, i always address strangers as Sir or Miss until they tell me otherwise. Even in RL...big surprise...Sir and Miss and Ma'am ..are all perfectly acceptable in the vanilla RL world. And i am not submitting to THEM either. I can't, with my upbringing, imagine referring to a stranger who walks into a room as "dude". "Thank You SIR" if this man holds the door for me at the store...is BASIC MANNERS.
And i don't care if you are Gore, M/s, D/s or just plain giggleberry. Manners should not be optional. They should be required. A Dominant is required to respect the collar, show respect to other submissives they don't own, and can be very harshly judged when They don't. As submissives it is our OBLIGATION to give at LEAST that amount of respect back. I am owned. I can show that respect and still consider that Dominant my equal. I also believe that not having a collar is no excuse. They are still your equal until you submit...bottom line. The only thing you show when you DON'T use a polite greeting is that you are being too familiar and are clearly an ungraceful slob. And don't give me that horse hockey about "well submissives don't get that polite term". You're a submissive! It is what you signed up for! If you willingly and proudly display to the community that you are submissive, then why take offense when someone uses your given name and not a title? If you had wanted a title, then you would have chosen to be DOMINANT. Be happy and content that they are being polite when they use your name and not "yo slut" the first time they meet you.
Finally, for the Dominants who refuse to allow their submissives to address ANY other Dominant by polite greeting. First...clearly you are an ego maniac who thinks calling another Dominant "Sir" is stealing your spotlight. Second...consider what i just told submissives above and now consider that YOU are a reflected upon by their behavior. Wow..don't YOU just look hunky dory! Of course it is a Dominant's choice how to run their household. Just don't go cryin' in your boots when you don't get respect from others. You made it clear YOU didn't have any for anyone else either.
My final sub-stance: There are MILLIONS of IMPORTANT issues in O/our community. W/we should be focusing on THOSE. Manners should not have to be an issue at your age.
Why is this little anecdote important? Lately it has become one of those "issues" that annoy the ever lovin' poop out of me that O/our community has to argue about. Yup, I'm going to sound off here...getting out my soap box and while i will be polite (as always) i am annoyed so i will also be blunt.
Fellow submissives i can not understand for the life of me why it is so hard to address a Dominant (even one you don't know) with Sir or Miss. The only excuse for this i have heard is that "it gives them respect for a title they have not yet earned with me". POPPYCOCK! All it truly does is show that YOU have some intelligence and grace. Enough to be respectful. Just because i called my neighbor Miss Hanson doesn't mean i was now HER child. I was honoring my upbringing and showing my own dignity. And as for earning that much, don't we as submissives complain about the people who arbitrarily call us "girl and boy" or order us to kneel? They don't know us and automatically disrespect us.
Wake up. You are doing the same thing to this stranger. Yes i realize that a true Dominant must prove that title. But you didn't submit to them, give them any power over you or even offer to feed Their goldfish. All you did was show them basic SELF respect. Not to mention a level of polite distance. If i were to yell out to my neighbor "Yo girlfriend what up??" when i hardly know her...this would rather imply that i knew her well enough to be so friendly. By addressing a person who enters the room with a Dominant title as Sir or Miss, i am putting that protective barrier around ME and giving them that respectful space. It is formal and polite..NOT submission or putting yourself beneath them. In fact Sir or Miss doesn't even GIVE them a title. Just basic respect. And we should be able to respect another person at the very least as a human being and give that respectful SPACE. You don't know them. DON'T call them by first name and imply that you do. Or that you have the right to. Further more, i always address strangers as Sir or Miss until they tell me otherwise. Even in RL...big surprise...Sir and Miss and Ma'am ..are all perfectly acceptable in the vanilla RL world. And i am not submitting to THEM either. I can't, with my upbringing, imagine referring to a stranger who walks into a room as "dude". "Thank You SIR" if this man holds the door for me at the store...is BASIC MANNERS.
And i don't care if you are Gore, M/s, D/s or just plain giggleberry. Manners should not be optional. They should be required. A Dominant is required to respect the collar, show respect to other submissives they don't own, and can be very harshly judged when They don't. As submissives it is our OBLIGATION to give at LEAST that amount of respect back. I am owned. I can show that respect and still consider that Dominant my equal. I also believe that not having a collar is no excuse. They are still your equal until you submit...bottom line. The only thing you show when you DON'T use a polite greeting is that you are being too familiar and are clearly an ungraceful slob. And don't give me that horse hockey about "well submissives don't get that polite term". You're a submissive! It is what you signed up for! If you willingly and proudly display to the community that you are submissive, then why take offense when someone uses your given name and not a title? If you had wanted a title, then you would have chosen to be DOMINANT. Be happy and content that they are being polite when they use your name and not "yo slut" the first time they meet you.
Finally, for the Dominants who refuse to allow their submissives to address ANY other Dominant by polite greeting. First...clearly you are an ego maniac who thinks calling another Dominant "Sir" is stealing your spotlight. Second...consider what i just told submissives above and now consider that YOU are a reflected upon by their behavior. Wow..don't YOU just look hunky dory! Of course it is a Dominant's choice how to run their household. Just don't go cryin' in your boots when you don't get respect from others. You made it clear YOU didn't have any for anyone else either.
My final sub-stance: There are MILLIONS of IMPORTANT issues in O/our community. W/we should be focusing on THOSE. Manners should not have to be an issue at your age.
" The Balancing Act"
Recently we started a new support group at Solace of submission called Dom/me Nation. This had been a work in progress for several weeks now and we finally found a wonderful facilitator to head this project up in Master Ric Bechir. Master Ric was kind enough to offer his ale house on his Sos parcel as a meeting place.
Last Wednesday was our first meeting and I was thrilled with the results. It was attended by several Dominants whom I hold in high regard and respect. Master Merlin Swordthain, Miss Kaddan Yue, and Master Joss Mubble to name a few.
The most intruging thing to me was the fact that from the outside looking in, our households appear to be happy and effortless. Those of us who have households know that no household is on auto pilot and regardless of how healthy they seem, a lot of work is involved in keeping it that way. I am extremely proud of my girls, sarrah and alisha. They are wonderful women and have embraced their submissiveness while at the same time representing me honorably. The other Dominants in attendance are equally proud of their families.
So what was the common denominator at this discussion? It was the " Balancing Act" that we as Dominants struggle with on a daily basis. That is why I love this new discussion group. We all seem to have the same struggles, but because as Dominants we feel we should be "super heros" as it is not easy to talk about our challenges. How liberating it felt to finally open up to each other. It was amazing that after the initial "awkward" silence, once we got going on this topic it flowed like a river. As Dominants we instinctively take on challenges as that is what empowers us to be who we are daily, but what we all seem to do is take on more than we are prepared for. Being able to balance a household with respect to time, care, and growth goals for each submissive under our care leaves us feeling stretched out emotionally at times. We want to be everything for everyone at all times but this is not a realistic expectation. The gift we offer is the gift of our time and attention. With RL challenges in the mix it is easy to assume our submissives are on "auto pilot". The other factor is that submissives naturally tend to not burden us with issues if they sense we are overwhelmed. That is a wonderful quality for a sub mindset, but in fact keeping these burdens from us removes our power as the heads of the households. The decision as to what to do with burdens is OUR decision and our households must trust that the decisions we make will benefit the entire household.
In order to balance our time and energy it is necessary for us to withdraw into ourselves. Not because we want avoid the issues, but because is it natural for us to absorb, process, and decide. That may require having to spend extra time with a submissive who is needing specialized care to acheive his/her goals. Should the decision to spend extra time be of concern for siblings within the houshold? You would think that there is enough trust and respect built that our decision to spend extra time with a submissive in need would be understood. In most cases it is understood, but that does not mean that it is an easy pill to swallow. I asked a question the other day during a discussion to the subs/slaves in attendance...." Do you want to be the sub/slave within the household that needs your Dominant's constant attention with issues? Or do you want to be the one he/she comes to for peace and tranquility?" Looking at it through that standpoint gives peace when faced with feeling a lack of time is an issue.
Admittedly, we Dominants can have "tunnel vision" and there are times when we missed the signals being sent out. At least I know that is true in my case as I strive to hold myself accountable to my core values. Thankfully, I have learned from the Dom/me Nation support group is that I do not have to internalize my challenges. I can lay these burdens out to my fellow brothers and sisters in this community. We are also benefiting from the fact that as a group we can hold eachother accountable for decisions that have caused issues within households. That way we can learn to balance our lives in a healthy way and become better each day as we take this journey together.
Last Wednesday was our first meeting and I was thrilled with the results. It was attended by several Dominants whom I hold in high regard and respect. Master Merlin Swordthain, Miss Kaddan Yue, and Master Joss Mubble to name a few.
The most intruging thing to me was the fact that from the outside looking in, our households appear to be happy and effortless. Those of us who have households know that no household is on auto pilot and regardless of how healthy they seem, a lot of work is involved in keeping it that way. I am extremely proud of my girls, sarrah and alisha. They are wonderful women and have embraced their submissiveness while at the same time representing me honorably. The other Dominants in attendance are equally proud of their families.
So what was the common denominator at this discussion? It was the " Balancing Act" that we as Dominants struggle with on a daily basis. That is why I love this new discussion group. We all seem to have the same struggles, but because as Dominants we feel we should be "super heros" as it is not easy to talk about our challenges. How liberating it felt to finally open up to each other. It was amazing that after the initial "awkward" silence, once we got going on this topic it flowed like a river. As Dominants we instinctively take on challenges as that is what empowers us to be who we are daily, but what we all seem to do is take on more than we are prepared for. Being able to balance a household with respect to time, care, and growth goals for each submissive under our care leaves us feeling stretched out emotionally at times. We want to be everything for everyone at all times but this is not a realistic expectation. The gift we offer is the gift of our time and attention. With RL challenges in the mix it is easy to assume our submissives are on "auto pilot". The other factor is that submissives naturally tend to not burden us with issues if they sense we are overwhelmed. That is a wonderful quality for a sub mindset, but in fact keeping these burdens from us removes our power as the heads of the households. The decision as to what to do with burdens is OUR decision and our households must trust that the decisions we make will benefit the entire household.
In order to balance our time and energy it is necessary for us to withdraw into ourselves. Not because we want avoid the issues, but because is it natural for us to absorb, process, and decide. That may require having to spend extra time with a submissive who is needing specialized care to acheive his/her goals. Should the decision to spend extra time be of concern for siblings within the houshold? You would think that there is enough trust and respect built that our decision to spend extra time with a submissive in need would be understood. In most cases it is understood, but that does not mean that it is an easy pill to swallow. I asked a question the other day during a discussion to the subs/slaves in attendance...." Do you want to be the sub/slave within the household that needs your Dominant's constant attention with issues? Or do you want to be the one he/she comes to for peace and tranquility?" Looking at it through that standpoint gives peace when faced with feeling a lack of time is an issue.
Admittedly, we Dominants can have "tunnel vision" and there are times when we missed the signals being sent out. At least I know that is true in my case as I strive to hold myself accountable to my core values. Thankfully, I have learned from the Dom/me Nation support group is that I do not have to internalize my challenges. I can lay these burdens out to my fellow brothers and sisters in this community. We are also benefiting from the fact that as a group we can hold eachother accountable for decisions that have caused issues within households. That way we can learn to balance our lives in a healthy way and become better each day as we take this journey together.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Cat Fight!!..When Siblings Square Off Part 2 .."The Sibling Factor"
Alright, in my last post, round one of the cat fight, i talked about how a Dominant introducing a new submissive into the household has an effect on the current submissive. I explained how it can negatively affect that first submissive (and in turn the new one) if the new submissive is not introduced carefully. And i discussed how certain set ups can create competition between siblings and eventually lead to failure.
But now lets us be fair here. Ultimately the two people who are going to determine if the poly house succeeds or not are the siblings. And no matter how carefully and slowly the Dominant makes that transition, if the siblings wont bond they will eventually tear down the house. At the very least they will put the Dominant in the very uncomfortable position of having to send one away.
There goes the bell and here is round two!
Suzie subbie is mad. She passed annoyed and disgruntled and is now stewing like a pot of tomatoes. Master introduced Sally subbie as a friend and made it clear He would like the two subs to become sisters down the road. Now Master told Suzie in the PE He might consider a poly house in the future, but she didn't really believe He would want to. She was sure she could change His mind once she was collared. Yet here is Sally whom they met at the last lecture.
Yea yea so she is nice and the three of them did have a good time talking and all. But that is a big difference than actually having Sally sitting right there. Suzie heard that Sally was coming for a visit. That Master was talking with her and may give her a consideration collar down the road. He wants them to get to know each other and be friends. Suzie may sit there and paint a smile on her face but she is feeling jealous about this girls presence.
And Suzie stews. The steam rises as time goes but Suzie has a lid on it. She is going to keep that lid on tight till she blows sky high and takes the house down with her. In this scenario, Suzie made her mind up even before she had the collar actually on that she was in charge. She went into the collar believing that no matter what Dominant said at the PE, she would change His mind. She would mold Master to be what SHE wanted. So in truth she has never really submitted at all. A submissive gives themselves to the will of the Dominant. The moment we start to critique our Dominant and do our own "interior decorating" with them, try to make them change to suit US, we are taking away any submission and topping blatantly. And as W/we all know, there is only one D in the D/s relationship.
Now there are a few ways Suzie's story could turn out when that lid blows. She could put a sweet-as-peaches face on to Sally but complain about any detail she can find to Master. If Master calls her on it though, and reminds her that He did say He wanted poly AND that there can be no room for jealousy..well...
Suzie is not likely to take this well. In fact she could turn on her own Dominant if she doesn't get her way. In no time she could be going from sim to sim telling everyone in earshot how rotten He is and how awful Sally is too.
That's one way to bring down the house. Another would be if Suzie decided to plot against Sally. Arrange it so that Master's mind is changed. Maybe tell Him she has heard rumors about Sally. Or set Sally up somehow to look bad.
And how is poor Sally to take all this? Chances are, not real good. She is human and eventually will return fire. Or worse, she may take on a huge burden of guilt that she somehow is responsible for ruining the household. In this instance though Sally is innocent. Suzie alone is responsible for acting out of jealousy and trying to run the house. Suzie alone brought the house down with her own behavior. But it could be Sally carrying the guilt. And if Sally is new to the lifestyle, you can bet she wont be coming back any time soon.
Now lets look at another scenario. This time Suzie is the "good girl". She has openly and lovingly accepted Sally into the home and is working very hard to help Sally feel welcomed. The trouble is Sally isn't making it easy. In fact Sally would rather that Suzie just shut up and go away.
Now the fact is Sally does not owe Suzie any sort of bond. The bond she owes is to Master. And as long as she is serving Master, following the rules, and being respectful..she does not have to give Suzie the time of day.
So lets say that is the case. Sally literally ignores Suzie and makes it clear she is not there to be bothered with a sibling bond. It wont be long before Suzie's feelings are hurt by this cold "sibling". To make matters worse, if Master is spending extra time with Sally to help build the D/s bond, Suzie will most definitely feel as though she is becoming an outsider and possibly a throw away.
In this case the only thing Suzie can really do is talk to Master. With any luck, He will listen and watch to see how the siblings interact. Then, if the coldness is actually noted, He can take steps to solve the trouble. Of course if He chooses to ignore the problem...or worse, Suzie chooses to keep quiet...eventually Suzie is going to feel completely isolated from Master and her would-be sister. This feeling to a submissive can be devastating and Suzie's Master may very well walk in one day to find Suzie's collar on the floor with no Suzie in it.
Of course, if the feeling of isolation is because Suzie chose not to speak to Master, then by removing her collar she has disrespected it (and her vows to her Master) which makes the end result her own fault. She chose not to trust Master with her feelings. She chose not to share and communicate and acted in self interest alone. Sound harsh? Sometimes the truth does hurt.
Now lets try another attack! Sally has actually been fully collared and is in the home. Suzie has been gracious to her and even welcoming. When talking to Master Suzie appeared happy. They both do. But after a few shopping trips together the siblings find themselves often butting heads. They cant seem to agree on anything. Pretty soon they find it hard to be in the same room without arguing about something. If this sounds a hell of a lot like an RL sibling...trust me it is. I have three and we couldn't live under the same roof.
Its a personality thing. One is quiet and one is loud, one is clean and one is sloppy...you get the picture. Remember Oscar and Felix?
The problem is sooner or later the arguments between these two will spill out from private confrontation between just them and begin to take over the house. Master will be forced to listen to the bickering as will anyone else near by. The really BIG problem this can lead to is that usually when people argue like this, they tend not to listen to anything anyone else has to say. While they are shouting at each other, they are ignoring Master. If Master separates them, they may both take it personally and lash out at Him or throw little tantrums. In this case what is lacking is respect between the siblings and communication.
This issue CAN have a fairly happy ending but only if Master is able to find a way to get them to cooperate. Perhaps redirecting their attention to serving Him, or projects that force them to work together and help each other. Of course i did say "fairly" happy.
The Dominant may very well be able to regain control of the fighting but the tension will still be there. The siblings have to actually feel respect for each other on a genuine level.If they fake it and put on proper and polite face, the root problem is still there. The tension has not been addressed and is still building. The Dominant needs very much to find some common ground between them that Suzie and Sally can truly bond over. Otherwise sooner or later one of the siblings will snap and do the unthinkable; give the Dominant an ultimatum to pick a side.
Which brings us to the bitter end of it. The moment when a Dominant is faced with the fact that the siblings are never going to bond and He or She must choose which sibling to let go of. Keep in mind that, to a Dominant, each sibling is equal and loved the same. Letting go of one, having to tell that one "sorry but this will just not work", is a devastation to the Dominant.
I may be submissive but i can certainly see how this situation can leave even a Dominant feeling insecure and like a failure. It was Their decision after all. Even if They did everything right and did all They could, if They are forced to make a decision, They are very likely to question what They did wrong. And actually coming to that decision, presenting it to one of the submissives, well i honestly would not want to be in those shoes. And i REALLY would not want to be the one Dominant decided to release.
Fellow submissives this is a cruel and bad place to put your Dominant and yourself. First submissive needs to be aware that just because she or he is first does not necessarily mean you will be granted to stay. Having the title of "first" is not automatic immunity to bad behavior.The Dominant will be forced to look at the situation, weigh where the problem may lie, and release accordingly. If the issue is that first submissive is not accepting the idea of the poly house and trying to force the Dominant into a mono home, first submissive may find themselves walking. Especially if they were told at the PE that poly house would be a possibility or their behavior has been abusive to the Dominant and/or the sibling.
Keep in mind, too, that if the Dominant feels BOTH submissives have been disrespectful and that neither of them have considered their bond to Dominant, the Dominant may decide to clean house and start over from scratch. Both submissives out the door for disgracing the Dominant. After all, while you were fighting with your sibling, you were ignoring your Dominant. Or worse; treating Dominant like the prize at a mud wrestling challenge. Fighting with a sibling for the Dominant's attention is the same as fighting for ownership of Dominant. Just as a reminder; the submissive does NOT own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive. And can very easily DISown them too.
My final substance on the cat fight; everyone within the household must act responsibly and respectfully if the poly dynamic is to work. Whether it is Dominant or submissive, if any fail to act carefully or with regard to the O/others in the household it WILL fail. And ultimately we are all responsible for our actions. If we act out of jealousy, self indulgence, arrogance, competition, or just plain thoughtlessness for others, the only one who can be blamed is ourselves. Of course you are entitled to your feelings. We don't control those. But we can control our actions even when we feel someone has wronged us.
Submissive siblings CAN form an amazing bond. I have only to think of Alisha and know this is so. I can not describe how proud i am to be blessed with such a sister or my gratitude to Master for bringing her into the family. But this did not happen overnight. It took time, communication, patience, and a true openness for U/us all to bond as a family. It will continue to be this way so long as W/we are a family.
W/we are blessed, yes. But W/we also did the work to get here. My bond with sis is just as strong (if not stronger) as my bond with my blood siblings but if either of us had acted out of self interest this family would not be what it is.
So if a poly house is where you are headed, and you hope to have a tight bond....be ready. Be ready to take time and be open to each other. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. And be ready to put the happiness of your family members at the center of your own happiness. Should anything go wrong, be ready to act with dignity and respect. If you are submissive, remember your place both with your Dominant and with siblings. There can be no promise that the household will succeed. But it stands a much better chance if everyone in the house shares the common bond of caring.
Funny how that works...with any relationship.
But now lets us be fair here. Ultimately the two people who are going to determine if the poly house succeeds or not are the siblings. And no matter how carefully and slowly the Dominant makes that transition, if the siblings wont bond they will eventually tear down the house. At the very least they will put the Dominant in the very uncomfortable position of having to send one away.
There goes the bell and here is round two!
Suzie subbie is mad. She passed annoyed and disgruntled and is now stewing like a pot of tomatoes. Master introduced Sally subbie as a friend and made it clear He would like the two subs to become sisters down the road. Now Master told Suzie in the PE He might consider a poly house in the future, but she didn't really believe He would want to. She was sure she could change His mind once she was collared. Yet here is Sally whom they met at the last lecture.
Yea yea so she is nice and the three of them did have a good time talking and all. But that is a big difference than actually having Sally sitting right there. Suzie heard that Sally was coming for a visit. That Master was talking with her and may give her a consideration collar down the road. He wants them to get to know each other and be friends. Suzie may sit there and paint a smile on her face but she is feeling jealous about this girls presence.
And Suzie stews. The steam rises as time goes but Suzie has a lid on it. She is going to keep that lid on tight till she blows sky high and takes the house down with her. In this scenario, Suzie made her mind up even before she had the collar actually on that she was in charge. She went into the collar believing that no matter what Dominant said at the PE, she would change His mind. She would mold Master to be what SHE wanted. So in truth she has never really submitted at all. A submissive gives themselves to the will of the Dominant. The moment we start to critique our Dominant and do our own "interior decorating" with them, try to make them change to suit US, we are taking away any submission and topping blatantly. And as W/we all know, there is only one D in the D/s relationship.
Now there are a few ways Suzie's story could turn out when that lid blows. She could put a sweet-as-peaches face on to Sally but complain about any detail she can find to Master. If Master calls her on it though, and reminds her that He did say He wanted poly AND that there can be no room for jealousy..well...
Suzie is not likely to take this well. In fact she could turn on her own Dominant if she doesn't get her way. In no time she could be going from sim to sim telling everyone in earshot how rotten He is and how awful Sally is too.
That's one way to bring down the house. Another would be if Suzie decided to plot against Sally. Arrange it so that Master's mind is changed. Maybe tell Him she has heard rumors about Sally. Or set Sally up somehow to look bad.
And how is poor Sally to take all this? Chances are, not real good. She is human and eventually will return fire. Or worse, she may take on a huge burden of guilt that she somehow is responsible for ruining the household. In this instance though Sally is innocent. Suzie alone is responsible for acting out of jealousy and trying to run the house. Suzie alone brought the house down with her own behavior. But it could be Sally carrying the guilt. And if Sally is new to the lifestyle, you can bet she wont be coming back any time soon.
Now lets look at another scenario. This time Suzie is the "good girl". She has openly and lovingly accepted Sally into the home and is working very hard to help Sally feel welcomed. The trouble is Sally isn't making it easy. In fact Sally would rather that Suzie just shut up and go away.
Now the fact is Sally does not owe Suzie any sort of bond. The bond she owes is to Master. And as long as she is serving Master, following the rules, and being respectful..she does not have to give Suzie the time of day.
So lets say that is the case. Sally literally ignores Suzie and makes it clear she is not there to be bothered with a sibling bond. It wont be long before Suzie's feelings are hurt by this cold "sibling". To make matters worse, if Master is spending extra time with Sally to help build the D/s bond, Suzie will most definitely feel as though she is becoming an outsider and possibly a throw away.
In this case the only thing Suzie can really do is talk to Master. With any luck, He will listen and watch to see how the siblings interact. Then, if the coldness is actually noted, He can take steps to solve the trouble. Of course if He chooses to ignore the problem...or worse, Suzie chooses to keep quiet...eventually Suzie is going to feel completely isolated from Master and her would-be sister. This feeling to a submissive can be devastating and Suzie's Master may very well walk in one day to find Suzie's collar on the floor with no Suzie in it.
Of course, if the feeling of isolation is because Suzie chose not to speak to Master, then by removing her collar she has disrespected it (and her vows to her Master) which makes the end result her own fault. She chose not to trust Master with her feelings. She chose not to share and communicate and acted in self interest alone. Sound harsh? Sometimes the truth does hurt.
Now lets try another attack! Sally has actually been fully collared and is in the home. Suzie has been gracious to her and even welcoming. When talking to Master Suzie appeared happy. They both do. But after a few shopping trips together the siblings find themselves often butting heads. They cant seem to agree on anything. Pretty soon they find it hard to be in the same room without arguing about something. If this sounds a hell of a lot like an RL sibling...trust me it is. I have three and we couldn't live under the same roof.
Its a personality thing. One is quiet and one is loud, one is clean and one is sloppy...you get the picture. Remember Oscar and Felix?
The problem is sooner or later the arguments between these two will spill out from private confrontation between just them and begin to take over the house. Master will be forced to listen to the bickering as will anyone else near by. The really BIG problem this can lead to is that usually when people argue like this, they tend not to listen to anything anyone else has to say. While they are shouting at each other, they are ignoring Master. If Master separates them, they may both take it personally and lash out at Him or throw little tantrums. In this case what is lacking is respect between the siblings and communication.
This issue CAN have a fairly happy ending but only if Master is able to find a way to get them to cooperate. Perhaps redirecting their attention to serving Him, or projects that force them to work together and help each other. Of course i did say "fairly" happy.
The Dominant may very well be able to regain control of the fighting but the tension will still be there. The siblings have to actually feel respect for each other on a genuine level.If they fake it and put on proper and polite face, the root problem is still there. The tension has not been addressed and is still building. The Dominant needs very much to find some common ground between them that Suzie and Sally can truly bond over. Otherwise sooner or later one of the siblings will snap and do the unthinkable; give the Dominant an ultimatum to pick a side.
Which brings us to the bitter end of it. The moment when a Dominant is faced with the fact that the siblings are never going to bond and He or She must choose which sibling to let go of. Keep in mind that, to a Dominant, each sibling is equal and loved the same. Letting go of one, having to tell that one "sorry but this will just not work", is a devastation to the Dominant.
I may be submissive but i can certainly see how this situation can leave even a Dominant feeling insecure and like a failure. It was Their decision after all. Even if They did everything right and did all They could, if They are forced to make a decision, They are very likely to question what They did wrong. And actually coming to that decision, presenting it to one of the submissives, well i honestly would not want to be in those shoes. And i REALLY would not want to be the one Dominant decided to release.
Fellow submissives this is a cruel and bad place to put your Dominant and yourself. First submissive needs to be aware that just because she or he is first does not necessarily mean you will be granted to stay. Having the title of "first" is not automatic immunity to bad behavior.The Dominant will be forced to look at the situation, weigh where the problem may lie, and release accordingly. If the issue is that first submissive is not accepting the idea of the poly house and trying to force the Dominant into a mono home, first submissive may find themselves walking. Especially if they were told at the PE that poly house would be a possibility or their behavior has been abusive to the Dominant and/or the sibling.
Keep in mind, too, that if the Dominant feels BOTH submissives have been disrespectful and that neither of them have considered their bond to Dominant, the Dominant may decide to clean house and start over from scratch. Both submissives out the door for disgracing the Dominant. After all, while you were fighting with your sibling, you were ignoring your Dominant. Or worse; treating Dominant like the prize at a mud wrestling challenge. Fighting with a sibling for the Dominant's attention is the same as fighting for ownership of Dominant. Just as a reminder; the submissive does NOT own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive. And can very easily DISown them too.
My final substance on the cat fight; everyone within the household must act responsibly and respectfully if the poly dynamic is to work. Whether it is Dominant or submissive, if any fail to act carefully or with regard to the O/others in the household it WILL fail. And ultimately we are all responsible for our actions. If we act out of jealousy, self indulgence, arrogance, competition, or just plain thoughtlessness for others, the only one who can be blamed is ourselves. Of course you are entitled to your feelings. We don't control those. But we can control our actions even when we feel someone has wronged us.
Submissive siblings CAN form an amazing bond. I have only to think of Alisha and know this is so. I can not describe how proud i am to be blessed with such a sister or my gratitude to Master for bringing her into the family. But this did not happen overnight. It took time, communication, patience, and a true openness for U/us all to bond as a family. It will continue to be this way so long as W/we are a family.
W/we are blessed, yes. But W/we also did the work to get here. My bond with sis is just as strong (if not stronger) as my bond with my blood siblings but if either of us had acted out of self interest this family would not be what it is.
So if a poly house is where you are headed, and you hope to have a tight bond....be ready. Be ready to take time and be open to each other. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. And be ready to put the happiness of your family members at the center of your own happiness. Should anything go wrong, be ready to act with dignity and respect. If you are submissive, remember your place both with your Dominant and with siblings. There can be no promise that the household will succeed. But it stands a much better chance if everyone in the house shares the common bond of caring.
Funny how that works...with any relationship.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Cat Fight!!! ..When Siblings Square off--Part 1 "Dominant's Role"
Whether its in world or in blog, most of my work is based on the dynamics of the poly/multi house. Perhaps this is because of all the topics involving the lifestyle, this is the one that is the most challenging. When you think about it, everything a submissive learns is needed when entering a poly household. Everything from being able to understand your own needs, to communication with your Dominant, building trust, and building respect..all of it is needed when entering poly. Why?
We need to know our limits and feelings, we need to be able to communicate them effectively, we need to be able to trust our Dominants decision when bringing a new sibling into the household, and we need to respect both our sibling and the relationship between sibling and Dominant. All of these need to be in line if the poly house is to survive. What happens when something is off? Yup, rivalry. Let me describe some of the most common scenarios i have witnessed to explain my point.
A Dominant introduces a new sibling to the relationship too quickly (for instance suddenly arriving with this new sibling unannounced one day) the result can be just as swift. The first girl, having no previous knowledge that Dominant was even considering another submissive, is thrown into a turmoil. As a submissive i can tell you what those feelings will be.
1) How did my Dominant know this person and for how long? How long have i been kept in the dark?
2) What am i doing wrong?
3) Am i not pleasing Dominant any longer? Am i being replaced?
4) This was never mentioned that i would have siblings. When did Dominant change His/Her mind?
Point one is a total destruction of trust. The Dominant did not share what was going on with the first girl. Now she feels secrets are being kept from her and loses that bond of trust upon which she has built her entire submission. Point two is the natural tendency for any submissive to take responsibility for things even if they had no control. They automatically assume they are doing something wrong that prompted the Dominant to bring in someone new. Which leads automatically to point three. That feeling the first girl will have that she is no longer pleasing to the Dominant. That this new girl is her replacement and she is soon to be tossed to the curb. Finally point four. She was never told about this change and was caught off guard completely. She has had no time process the information or even to understand why the Dominant is bringing this new person into the household. Keep in mind too that if the submissive is newer to the lifestyle a Dominant may have to spend more time training and teaching that submissive before trying to introduce a new dynamic.
The end result of this scenario is just as swift as the emotions that come to the first girl. I have seen houses fall in an hour. When no consideration is made for the first girls feelings about changing the structure of the household and it is tossed in her lap how can she have trust? Clearly the decision was not made with her best interest at heart (the whole point of submitting to someone we trust) because her heart was not considered. Certainly it is the Dominants right to run the household as They see fit but as Master does say in His classes "Dominant has the final say but the submissive has the final action". Usually the final action a submissive has almost immediately is the removal of the collar.
Next scenario! Dominant does talk to the first girl. She is told of the Dominants interest in expanding the house and even introduced to the new girl before any collar is given to the new one. They are given time to spend together in each others company to start a sibling bond. But immediately first girl senses something off with this new one. She tries to make nice but something about the way the new one behaves or speaks sounds disrespectful or even mean. She wants to talk to her Dominant and share her concerns but Dominant is so keen on having this new submissive They don't allow first girl to speak or hear her if she is allowed to speak.
Dominants of the world please. Take time to listen to your first girl if she has concerns about someone. You don't have to make any decision right away but pay attention to this new person. Perhaps you are only given one side (the good side) while your girl is being disrespected behind your back. It is also just as true first girl may be having doubts based more on her own insecurities than actual fact. But shouldn't you know your first girl is feeling insecure? Should not that be addressed if that turns out to be the issue? Doubts and fears about a change in the household are very natural but it is important to resolve the root of those feelings if a healthy house is to be built.
Next scene. The household is being built and all SEEMS ok on the surface. Perhaps even Dominant is not really aware of any issues. But underneath it all the siblings are barely tolerant of each other. They have tried to form a bond but can find no common ground. Worse, they both may not wish to be the first to say anything for fear of displeasing Dominant. Neither of them may have done anything wrong but they simply cant seem to stand each other. Unfortunately we all have that issue in this world. Some people just rub us the wrong way and we are unable to really explain why. There is no good reason. We just plain don't like being around them and their little quirks turn into serious annoyances.
In this instance Dominant needs to be very aware. He or She needs to be able to sense when there is tension in the room. Does the family chat and have fun all together? Do the siblings spend time together when you are not there? Do they talk of each other when the other is not around? If a sibling bond is truly formed they will praise each other openly. If it is not being well formed they may speak very little of the other (barely nice about it) or mention "little" things that made them "annoyed" but not want expand on the issue. Tension in the household that is not addressed will eventually mushroom. Ever make one of those "Pop Fresh" popcorn in a tin things where the foil rises up and up until it bursts? Not pleasant to deal with in a household. And unless the heat itself is turned off and the issues addressed, it almost certainly will end badly.
And Finally. Dominant introduces the new submissive into the household and decides to form a hierarchy for the sake of the happiness of first girl. First girl comes before the new one and should (of course) be the role model. But it is made clear that she is also AHEAD of the new one at all times. This set up has been referred to as "stairway to heaven", where there is one head submissive and each one added is a step lower. While again the Dominant has the right make that choice, please be aware of the impending doom. This set up inherently creates rivalry. The first may consider her/him self to be above the others in all things and actually try to dominate. They may not even be aware of it, but they treat the "lower" submissives as beneath them quite literally as people. The "lower" submissives may turn around and see the "first or head" submissive as an obstacle to overcome. Like climbing the rungs of a business ladder. They may have the feeling that if they can topple the first, then they can enjoy the top rung.
A set up like this is a sure fire way to start fireworks but i must also make clear a difference between a stair way and a commitment. Dominant made the first commitment to the first. Making sure that the new submissive understands they are not LESS than the first (both loved and honored equally) or that favorites will be played. But that if a bond is unable to be reached between the two, the first bond is the first one respected. In other words, the new one may have to look for another household. Does this open the door for first to behave badly? It sure does. First can very easily use this as an excuse to push the second one away by using petty arguments and behavior and then claim the bond "just isn't there". But the first commitment is one of responsibility NOT entitlement. If a first behaves badly and uses that bond as an excuse, that bond becomes null and void. Pay attention fellow firsts! Just because you have that first bond and commitment with Master is NOT an excuse to be petty or pick fights. In fact just the opposite. It is even more reason to uphold the honor of that bond by being open and kind. If you do not respect that bond, you don't deserve it.
Now, as the title indicates there is a part two to this blog and also obvious that it will be the submissives roll in the cat fight. After all, the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility in the poly house. But i chose them first because They are the ones to make that decision and they are the ones who have the final say. If a Dominant makes the choice to change the dynamics of a household then they need to be aware of the trouble that could come of it. It only makes sense to make the change carefully, honestly, and with consideration of any submissive already owned at heart.
As for my usual final Sub-Stance, i will hold that until i have finished the second half ;)
We need to know our limits and feelings, we need to be able to communicate them effectively, we need to be able to trust our Dominants decision when bringing a new sibling into the household, and we need to respect both our sibling and the relationship between sibling and Dominant. All of these need to be in line if the poly house is to survive. What happens when something is off? Yup, rivalry. Let me describe some of the most common scenarios i have witnessed to explain my point.
A Dominant introduces a new sibling to the relationship too quickly (for instance suddenly arriving with this new sibling unannounced one day) the result can be just as swift. The first girl, having no previous knowledge that Dominant was even considering another submissive, is thrown into a turmoil. As a submissive i can tell you what those feelings will be.
1) How did my Dominant know this person and for how long? How long have i been kept in the dark?
2) What am i doing wrong?
3) Am i not pleasing Dominant any longer? Am i being replaced?
4) This was never mentioned that i would have siblings. When did Dominant change His/Her mind?
Point one is a total destruction of trust. The Dominant did not share what was going on with the first girl. Now she feels secrets are being kept from her and loses that bond of trust upon which she has built her entire submission. Point two is the natural tendency for any submissive to take responsibility for things even if they had no control. They automatically assume they are doing something wrong that prompted the Dominant to bring in someone new. Which leads automatically to point three. That feeling the first girl will have that she is no longer pleasing to the Dominant. That this new girl is her replacement and she is soon to be tossed to the curb. Finally point four. She was never told about this change and was caught off guard completely. She has had no time process the information or even to understand why the Dominant is bringing this new person into the household. Keep in mind too that if the submissive is newer to the lifestyle a Dominant may have to spend more time training and teaching that submissive before trying to introduce a new dynamic.
The end result of this scenario is just as swift as the emotions that come to the first girl. I have seen houses fall in an hour. When no consideration is made for the first girls feelings about changing the structure of the household and it is tossed in her lap how can she have trust? Clearly the decision was not made with her best interest at heart (the whole point of submitting to someone we trust) because her heart was not considered. Certainly it is the Dominants right to run the household as They see fit but as Master does say in His classes "Dominant has the final say but the submissive has the final action". Usually the final action a submissive has almost immediately is the removal of the collar.
Next scenario! Dominant does talk to the first girl. She is told of the Dominants interest in expanding the house and even introduced to the new girl before any collar is given to the new one. They are given time to spend together in each others company to start a sibling bond. But immediately first girl senses something off with this new one. She tries to make nice but something about the way the new one behaves or speaks sounds disrespectful or even mean. She wants to talk to her Dominant and share her concerns but Dominant is so keen on having this new submissive They don't allow first girl to speak or hear her if she is allowed to speak.
Dominants of the world please. Take time to listen to your first girl if she has concerns about someone. You don't have to make any decision right away but pay attention to this new person. Perhaps you are only given one side (the good side) while your girl is being disrespected behind your back. It is also just as true first girl may be having doubts based more on her own insecurities than actual fact. But shouldn't you know your first girl is feeling insecure? Should not that be addressed if that turns out to be the issue? Doubts and fears about a change in the household are very natural but it is important to resolve the root of those feelings if a healthy house is to be built.
Next scene. The household is being built and all SEEMS ok on the surface. Perhaps even Dominant is not really aware of any issues. But underneath it all the siblings are barely tolerant of each other. They have tried to form a bond but can find no common ground. Worse, they both may not wish to be the first to say anything for fear of displeasing Dominant. Neither of them may have done anything wrong but they simply cant seem to stand each other. Unfortunately we all have that issue in this world. Some people just rub us the wrong way and we are unable to really explain why. There is no good reason. We just plain don't like being around them and their little quirks turn into serious annoyances.
In this instance Dominant needs to be very aware. He or She needs to be able to sense when there is tension in the room. Does the family chat and have fun all together? Do the siblings spend time together when you are not there? Do they talk of each other when the other is not around? If a sibling bond is truly formed they will praise each other openly. If it is not being well formed they may speak very little of the other (barely nice about it) or mention "little" things that made them "annoyed" but not want expand on the issue. Tension in the household that is not addressed will eventually mushroom. Ever make one of those "Pop Fresh" popcorn in a tin things where the foil rises up and up until it bursts? Not pleasant to deal with in a household. And unless the heat itself is turned off and the issues addressed, it almost certainly will end badly.
And Finally. Dominant introduces the new submissive into the household and decides to form a hierarchy for the sake of the happiness of first girl. First girl comes before the new one and should (of course) be the role model. But it is made clear that she is also AHEAD of the new one at all times. This set up has been referred to as "stairway to heaven", where there is one head submissive and each one added is a step lower. While again the Dominant has the right make that choice, please be aware of the impending doom. This set up inherently creates rivalry. The first may consider her/him self to be above the others in all things and actually try to dominate. They may not even be aware of it, but they treat the "lower" submissives as beneath them quite literally as people. The "lower" submissives may turn around and see the "first or head" submissive as an obstacle to overcome. Like climbing the rungs of a business ladder. They may have the feeling that if they can topple the first, then they can enjoy the top rung.
A set up like this is a sure fire way to start fireworks but i must also make clear a difference between a stair way and a commitment. Dominant made the first commitment to the first. Making sure that the new submissive understands they are not LESS than the first (both loved and honored equally) or that favorites will be played. But that if a bond is unable to be reached between the two, the first bond is the first one respected. In other words, the new one may have to look for another household. Does this open the door for first to behave badly? It sure does. First can very easily use this as an excuse to push the second one away by using petty arguments and behavior and then claim the bond "just isn't there". But the first commitment is one of responsibility NOT entitlement. If a first behaves badly and uses that bond as an excuse, that bond becomes null and void. Pay attention fellow firsts! Just because you have that first bond and commitment with Master is NOT an excuse to be petty or pick fights. In fact just the opposite. It is even more reason to uphold the honor of that bond by being open and kind. If you do not respect that bond, you don't deserve it.
Now, as the title indicates there is a part two to this blog and also obvious that it will be the submissives roll in the cat fight. After all, the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility in the poly house. But i chose them first because They are the ones to make that decision and they are the ones who have the final say. If a Dominant makes the choice to change the dynamics of a household then they need to be aware of the trouble that could come of it. It only makes sense to make the change carefully, honestly, and with consideration of any submissive already owned at heart.
As for my usual final Sub-Stance, i will hold that until i have finished the second half ;)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
New Facilitators Expectations
The recent celebration of 900 members in the group has resulted with more interest by the general community to create more schools and facilitators. Jovial has constructed a new form of information in order to express our expectations on admitting new members into the ACES facilitators roles.
We request:
to attend your event 3 times prior to accepting your interest in facilitation
have an already established facilitator refer you to the role
have a text or voice based interview of your education facility
Jovial and I are not mediators in situations. Although we do get messages about situations that do arise. We will be true to ourselves and utilize the disclaimer that all educators and members are responsible for their actions and behavior in and outside of ACES. We will not tolerate abuse or drama.
You may ask either Jovial or I for the form for new facilitators. Enclosed is the etiquette guidelines and network application in the note card.
Thanks!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Something Of Value: The Toothbrush and the Ticket
I can not tell you how many times, as a submissive and as a person, i have said "i am not worthy". How many times i have felt the power of Master's love, the joy of the gifts He gives me and thought myself not good enough to deserve them. And how many times He has told me the one thing that truly disappoints Him is when i do this. It is a mindset that many have and one that is, unfortunately, something that comes with having been hurt or a sense of guilt for hurt we have caused.
But i am learning. I am learning that i am not perfect. I make mistakes and will continue to do so. As long as i take honest responsibility for them, do not make them out of sheer malice, and try my best to learn from them then the worst that can really be said is that i am human. I am also learning that holding on to past hurt and the insecurity it caused is a way for my past to control my present. The past is over and i have to let it go if i am to truly accept and appreciate what Master gives me now. By holding on to it i put someone else's actions above those of Master.
So how should i view myself and improve my self esteem? And what about the toothbrush? I had to think of my submission and gift to Him. How much value does it have? In my own eyes i was not worth much. But what does this say about the gift i give to Him? I was careful when i finally gave my heart to Master because i did not want to be hurt again. And He gave me the sense of security, honesty and dignity i needed to trust. I could have simply decided that abuse was all i was worthy of. I had enough self respect to give myself only to the One who earned my trust. That is part of what makes a gift a true gift. I came up with a scenario that illustrates what i mean here.
Lets say you go into your bathroom and grab your old ratty toothbrush. You go outside and pretty much toss it to the first hobo that crosses your path and go back inside. NOW...you may get a short lived sense of "ok great i did something sorta good. I gave a gift". But inside of ten minutes this sort of gift will be forgotten by you and probably by the hobo too.
The hobo may not know what in the world to do with it. He may have no teeth and therefor no use for a toothbrush. He may brush his beard with it once or twice, pick his nose and then toss it away. Obviously YOU didn't want it or need it anyway. When a submissive gives them self to the first person who proclaims them self a Dominant and does not value themselves enough to build some kind of bond with that Dom...they become a toothbrush. They give themselves with no regard to who they submit to and no care what will be done with them. And if the submissive doesn't care, why should the Dominant?
Now..lets say i have a piece of paper in my pocket. It is a little one inch square of paper with less uses than a toothbrush to be sure. BUT on that paper is the title of a movie, the day and time and seat number. It represents a moment in time spent with someone special. A happy moment in our life forever remembered with this little ticket. Now lets say i save that ticket and few other small mementos of that special person for say ..20 years. On that anniversary i put the ticket and other mementos built over time into a special box and give it to them.
Now we have a real gift. It has meaning. It is the memories and joys built over time and given from the heart telling that special person that no moment went unnoticed or unappreciated. That ticket has more value than gold because it is cherished both by the giver and the receiver. So if a submissive has some self esteem, some sense of self worth they will be careful to give that gift of THEM to a Dominant who really wants that gift. And the Dominant, having spent time earning the trust and love of the submissive, will value the gift much more. Your submission will have meaning because it was not tossed at the Dominant but earned.
Yes it is true and unfortunate that even after spending time and building a relationship some will still not care. Some will still take for granted the value of the gift given. And it doesn't have to mean the Dominant always. I have seen many submissives take for granted the gift of care and guidance given to them by a loving Dominant too. The vanilla world has the same problem. Some people are just selfish and do not understand the meaning of gratitude.
It is these people who cause the hurt. These people who tear down self esteem and make us feel "unworthy". When this happens, when someone takes our gift for granted and makes us feel worthless, we have to take time to rebuild. Take time to reestablish who you are. Forgive them for hurting you, spend time alone with yourself to reconnect with yourself, and most of all forgive yourself for giving that trust. It is so easy to beat ourselves up "i should never have trusted, i should have seen the signs".
Giving trust is taking a gamble and as adults we should always be aware of that risk in any new relationship. But giving trust should never be considered bad or wrong. You felt it was earned and gave it. It is not your fault if someone did not appreciate that. You have to build trust in yourself again too.
Ultimately you have to value yourself again before you can give the gift once more. Just be watchful that during this time you do not take someone else's gifts to you for granted either. Doing to someone else what was done to you will only bring on guilt and more low self esteem. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and above behavior that is cruel if we are ever to trust or be trusted.
My final sub-stance: A gift has only as much value as the person giving it puts to it. And will only be valued by someone who has to earn it. And it can only be of value to the person receiving it if they put aside their own self interest. If i am to value what Master gives me, i must see my own worth in His eyes. If i had not given any care about giving the gift of myself to Him, Master would not have cared to have it. It isn't about me or how i see myself based on the past. It is the present, and Master cares for me, and that is what should count.
But i am learning. I am learning that i am not perfect. I make mistakes and will continue to do so. As long as i take honest responsibility for them, do not make them out of sheer malice, and try my best to learn from them then the worst that can really be said is that i am human. I am also learning that holding on to past hurt and the insecurity it caused is a way for my past to control my present. The past is over and i have to let it go if i am to truly accept and appreciate what Master gives me now. By holding on to it i put someone else's actions above those of Master.
So how should i view myself and improve my self esteem? And what about the toothbrush? I had to think of my submission and gift to Him. How much value does it have? In my own eyes i was not worth much. But what does this say about the gift i give to Him? I was careful when i finally gave my heart to Master because i did not want to be hurt again. And He gave me the sense of security, honesty and dignity i needed to trust. I could have simply decided that abuse was all i was worthy of. I had enough self respect to give myself only to the One who earned my trust. That is part of what makes a gift a true gift. I came up with a scenario that illustrates what i mean here.
Lets say you go into your bathroom and grab your old ratty toothbrush. You go outside and pretty much toss it to the first hobo that crosses your path and go back inside. NOW...you may get a short lived sense of "ok great i did something sorta good. I gave a gift". But inside of ten minutes this sort of gift will be forgotten by you and probably by the hobo too.
The hobo may not know what in the world to do with it. He may have no teeth and therefor no use for a toothbrush. He may brush his beard with it once or twice, pick his nose and then toss it away. Obviously YOU didn't want it or need it anyway. When a submissive gives them self to the first person who proclaims them self a Dominant and does not value themselves enough to build some kind of bond with that Dom...they become a toothbrush. They give themselves with no regard to who they submit to and no care what will be done with them. And if the submissive doesn't care, why should the Dominant?
Now..lets say i have a piece of paper in my pocket. It is a little one inch square of paper with less uses than a toothbrush to be sure. BUT on that paper is the title of a movie, the day and time and seat number. It represents a moment in time spent with someone special. A happy moment in our life forever remembered with this little ticket. Now lets say i save that ticket and few other small mementos of that special person for say ..20 years. On that anniversary i put the ticket and other mementos built over time into a special box and give it to them.
Now we have a real gift. It has meaning. It is the memories and joys built over time and given from the heart telling that special person that no moment went unnoticed or unappreciated. That ticket has more value than gold because it is cherished both by the giver and the receiver. So if a submissive has some self esteem, some sense of self worth they will be careful to give that gift of THEM to a Dominant who really wants that gift. And the Dominant, having spent time earning the trust and love of the submissive, will value the gift much more. Your submission will have meaning because it was not tossed at the Dominant but earned.
Yes it is true and unfortunate that even after spending time and building a relationship some will still not care. Some will still take for granted the value of the gift given. And it doesn't have to mean the Dominant always. I have seen many submissives take for granted the gift of care and guidance given to them by a loving Dominant too. The vanilla world has the same problem. Some people are just selfish and do not understand the meaning of gratitude.
It is these people who cause the hurt. These people who tear down self esteem and make us feel "unworthy". When this happens, when someone takes our gift for granted and makes us feel worthless, we have to take time to rebuild. Take time to reestablish who you are. Forgive them for hurting you, spend time alone with yourself to reconnect with yourself, and most of all forgive yourself for giving that trust. It is so easy to beat ourselves up "i should never have trusted, i should have seen the signs".
Giving trust is taking a gamble and as adults we should always be aware of that risk in any new relationship. But giving trust should never be considered bad or wrong. You felt it was earned and gave it. It is not your fault if someone did not appreciate that. You have to build trust in yourself again too.
Ultimately you have to value yourself again before you can give the gift once more. Just be watchful that during this time you do not take someone else's gifts to you for granted either. Doing to someone else what was done to you will only bring on guilt and more low self esteem. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and above behavior that is cruel if we are ever to trust or be trusted.
My final sub-stance: A gift has only as much value as the person giving it puts to it. And will only be valued by someone who has to earn it. And it can only be of value to the person receiving it if they put aside their own self interest. If i am to value what Master gives me, i must see my own worth in His eyes. If i had not given any care about giving the gift of myself to Him, Master would not have cared to have it. It isn't about me or how i see myself based on the past. It is the present, and Master cares for me, and that is what should count.
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