Whether it is being involved in a tickle fight in RL or a raspberry challenge :P online, being able to laugh and have fun with a Dominant is not just important, it is vital to the survival of the relationship. Believe it or not these games of tease and laughter are an important way for U/us to communicate as well as relax from intense times.
So much time in D/s is serous. From making sure we as submissives are following rules, to making sure we are representing our Dominant respectfully in public, we are constantly trying to behave. But we are human too. We have a need to laugh and play. The person we would love most to do this with (of course) is our Dominant. Why? Because when we can laugh and play, we are truly ourselves. We have a chance to show a side of silliness and complete ME-ness that can not always find a way out when we are being well behaved. More importantly, when the Dominant can let THEIR hair down, have fun and be silly..we get the honor of seeing the human side of Them. And the sharing of laughter helps to strengthen the bond between people.
And yet i still see some "Dominants" who come dangerously close to criticizing Master for those moments when sis and i are being "bratty". In fact, at the Castle, W/we have had to change the name of O/our discussion group,"Brat Pack", because sis was constantly having to defend it. Why? Why is it so bad for submissives to be truly happy and show it? The complaint seemed to be that it had "negative connotation and promoted bad behavior". The name of a group does not promote bad behavior. A submissive with no manners does. And if being happy and free as a submissive is a "negative" thing, i would never have become a submissive in the first place.
For one thing, it is not any ones place to criticize how a Dominant interacts with Their submissive unless it is outright and obviously abusive. Certainly speak up if a submissive is reduced to tears in the open. That submissive is not only not happy, but definitely not getting the true reward and joy of the lifestyle. They are being abused. But if a Dominant and submissive are having a fun exchange it is no ones place to criticize. T/they are celebrating T/their relationship. If this causes someone to be jealous then perhaps they need to work on their own relationships.
Secondly, any submissive who holds their Dominant in high regard and care would not be outright inappropriate. Master allows sis and i to have a degree of brattiness. In fact encourages it. Only when we are happy, relaxed and laughing is He certain all is well. He often tells His classes "when a submissive is quiet and subdued THAT is when I worry". But even when being "bratty" sis and i know where the lines are. W/we do not disrespect Him nor break His rules. And not one person who has met O/our family can say that sis and i have anything but love and adoration for Master. This is not by accident. W/we didn't just say one day "hey cool lets be a happy family". It had to be worked on step by step. Part of those steps was in laughter and play. Not sex play, just plain 'ol goofing around. Ever have someone make you laugh so hard that soda comes out your nose? THAT kind of fun. The three of U/us have found that when together W/we very easily share these moments and its these moments that have cemented U/us as family.
They also cement the bond in times of trouble too. Because W/we are so comfortable and able to just laugh together in good times, that bond holds up when there is trouble. There is something in sharing that happiness that brings the bond to E/eachother even closer. So when sis is having a bad day, i feel it. I know it when she speaks and it bothers me. I got to really love her infectious laugh so when its not there, i want to be there for her till the problem is solved and i have her laugh back. And of course the same goes for our bond with Master. W/we are both very keenly aware when Master is stressed and having a bad day. We may not say anything (after all it is Master's decision if He chooses to share what troubles Him), but we do notice and try very hard to find a way to get Him laughing. It calms Him and eases stress. And as every sub knows, a happy Dominant makes a happy sub!
Sharing jokes and teasing etc, also has another affect. It gives everyone a chance to let go and show sides of themselves they might otherwise not. When W/we allow ourselves to put aside "proper behvior" and be US as people, we tend to let down those protective bariers. When W/we laugh and joke together, and that side of us is accepted by eachother, we lose the need to feel so self protective/defensive. A submissive can show happiness and a Dominant can also show a relaxed sense of humor.
When prim and proper sis told a dirty joke, she showed a side of herself she never had. When Master laughed at it and shared one of His own, her need to be guarded in behavior was let go. She took the next step in truly being HERSELF because she realized she was just as loved and accepted (even more so) by Master. Now that she knows ALL of her is accepted, she behaves properly but without the effort of being worried all the time. Respect and love of Master because she knows SHE is loved and respected as a whole person makes being well behaved natural, not forced.
Keep in mind this does not mean she runs around now telling dirty jokes and being vulgar. That is not part of who she is. But she let go of the fear that if she let her humor show, she would be rejected or told she was not being proper. She learned Master had a sense of humor and did not require 100 percent perfection 100 percent of the time. And when it comes to my relationship with Master, part of why i fell so for Him was His sense of humor and ability to make me laugh. His own smile and laugh are now more precious to me then all the gold in the world. So when i see sis get that laugh going in Him, i cant express how happy that makes me.
The same goes for her relationship with me. Once she realized we could get each other to crack up, it became an important part of us as sisters. Now i cant go a day without my "sissy fix" even if it is during hard times. Just hearing her voice has an automatic affect on me and makes me smile. By sharing these sides of ourselves, we broke down the protective barrier between us and truly became sisters. We can just as easily share our fears and frustrations, troubles and secrets as we can a good hard guffaw.
My final Sub-Stance; the saying "the family that plays together, stays together" is not just cute mumbo jumbo. It is an absolute fact. It exceeds the boundaries of social and D/s and allows us to be what we are inside. Human. Once we have found comfort in being ourselves with each other, the ability to form natural family connection, as well as a much deeper connection to our Dominant is so much easier. So go ahead! Laugh it up! Enjoy the good times because they will carry you through the bad ones. And if anyone asks me why i like being a brat; because Master loves His brats!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The First Responsibility
Ok..i am about to make a statement that will automaticly raise the backhairs on most folks in the lifestyle. But before Y/you break out the tar and feathers, please bare with me and finish reading the whole blog. I think A/all will understand when i am finished explaining.
If you ask a submissive what their first obligation and responsibility is, they are likely to answer "to please my Dominant". Dominants given the same question will likely give the same response "To please me". Now for that awful statement.
The first responsibility and obligation for a submissive is to themself. Yes i am ducking now and hoping Y/you keep that promise and read on!
Before ever taking a collar and even after a collar, a submissive must be safe and sane. Your safety needs to come first. As does your abililty to connect to the right Dominant. Too many crazies call O/our lifestyle home and hide in it. Your first responsibility is always to make sure the Dominant you are talking to is a sane one. What good are you as a submissive to anyone if you are the bottom of a lake in a cement collar? Also take into consideration that when it comes to real life submission and letting a Dominant enter your real life, you are taking the safety of others in your hand. If you have children, friends, family near by all may be affected if you invite someone dangerous to your life. You owe it to yourself and these people first before allowing any Dominant to enter your world. Common sense of course. But funny how common sense is anything but common sometimes.
So safety is an obvious one. One that some may overlook at times but still pretty obvious. Now what about emotional obligation? Here is where things may seem to get a little grey. Of course it is the submissive's obligation and responsibility to bring happiness and joy to the Dominant. That is part of the promise of the gift to the Dominant when the collar is taken. But before you ever take that collar would it not be rather important to determine if you CAN please that Dominant?
Not everyone is going to be compatable. W/we are all different, have different needs, backgrounds, fears, fetish, and even dreams. If two people start out already going two different directions, they are not likely to fix that a month or even ten years down the road. Remember, a submissive serves and pleases the Dominant but the Dominant also wants to lift the submissive to be a better person. To achieve goals and dreams. A little hard on the Dominant if the submissive has a dream the Dominant doesnt aprove of. Even harder if the submissive has a desire that is repulsive to the Dominant.
So! What good is it to submit yourself to a relationship that is going to fail? As a submissive you owe yourself the first obligation of taking the time it takes to make sure you are compatable with that Dominant. Once you wear that collar and your Dominant tells you "from now on, forget that political career. You are forbidden to persue politics because i cant stand them"...well guess what...your done hun!
Sure yes, you can walk away from the collar. But now you have dissapointed a Dominant..indeed failed in your promise and obligation to them. Not to mention you probably hurt someone deeply. All of which could be avoided if you had taken that obligation to yourself first. Make sure you know YOU, what you want and need. THEN make sure you know the Dominant and that Y/you are both compatable. If either of Y/you has to give up core values or a part of what makes you YOU..the relationship should not go further. Compromise is one thing. But chopping off your nose to please your Dominant is going to lead to resentment.
So what about putting your Dominant's needs ahead of your own? What about the submissive losing their submission if they don't make the Dominant happy first? Lets put that into perspective here. It should be ok for you as a submissive to have hopes, dreams and needs. It should be ok for you to reach for them. It is in how you reach that makes the difference. And the first step is in knowing the Dominant you chose to take a collar from supports that dream or need.
Where submissives go wrong here is when they take the attitude that "ok, i did the kneel thing. i made You happy. Now it's Your turn to make me happy." The Dominant doesn't owe that to you. And the minute you take the "what have you done for ME lately" attitude, start tallying up the count and keeping score...THAT is when you have lost your submission.
Here is where the compatablility thing comes into play. If the Dominant you chose to take a collar from already understands and supports you, they will automaticly be working with you to help you acheive. You should never need to ask them to. And it is not your place as a submissive to demand it either. When you start down the road of "whos turn is it"...you have lost your submission. You serve your Dominant, not yourself. BUT if you have taken that first obligation and chosen a compatable Dominant...that Dominant will give THIER gift of time and effort.
Since we are on the needs..lets get physical. Yes your obligation to your Dominant is part to do with the physical world too (of course). But you need to take care of you first. What do i mean by that? Taking care of your well being is what i mean. What use and good are you to serving your Dominant if you are in the hospital with pnemonia because you didnt take care of you?
The fact is we as submissives tend to put us last. I may feel sick but if Master and i are out and having a good time, i am not likely to mention i feel like crap and should be in bed. Master is happy. That comes first. Unfortunatly i was not taking care of my own health and as a result now i am really sick and Master is worried...not happy. So you see...your first obligation to take care of you DIRECTLY affects your ability to please your Dominant.
My final Sub-Stance on this: Your FIRST obligation and responsibility as a submissive is to you. If you can not keep yourself safe, can not take some responsibility for your health, and take no obligation to find a Dominant that is compatible with you...you already have no ability to take responsibility for that collar. Wearing a Dominant's collar IS a responsibility and it obligates you to serve that Dominant. The Dominant takes on the responsibility to care for that submissive. It is understood that they have to be in control of Them self if they are to take control of you. By the same token, it is your obligation to make sure you can be responsible for YOU before you take the responsibility of pleasing a Dominant.
If you ask a submissive what their first obligation and responsibility is, they are likely to answer "to please my Dominant". Dominants given the same question will likely give the same response "To please me". Now for that awful statement.
The first responsibility and obligation for a submissive is to themself. Yes i am ducking now and hoping Y/you keep that promise and read on!
Before ever taking a collar and even after a collar, a submissive must be safe and sane. Your safety needs to come first. As does your abililty to connect to the right Dominant. Too many crazies call O/our lifestyle home and hide in it. Your first responsibility is always to make sure the Dominant you are talking to is a sane one. What good are you as a submissive to anyone if you are the bottom of a lake in a cement collar? Also take into consideration that when it comes to real life submission and letting a Dominant enter your real life, you are taking the safety of others in your hand. If you have children, friends, family near by all may be affected if you invite someone dangerous to your life. You owe it to yourself and these people first before allowing any Dominant to enter your world. Common sense of course. But funny how common sense is anything but common sometimes.
So safety is an obvious one. One that some may overlook at times but still pretty obvious. Now what about emotional obligation? Here is where things may seem to get a little grey. Of course it is the submissive's obligation and responsibility to bring happiness and joy to the Dominant. That is part of the promise of the gift to the Dominant when the collar is taken. But before you ever take that collar would it not be rather important to determine if you CAN please that Dominant?
Not everyone is going to be compatable. W/we are all different, have different needs, backgrounds, fears, fetish, and even dreams. If two people start out already going two different directions, they are not likely to fix that a month or even ten years down the road. Remember, a submissive serves and pleases the Dominant but the Dominant also wants to lift the submissive to be a better person. To achieve goals and dreams. A little hard on the Dominant if the submissive has a dream the Dominant doesnt aprove of. Even harder if the submissive has a desire that is repulsive to the Dominant.
So! What good is it to submit yourself to a relationship that is going to fail? As a submissive you owe yourself the first obligation of taking the time it takes to make sure you are compatable with that Dominant. Once you wear that collar and your Dominant tells you "from now on, forget that political career. You are forbidden to persue politics because i cant stand them"...well guess what...your done hun!
Sure yes, you can walk away from the collar. But now you have dissapointed a Dominant..indeed failed in your promise and obligation to them. Not to mention you probably hurt someone deeply. All of which could be avoided if you had taken that obligation to yourself first. Make sure you know YOU, what you want and need. THEN make sure you know the Dominant and that Y/you are both compatable. If either of Y/you has to give up core values or a part of what makes you YOU..the relationship should not go further. Compromise is one thing. But chopping off your nose to please your Dominant is going to lead to resentment.
So what about putting your Dominant's needs ahead of your own? What about the submissive losing their submission if they don't make the Dominant happy first? Lets put that into perspective here. It should be ok for you as a submissive to have hopes, dreams and needs. It should be ok for you to reach for them. It is in how you reach that makes the difference. And the first step is in knowing the Dominant you chose to take a collar from supports that dream or need.
Where submissives go wrong here is when they take the attitude that "ok, i did the kneel thing. i made You happy. Now it's Your turn to make me happy." The Dominant doesn't owe that to you. And the minute you take the "what have you done for ME lately" attitude, start tallying up the count and keeping score...THAT is when you have lost your submission.
Here is where the compatablility thing comes into play. If the Dominant you chose to take a collar from already understands and supports you, they will automaticly be working with you to help you acheive. You should never need to ask them to. And it is not your place as a submissive to demand it either. When you start down the road of "whos turn is it"...you have lost your submission. You serve your Dominant, not yourself. BUT if you have taken that first obligation and chosen a compatable Dominant...that Dominant will give THIER gift of time and effort.
Since we are on the needs..lets get physical. Yes your obligation to your Dominant is part to do with the physical world too (of course). But you need to take care of you first. What do i mean by that? Taking care of your well being is what i mean. What use and good are you to serving your Dominant if you are in the hospital with pnemonia because you didnt take care of you?
The fact is we as submissives tend to put us last. I may feel sick but if Master and i are out and having a good time, i am not likely to mention i feel like crap and should be in bed. Master is happy. That comes first. Unfortunatly i was not taking care of my own health and as a result now i am really sick and Master is worried...not happy. So you see...your first obligation to take care of you DIRECTLY affects your ability to please your Dominant.
My final Sub-Stance on this: Your FIRST obligation and responsibility as a submissive is to you. If you can not keep yourself safe, can not take some responsibility for your health, and take no obligation to find a Dominant that is compatible with you...you already have no ability to take responsibility for that collar. Wearing a Dominant's collar IS a responsibility and it obligates you to serve that Dominant. The Dominant takes on the responsibility to care for that submissive. It is understood that they have to be in control of Them self if they are to take control of you. By the same token, it is your obligation to make sure you can be responsible for YOU before you take the responsibility of pleasing a Dominant.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Ene..(ME)
"You klutzy idiot! cant you hold on to anything?"
"I cant believe you forgot that you brainless twit!"
"You ASS! Its right there under your nose! Any bigger and it would have bit your stupid ass!"
Chances are if you are reading this blog, that you are a pretty well educated person. And chances are, too, that you already have these words pegged as the work of a verbal abuser. But they are only words, right? Yes they are only words. Usually words from someone we should reasonably be able to trust such as a close friend, love, family member. Someone who should be supportive of us. Someone we naturally want to please, D/s aside. So when they are spoken by this abuser, the damage emotionally is devastating. But you already knew that right?
What is the extra damage caused when the victim is a submissive and the abuser is the Dominant? Yes i know, some folks have a fetish for humiliation. That is something they enjoy and find arousing. But for a submissive who does not have such a fetish, these words can tear out the submissive heart.
What is at the heart of a true submissive? --The driving desire to please the Dominant. That all the submissive does is to bring the Dominant joy. From the Dominant's joy and pleasure comes the submissives joy and sense of worth.
Translation: When a "Dominant" calls the submissive names, the message sent to that submissive is that they are not only NOT pleasing but most likely never will be. It destroys the submissives self esteem through humiliation AND sense of entire purpose for existing.
People who engage in this sort of behavior are not Dominants. Attempting to be superior to others, over inflated ego, laziness, self indulgence, manipulation, dishonesty, and intimidation should NEVER be confused as Dominance. A self absorbed tyrant, perhaps. Attempting to hide their own insecurities and failure rather than improve, definitely. But not Dominant. The only real control this type of person has is to bully the submissive into staying by destroying his or her self worth. That way the sub can not see how truly worthless this "dominant" is.
So why did i call this entry "Ene (me)"? ..Because sometimes the one abusing the submissive is them self. The cruel remarks i started this all with are not from some rotten "domwannabie" ...but from my own mouth. Chastising degrading assaults i launched against myself for the basic fumbles and goofs that all human beings make. Keep in mind that i am a natural klutz. And i am not (at least this time) saying that in a bad way. Just honest. I am the one who falls UP stairs, walks into walls, and manages to forget what i am doing halfway across a room. And i know i am not the only one. Everyone pinches their fingers in the cabinet door at some point. And no one with any shred of dignity would tease, much less chastise someone for these things.
But when i do them, i embarrass myself. Then i get flustered and angry at myself for being so clumsy. The verbal attack flows out of my mouth without my even realizing it most of the time. After much thought and exploration, i have pinned this behavior to a few possible moments in life that hurt badly. Likely it is a combination of all of them. But i wont go into detail here because that is not the point. The point is, those past events and words affect how i treat myself now. At one point i made a fumble and was humiliated. Words were launched at me and now i throw them at myself every time i feel that humiliation. Humans are an odd species, what can i say.
Truthfully half the time i am not even aware i am doing it. There are few moments in time when it was pointed out and i always found it to be actually rather funny. Master, however, saw nothing funny about it. And one day He made very clear that He wanted never to hear me talk to myself that way again. It was a habit He intended to break me of come hell or high water.
I was a bit surprised at His anger. As i said, most of the time i am not aware i am even doing it. I drop something and the next word out of my mouth is "you ass". It is as natural as breathing so He most likely heard it much more than i realize. But it wasn't until He pointed out how it made HIM feel, that i took the time to really think about it. And i think i am finally understanding.
Master is the greatest thing to ever happen to me bar none. At no time have i felt so loved and cared for, so safe and able to be just me with anyone like i do with Him. So i put myself in His shoes for a moment.I tried to imagine Him talking to Himself in the rotten way i do to myself. It wasn't a pleasant thought. If anyone else had spoken to Him like that in front of me, i would have launched into them like a rabid pit bull. But if the one you love is the one doing the attacking...what can you do? And as a Dominant, isn't the first thought "what am I doing wrong that my submissive thinks so badly of them self?"
As my Master, He made very clear what was to be done. I was told to QUIT IT. Now every time i start to launch into myself, He has only to say my name in that stern, hard note and when i look up...i see His anger. His disappointment. The words die on my lips. At first i had the obvious reaction..i had disappointed Him and was angry with myself for that. It took a while to finally realize the ultimate truth. He wasn't disappointed in ME. He was disappointed at the words being thrown at me because He loves me. And that has made all the difference.
He loves me and puts me in a place above where i put myself. Watching me verbally degrade myself is hurtful to Him.
There has been a lot of talk and discussion lately about self esteem and how important it is in making good, safe decisions in the lifestyle. Over the years i have learned this is very true whether you are Dominant or submissive. The better you feel about yourself, the better and more cautious your choices will be. I wrote earlier a blog about "The Toothbrush and the Ticket" and explained how a submissive's value of them self determines the value of their gift of submission. Value yourself and the gift you give has value too. But self abuse is slightly different.
We tend to be our own worst enemy and critic. What we see as a blaring obvious mistake or fault is probably not noticed by anyone else. And chances are if it were someone else who made the mistake you would not have noticed it yourself. But submissives especially put themselves under a microscope. At times we try so hard to be pleasing that the slightest misstep makes us cringe. Especially if someone in the past humiliated us for them. The trouble with this behavior is that it is self defeating. The more we try to be perfect the more we see imperfection. The only end to this is self loathing because we can't be what we think we should be. We can't imagine how a Dominant could love such a flawed submissive.
What about Dominants? Do They have this issue too? Some very much do. These Dominants beat themselves up for issues over which they have no control. The tend to feel weak and useless as Dominants because they can't control some things. The self degrading words above are just as likely to fall out of Their mouth as a submissive's. Depending on the Dominant, the tirade will be launched at Themselves or possibly at the owned submissive.
It is an unfortunate fact that an insecure Dominant with no ability to take responsibility for action, will transfer that self loathing onto the head of the submissive. Thus the submissive unlucky enough to be collared by this type of Dominant is punished for the Dominant's lack of self worth. In example; Dominant feels worthless because they don't have a job but rather than admit that to them self, rather than get up and go find work...they attack their submissive for not having a good enough job (or outfit or whatever).
A true Dominant would acknowledge Their own problem and take action to fix it. For the good Dominants of the world, however, it can be a hard place to be if the issue is one they can't control. For instance if a loved one becomes sick, the Dominant may feel weak and helpless..not something a Dominant likes to feel. That feeling of weakness may cause the Dominant a great deal of stress and even cause Them to question Their Dominance. Thus they begin to micro analyze Their every move just as a submissive would.
And it isn't just in the D/s world that this has an effect. Ever meet someone with such low self esteem that they settle for a mate that treats them like dirt? They feel they are not worthy of being treated any better. Been there, done that. Now that i have a Dominant who sees me as worthy, it can almost be terrifying. In the beginning i often wondered what stupid mistake i would make that would give Master second thoughts.
Master sees me as a being of value and beauty. He tells me so every day. By trying to get rid of my self degrading remarks, maybe i will be able to see and accept what He sees in me. At the very least, i will stop putting Him in the situation of having to witness my own abuse and making Him feel helpless to stop it. Like smoking, it aint easy to give it up now that it is such a natural part of my day. Fortunately i am not the only one in the world that has this problem.
At Solace Academy, W/we have opened a new group called Sub-Mission. This group is focused on submissives and addresses their challenges, helps create a support group among them, and helps them focus on their individual goals. They recently had a meeting and self esteem was the main topic. My collar sis, Alisha, attended too. She offered a "dare"...a tool she used at the lowest point of her life..to help her push forward. I will post it here for anyone not in SL or in O/our groups. Believe me when i say sis is an angel :) (even though she wont believe me lol)
Dare
I dare you for the next 6 weeks to do two things.
1) write down 5 good thing that happened to you today
examples
a) I got a wonderful comment from my master
b) it was sunny out today
c) I heard a great joke today
d) someone complimented me today
e) I had a really good sleep today
2) look in the mirror and write down five good things about yourself
examples
a) I love my eyes
b) I am a good friend
c) I love my new nail polish
d) I like my new hair cut
e) I am trust worthy
add these to your daily journal or such... make it so you write it down daily so when you have a bad day it can help pick you back up
My final sub-stance ; no one is perfect. Perfection in a human is an oxymoron. We were made to make mistakes and at times life is life. There is no fixing some things no matter what we do. Rather than beat ourselves up, degrade ourselves in front of others, and treat ourselves in ways we would never DREAM of treating another human being maybe we can learn to like what we see in the mirror.
"I cant believe you forgot that you brainless twit!"
"You ASS! Its right there under your nose! Any bigger and it would have bit your stupid ass!"
Chances are if you are reading this blog, that you are a pretty well educated person. And chances are, too, that you already have these words pegged as the work of a verbal abuser. But they are only words, right? Yes they are only words. Usually words from someone we should reasonably be able to trust such as a close friend, love, family member. Someone who should be supportive of us. Someone we naturally want to please, D/s aside. So when they are spoken by this abuser, the damage emotionally is devastating. But you already knew that right?
What is the extra damage caused when the victim is a submissive and the abuser is the Dominant? Yes i know, some folks have a fetish for humiliation. That is something they enjoy and find arousing. But for a submissive who does not have such a fetish, these words can tear out the submissive heart.
What is at the heart of a true submissive? --The driving desire to please the Dominant. That all the submissive does is to bring the Dominant joy. From the Dominant's joy and pleasure comes the submissives joy and sense of worth.
Translation: When a "Dominant" calls the submissive names, the message sent to that submissive is that they are not only NOT pleasing but most likely never will be. It destroys the submissives self esteem through humiliation AND sense of entire purpose for existing.
People who engage in this sort of behavior are not Dominants. Attempting to be superior to others, over inflated ego, laziness, self indulgence, manipulation, dishonesty, and intimidation should NEVER be confused as Dominance. A self absorbed tyrant, perhaps. Attempting to hide their own insecurities and failure rather than improve, definitely. But not Dominant. The only real control this type of person has is to bully the submissive into staying by destroying his or her self worth. That way the sub can not see how truly worthless this "dominant" is.
So why did i call this entry "Ene (me)"? ..Because sometimes the one abusing the submissive is them self. The cruel remarks i started this all with are not from some rotten "domwannabie" ...but from my own mouth. Chastising degrading assaults i launched against myself for the basic fumbles and goofs that all human beings make. Keep in mind that i am a natural klutz. And i am not (at least this time) saying that in a bad way. Just honest. I am the one who falls UP stairs, walks into walls, and manages to forget what i am doing halfway across a room. And i know i am not the only one. Everyone pinches their fingers in the cabinet door at some point. And no one with any shred of dignity would tease, much less chastise someone for these things.
But when i do them, i embarrass myself. Then i get flustered and angry at myself for being so clumsy. The verbal attack flows out of my mouth without my even realizing it most of the time. After much thought and exploration, i have pinned this behavior to a few possible moments in life that hurt badly. Likely it is a combination of all of them. But i wont go into detail here because that is not the point. The point is, those past events and words affect how i treat myself now. At one point i made a fumble and was humiliated. Words were launched at me and now i throw them at myself every time i feel that humiliation. Humans are an odd species, what can i say.
Truthfully half the time i am not even aware i am doing it. There are few moments in time when it was pointed out and i always found it to be actually rather funny. Master, however, saw nothing funny about it. And one day He made very clear that He wanted never to hear me talk to myself that way again. It was a habit He intended to break me of come hell or high water.
I was a bit surprised at His anger. As i said, most of the time i am not aware i am even doing it. I drop something and the next word out of my mouth is "you ass". It is as natural as breathing so He most likely heard it much more than i realize. But it wasn't until He pointed out how it made HIM feel, that i took the time to really think about it. And i think i am finally understanding.
Master is the greatest thing to ever happen to me bar none. At no time have i felt so loved and cared for, so safe and able to be just me with anyone like i do with Him. So i put myself in His shoes for a moment.I tried to imagine Him talking to Himself in the rotten way i do to myself. It wasn't a pleasant thought. If anyone else had spoken to Him like that in front of me, i would have launched into them like a rabid pit bull. But if the one you love is the one doing the attacking...what can you do? And as a Dominant, isn't the first thought "what am I doing wrong that my submissive thinks so badly of them self?"
As my Master, He made very clear what was to be done. I was told to QUIT IT. Now every time i start to launch into myself, He has only to say my name in that stern, hard note and when i look up...i see His anger. His disappointment. The words die on my lips. At first i had the obvious reaction..i had disappointed Him and was angry with myself for that. It took a while to finally realize the ultimate truth. He wasn't disappointed in ME. He was disappointed at the words being thrown at me because He loves me. And that has made all the difference.
He loves me and puts me in a place above where i put myself. Watching me verbally degrade myself is hurtful to Him.
There has been a lot of talk and discussion lately about self esteem and how important it is in making good, safe decisions in the lifestyle. Over the years i have learned this is very true whether you are Dominant or submissive. The better you feel about yourself, the better and more cautious your choices will be. I wrote earlier a blog about "The Toothbrush and the Ticket" and explained how a submissive's value of them self determines the value of their gift of submission. Value yourself and the gift you give has value too. But self abuse is slightly different.
We tend to be our own worst enemy and critic. What we see as a blaring obvious mistake or fault is probably not noticed by anyone else. And chances are if it were someone else who made the mistake you would not have noticed it yourself. But submissives especially put themselves under a microscope. At times we try so hard to be pleasing that the slightest misstep makes us cringe. Especially if someone in the past humiliated us for them. The trouble with this behavior is that it is self defeating. The more we try to be perfect the more we see imperfection. The only end to this is self loathing because we can't be what we think we should be. We can't imagine how a Dominant could love such a flawed submissive.
What about Dominants? Do They have this issue too? Some very much do. These Dominants beat themselves up for issues over which they have no control. The tend to feel weak and useless as Dominants because they can't control some things. The self degrading words above are just as likely to fall out of Their mouth as a submissive's. Depending on the Dominant, the tirade will be launched at Themselves or possibly at the owned submissive.
It is an unfortunate fact that an insecure Dominant with no ability to take responsibility for action, will transfer that self loathing onto the head of the submissive. Thus the submissive unlucky enough to be collared by this type of Dominant is punished for the Dominant's lack of self worth. In example; Dominant feels worthless because they don't have a job but rather than admit that to them self, rather than get up and go find work...they attack their submissive for not having a good enough job (or outfit or whatever).
A true Dominant would acknowledge Their own problem and take action to fix it. For the good Dominants of the world, however, it can be a hard place to be if the issue is one they can't control. For instance if a loved one becomes sick, the Dominant may feel weak and helpless..not something a Dominant likes to feel. That feeling of weakness may cause the Dominant a great deal of stress and even cause Them to question Their Dominance. Thus they begin to micro analyze Their every move just as a submissive would.
And it isn't just in the D/s world that this has an effect. Ever meet someone with such low self esteem that they settle for a mate that treats them like dirt? They feel they are not worthy of being treated any better. Been there, done that. Now that i have a Dominant who sees me as worthy, it can almost be terrifying. In the beginning i often wondered what stupid mistake i would make that would give Master second thoughts.
Master sees me as a being of value and beauty. He tells me so every day. By trying to get rid of my self degrading remarks, maybe i will be able to see and accept what He sees in me. At the very least, i will stop putting Him in the situation of having to witness my own abuse and making Him feel helpless to stop it. Like smoking, it aint easy to give it up now that it is such a natural part of my day. Fortunately i am not the only one in the world that has this problem.
At Solace Academy, W/we have opened a new group called Sub-Mission. This group is focused on submissives and addresses their challenges, helps create a support group among them, and helps them focus on their individual goals. They recently had a meeting and self esteem was the main topic. My collar sis, Alisha, attended too. She offered a "dare"...a tool she used at the lowest point of her life..to help her push forward. I will post it here for anyone not in SL or in O/our groups. Believe me when i say sis is an angel :) (even though she wont believe me lol)
Dare
I dare you for the next 6 weeks to do two things.
1) write down 5 good thing that happened to you today
examples
a) I got a wonderful comment from my master
b) it was sunny out today
c) I heard a great joke today
d) someone complimented me today
e) I had a really good sleep today
2) look in the mirror and write down five good things about yourself
examples
a) I love my eyes
b) I am a good friend
c) I love my new nail polish
d) I like my new hair cut
e) I am trust worthy
add these to your daily journal or such... make it so you write it down daily so when you have a bad day it can help pick you back up
My final sub-stance ; no one is perfect. Perfection in a human is an oxymoron. We were made to make mistakes and at times life is life. There is no fixing some things no matter what we do. Rather than beat ourselves up, degrade ourselves in front of others, and treat ourselves in ways we would never DREAM of treating another human being maybe we can learn to like what we see in the mirror.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Compersion...The "anti" jealousy
If I had to pick the most popular topic I am asked about, it would have to be " How and why are you successful in a healthy and happy poly amorous household?"
I can tell you that this question comes from those from the BDSM lifestyle MORE then it comes from the vanilla world. (at least when I am asked anyway) Because it is something that is intriguing within our lifestyle. Is it something that is unusual? No, in fact it is more the rule than the exception as there are more poly households within our lifestyle than mono. The question was, however, " How is it successful?"....Hmmm....That tells me that even though our lifestyle is about acceptance and focusing on our true inner strengths, it is still a struggle in many households.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have some "magical" gift of knowing how to build a healthy household. In fact, ours was one that took a LONG time to build and a lot of growth, patience, and education. I am not sure I can sit here and give you a road map to success, but if I had to break it all down to one word? That word would be "compersion"
Ahhhhh.....I see everyone is about to google that word.....Well....Let me make it easy for you and I will paste the definition:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.
To put it into D/s..M/s terms: Happiness and Joy is experienced when a submissive/slave sees their Dominant experiencing joy and happiness through another. One thing I can say that exists in my household is pure compersion. Is that the reason for the success? No, not on its own, but one thing is for certain, we would not be a family if compersion was not present. My girls understand that I have an instinctive need to care for others. This is not a sexual thing and certainly not an ego trip for me. As a Dominant, caring for, protecting, advising, nurturing, and directing is as natural to me as walking and talking. It is part of who I am and always will be. That being said, they find true joy when they see the happiness that they provide for me individually. This is not a competition, it is an acceptance of our core values as a family. That includes those I advice, coach, and mentor "outside" of our family as well.
Now, here is a question that may raise an eyebrow...." Can you teach compersion?" ...Hmmm... I am here to tell you that I did not teach my girls compersion. That is something they felt naturally long before meeting me and it is deep rooted within their submission. That is in fact the "gift" that is offered by a sub/slave. It CANNOT be ordered, commanded, or expected by a Dominant. It also cannot be used as an excuse for a Dominant to engage in reckless behavior, then in turn expect that "compersion" should exist and therefore there is no need for communication.
This is why it is imperative that you focus on alignment at the onset of the relationship. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.
If you are a sub/slave and find it difficult to find happiness from your Dominant sharing his/her time with others, I encourage you to take this article to heart. Why? because the moment that your happiness comes before your Dominants, you cease to be submissive. Now, as I said earlier, as Dominants we cannot engage in reckless behavior and hide behind the compersion expectation. We serve our households as well and we are committed to care for their needs. So, if you have a slave/sub who shows true compersion, don't be a fool and make unilateral decisions and expect perfect obedience in return.
Build with quality and be willing to take months or even years to make sure your household is happy and healthy before moving into a poly environment. If you show up one day with a new sub/slave and introduce them to your household and say" Meet you new sister/brother!" and expect that natural compersion will fix everything. I am here to tell you that you will fail miserably.
If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for! Both of my girls are wonderful women. Many of you know them and see them as healthy, intelligent, happy, secure and articulate, and you would be correct in that they are! But, they had to have faith in me as their Master and once they had that they were able to show their amazing qualities and connect with each other. Their connection to me brings them the compersion we are talking about, but more importantly their connection with each other as siblings makes it "unshakable".
In closing, compersion is the true heart of the gift of submission, but it is a quality that is earned by the Dominant. It is not something that can be expected to cure every issue within the family, but it must exist if the family is going to be healthy and happy. Trust and personal connections are essential between siblings within the home. Once this quality is achieved it become a source of strength within the family and it serves as a force to protect against toxic mindsets.
I can tell you that this question comes from those from the BDSM lifestyle MORE then it comes from the vanilla world. (at least when I am asked anyway) Because it is something that is intriguing within our lifestyle. Is it something that is unusual? No, in fact it is more the rule than the exception as there are more poly households within our lifestyle than mono. The question was, however, " How is it successful?"....Hmmm....That tells me that even though our lifestyle is about acceptance and focusing on our true inner strengths, it is still a struggle in many households.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have some "magical" gift of knowing how to build a healthy household. In fact, ours was one that took a LONG time to build and a lot of growth, patience, and education. I am not sure I can sit here and give you a road map to success, but if I had to break it all down to one word? That word would be "compersion"
Ahhhhh.....I see everyone is about to google that word.....Well....Let me make it easy for you and I will paste the definition:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.
To put it into D/s..M/s terms: Happiness and Joy is experienced when a submissive/slave sees their Dominant experiencing joy and happiness through another. One thing I can say that exists in my household is pure compersion. Is that the reason for the success? No, not on its own, but one thing is for certain, we would not be a family if compersion was not present. My girls understand that I have an instinctive need to care for others. This is not a sexual thing and certainly not an ego trip for me. As a Dominant, caring for, protecting, advising, nurturing, and directing is as natural to me as walking and talking. It is part of who I am and always will be. That being said, they find true joy when they see the happiness that they provide for me individually. This is not a competition, it is an acceptance of our core values as a family. That includes those I advice, coach, and mentor "outside" of our family as well.
Now, here is a question that may raise an eyebrow...." Can you teach compersion?" ...Hmmm... I am here to tell you that I did not teach my girls compersion. That is something they felt naturally long before meeting me and it is deep rooted within their submission. That is in fact the "gift" that is offered by a sub/slave. It CANNOT be ordered, commanded, or expected by a Dominant. It also cannot be used as an excuse for a Dominant to engage in reckless behavior, then in turn expect that "compersion" should exist and therefore there is no need for communication.
This is why it is imperative that you focus on alignment at the onset of the relationship. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.
If you are a sub/slave and find it difficult to find happiness from your Dominant sharing his/her time with others, I encourage you to take this article to heart. Why? because the moment that your happiness comes before your Dominants, you cease to be submissive. Now, as I said earlier, as Dominants we cannot engage in reckless behavior and hide behind the compersion expectation. We serve our households as well and we are committed to care for their needs. So, if you have a slave/sub who shows true compersion, don't be a fool and make unilateral decisions and expect perfect obedience in return.
Build with quality and be willing to take months or even years to make sure your household is happy and healthy before moving into a poly environment. If you show up one day with a new sub/slave and introduce them to your household and say" Meet you new sister/brother!" and expect that natural compersion will fix everything. I am here to tell you that you will fail miserably.
If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for! Both of my girls are wonderful women. Many of you know them and see them as healthy, intelligent, happy, secure and articulate, and you would be correct in that they are! But, they had to have faith in me as their Master and once they had that they were able to show their amazing qualities and connect with each other. Their connection to me brings them the compersion we are talking about, but more importantly their connection with each other as siblings makes it "unshakable".
In closing, compersion is the true heart of the gift of submission, but it is a quality that is earned by the Dominant. It is not something that can be expected to cure every issue within the family, but it must exist if the family is going to be healthy and happy. Trust and personal connections are essential between siblings within the home. Once this quality is achieved it become a source of strength within the family and it serves as a force to protect against toxic mindsets.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Mind Your Manners!!
When i was a kid growing up, Mom was a stickler for manners. Wash your hands before eating, no hats at the table or in the house, no fidgeting or interrupting when others were speaking, introduce guests and shake hands when one is introduced, and NEVER address someone you don't know by their first name. Mr. Mrs or Miss at all times. And even if you DO know them--use the proper and polite name until THEY signify otherwise. And even then...even if they were standing right there and telling you it was OK, i would still get the death glare. Why was she so hard on this? Because it showed that i was educated and polite. I was able to be respectful, show grace, and treat people as i would want to be treated. The bonus was that it cost me nothing and gained me respect from people in return. Something that i continued to strive for the rest of my adult life.
Why is this little anecdote important? Lately it has become one of those "issues" that annoy the ever lovin' poop out of me that O/our community has to argue about. Yup, I'm going to sound off here...getting out my soap box and while i will be polite (as always) i am annoyed so i will also be blunt.
Fellow submissives i can not understand for the life of me why it is so hard to address a Dominant (even one you don't know) with Sir or Miss. The only excuse for this i have heard is that "it gives them respect for a title they have not yet earned with me". POPPYCOCK! All it truly does is show that YOU have some intelligence and grace. Enough to be respectful. Just because i called my neighbor Miss Hanson doesn't mean i was now HER child. I was honoring my upbringing and showing my own dignity. And as for earning that much, don't we as submissives complain about the people who arbitrarily call us "girl and boy" or order us to kneel? They don't know us and automatically disrespect us.
Wake up. You are doing the same thing to this stranger. Yes i realize that a true Dominant must prove that title. But you didn't submit to them, give them any power over you or even offer to feed Their goldfish. All you did was show them basic SELF respect. Not to mention a level of polite distance. If i were to yell out to my neighbor "Yo girlfriend what up??" when i hardly know her...this would rather imply that i knew her well enough to be so friendly. By addressing a person who enters the room with a Dominant title as Sir or Miss, i am putting that protective barrier around ME and giving them that respectful space. It is formal and polite..NOT submission or putting yourself beneath them. In fact Sir or Miss doesn't even GIVE them a title. Just basic respect. And we should be able to respect another person at the very least as a human being and give that respectful SPACE. You don't know them. DON'T call them by first name and imply that you do. Or that you have the right to. Further more, i always address strangers as Sir or Miss until they tell me otherwise. Even in RL...big surprise...Sir and Miss and Ma'am ..are all perfectly acceptable in the vanilla RL world. And i am not submitting to THEM either. I can't, with my upbringing, imagine referring to a stranger who walks into a room as "dude". "Thank You SIR" if this man holds the door for me at the store...is BASIC MANNERS.
And i don't care if you are Gore, M/s, D/s or just plain giggleberry. Manners should not be optional. They should be required. A Dominant is required to respect the collar, show respect to other submissives they don't own, and can be very harshly judged when They don't. As submissives it is our OBLIGATION to give at LEAST that amount of respect back. I am owned. I can show that respect and still consider that Dominant my equal. I also believe that not having a collar is no excuse. They are still your equal until you submit...bottom line. The only thing you show when you DON'T use a polite greeting is that you are being too familiar and are clearly an ungraceful slob. And don't give me that horse hockey about "well submissives don't get that polite term". You're a submissive! It is what you signed up for! If you willingly and proudly display to the community that you are submissive, then why take offense when someone uses your given name and not a title? If you had wanted a title, then you would have chosen to be DOMINANT. Be happy and content that they are being polite when they use your name and not "yo slut" the first time they meet you.
Finally, for the Dominants who refuse to allow their submissives to address ANY other Dominant by polite greeting. First...clearly you are an ego maniac who thinks calling another Dominant "Sir" is stealing your spotlight. Second...consider what i just told submissives above and now consider that YOU are a reflected upon by their behavior. Wow..don't YOU just look hunky dory! Of course it is a Dominant's choice how to run their household. Just don't go cryin' in your boots when you don't get respect from others. You made it clear YOU didn't have any for anyone else either.
My final sub-stance: There are MILLIONS of IMPORTANT issues in O/our community. W/we should be focusing on THOSE. Manners should not have to be an issue at your age.
Why is this little anecdote important? Lately it has become one of those "issues" that annoy the ever lovin' poop out of me that O/our community has to argue about. Yup, I'm going to sound off here...getting out my soap box and while i will be polite (as always) i am annoyed so i will also be blunt.
Fellow submissives i can not understand for the life of me why it is so hard to address a Dominant (even one you don't know) with Sir or Miss. The only excuse for this i have heard is that "it gives them respect for a title they have not yet earned with me". POPPYCOCK! All it truly does is show that YOU have some intelligence and grace. Enough to be respectful. Just because i called my neighbor Miss Hanson doesn't mean i was now HER child. I was honoring my upbringing and showing my own dignity. And as for earning that much, don't we as submissives complain about the people who arbitrarily call us "girl and boy" or order us to kneel? They don't know us and automatically disrespect us.
Wake up. You are doing the same thing to this stranger. Yes i realize that a true Dominant must prove that title. But you didn't submit to them, give them any power over you or even offer to feed Their goldfish. All you did was show them basic SELF respect. Not to mention a level of polite distance. If i were to yell out to my neighbor "Yo girlfriend what up??" when i hardly know her...this would rather imply that i knew her well enough to be so friendly. By addressing a person who enters the room with a Dominant title as Sir or Miss, i am putting that protective barrier around ME and giving them that respectful space. It is formal and polite..NOT submission or putting yourself beneath them. In fact Sir or Miss doesn't even GIVE them a title. Just basic respect. And we should be able to respect another person at the very least as a human being and give that respectful SPACE. You don't know them. DON'T call them by first name and imply that you do. Or that you have the right to. Further more, i always address strangers as Sir or Miss until they tell me otherwise. Even in RL...big surprise...Sir and Miss and Ma'am ..are all perfectly acceptable in the vanilla RL world. And i am not submitting to THEM either. I can't, with my upbringing, imagine referring to a stranger who walks into a room as "dude". "Thank You SIR" if this man holds the door for me at the store...is BASIC MANNERS.
And i don't care if you are Gore, M/s, D/s or just plain giggleberry. Manners should not be optional. They should be required. A Dominant is required to respect the collar, show respect to other submissives they don't own, and can be very harshly judged when They don't. As submissives it is our OBLIGATION to give at LEAST that amount of respect back. I am owned. I can show that respect and still consider that Dominant my equal. I also believe that not having a collar is no excuse. They are still your equal until you submit...bottom line. The only thing you show when you DON'T use a polite greeting is that you are being too familiar and are clearly an ungraceful slob. And don't give me that horse hockey about "well submissives don't get that polite term". You're a submissive! It is what you signed up for! If you willingly and proudly display to the community that you are submissive, then why take offense when someone uses your given name and not a title? If you had wanted a title, then you would have chosen to be DOMINANT. Be happy and content that they are being polite when they use your name and not "yo slut" the first time they meet you.
Finally, for the Dominants who refuse to allow their submissives to address ANY other Dominant by polite greeting. First...clearly you are an ego maniac who thinks calling another Dominant "Sir" is stealing your spotlight. Second...consider what i just told submissives above and now consider that YOU are a reflected upon by their behavior. Wow..don't YOU just look hunky dory! Of course it is a Dominant's choice how to run their household. Just don't go cryin' in your boots when you don't get respect from others. You made it clear YOU didn't have any for anyone else either.
My final sub-stance: There are MILLIONS of IMPORTANT issues in O/our community. W/we should be focusing on THOSE. Manners should not have to be an issue at your age.
" The Balancing Act"
Recently we started a new support group at Solace of submission called Dom/me Nation. This had been a work in progress for several weeks now and we finally found a wonderful facilitator to head this project up in Master Ric Bechir. Master Ric was kind enough to offer his ale house on his Sos parcel as a meeting place.
Last Wednesday was our first meeting and I was thrilled with the results. It was attended by several Dominants whom I hold in high regard and respect. Master Merlin Swordthain, Miss Kaddan Yue, and Master Joss Mubble to name a few.
The most intruging thing to me was the fact that from the outside looking in, our households appear to be happy and effortless. Those of us who have households know that no household is on auto pilot and regardless of how healthy they seem, a lot of work is involved in keeping it that way. I am extremely proud of my girls, sarrah and alisha. They are wonderful women and have embraced their submissiveness while at the same time representing me honorably. The other Dominants in attendance are equally proud of their families.
So what was the common denominator at this discussion? It was the " Balancing Act" that we as Dominants struggle with on a daily basis. That is why I love this new discussion group. We all seem to have the same struggles, but because as Dominants we feel we should be "super heros" as it is not easy to talk about our challenges. How liberating it felt to finally open up to each other. It was amazing that after the initial "awkward" silence, once we got going on this topic it flowed like a river. As Dominants we instinctively take on challenges as that is what empowers us to be who we are daily, but what we all seem to do is take on more than we are prepared for. Being able to balance a household with respect to time, care, and growth goals for each submissive under our care leaves us feeling stretched out emotionally at times. We want to be everything for everyone at all times but this is not a realistic expectation. The gift we offer is the gift of our time and attention. With RL challenges in the mix it is easy to assume our submissives are on "auto pilot". The other factor is that submissives naturally tend to not burden us with issues if they sense we are overwhelmed. That is a wonderful quality for a sub mindset, but in fact keeping these burdens from us removes our power as the heads of the households. The decision as to what to do with burdens is OUR decision and our households must trust that the decisions we make will benefit the entire household.
In order to balance our time and energy it is necessary for us to withdraw into ourselves. Not because we want avoid the issues, but because is it natural for us to absorb, process, and decide. That may require having to spend extra time with a submissive who is needing specialized care to acheive his/her goals. Should the decision to spend extra time be of concern for siblings within the houshold? You would think that there is enough trust and respect built that our decision to spend extra time with a submissive in need would be understood. In most cases it is understood, but that does not mean that it is an easy pill to swallow. I asked a question the other day during a discussion to the subs/slaves in attendance...." Do you want to be the sub/slave within the household that needs your Dominant's constant attention with issues? Or do you want to be the one he/she comes to for peace and tranquility?" Looking at it through that standpoint gives peace when faced with feeling a lack of time is an issue.
Admittedly, we Dominants can have "tunnel vision" and there are times when we missed the signals being sent out. At least I know that is true in my case as I strive to hold myself accountable to my core values. Thankfully, I have learned from the Dom/me Nation support group is that I do not have to internalize my challenges. I can lay these burdens out to my fellow brothers and sisters in this community. We are also benefiting from the fact that as a group we can hold eachother accountable for decisions that have caused issues within households. That way we can learn to balance our lives in a healthy way and become better each day as we take this journey together.
Last Wednesday was our first meeting and I was thrilled with the results. It was attended by several Dominants whom I hold in high regard and respect. Master Merlin Swordthain, Miss Kaddan Yue, and Master Joss Mubble to name a few.
The most intruging thing to me was the fact that from the outside looking in, our households appear to be happy and effortless. Those of us who have households know that no household is on auto pilot and regardless of how healthy they seem, a lot of work is involved in keeping it that way. I am extremely proud of my girls, sarrah and alisha. They are wonderful women and have embraced their submissiveness while at the same time representing me honorably. The other Dominants in attendance are equally proud of their families.
So what was the common denominator at this discussion? It was the " Balancing Act" that we as Dominants struggle with on a daily basis. That is why I love this new discussion group. We all seem to have the same struggles, but because as Dominants we feel we should be "super heros" as it is not easy to talk about our challenges. How liberating it felt to finally open up to each other. It was amazing that after the initial "awkward" silence, once we got going on this topic it flowed like a river. As Dominants we instinctively take on challenges as that is what empowers us to be who we are daily, but what we all seem to do is take on more than we are prepared for. Being able to balance a household with respect to time, care, and growth goals for each submissive under our care leaves us feeling stretched out emotionally at times. We want to be everything for everyone at all times but this is not a realistic expectation. The gift we offer is the gift of our time and attention. With RL challenges in the mix it is easy to assume our submissives are on "auto pilot". The other factor is that submissives naturally tend to not burden us with issues if they sense we are overwhelmed. That is a wonderful quality for a sub mindset, but in fact keeping these burdens from us removes our power as the heads of the households. The decision as to what to do with burdens is OUR decision and our households must trust that the decisions we make will benefit the entire household.
In order to balance our time and energy it is necessary for us to withdraw into ourselves. Not because we want avoid the issues, but because is it natural for us to absorb, process, and decide. That may require having to spend extra time with a submissive who is needing specialized care to acheive his/her goals. Should the decision to spend extra time be of concern for siblings within the houshold? You would think that there is enough trust and respect built that our decision to spend extra time with a submissive in need would be understood. In most cases it is understood, but that does not mean that it is an easy pill to swallow. I asked a question the other day during a discussion to the subs/slaves in attendance...." Do you want to be the sub/slave within the household that needs your Dominant's constant attention with issues? Or do you want to be the one he/she comes to for peace and tranquility?" Looking at it through that standpoint gives peace when faced with feeling a lack of time is an issue.
Admittedly, we Dominants can have "tunnel vision" and there are times when we missed the signals being sent out. At least I know that is true in my case as I strive to hold myself accountable to my core values. Thankfully, I have learned from the Dom/me Nation support group is that I do not have to internalize my challenges. I can lay these burdens out to my fellow brothers and sisters in this community. We are also benefiting from the fact that as a group we can hold eachother accountable for decisions that have caused issues within households. That way we can learn to balance our lives in a healthy way and become better each day as we take this journey together.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Cat Fight!!..When Siblings Square Off Part 2 .."The Sibling Factor"
Alright, in my last post, round one of the cat fight, i talked about how a Dominant introducing a new submissive into the household has an effect on the current submissive. I explained how it can negatively affect that first submissive (and in turn the new one) if the new submissive is not introduced carefully. And i discussed how certain set ups can create competition between siblings and eventually lead to failure.
But now lets us be fair here. Ultimately the two people who are going to determine if the poly house succeeds or not are the siblings. And no matter how carefully and slowly the Dominant makes that transition, if the siblings wont bond they will eventually tear down the house. At the very least they will put the Dominant in the very uncomfortable position of having to send one away.
There goes the bell and here is round two!
Suzie subbie is mad. She passed annoyed and disgruntled and is now stewing like a pot of tomatoes. Master introduced Sally subbie as a friend and made it clear He would like the two subs to become sisters down the road. Now Master told Suzie in the PE He might consider a poly house in the future, but she didn't really believe He would want to. She was sure she could change His mind once she was collared. Yet here is Sally whom they met at the last lecture.
Yea yea so she is nice and the three of them did have a good time talking and all. But that is a big difference than actually having Sally sitting right there. Suzie heard that Sally was coming for a visit. That Master was talking with her and may give her a consideration collar down the road. He wants them to get to know each other and be friends. Suzie may sit there and paint a smile on her face but she is feeling jealous about this girls presence.
And Suzie stews. The steam rises as time goes but Suzie has a lid on it. She is going to keep that lid on tight till she blows sky high and takes the house down with her. In this scenario, Suzie made her mind up even before she had the collar actually on that she was in charge. She went into the collar believing that no matter what Dominant said at the PE, she would change His mind. She would mold Master to be what SHE wanted. So in truth she has never really submitted at all. A submissive gives themselves to the will of the Dominant. The moment we start to critique our Dominant and do our own "interior decorating" with them, try to make them change to suit US, we are taking away any submission and topping blatantly. And as W/we all know, there is only one D in the D/s relationship.
Now there are a few ways Suzie's story could turn out when that lid blows. She could put a sweet-as-peaches face on to Sally but complain about any detail she can find to Master. If Master calls her on it though, and reminds her that He did say He wanted poly AND that there can be no room for jealousy..well...
Suzie is not likely to take this well. In fact she could turn on her own Dominant if she doesn't get her way. In no time she could be going from sim to sim telling everyone in earshot how rotten He is and how awful Sally is too.
That's one way to bring down the house. Another would be if Suzie decided to plot against Sally. Arrange it so that Master's mind is changed. Maybe tell Him she has heard rumors about Sally. Or set Sally up somehow to look bad.
And how is poor Sally to take all this? Chances are, not real good. She is human and eventually will return fire. Or worse, she may take on a huge burden of guilt that she somehow is responsible for ruining the household. In this instance though Sally is innocent. Suzie alone is responsible for acting out of jealousy and trying to run the house. Suzie alone brought the house down with her own behavior. But it could be Sally carrying the guilt. And if Sally is new to the lifestyle, you can bet she wont be coming back any time soon.
Now lets look at another scenario. This time Suzie is the "good girl". She has openly and lovingly accepted Sally into the home and is working very hard to help Sally feel welcomed. The trouble is Sally isn't making it easy. In fact Sally would rather that Suzie just shut up and go away.
Now the fact is Sally does not owe Suzie any sort of bond. The bond she owes is to Master. And as long as she is serving Master, following the rules, and being respectful..she does not have to give Suzie the time of day.
So lets say that is the case. Sally literally ignores Suzie and makes it clear she is not there to be bothered with a sibling bond. It wont be long before Suzie's feelings are hurt by this cold "sibling". To make matters worse, if Master is spending extra time with Sally to help build the D/s bond, Suzie will most definitely feel as though she is becoming an outsider and possibly a throw away.
In this case the only thing Suzie can really do is talk to Master. With any luck, He will listen and watch to see how the siblings interact. Then, if the coldness is actually noted, He can take steps to solve the trouble. Of course if He chooses to ignore the problem...or worse, Suzie chooses to keep quiet...eventually Suzie is going to feel completely isolated from Master and her would-be sister. This feeling to a submissive can be devastating and Suzie's Master may very well walk in one day to find Suzie's collar on the floor with no Suzie in it.
Of course, if the feeling of isolation is because Suzie chose not to speak to Master, then by removing her collar she has disrespected it (and her vows to her Master) which makes the end result her own fault. She chose not to trust Master with her feelings. She chose not to share and communicate and acted in self interest alone. Sound harsh? Sometimes the truth does hurt.
Now lets try another attack! Sally has actually been fully collared and is in the home. Suzie has been gracious to her and even welcoming. When talking to Master Suzie appeared happy. They both do. But after a few shopping trips together the siblings find themselves often butting heads. They cant seem to agree on anything. Pretty soon they find it hard to be in the same room without arguing about something. If this sounds a hell of a lot like an RL sibling...trust me it is. I have three and we couldn't live under the same roof.
Its a personality thing. One is quiet and one is loud, one is clean and one is sloppy...you get the picture. Remember Oscar and Felix?
The problem is sooner or later the arguments between these two will spill out from private confrontation between just them and begin to take over the house. Master will be forced to listen to the bickering as will anyone else near by. The really BIG problem this can lead to is that usually when people argue like this, they tend not to listen to anything anyone else has to say. While they are shouting at each other, they are ignoring Master. If Master separates them, they may both take it personally and lash out at Him or throw little tantrums. In this case what is lacking is respect between the siblings and communication.
This issue CAN have a fairly happy ending but only if Master is able to find a way to get them to cooperate. Perhaps redirecting their attention to serving Him, or projects that force them to work together and help each other. Of course i did say "fairly" happy.
The Dominant may very well be able to regain control of the fighting but the tension will still be there. The siblings have to actually feel respect for each other on a genuine level.If they fake it and put on proper and polite face, the root problem is still there. The tension has not been addressed and is still building. The Dominant needs very much to find some common ground between them that Suzie and Sally can truly bond over. Otherwise sooner or later one of the siblings will snap and do the unthinkable; give the Dominant an ultimatum to pick a side.
Which brings us to the bitter end of it. The moment when a Dominant is faced with the fact that the siblings are never going to bond and He or She must choose which sibling to let go of. Keep in mind that, to a Dominant, each sibling is equal and loved the same. Letting go of one, having to tell that one "sorry but this will just not work", is a devastation to the Dominant.
I may be submissive but i can certainly see how this situation can leave even a Dominant feeling insecure and like a failure. It was Their decision after all. Even if They did everything right and did all They could, if They are forced to make a decision, They are very likely to question what They did wrong. And actually coming to that decision, presenting it to one of the submissives, well i honestly would not want to be in those shoes. And i REALLY would not want to be the one Dominant decided to release.
Fellow submissives this is a cruel and bad place to put your Dominant and yourself. First submissive needs to be aware that just because she or he is first does not necessarily mean you will be granted to stay. Having the title of "first" is not automatic immunity to bad behavior.The Dominant will be forced to look at the situation, weigh where the problem may lie, and release accordingly. If the issue is that first submissive is not accepting the idea of the poly house and trying to force the Dominant into a mono home, first submissive may find themselves walking. Especially if they were told at the PE that poly house would be a possibility or their behavior has been abusive to the Dominant and/or the sibling.
Keep in mind, too, that if the Dominant feels BOTH submissives have been disrespectful and that neither of them have considered their bond to Dominant, the Dominant may decide to clean house and start over from scratch. Both submissives out the door for disgracing the Dominant. After all, while you were fighting with your sibling, you were ignoring your Dominant. Or worse; treating Dominant like the prize at a mud wrestling challenge. Fighting with a sibling for the Dominant's attention is the same as fighting for ownership of Dominant. Just as a reminder; the submissive does NOT own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive. And can very easily DISown them too.
My final substance on the cat fight; everyone within the household must act responsibly and respectfully if the poly dynamic is to work. Whether it is Dominant or submissive, if any fail to act carefully or with regard to the O/others in the household it WILL fail. And ultimately we are all responsible for our actions. If we act out of jealousy, self indulgence, arrogance, competition, or just plain thoughtlessness for others, the only one who can be blamed is ourselves. Of course you are entitled to your feelings. We don't control those. But we can control our actions even when we feel someone has wronged us.
Submissive siblings CAN form an amazing bond. I have only to think of Alisha and know this is so. I can not describe how proud i am to be blessed with such a sister or my gratitude to Master for bringing her into the family. But this did not happen overnight. It took time, communication, patience, and a true openness for U/us all to bond as a family. It will continue to be this way so long as W/we are a family.
W/we are blessed, yes. But W/we also did the work to get here. My bond with sis is just as strong (if not stronger) as my bond with my blood siblings but if either of us had acted out of self interest this family would not be what it is.
So if a poly house is where you are headed, and you hope to have a tight bond....be ready. Be ready to take time and be open to each other. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. And be ready to put the happiness of your family members at the center of your own happiness. Should anything go wrong, be ready to act with dignity and respect. If you are submissive, remember your place both with your Dominant and with siblings. There can be no promise that the household will succeed. But it stands a much better chance if everyone in the house shares the common bond of caring.
Funny how that works...with any relationship.
But now lets us be fair here. Ultimately the two people who are going to determine if the poly house succeeds or not are the siblings. And no matter how carefully and slowly the Dominant makes that transition, if the siblings wont bond they will eventually tear down the house. At the very least they will put the Dominant in the very uncomfortable position of having to send one away.
There goes the bell and here is round two!
Suzie subbie is mad. She passed annoyed and disgruntled and is now stewing like a pot of tomatoes. Master introduced Sally subbie as a friend and made it clear He would like the two subs to become sisters down the road. Now Master told Suzie in the PE He might consider a poly house in the future, but she didn't really believe He would want to. She was sure she could change His mind once she was collared. Yet here is Sally whom they met at the last lecture.
Yea yea so she is nice and the three of them did have a good time talking and all. But that is a big difference than actually having Sally sitting right there. Suzie heard that Sally was coming for a visit. That Master was talking with her and may give her a consideration collar down the road. He wants them to get to know each other and be friends. Suzie may sit there and paint a smile on her face but she is feeling jealous about this girls presence.
And Suzie stews. The steam rises as time goes but Suzie has a lid on it. She is going to keep that lid on tight till she blows sky high and takes the house down with her. In this scenario, Suzie made her mind up even before she had the collar actually on that she was in charge. She went into the collar believing that no matter what Dominant said at the PE, she would change His mind. She would mold Master to be what SHE wanted. So in truth she has never really submitted at all. A submissive gives themselves to the will of the Dominant. The moment we start to critique our Dominant and do our own "interior decorating" with them, try to make them change to suit US, we are taking away any submission and topping blatantly. And as W/we all know, there is only one D in the D/s relationship.
Now there are a few ways Suzie's story could turn out when that lid blows. She could put a sweet-as-peaches face on to Sally but complain about any detail she can find to Master. If Master calls her on it though, and reminds her that He did say He wanted poly AND that there can be no room for jealousy..well...
Suzie is not likely to take this well. In fact she could turn on her own Dominant if she doesn't get her way. In no time she could be going from sim to sim telling everyone in earshot how rotten He is and how awful Sally is too.
That's one way to bring down the house. Another would be if Suzie decided to plot against Sally. Arrange it so that Master's mind is changed. Maybe tell Him she has heard rumors about Sally. Or set Sally up somehow to look bad.
And how is poor Sally to take all this? Chances are, not real good. She is human and eventually will return fire. Or worse, she may take on a huge burden of guilt that she somehow is responsible for ruining the household. In this instance though Sally is innocent. Suzie alone is responsible for acting out of jealousy and trying to run the house. Suzie alone brought the house down with her own behavior. But it could be Sally carrying the guilt. And if Sally is new to the lifestyle, you can bet she wont be coming back any time soon.
Now lets look at another scenario. This time Suzie is the "good girl". She has openly and lovingly accepted Sally into the home and is working very hard to help Sally feel welcomed. The trouble is Sally isn't making it easy. In fact Sally would rather that Suzie just shut up and go away.
Now the fact is Sally does not owe Suzie any sort of bond. The bond she owes is to Master. And as long as she is serving Master, following the rules, and being respectful..she does not have to give Suzie the time of day.
So lets say that is the case. Sally literally ignores Suzie and makes it clear she is not there to be bothered with a sibling bond. It wont be long before Suzie's feelings are hurt by this cold "sibling". To make matters worse, if Master is spending extra time with Sally to help build the D/s bond, Suzie will most definitely feel as though she is becoming an outsider and possibly a throw away.
In this case the only thing Suzie can really do is talk to Master. With any luck, He will listen and watch to see how the siblings interact. Then, if the coldness is actually noted, He can take steps to solve the trouble. Of course if He chooses to ignore the problem...or worse, Suzie chooses to keep quiet...eventually Suzie is going to feel completely isolated from Master and her would-be sister. This feeling to a submissive can be devastating and Suzie's Master may very well walk in one day to find Suzie's collar on the floor with no Suzie in it.
Of course, if the feeling of isolation is because Suzie chose not to speak to Master, then by removing her collar she has disrespected it (and her vows to her Master) which makes the end result her own fault. She chose not to trust Master with her feelings. She chose not to share and communicate and acted in self interest alone. Sound harsh? Sometimes the truth does hurt.
Now lets try another attack! Sally has actually been fully collared and is in the home. Suzie has been gracious to her and even welcoming. When talking to Master Suzie appeared happy. They both do. But after a few shopping trips together the siblings find themselves often butting heads. They cant seem to agree on anything. Pretty soon they find it hard to be in the same room without arguing about something. If this sounds a hell of a lot like an RL sibling...trust me it is. I have three and we couldn't live under the same roof.
Its a personality thing. One is quiet and one is loud, one is clean and one is sloppy...you get the picture. Remember Oscar and Felix?
The problem is sooner or later the arguments between these two will spill out from private confrontation between just them and begin to take over the house. Master will be forced to listen to the bickering as will anyone else near by. The really BIG problem this can lead to is that usually when people argue like this, they tend not to listen to anything anyone else has to say. While they are shouting at each other, they are ignoring Master. If Master separates them, they may both take it personally and lash out at Him or throw little tantrums. In this case what is lacking is respect between the siblings and communication.
This issue CAN have a fairly happy ending but only if Master is able to find a way to get them to cooperate. Perhaps redirecting their attention to serving Him, or projects that force them to work together and help each other. Of course i did say "fairly" happy.
The Dominant may very well be able to regain control of the fighting but the tension will still be there. The siblings have to actually feel respect for each other on a genuine level.If they fake it and put on proper and polite face, the root problem is still there. The tension has not been addressed and is still building. The Dominant needs very much to find some common ground between them that Suzie and Sally can truly bond over. Otherwise sooner or later one of the siblings will snap and do the unthinkable; give the Dominant an ultimatum to pick a side.
Which brings us to the bitter end of it. The moment when a Dominant is faced with the fact that the siblings are never going to bond and He or She must choose which sibling to let go of. Keep in mind that, to a Dominant, each sibling is equal and loved the same. Letting go of one, having to tell that one "sorry but this will just not work", is a devastation to the Dominant.
I may be submissive but i can certainly see how this situation can leave even a Dominant feeling insecure and like a failure. It was Their decision after all. Even if They did everything right and did all They could, if They are forced to make a decision, They are very likely to question what They did wrong. And actually coming to that decision, presenting it to one of the submissives, well i honestly would not want to be in those shoes. And i REALLY would not want to be the one Dominant decided to release.
Fellow submissives this is a cruel and bad place to put your Dominant and yourself. First submissive needs to be aware that just because she or he is first does not necessarily mean you will be granted to stay. Having the title of "first" is not automatic immunity to bad behavior.The Dominant will be forced to look at the situation, weigh where the problem may lie, and release accordingly. If the issue is that first submissive is not accepting the idea of the poly house and trying to force the Dominant into a mono home, first submissive may find themselves walking. Especially if they were told at the PE that poly house would be a possibility or their behavior has been abusive to the Dominant and/or the sibling.
Keep in mind, too, that if the Dominant feels BOTH submissives have been disrespectful and that neither of them have considered their bond to Dominant, the Dominant may decide to clean house and start over from scratch. Both submissives out the door for disgracing the Dominant. After all, while you were fighting with your sibling, you were ignoring your Dominant. Or worse; treating Dominant like the prize at a mud wrestling challenge. Fighting with a sibling for the Dominant's attention is the same as fighting for ownership of Dominant. Just as a reminder; the submissive does NOT own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive. And can very easily DISown them too.
My final substance on the cat fight; everyone within the household must act responsibly and respectfully if the poly dynamic is to work. Whether it is Dominant or submissive, if any fail to act carefully or with regard to the O/others in the household it WILL fail. And ultimately we are all responsible for our actions. If we act out of jealousy, self indulgence, arrogance, competition, or just plain thoughtlessness for others, the only one who can be blamed is ourselves. Of course you are entitled to your feelings. We don't control those. But we can control our actions even when we feel someone has wronged us.
Submissive siblings CAN form an amazing bond. I have only to think of Alisha and know this is so. I can not describe how proud i am to be blessed with such a sister or my gratitude to Master for bringing her into the family. But this did not happen overnight. It took time, communication, patience, and a true openness for U/us all to bond as a family. It will continue to be this way so long as W/we are a family.
W/we are blessed, yes. But W/we also did the work to get here. My bond with sis is just as strong (if not stronger) as my bond with my blood siblings but if either of us had acted out of self interest this family would not be what it is.
So if a poly house is where you are headed, and you hope to have a tight bond....be ready. Be ready to take time and be open to each other. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. And be ready to put the happiness of your family members at the center of your own happiness. Should anything go wrong, be ready to act with dignity and respect. If you are submissive, remember your place both with your Dominant and with siblings. There can be no promise that the household will succeed. But it stands a much better chance if everyone in the house shares the common bond of caring.
Funny how that works...with any relationship.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)