Congress uses them, major corporations use them, tax evaders, lawyers, and many others make use of them. Loopholes. Those tiny little words (or lack of words) that allow these people to avoid certain situations and control others after a contract has been entered. And what else do all of these groups have in common? We tend, as a society, not to have a whole lot of trust in any of them. Loopholes are too often used so that these people can slither out from under obligation or take power that is not theirs to take. To be blunt, its legal cheating. And the way i was raised, if you got caught cheating in any way, you took a loser lap around the field.
In the lifestyle, the Power Exchange is the contract between the Dominant and submissive/slave. It stipulates clearly what each partner needs from the relationship, the limits they are willing or not willing to breach, and the vows of commitment to each other. The rules the submissive/slave will have to follow are clearly outlined and the submissive/slave's understanding and acceptance of them is given when they accept the collar. Hence the reason i stress VERY strongly to students to take time to KNOW the Dominant and what that Dominant expects.
But i am quickly finding that it is Dominants who also need to take time to read the fine print!...(or lack thereof).
When a Dominant takes on the responsibility of a submissive, They take on that persons life baggage. They understand (or should) what that submissive/slave needs in terms goals and what potential they have shown to reach those goals. I am going to use poly House as an example as it seems to be the biggest loop of all. If a Dominant wishes to some time down the road expand to poly, it is Their responsibility to express that in the PE. Not making this very important change down the road clear to the submissive/slave is, itself, a loophole because They can change the dynamic of the Household at will and still not break any part of the PE. But it can also set the Dominant up for a bad experience with a calculating sub/slave.
Lets say that Sally Subbie has been told CLEARLY by her potential Dominant that He very much wishes to move to a poly Household in the future. She is rather new to the lifestyle and is not sure she really wants to go down that road but does not wish to lose this collar. When the PE is set up she expresses that poly House is a soft limit (one she is not currently comfortable with but will be willing to try down the road). In His generosity, the Dominant agrees to put into the PE that poly House will be explored "when Sally has grown and is more comfortable with trying the Poly House". You could drive a truck through that loophole... and here is why: Sally now has a card she can play. Every time her Dom brings up the subject, she can simply reply that she isn't ready yet. And since there was no stipulation about time or the goals set to help her BE ready, she does not ever have to try. Sally ..take a lap.
My fellow servants in collar, this is an ugly trick to play on your Dominant. In essence, Sally agreed to move to poly on HER terms. And since she really had no intention of moving in that direction, her "terms" are actually never. There is nothing wrong with a submissive wishing to serve a mono Dominant. But there is a lot wrong with using a loophole to control a POLY Dom into bending to your will.
Dominants, this is why i strongly urge You to CLEARLY spell out exact time frames. Spell out for Sally exactly what goals and rules will be used to help her reach this level of change. And spell out the time that You are willing to give before You want to start the shift to poly. Otherwise You are going to be sitting on Your thumbs while Your sub/slave dictates to YOU how You are going to run Your house.
Expectation is another major loophole that subs/slaves seem to make regular use of and is usually not part of the PE. While the usual "expectation" of the relationship is mentioned (i.e. i expect to grow and learn as i serve You and expect to be cared about/for in return), there is a lot more that is NOT mentioned.
Lets go back to Sally. In this instance, Sally is the first collar the Dominant has but this time poly is reached. A new submissive is being added. What Sally did not mention in the PE (or to anyone else) is that since she was the first one collared, she EXPECTS to be given first rights to all things. This includes personal time and any decision made in any event of disagreement with the new submissive. Basically her mindset is "i was here first. The sib gets the seconds".
Now it is true that some Doms DO set up a stairway household. The first submissive/slave on the top and all others below that one. The others are to look up to that first and pretty much be subservient to that one as well as the Dom. Again, it is the Doms personal choice to set Their household up as they please and this may work for some. But for the Dominant that wants a strait line house..the submissives are all equal and focused strictly on the Dom..then i suggest to that Dominant they lay out a new PE for Sally. One that clearly explains to her that she is not above her new sibling in any way. And one that makes it also clear that the Dominant will decide what He/She gives and when. Lets check out what Sally might do otherwise!
Nancy Newsub is introduced to the household and eventually gains a collar. To the Dominant this means He has two subs of equal value. Each unique and each cherished EQUALLY. But to Sally, she was first. To Sally's mind, she is entitled to have first in all things over Nancy.
So one day Master has some extra time off to spend. He knows Sally is doing pretty well but Nancy needs some guidance. Suddenly Sally gets moody and contrary because Master is spending time with Nancy first instead of her. Yes there is definitely a jealousy issue in play here. But because there was never a guideline set for Sally that she is not "first in all things" or "better" than Nancy, Sally will throw a tantrum. In her mind she is justified. In reality she is trying to top her Dom with a false sense of entitlement. She has forgotten that it is the Dominant who decides and being first does not give her right to EXPECT that Dominant to do anything. She will get what her Dominant feels she needs. By taking the collar in the first place, Sally agreed to let her Dominant make that decision. Now she is trying to take power from the Dominant by telling Him when He is "allowed" to spend time with Nancy. Sally...take a lap.
And for some submissives/slaves, this concept of entitlement goes beyond the household. These are the ones who feel they are entitled to make judgements on people because of friendships, demands on groups because they have been there a while, and have the general belief that the world "owes" them respect. If that person HAD such respect, the moment they believe they are fully entitled to it from everyone, they lose that respect. Just because you are best friends with someone does not mean you have the right to demand personal information or expect them to give you intimate details. You will get what information they feel they WANT to share and nothing more (or status in a group, or time with your Dominant etc.). The world does not owe you a thing.
Ok..now i will throw down one more loophole i see often. In fact i tend to see this one used by the EXPERIENCED submissives most! Its the "Dom knows how i am" loophole. In this little game the submissive uses the excuse that since her/his Dom collared them, they should know the little behavior issues that come with the package. And while this is true to an extent, it is also the sub/slaves responsibility to make the effort to change. If the sub/slave is aware they tend to impolite or downright mean if they feel slighted, then THEY have to make the effort to show some self control. I am not talking about defending ones self against the idiots who make rude comments or gestures. By all means, defend yourself. BUT if you tend to get bent out of shape, for example, in a discussion when someone disagrees with your point of view..that is YOUR responsibility to control. Let me give an example to clarify.
This time Sally is at a meeting and the topic at the moment is one she is passionate about. She states her feelings on the topic but someone else respectfully expresses a different point of view. In response, Sally becomes belligerent. She attacks the other speaker and lets her temper get the better of her mouth. Later on that day she acknowledges to a friend that she got carried away and her Dom will probably hear about it but in her mind "He knows how i am though. Its no big deal."...SALLY....TAKE A LAP!
This is a subtle form of passive/aggressive topping. Just because your Dominant knows you and some of your negative attributes does not excuse you. I am Scotch/Irish, Italian, and German. You bet i have a temper and can fly off the handle without looking at the whole picture before responding. Its something i have always done. But not something that is going to reflect well on Master. I live with Master and yes He is very well aware of how i am. But it is MY responsibility to control that temper not His. Nor is He obligated to "deal with it" just because He collared me. I am the one obligated to learn some control BECAUSE He collared me and i respect that.
And while i agree that we should be loved unconditionally (Master has never stopped loving me because of this flaw), if we are aware of the flaw...then we should make the effort to address it. Not excuse it nor expect the Dominant to "deal with it". Even worse, i have heard subs outright tell the Dominant "you collared me. You know i am like this!" In essence, telling the Dom outright to "deal with it" rather than apologize for the action. Your actions and words are YOUR responsibility. YOU deal with it. Otherwise the message you are sending is that you put yourself above Them. Your behavior (and right to act out) is above the honor of the collar.
Now let me also point out something here; I have been criticized that i am trying to turn subs/slaves into "cookie cutter subbies". I am not telling anyone not to be themselves. I am stating that, as adults, our behavior is OUR responsibility. Being collared does not excuse that. In fact, it should make responsibility all the more important. Once you are collared you REPRESENT the Dominant. If being "yourself" means putting your behavior before the honor of the collar, then i suggest you are not ready for that responsibility that COMES with the honor.
My final Sub-Stance; Using loopholes to excuse behavior or get out of a Dominants decisions IS topping. Its also underhanded and crude. The collar represents (among other things) trust. Not just a submissives/slaves trust in the Dominant but also the Dominants trust in the one they collar. They are trusting you to represent Their name with honor. And they are trusting you to give the gift of submission fully, not whenever you feel like it. The PE is used to outline the limits of this exchange BEFORE the collar is given. Using it to subtly take away the Dominants power whenever we feel IS cheating the PE.
Once again, this is NOT vanilla. There is not "equality" in the relationship of D/s. There is a Dominant who owns the submissive. And a submissive who, by taking the collar, accepted this ownership. The word "submit" means to yield power and control to another. Period. Be smart, be proud, be outspoken (i certainly am!), but do it with HONOR for your Dominant. I am not perfect, but i am PROUD to be owned by such a wonderful Master. I want all i do and say to bring Him pride in owning me. And while i make plenty of mistakes, they are my mistakes and my responsibility to correct. If i disagree with Master, i may tell Him how i feel, but i accept that i am the one who is owned. His decision is final. If i attempt to use any other means to get what i want from Him then i fully expect Him to tell me...Take a lap!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Ego Tripping!! A Bad SUBMISSIVE Trait??
A note of apology for the double post on Common Unity...i grabbed the wrong one! That's what i get for blogging without having that second cup of coffee ;)
When we think of ego maniacs we think of the person who demands all eyes on them. They wouldn't dream of leaving the house in a pair of sweats because (of course) everyone would notice! Their opinion is the only "right" one and THEY are the center of the world (or should be!). So how is it that a submissive heart could have an ego problem? Submissives serve the Dominant. The Dominant's happiness is their joy. By nature a submissive is about the last person with an ego problem right?
Not long ago i discovered my own ego problem. How much i would love to say it was a lack of communication or understanding but the plain truth is i let my ego control my thoughts. You see, part of what i teach at Solace Academy is communication. When something is bothering you or you feel uncomfortable, the first step is to go your Dominant and TALK about it. Let them know how you are feeling so that a solution can be reached. But that a submissive must understand that a Dominant may not always share His or Her own issues with the submissive. And it was at exactly this point that my ego jumped up and bit me.
Master was having some things He needed to work out in His mind. Ever the "typical" submissive, i took His silence as personal. And isn't it something i tell other submissives not to do? Don't take it personal because chances are its not about you at all.
But i did. It is so easy to sit and think "what did i do wrong" and make it some kind of martyrdom badge. Take the blame before it is given. I credit my sis with all my heart for setting me strait because she, too, has the same brain function as Master. They withdraw and think on things that bother T/them. Not from just who or what is bothering T/them but from everything. T/they need that space. Once she had explained it, and once i finally took my own advice about communicating...i learned there were issues that did not involve me that were causing the trouble.
I have been thinking on this ever since and finally FINALLY am able to put into words why i felt so guilty afterward. I was tripping on my own ego. The fact is that not everything that Master deals with in a day is about me in any way. Yet when a submissive blames them self for a Dominant's distance, that is exactly what we are expecting. Dominants are people too. People have lives full of things to think or worry about. Car payments, kids, job, rent, parents etc. As much as we would love to spend every waking moment focused on the person we share our life with, it simply is not practical.
If you are a submissive or slave consider this: Do you have time through out your day to sit and think ONLY of your Dominant? Of course not. Yes They are always in our hearts and in the back of our minds. But we need to focus our minds on the issues of the moment too. If you are sitting in a board meeting about finances and all you can say at the meeting is "my Master is so great!" chances are you wont have a job very long. And what if YOU are the one under the gun because the financial picture of the company is bad? You will worry about it! It isn't that your Dominant is not important or part of your heart every moment. Just that your focus must be on the issue at hand. And for some people, (Dominant, submissive, male or female ) it is a natural reaction to internalize stress until we have solved it on our own terms. We may not be aware that while we are turning this around in our minds, that we are not giving our full attention to others around us.
A Dominant may notice this in the submissive or slave and call it to the floor. But we who serve are really not allowed to do that. We may approach Them and ask if there is some trouble we may help with, but the Dominant is not obligated to answer us. If the only answer They choose to give is that they "have things on Their mind", we must accept this answer. Unfortunately we sometimes take the view that "it has to be my fault. What have i done to displease Him/Her?" While this might seem like the tender heart of a longing servant, it is also an ego trip. In taking on responsibility for the Dominant withdrawing into Their mind to think, we assume that all they can possibly have to think about is US. And we run the great risk of taking that ego trip to the next level when we fully believe WE are the problem and withdraw from the Dominant. When we do this, we are taking our gift of submission and service away. Worse, they will notice our sullen behavior and now have TWO problems to deal with. The one they started with and our behavior (which they don't understand because we didn't talk to them about it).
When we engage in the thought that everything is our fault, we assume we are the center of everything. We send the message that all we expect the Dominant to have to focus on in a day is us. This is far from an endearing submissive trait. It is a "me me me" concept. And it follows through when the Dominant chooses to speak to others or have close relationship with others. Our jealousy causes us to ask "am i being replaced? Am i not doing enough?" Once again we expect all focus to belong to us and worry about OUR position with the Dominant. In a poly house this is the main reason we DON'T talk about our personal intimacies with our siblings. It brings about too much chance of selfish competition. The exception to this is when sibs have formed a very close and understanding bond.
Finally, when we engage in this idea that "its all my fault, its all about me", we shut down and stop listening. When our Dominant feels ready to speak and perhaps vent, we are no longer paying attention. We have already assumed it is all about us and are not being the attentive servant to what our Dominant needs from us; sometimes just an ear to vent to and trust. Instead we pull away when they need our service and attentiveness most. Sometimes just being there and listening is all They need to bring Them the peace and joy we so want Them to have.
My final Sub-Stance on this is that while taking the blame may seem like an almost "endearing" quality in a submissve/slave, if done too often it sends the message that we want to be the center at all times. Unfortunately we don't always see that side of the coin. It is not always obvious to us that we have lost our focus. I have since apologized to Master for my lack of attentiveness and you can bet the next time He withdraws or seems sullen...i will let HIM tell me what troubles Him if He chooses. Not assume i have the ability to read His mind or the right to judge His mood. i know from His lips that i am a very important part of His life. But not the only thing of importance either.
When we think of ego maniacs we think of the person who demands all eyes on them. They wouldn't dream of leaving the house in a pair of sweats because (of course) everyone would notice! Their opinion is the only "right" one and THEY are the center of the world (or should be!). So how is it that a submissive heart could have an ego problem? Submissives serve the Dominant. The Dominant's happiness is their joy. By nature a submissive is about the last person with an ego problem right?
Not long ago i discovered my own ego problem. How much i would love to say it was a lack of communication or understanding but the plain truth is i let my ego control my thoughts. You see, part of what i teach at Solace Academy is communication. When something is bothering you or you feel uncomfortable, the first step is to go your Dominant and TALK about it. Let them know how you are feeling so that a solution can be reached. But that a submissive must understand that a Dominant may not always share His or Her own issues with the submissive. And it was at exactly this point that my ego jumped up and bit me.
Master was having some things He needed to work out in His mind. Ever the "typical" submissive, i took His silence as personal. And isn't it something i tell other submissives not to do? Don't take it personal because chances are its not about you at all.
But i did. It is so easy to sit and think "what did i do wrong" and make it some kind of martyrdom badge. Take the blame before it is given. I credit my sis with all my heart for setting me strait because she, too, has the same brain function as Master. They withdraw and think on things that bother T/them. Not from just who or what is bothering T/them but from everything. T/they need that space. Once she had explained it, and once i finally took my own advice about communicating...i learned there were issues that did not involve me that were causing the trouble.
I have been thinking on this ever since and finally FINALLY am able to put into words why i felt so guilty afterward. I was tripping on my own ego. The fact is that not everything that Master deals with in a day is about me in any way. Yet when a submissive blames them self for a Dominant's distance, that is exactly what we are expecting. Dominants are people too. People have lives full of things to think or worry about. Car payments, kids, job, rent, parents etc. As much as we would love to spend every waking moment focused on the person we share our life with, it simply is not practical.
If you are a submissive or slave consider this: Do you have time through out your day to sit and think ONLY of your Dominant? Of course not. Yes They are always in our hearts and in the back of our minds. But we need to focus our minds on the issues of the moment too. If you are sitting in a board meeting about finances and all you can say at the meeting is "my Master is so great!" chances are you wont have a job very long. And what if YOU are the one under the gun because the financial picture of the company is bad? You will worry about it! It isn't that your Dominant is not important or part of your heart every moment. Just that your focus must be on the issue at hand. And for some people, (Dominant, submissive, male or female ) it is a natural reaction to internalize stress until we have solved it on our own terms. We may not be aware that while we are turning this around in our minds, that we are not giving our full attention to others around us.
A Dominant may notice this in the submissive or slave and call it to the floor. But we who serve are really not allowed to do that. We may approach Them and ask if there is some trouble we may help with, but the Dominant is not obligated to answer us. If the only answer They choose to give is that they "have things on Their mind", we must accept this answer. Unfortunately we sometimes take the view that "it has to be my fault. What have i done to displease Him/Her?" While this might seem like the tender heart of a longing servant, it is also an ego trip. In taking on responsibility for the Dominant withdrawing into Their mind to think, we assume that all they can possibly have to think about is US. And we run the great risk of taking that ego trip to the next level when we fully believe WE are the problem and withdraw from the Dominant. When we do this, we are taking our gift of submission and service away. Worse, they will notice our sullen behavior and now have TWO problems to deal with. The one they started with and our behavior (which they don't understand because we didn't talk to them about it).
When we engage in the thought that everything is our fault, we assume we are the center of everything. We send the message that all we expect the Dominant to have to focus on in a day is us. This is far from an endearing submissive trait. It is a "me me me" concept. And it follows through when the Dominant chooses to speak to others or have close relationship with others. Our jealousy causes us to ask "am i being replaced? Am i not doing enough?" Once again we expect all focus to belong to us and worry about OUR position with the Dominant. In a poly house this is the main reason we DON'T talk about our personal intimacies with our siblings. It brings about too much chance of selfish competition. The exception to this is when sibs have formed a very close and understanding bond.
Finally, when we engage in this idea that "its all my fault, its all about me", we shut down and stop listening. When our Dominant feels ready to speak and perhaps vent, we are no longer paying attention. We have already assumed it is all about us and are not being the attentive servant to what our Dominant needs from us; sometimes just an ear to vent to and trust. Instead we pull away when they need our service and attentiveness most. Sometimes just being there and listening is all They need to bring Them the peace and joy we so want Them to have.
My final Sub-Stance on this is that while taking the blame may seem like an almost "endearing" quality in a submissve/slave, if done too often it sends the message that we want to be the center at all times. Unfortunately we don't always see that side of the coin. It is not always obvious to us that we have lost our focus. I have since apologized to Master for my lack of attentiveness and you can bet the next time He withdraws or seems sullen...i will let HIM tell me what troubles Him if He chooses. Not assume i have the ability to read His mind or the right to judge His mood. i know from His lips that i am a very important part of His life. But not the only thing of importance either.
Common Unity
OK, i have already done a blog on judging people. Hopefully folks who read this will take a moment to understand it for what it is. This is my attempt to ALL in the lifestyle to recognize each other with respect and not judgement. Vanilla world does enough of this without us doing it to each other.
My introduction to the lifestyle was not pleasant. Twenty years ago i was not even given enough respect to even be TOLD i was a slave. I only knew i had a strict and jealous boyfriend who liked a few "kinky" things. Yes i was young and utterly nieve. I had no idea the "lifestyle" even existed. As a result, i was injured both emotionally and physically. It was not until i found SL that i learned about the lifestyle or even had a name for what i went through (other than abuse). And it was not until i started getting to know people in the lifestyle that i learned what i went through was NOT a part of the lifestyle at all.
Gradually i started to reconnect with my submissive nature. True to most who have been down the ugly side, i took on the form of Dominant out of self protection. No one was going to hurt me again. But i still wanted to learn more about this lifestyle because something about it resonated with my soul. It took a man like Master, and a lot of time for me to let that wall down. I needed to build trust with a Dominant in order to fully reconnect with my submissive heart. A heart i wore on my sleeve for the abuser and one i wear now for Master. The fact was, for all the friends i had met in the lifestyle, none of them made me feel as safe and sure of my self as He did. None of them made me feel so sure that i could comfortably kneel. I spent too long rebuilding my self confidence and was not able to tear that down by kneeling. Through Him i learned i did not have to. He never ordered or expected me to kneel. He waited till i did it from the heart and on my own terms.
And it took His lifestyle choice too. I have learned over the time that Solace has been open so much about the M/s lifestyle from those whom i hold in the highest regard. Because of these people, i learn more every day and hold the M/s relationship in great esteem. But i could not live in the M/s lifestyle. Too many old hurts and wounds will not let me live fully under that tenant. I do not consider myself above them nor they above me. I simply can not live a life in M/s. Nor do i have to. THAT is the joy of this lifestyle. At least it SHOULD be. That we all understand there are different strokes for different folks and ALLOW each other RESPECTFULLY to be who we are. I may not agree with some aspects of the lifestyle. i may not even like some areas of it. But, as Master says, will give my life for the RIGHT of others to make that decision for themselves.
Vanilla does not do this. Vanilla dictates that there is only one right way and we all have to fall in line. Anything else is unacceptable. Is not this one of the reasons we joined this lifestyle? Not just for the kink or thrill. But because we could be ourselves, be accepted, and not be made to feel "less"? THIS is what i take issue with. There should never be a line between M/s, D/s, Extreme, etc?
I don't agree with all of them. And i wont teach some of them. I wont teach what i don't personally live. But i respect their right to exist. And the right of others to choose for themselves. In the end we are all under the same flag. All part of the same team. The Lifestyle. We need to stop arguing about whether "company B" is better, stronger, etc than "company C" and focus on the main goal. To rebuild this lifestyle with the grace and honor it deserves. We cant do that with back biting and forced superiority. Vanilla already does that to us enough as it is.
Certainly i fully believe that people also have the right to choose vanilla lifestyle too without being judged. It is the fact that they judge us so quickly that bothers me. And we as a lifestyle seem to have carried some of that judgmental behavior over into our own. If you wear the collar, then we are brothers and sisters in SERVICE regardless of what part of the lifestyle we live in. If you own one who has submitted, then You are connected as brothers and sisters in Dominance, no matter what title You prefer to be called or have earned. It is this bigger family that Sos is working so very hard for. This sense of US as a community.
My final Sub-Stance: Let us not prove the vanilla pudding people right about the kind of people we are or the kind of community we are. Let us be a COMMUNITY (Common Unity) that proves honor, respect and dignity are not just words we throw around but part of what we all SHARE regardless of personal taste. Let us stand not toe to toe, but form a bridge that all who come to the lifestyle can walk on and feel safe and welcomed on both sides.
My introduction to the lifestyle was not pleasant. Twenty years ago i was not even given enough respect to even be TOLD i was a slave. I only knew i had a strict and jealous boyfriend who liked a few "kinky" things. Yes i was young and utterly nieve. I had no idea the "lifestyle" even existed. As a result, i was injured both emotionally and physically. It was not until i found SL that i learned about the lifestyle or even had a name for what i went through (other than abuse). And it was not until i started getting to know people in the lifestyle that i learned what i went through was NOT a part of the lifestyle at all.
Gradually i started to reconnect with my submissive nature. True to most who have been down the ugly side, i took on the form of Dominant out of self protection. No one was going to hurt me again. But i still wanted to learn more about this lifestyle because something about it resonated with my soul. It took a man like Master, and a lot of time for me to let that wall down. I needed to build trust with a Dominant in order to fully reconnect with my submissive heart. A heart i wore on my sleeve for the abuser and one i wear now for Master. The fact was, for all the friends i had met in the lifestyle, none of them made me feel as safe and sure of my self as He did. None of them made me feel so sure that i could comfortably kneel. I spent too long rebuilding my self confidence and was not able to tear that down by kneeling. Through Him i learned i did not have to. He never ordered or expected me to kneel. He waited till i did it from the heart and on my own terms.
And it took His lifestyle choice too. I have learned over the time that Solace has been open so much about the M/s lifestyle from those whom i hold in the highest regard. Because of these people, i learn more every day and hold the M/s relationship in great esteem. But i could not live in the M/s lifestyle. Too many old hurts and wounds will not let me live fully under that tenant. I do not consider myself above them nor they above me. I simply can not live a life in M/s. Nor do i have to. THAT is the joy of this lifestyle. At least it SHOULD be. That we all understand there are different strokes for different folks and ALLOW each other RESPECTFULLY to be who we are. I may not agree with some aspects of the lifestyle. i may not even like some areas of it. But, as Master says, will give my life for the RIGHT of others to make that decision for themselves.
Vanilla does not do this. Vanilla dictates that there is only one right way and we all have to fall in line. Anything else is unacceptable. Is not this one of the reasons we joined this lifestyle? Not just for the kink or thrill. But because we could be ourselves, be accepted, and not be made to feel "less"? THIS is what i take issue with. There should never be a line between M/s, D/s, Extreme, etc?
I don't agree with all of them. And i wont teach some of them. I wont teach what i don't personally live. But i respect their right to exist. And the right of others to choose for themselves. In the end we are all under the same flag. All part of the same team. The Lifestyle. We need to stop arguing about whether "company B" is better, stronger, etc than "company C" and focus on the main goal. To rebuild this lifestyle with the grace and honor it deserves. We cant do that with back biting and forced superiority. Vanilla already does that to us enough as it is.
Certainly i fully believe that people also have the right to choose vanilla lifestyle too without being judged. It is the fact that they judge us so quickly that bothers me. And we as a lifestyle seem to have carried some of that judgmental behavior over into our own. If you wear the collar, then we are brothers and sisters in SERVICE regardless of what part of the lifestyle we live in. If you own one who has submitted, then You are connected as brothers and sisters in Dominance, no matter what title You prefer to be called or have earned. It is this bigger family that Sos is working so very hard for. This sense of US as a community.
My final Sub-Stance: Let us not prove the vanilla pudding people right about the kind of people we are or the kind of community we are. Let us be a COMMUNITY (Common Unity) that proves honor, respect and dignity are not just words we throw around but part of what we all SHARE regardless of personal taste. Let us stand not toe to toe, but form a bridge that all who come to the lifestyle can walk on and feel safe and welcomed on both sides.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Common Unity
OK, i have already done a blog on judging people. Hopefully folks who read this will take a moment to understand it for what it is. This is my attempt to ALL in the lifestyle to recognize each other with respect and not judgement. Vanilla world does enough of this without us doing it to each other.
My introduction to the lifestyle was not pleasant. Twenty years ago i was not even given enough respect to even be TOLD i was a slave. I only knew i had a strict and jealous boyfriend who liked a few "kinky" things. Yes i was young and utterly nieve. I had no idea the "lifestyle" even existed. As a result, i was injured both emotionally and physically. It was not until i found SL that i learned about the lifestyle or even had a name for what i went through (other than abuse). And it was not until i started getting to know people in the lifestyle that i learned what i went through was NOT a part of the lifestyle at all.
Gradually i started to reconnect with my submissive nature. True to most who have been down the ugly side, i took on the form of Dominant out of self protection. No one was going to hurt me again. But i still wanted to learn more about this lifestyle because something about it resonated with my soul. It took a man like Master, and a lot of time for me to let that wall down. I needed to build trust with a Dominant in order to fully reconnect with my submissive heart. A heart i wore on my sleeve for the abuser and one i wear now for Master. The fact was, for all the friends i had met in the lifestyle, none of them made me feel as safe and sure of my self as He did. None of them made me feel so sure that i could comfortably kneel. I spent too long rebuilding my self confidence and was not able to tear that down by kneeling. Through Him i learned i did not have to. He never ordered or expected me to kneel. He waited till i did it from the heart and on my own terms.
And it took His lifestyle choice too. I have learned over the time that Solace has been open so much about the M/s lifestyle from those whom i hold in the highest regard. Because of these people, i learn more every day and hold the M/s relationship in great esteem. But i could not live in the M/s lifestyle. Too many old hurts and wounds will not let me live fully under that tenant. I do not consider myself above them nor they above me. I simply can not live a life in M/s. Nor do i have to. THAT is the joy of this lifestyle. At least it SHOULD be. That we all understand there are different strokes for different folks and ALLOW each other RESPECTFULLY to be who we are. I may not agree with some aspects of the lifestyle. i may not even like some areas of it. But, as Master says, will give my life for the RIGHT of others to make that decision for themselves.
Vanilla does not do this. Vanilla dictates that there is only one right way and we all have to fall in line. Anything else is unacceptable. Is not this one of the reasons we joined this lifestyle? Not just for the kink or thrill. But because we could be ourselves, be accepted, and not be made to feel "less"? THIS is what i take issue with. There should never be a line between M/s, D/s, Extreme, etc?
I don't agree with all of them. And i wont teach some of them. I wont teach what i don't personally live. But i respect their right to exist. And the right of others to choose for themselves. In the end we are all under the same flag. All part of the same team. The Lifestyle. We need to stop arguing about whether "company B" is better, stronger, etc than "company C" and focus on the main goal. To rebuild this lifestyle with the grace and honor it deserves. We cant do that with back biting and forced superiority. Vanilla already does that to us enough as it is.
Certainly i fully believe that people also have the right to choose vanilla lifestyle too without being judged. It is the fact that they judge us so quickly that bothers me. And we as a lifestyle seem to have carried some of that judgmental behavior over into our own. If you wear the collar, then we are brothers and sisters in SERVICE regardless of what part of the lifestyle we live in. If you own one who has submitted, then You are connected as brothers and sisters in Dominance, no matter what title You prefer to be called or have earned. It is this bigger family that Sos is working so very hard for. This sense of US as a community.
My final Sub-Stance: Let us not prove the vanilla pudding people right about the kind of people we are or the kind of community we are. Let us be a COMMUNITY (Common Unity) that proves honor, respect and dignity are not just words we throw around but part of what we all SHARE regardless of personal taste.
My introduction to the lifestyle was not pleasant. Twenty years ago i was not even given enough respect to even be TOLD i was a slave. I only knew i had a strict and jealous boyfriend who liked a few "kinky" things. Yes i was young and utterly nieve. I had no idea the "lifestyle" even existed. As a result, i was injured both emotionally and physically. It was not until i found SL that i learned about the lifestyle or even had a name for what i went through (other than abuse). And it was not until i started getting to know people in the lifestyle that i learned what i went through was NOT a part of the lifestyle at all.
Gradually i started to reconnect with my submissive nature. True to most who have been down the ugly side, i took on the form of Dominant out of self protection. No one was going to hurt me again. But i still wanted to learn more about this lifestyle because something about it resonated with my soul. It took a man like Master, and a lot of time for me to let that wall down. I needed to build trust with a Dominant in order to fully reconnect with my submissive heart. A heart i wore on my sleeve for the abuser and one i wear now for Master. The fact was, for all the friends i had met in the lifestyle, none of them made me feel as safe and sure of my self as He did. None of them made me feel so sure that i could comfortably kneel. I spent too long rebuilding my self confidence and was not able to tear that down by kneeling. Through Him i learned i did not have to. He never ordered or expected me to kneel. He waited till i did it from the heart and on my own terms.
And it took His lifestyle choice too. I have learned over the time that Solace has been open so much about the M/s lifestyle from those whom i hold in the highest regard. Because of these people, i learn more every day and hold the M/s relationship in great esteem. But i could not live in the M/s lifestyle. Too many old hurts and wounds will not let me live fully under that tenant. I do not consider myself above them nor they above me. I simply can not live a life in M/s. Nor do i have to. THAT is the joy of this lifestyle. At least it SHOULD be. That we all understand there are different strokes for different folks and ALLOW each other RESPECTFULLY to be who we are. I may not agree with some aspects of the lifestyle. i may not even like some areas of it. But, as Master says, will give my life for the RIGHT of others to make that decision for themselves.
Vanilla does not do this. Vanilla dictates that there is only one right way and we all have to fall in line. Anything else is unacceptable. Is not this one of the reasons we joined this lifestyle? Not just for the kink or thrill. But because we could be ourselves, be accepted, and not be made to feel "less"? THIS is what i take issue with. There should never be a line between M/s, D/s, Extreme, etc?
I don't agree with all of them. And i wont teach some of them. I wont teach what i don't personally live. But i respect their right to exist. And the right of others to choose for themselves. In the end we are all under the same flag. All part of the same team. The Lifestyle. We need to stop arguing about whether "company B" is better, stronger, etc than "company C" and focus on the main goal. To rebuild this lifestyle with the grace and honor it deserves. We cant do that with back biting and forced superiority. Vanilla already does that to us enough as it is.
Certainly i fully believe that people also have the right to choose vanilla lifestyle too without being judged. It is the fact that they judge us so quickly that bothers me. And we as a lifestyle seem to have carried some of that judgmental behavior over into our own. If you wear the collar, then we are brothers and sisters in SERVICE regardless of what part of the lifestyle we live in. If you own one who has submitted, then You are connected as brothers and sisters in Dominance, no matter what title You prefer to be called or have earned. It is this bigger family that Sos is working so very hard for. This sense of US as a community.
My final Sub-Stance: Let us not prove the vanilla pudding people right about the kind of people we are or the kind of community we are. Let us be a COMMUNITY (Common Unity) that proves honor, respect and dignity are not just words we throw around but part of what we all SHARE regardless of personal taste.
Friday, June 24, 2011
OMG!!..Todler Brow Waxing??!!
I had to share this. The other day we were experiencing some storms and possible tornadoes. I turned on the news station at work that streams the warnings for our area and left it on while i sat doing some filing. One of the articles being shown was on those toddler fashion competitions so, of course, i had to watch. I was so shocked and disgusted i had to write this and make my case.
It seems toddler beauty pageants have stooped to an all time low. Not only was the three year old being interviewed dressed in ACTUAL daisy dukes and cut off belly shirt, but she was forced to endure BROW WAXING. Even I don't do that! A three year old?? Seriously??!! To top it off, she was learning dances for the competition that included hip thrusts and dubious poses that verged on child pornography in my mind.
And it doesn't take a genius to know what the message to this child is. You have to be waxed and half naked to be beautiful. Then stick her in a competition that pits her looks against other three year old. What do you think this baby is going to grow up believing? That the look counts. And you have to be the prettiest and sexiest to be a winner. Inner beauty or intelligence does not count. They were even spraying this child with skin tanner.
As adult women we are already inundated with this message. Magazines, commercials, infomercials...you name it. We are told daily we need to have the best hair, the best smile, the best skin and BE the best. Why? So we can get the most attention. Back to the vanilla basic: If you are not the best at all of this, you are replaceable and will lose the competition. In vanilla pudding world everything is about competition. Especially in relationships. Hence the emphasis on sex appeal. And since vanilla land only allows one partner/spouse we are constantly in competition with anyone who gets too close. Jealousy is trained into us. But lately it has reached epoch proportions.
At three years old i was out in the yard playing with my brother. At three years old, the only makeup i wore was at Halloween. Now they smear lipstick and eyeshadow on and spend hours rehearsing naughty poses. They pick out risque outfits and sashay down runways. One other girl in the article was actually being taught by her mother to pray to God for the right outfit. Nice message. If i lose the competition its Gods fault. And how do you think these three year olds are going to feel when they lose the competition? Yup, just like the rest of us. Losers. Not pretty enough or good enough. I am sorry but i think three is a little young to be forced into having a body complex. Definitely too young to start believing they can be replaced if they don't look sexy enough.
And then we wonder why so many teens and young adults these days are suffering eating disorders and bouts of severe depression. Suddenly teen suicide makes a whole lot of sense. After all, we already taught them they were not worth anything if they were not pretty enough to be prom queen. I am old enough to understand when i see a hair dye commercial that they are selling me an idea. And i don't have to buy into it. But when we talk about kids, they take all they learn in the earliest days from mom and dad. By the time they hit ten they will fully believe they can never stop being in competition with everyone else to be the prettiest. They will always fear being replaced and losing.
For those of us in the lifestyle, this is a direct link to why so many have problems with jealousy in a collar. It is not our place as submissives to question where the Dominant goes or who They speak to. That is Their decision. But because of training like this, more and more younger submissives are having worse jealousy issues. They are worried about being replaced. They are constantly in competition even online. And being a submissive is not about US. Its not about being the prettiest, not about having the right dress, or even how well waxed our brows are. It is about our devotion to our Dominant. It is about serving the Dominant. When we come into a collar feeling competitive with other submissives or people for the Dominants attention, we have already lost our true focus and thus lost our submission.
The worst thing these poor kids are going to grow up with is very low self esteem each time they lose a competition. This eventually will lead to the belief that even if the relationship is bad or abusive they have to live with it. After all, they arnt worth anything else.
I beg any parent that reads this not to do this to your child. Let your baby be a baby, not a mini adult with grown up emotional issues. Teach your daughters that being "the best" means being the best PERSON they can be. Show them the values of sharing, giving, loving. Let them know every day that they are special just for being them. That they are not replaceable because of their hair. Give them a sense of self worth and confidence so that when they go into a relationship later (ANY relationship) they make good choices. And if they happen to make a mistake, they have the confidence to let go of it and try again. Let them base their life on core values like honor and respect. Not jealousy and self loathing. Instead of competing with the girl next door, let her go out and play. Let her make a friend she may know the rest of her life because she had a chance to know the other girl. She was able to see this other child as just another child...a person. Not her replacement.
My final Sub-Stance: Its not OK to dress a baby up like a porn star and stick them in a competition with other babies. Its not OK to live vicariously through your three year old to win beauty pageants. Let them be themselves. Be kids. Let them grow up being confidant in who they are. And if that little girl grows to a teen who WANTS to join a beauty pageant, then support her personal choice. Just as long as she is always aware she does not have to win at being Miss America to be accepted as a person. And the friendships she makes can last a lifetime if they are based on truly caring for the other person, not their dress.
It seems toddler beauty pageants have stooped to an all time low. Not only was the three year old being interviewed dressed in ACTUAL daisy dukes and cut off belly shirt, but she was forced to endure BROW WAXING. Even I don't do that! A three year old?? Seriously??!! To top it off, she was learning dances for the competition that included hip thrusts and dubious poses that verged on child pornography in my mind.
And it doesn't take a genius to know what the message to this child is. You have to be waxed and half naked to be beautiful. Then stick her in a competition that pits her looks against other three year old. What do you think this baby is going to grow up believing? That the look counts. And you have to be the prettiest and sexiest to be a winner. Inner beauty or intelligence does not count. They were even spraying this child with skin tanner.
As adult women we are already inundated with this message. Magazines, commercials, infomercials...you name it. We are told daily we need to have the best hair, the best smile, the best skin and BE the best. Why? So we can get the most attention. Back to the vanilla basic: If you are not the best at all of this, you are replaceable and will lose the competition. In vanilla pudding world everything is about competition. Especially in relationships. Hence the emphasis on sex appeal. And since vanilla land only allows one partner/spouse we are constantly in competition with anyone who gets too close. Jealousy is trained into us. But lately it has reached epoch proportions.
At three years old i was out in the yard playing with my brother. At three years old, the only makeup i wore was at Halloween. Now they smear lipstick and eyeshadow on and spend hours rehearsing naughty poses. They pick out risque outfits and sashay down runways. One other girl in the article was actually being taught by her mother to pray to God for the right outfit. Nice message. If i lose the competition its Gods fault. And how do you think these three year olds are going to feel when they lose the competition? Yup, just like the rest of us. Losers. Not pretty enough or good enough. I am sorry but i think three is a little young to be forced into having a body complex. Definitely too young to start believing they can be replaced if they don't look sexy enough.
And then we wonder why so many teens and young adults these days are suffering eating disorders and bouts of severe depression. Suddenly teen suicide makes a whole lot of sense. After all, we already taught them they were not worth anything if they were not pretty enough to be prom queen. I am old enough to understand when i see a hair dye commercial that they are selling me an idea. And i don't have to buy into it. But when we talk about kids, they take all they learn in the earliest days from mom and dad. By the time they hit ten they will fully believe they can never stop being in competition with everyone else to be the prettiest. They will always fear being replaced and losing.
For those of us in the lifestyle, this is a direct link to why so many have problems with jealousy in a collar. It is not our place as submissives to question where the Dominant goes or who They speak to. That is Their decision. But because of training like this, more and more younger submissives are having worse jealousy issues. They are worried about being replaced. They are constantly in competition even online. And being a submissive is not about US. Its not about being the prettiest, not about having the right dress, or even how well waxed our brows are. It is about our devotion to our Dominant. It is about serving the Dominant. When we come into a collar feeling competitive with other submissives or people for the Dominants attention, we have already lost our true focus and thus lost our submission.
The worst thing these poor kids are going to grow up with is very low self esteem each time they lose a competition. This eventually will lead to the belief that even if the relationship is bad or abusive they have to live with it. After all, they arnt worth anything else.
I beg any parent that reads this not to do this to your child. Let your baby be a baby, not a mini adult with grown up emotional issues. Teach your daughters that being "the best" means being the best PERSON they can be. Show them the values of sharing, giving, loving. Let them know every day that they are special just for being them. That they are not replaceable because of their hair. Give them a sense of self worth and confidence so that when they go into a relationship later (ANY relationship) they make good choices. And if they happen to make a mistake, they have the confidence to let go of it and try again. Let them base their life on core values like honor and respect. Not jealousy and self loathing. Instead of competing with the girl next door, let her go out and play. Let her make a friend she may know the rest of her life because she had a chance to know the other girl. She was able to see this other child as just another child...a person. Not her replacement.
My final Sub-Stance: Its not OK to dress a baby up like a porn star and stick them in a competition with other babies. Its not OK to live vicariously through your three year old to win beauty pageants. Let them be themselves. Be kids. Let them grow up being confidant in who they are. And if that little girl grows to a teen who WANTS to join a beauty pageant, then support her personal choice. Just as long as she is always aware she does not have to win at being Miss America to be accepted as a person. And the friendships she makes can last a lifetime if they are based on truly caring for the other person, not their dress.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Lil Miss Sunshine and The Art of Happiness
Ever sit on a bus next to a happy couple that are smooching and playing footsie and think "Oh god get a ROOM! I'm gonna lose my lunch!" ? Or what about that girl on the street? You know, the one with the spring in her step. She has her head held up, a smile on her face, and meets your eye with a cheery "Good Morning!" And you want to yell "Its 8 am! Drop dead Lil Miss Sunshine!"...Of course. We all have felt these things at one time or another.
So what is it about these two different circumstances that drive other people nuts? The one thing they both have in common; the people are happy. They are happy in love or just plain happy. And to someone who is NOT happy, this is irritating. Lets face it. Its true. Misery loves company. When our world is miserable we tend to get sudden bursts of jealousy. How many times have you seen someone and wished you were them or wished you had something they did? At the very least we want them to trip on pavement or something so they feel a little pain. After all, it isn't fair that they get to be so happy and we get all the grief! But you should be relieved to know that you are a perfectly normal human being for having these feelings. When times are tough its perfectly natural to feel a twinge when someone else gets to walk on easy street. For a lot of folks, this emotion is short lived however. After a good belt of coffee and a pat on the back from the boss, we regain our own stride too. And Lil Miss Sunshine doesn't seem so bad after all.
What gets to be a problem, however, are the folks who never get that stride back. They live under a dark cloud constantly. These are the folks who will always find something negative to say no matter what. They see the happy couple on the bus and will actually say out loud "its all great till he cheats. Worthless men!" or "Yea she snuggles up so she can get hold of your wallet buddy!" They can find negativity in a picture of a cute puppy. "Cute till it sheds on the sofa and pees on the rug!" So dark is the cloud over these peoples lives that they refuse to see a ray of sunshine in anything and often make it a point to share the rain. They go out of their way to cut down anyone who shows any sign of joy.
On line, these are the people that will show up to a site and complain about anything they see. If there is a discussion going on, they will find something about the topic to complain about. If the conversation is positive they will find something negative to say about the person running the site or discussion. Even this blog is open to the attacks of the terminally miserable.
Nothing i have said to this very point in any way attacks or forces opinion on anyone. But i can almost guarantee there will be someone who will read it and find something to complain about. For that person; i am not saying ever that if you have an opinion you are not entitled to it. I am not ever going to say that if you feel unhappy, you are not entitled to feel that way either. What i am saying is that those who are happy...are entitled to be happy too, even if it makes you jealous.
And please do not confuse negative remarks with "trying to protect some innocent person". If the couple on the bus are strangers, you are not "offering good advice". You are being intrusive and down right nasty judging people you don't even know.
I can hear the howling now. "Arnt YOU being judgemental in writing this??"...Well..no. I have not pointed a finger or said a single name. I have judged no one. I have opened a discussion about negative behavior. And if that sends someone into a tailspin, then perhaps that person needs to take a long look in the mirror. Of course, having said that, i also know these words are not going to mean a thing to that person. Nothing i or anyone else says is ever going to make a difference to the miserable until they want it to.
Here is where the "art" part of this blog comes in. America's great forefathers wrote a document that formed a nation. In that document they wrote "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness". You see, life and liberty are already rights we are born with (until someone does something to lose that right of course). But happiness is another animal entirely. Our forefathers already knew THAT animal has to be hunted down and taken on ones own.
Things were different in that time too. There was no such thing as "instant gratification". If you wanted light you spent hours making candles. If you wanted bread and roasted veggies, you baked the bread by hand and grew the damn veggies then cut them THEN roasted them (about four months in the making from start to finish). Now-a-days we flick a switch and there is light. We pop a box in the nuker and have dinner in two minutes. Heck, go online or make a call and have it cooked, wrapped and delivered! Unfortunately we have come to just believe that instant gratification applies to all of life. We expect someone or something else doing the work and handing us what we want.
And that has carried into our emotional behaviors as well. How often have you heard the term "find someone to make me happy"? Really? Is it someone else's responsibility to "make you happy"? Is it even possible for someone else to "make" you feel anything?
The fact is, you could have your dream date walk off the movie screen with a billion dollars in their pocket and whisk you away. But if you are miserable and have not faced WHY you are miserable, well a year later you will STILL be miserable. No one can make an unhappy person happy. Only the person who is unhappy can decide to change that.
Your dream date may bring MORE happiness, but not can not "fix" you emotionally. You still have to figure out what is causing the pain and CHOOSE to deal with it. If a person is lonely and chooses not to take a chance on a date because they were hurt in the past, they will stay lonely. If they are unhappy in a marriage but refuse to get couples counselling or even a divorce...yup..they stay miserable.
It is interesting to note, too, that these are the same people who come up with every excuse imaginable to NOT do something to improve their life. They don't want to do the work. They want someone else to solve their problem for them.
The broke and jobless person who sits at home and plays the "lottery retirement plan" is waiting for money they have not earned to be handed to them rather than get a job. And before someone complains...yes i know there are those who may have physical or mental limitation. This is (i believe obviously) about the people who CAN but choose not to.
So what about the pain and grief we may face and CANT change? Losing a loved one is something we have no power to control. And believe me, i know how dark that hole is. It is deep, vast, and seems endless. But it is actually only as deep and endless as you want it to be. Yes in some cases a person may need professional help to work their way out. But if they choose not to seek that help, then have made the choice to stay in the hole.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it will be easy (which is why some prefer to stay in the hole) or that once you have risen above the problem or pain that it will go away. I still cry sometimes for people i lost years ago. That pain will never just "go away". Ever. But i made the conscious decision that i would not give away my life to it. I would learn to let myself feel joy too. The ones i lost...would be heartbroken if i let their deaths end the joy in my life.
How did i learn to do this? By not being angry at Lil Miss Sunshine. It took a lot of work at first. It felt fake at first too. But i would meet her eye and smile and wish her a good morning too. I would try to find something about her that i liked. Her smile was bright or her hair was pretty...anything to STOP feeling that jealous anger for her being happy. I also had to look at the people i lost and realize..that if ALL i thought about was that i lost them, then their entire lives and all the love they gave me were wasted. I was not giving them any credit or thanks for the happy times. Instead i was wallowing in my self pity because i could not touch them or see them. I learned its OK to miss them and cry from time to time. But not OK to be mad at the world, fate, God, or little green men from mars. That was never going to help me or anyone in my life that still needed me to be me.
And how does this all tie into D/s?? Too often i see the jaded and angry put down people around them for being happy. Too often i hear backhanded comments about Master, sis and myself. Yes W/we really ARE that happy. And yes, W/we all deserve that joy too. Too many people either tell U/us outright they are jealous or spend hours trying to ruin the things W/we work for.
Its not just U/us either. These terminally miserable people will light into anyone who dares to smile or share a happy moment. If they spent even a tenth of the time wasted on their anger, into facing their problems and making the effort to find their own happiness...But of course that would mean actually having to try.
I'm sorry if Suzie the Miserable Subbie or Don the Miserable Dom had a bad relationship, marriage, childhood, job, life etc. I really am. But i cant change that or fix it. Only YOU can make that decision.
A Dominant cant solve your problems. They can offer advice and even give you the direction. YOU still have to do the work. No submissive can "make" a Dominant happy by kneeling. Eventually the things they cant fix are going to rise up again. And no Dom or sub you meet is going to change that either. No relationship will work if you are not willing to do the work, face fears, and LET yourself be happy.
My final Sub-Stance: You are the captain of your own ship. If you want to set sail to that oasis of happiness and joy then you have to hoist the sails and set the course. If the sails need mending then you have to do the work to mend them. Spitting into the wind because you have no sail is only going to get you dirty. Happy Sailing!!
So what is it about these two different circumstances that drive other people nuts? The one thing they both have in common; the people are happy. They are happy in love or just plain happy. And to someone who is NOT happy, this is irritating. Lets face it. Its true. Misery loves company. When our world is miserable we tend to get sudden bursts of jealousy. How many times have you seen someone and wished you were them or wished you had something they did? At the very least we want them to trip on pavement or something so they feel a little pain. After all, it isn't fair that they get to be so happy and we get all the grief! But you should be relieved to know that you are a perfectly normal human being for having these feelings. When times are tough its perfectly natural to feel a twinge when someone else gets to walk on easy street. For a lot of folks, this emotion is short lived however. After a good belt of coffee and a pat on the back from the boss, we regain our own stride too. And Lil Miss Sunshine doesn't seem so bad after all.
What gets to be a problem, however, are the folks who never get that stride back. They live under a dark cloud constantly. These are the folks who will always find something negative to say no matter what. They see the happy couple on the bus and will actually say out loud "its all great till he cheats. Worthless men!" or "Yea she snuggles up so she can get hold of your wallet buddy!" They can find negativity in a picture of a cute puppy. "Cute till it sheds on the sofa and pees on the rug!" So dark is the cloud over these peoples lives that they refuse to see a ray of sunshine in anything and often make it a point to share the rain. They go out of their way to cut down anyone who shows any sign of joy.
On line, these are the people that will show up to a site and complain about anything they see. If there is a discussion going on, they will find something about the topic to complain about. If the conversation is positive they will find something negative to say about the person running the site or discussion. Even this blog is open to the attacks of the terminally miserable.
Nothing i have said to this very point in any way attacks or forces opinion on anyone. But i can almost guarantee there will be someone who will read it and find something to complain about. For that person; i am not saying ever that if you have an opinion you are not entitled to it. I am not ever going to say that if you feel unhappy, you are not entitled to feel that way either. What i am saying is that those who are happy...are entitled to be happy too, even if it makes you jealous.
And please do not confuse negative remarks with "trying to protect some innocent person". If the couple on the bus are strangers, you are not "offering good advice". You are being intrusive and down right nasty judging people you don't even know.
I can hear the howling now. "Arnt YOU being judgemental in writing this??"...Well..no. I have not pointed a finger or said a single name. I have judged no one. I have opened a discussion about negative behavior. And if that sends someone into a tailspin, then perhaps that person needs to take a long look in the mirror. Of course, having said that, i also know these words are not going to mean a thing to that person. Nothing i or anyone else says is ever going to make a difference to the miserable until they want it to.
Here is where the "art" part of this blog comes in. America's great forefathers wrote a document that formed a nation. In that document they wrote "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness". You see, life and liberty are already rights we are born with (until someone does something to lose that right of course). But happiness is another animal entirely. Our forefathers already knew THAT animal has to be hunted down and taken on ones own.
Things were different in that time too. There was no such thing as "instant gratification". If you wanted light you spent hours making candles. If you wanted bread and roasted veggies, you baked the bread by hand and grew the damn veggies then cut them THEN roasted them (about four months in the making from start to finish). Now-a-days we flick a switch and there is light. We pop a box in the nuker and have dinner in two minutes. Heck, go online or make a call and have it cooked, wrapped and delivered! Unfortunately we have come to just believe that instant gratification applies to all of life. We expect someone or something else doing the work and handing us what we want.
And that has carried into our emotional behaviors as well. How often have you heard the term "find someone to make me happy"? Really? Is it someone else's responsibility to "make you happy"? Is it even possible for someone else to "make" you feel anything?
The fact is, you could have your dream date walk off the movie screen with a billion dollars in their pocket and whisk you away. But if you are miserable and have not faced WHY you are miserable, well a year later you will STILL be miserable. No one can make an unhappy person happy. Only the person who is unhappy can decide to change that.
Your dream date may bring MORE happiness, but not can not "fix" you emotionally. You still have to figure out what is causing the pain and CHOOSE to deal with it. If a person is lonely and chooses not to take a chance on a date because they were hurt in the past, they will stay lonely. If they are unhappy in a marriage but refuse to get couples counselling or even a divorce...yup..they stay miserable.
It is interesting to note, too, that these are the same people who come up with every excuse imaginable to NOT do something to improve their life. They don't want to do the work. They want someone else to solve their problem for them.
The broke and jobless person who sits at home and plays the "lottery retirement plan" is waiting for money they have not earned to be handed to them rather than get a job. And before someone complains...yes i know there are those who may have physical or mental limitation. This is (i believe obviously) about the people who CAN but choose not to.
So what about the pain and grief we may face and CANT change? Losing a loved one is something we have no power to control. And believe me, i know how dark that hole is. It is deep, vast, and seems endless. But it is actually only as deep and endless as you want it to be. Yes in some cases a person may need professional help to work their way out. But if they choose not to seek that help, then have made the choice to stay in the hole.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it will be easy (which is why some prefer to stay in the hole) or that once you have risen above the problem or pain that it will go away. I still cry sometimes for people i lost years ago. That pain will never just "go away". Ever. But i made the conscious decision that i would not give away my life to it. I would learn to let myself feel joy too. The ones i lost...would be heartbroken if i let their deaths end the joy in my life.
How did i learn to do this? By not being angry at Lil Miss Sunshine. It took a lot of work at first. It felt fake at first too. But i would meet her eye and smile and wish her a good morning too. I would try to find something about her that i liked. Her smile was bright or her hair was pretty...anything to STOP feeling that jealous anger for her being happy. I also had to look at the people i lost and realize..that if ALL i thought about was that i lost them, then their entire lives and all the love they gave me were wasted. I was not giving them any credit or thanks for the happy times. Instead i was wallowing in my self pity because i could not touch them or see them. I learned its OK to miss them and cry from time to time. But not OK to be mad at the world, fate, God, or little green men from mars. That was never going to help me or anyone in my life that still needed me to be me.
And how does this all tie into D/s?? Too often i see the jaded and angry put down people around them for being happy. Too often i hear backhanded comments about Master, sis and myself. Yes W/we really ARE that happy. And yes, W/we all deserve that joy too. Too many people either tell U/us outright they are jealous or spend hours trying to ruin the things W/we work for.
Its not just U/us either. These terminally miserable people will light into anyone who dares to smile or share a happy moment. If they spent even a tenth of the time wasted on their anger, into facing their problems and making the effort to find their own happiness...But of course that would mean actually having to try.
I'm sorry if Suzie the Miserable Subbie or Don the Miserable Dom had a bad relationship, marriage, childhood, job, life etc. I really am. But i cant change that or fix it. Only YOU can make that decision.
A Dominant cant solve your problems. They can offer advice and even give you the direction. YOU still have to do the work. No submissive can "make" a Dominant happy by kneeling. Eventually the things they cant fix are going to rise up again. And no Dom or sub you meet is going to change that either. No relationship will work if you are not willing to do the work, face fears, and LET yourself be happy.
My final Sub-Stance: You are the captain of your own ship. If you want to set sail to that oasis of happiness and joy then you have to hoist the sails and set the course. If the sails need mending then you have to do the work to mend them. Spitting into the wind because you have no sail is only going to get you dirty. Happy Sailing!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
ROFL..And Other Important Submissive Tasks
Whether it is being involved in a tickle fight in RL or a raspberry challenge :P online, being able to laugh and have fun with a Dominant is not just important, it is vital to the survival of the relationship. Believe it or not these games of tease and laughter are an important way for U/us to communicate as well as relax from intense times.
So much time in D/s is serous. From making sure we as submissives are following rules, to making sure we are representing our Dominant respectfully in public, we are constantly trying to behave. But we are human too. We have a need to laugh and play. The person we would love most to do this with (of course) is our Dominant. Why? Because when we can laugh and play, we are truly ourselves. We have a chance to show a side of silliness and complete ME-ness that can not always find a way out when we are being well behaved. More importantly, when the Dominant can let THEIR hair down, have fun and be silly..we get the honor of seeing the human side of Them. And the sharing of laughter helps to strengthen the bond between people.
And yet i still see some "Dominants" who come dangerously close to criticizing Master for those moments when sis and i are being "bratty". In fact, at the Castle, W/we have had to change the name of O/our discussion group,"Brat Pack", because sis was constantly having to defend it. Why? Why is it so bad for submissives to be truly happy and show it? The complaint seemed to be that it had "negative connotation and promoted bad behavior". The name of a group does not promote bad behavior. A submissive with no manners does. And if being happy and free as a submissive is a "negative" thing, i would never have become a submissive in the first place.
For one thing, it is not any ones place to criticize how a Dominant interacts with Their submissive unless it is outright and obviously abusive. Certainly speak up if a submissive is reduced to tears in the open. That submissive is not only not happy, but definitely not getting the true reward and joy of the lifestyle. They are being abused. But if a Dominant and submissive are having a fun exchange it is no ones place to criticize. T/they are celebrating T/their relationship. If this causes someone to be jealous then perhaps they need to work on their own relationships.
Secondly, any submissive who holds their Dominant in high regard and care would not be outright inappropriate. Master allows sis and i to have a degree of brattiness. In fact encourages it. Only when we are happy, relaxed and laughing is He certain all is well. He often tells His classes "when a submissive is quiet and subdued THAT is when I worry". But even when being "bratty" sis and i know where the lines are. W/we do not disrespect Him nor break His rules. And not one person who has met O/our family can say that sis and i have anything but love and adoration for Master. This is not by accident. W/we didn't just say one day "hey cool lets be a happy family". It had to be worked on step by step. Part of those steps was in laughter and play. Not sex play, just plain 'ol goofing around. Ever have someone make you laugh so hard that soda comes out your nose? THAT kind of fun. The three of U/us have found that when together W/we very easily share these moments and its these moments that have cemented U/us as family.
They also cement the bond in times of trouble too. Because W/we are so comfortable and able to just laugh together in good times, that bond holds up when there is trouble. There is something in sharing that happiness that brings the bond to E/eachother even closer. So when sis is having a bad day, i feel it. I know it when she speaks and it bothers me. I got to really love her infectious laugh so when its not there, i want to be there for her till the problem is solved and i have her laugh back. And of course the same goes for our bond with Master. W/we are both very keenly aware when Master is stressed and having a bad day. We may not say anything (after all it is Master's decision if He chooses to share what troubles Him), but we do notice and try very hard to find a way to get Him laughing. It calms Him and eases stress. And as every sub knows, a happy Dominant makes a happy sub!
Sharing jokes and teasing etc, also has another affect. It gives everyone a chance to let go and show sides of themselves they might otherwise not. When W/we allow ourselves to put aside "proper behvior" and be US as people, we tend to let down those protective bariers. When W/we laugh and joke together, and that side of us is accepted by eachother, we lose the need to feel so self protective/defensive. A submissive can show happiness and a Dominant can also show a relaxed sense of humor.
When prim and proper sis told a dirty joke, she showed a side of herself she never had. When Master laughed at it and shared one of His own, her need to be guarded in behavior was let go. She took the next step in truly being HERSELF because she realized she was just as loved and accepted (even more so) by Master. Now that she knows ALL of her is accepted, she behaves properly but without the effort of being worried all the time. Respect and love of Master because she knows SHE is loved and respected as a whole person makes being well behaved natural, not forced.
Keep in mind this does not mean she runs around now telling dirty jokes and being vulgar. That is not part of who she is. But she let go of the fear that if she let her humor show, she would be rejected or told she was not being proper. She learned Master had a sense of humor and did not require 100 percent perfection 100 percent of the time. And when it comes to my relationship with Master, part of why i fell so for Him was His sense of humor and ability to make me laugh. His own smile and laugh are now more precious to me then all the gold in the world. So when i see sis get that laugh going in Him, i cant express how happy that makes me.
The same goes for her relationship with me. Once she realized we could get each other to crack up, it became an important part of us as sisters. Now i cant go a day without my "sissy fix" even if it is during hard times. Just hearing her voice has an automatic affect on me and makes me smile. By sharing these sides of ourselves, we broke down the protective barrier between us and truly became sisters. We can just as easily share our fears and frustrations, troubles and secrets as we can a good hard guffaw.
My final Sub-Stance; the saying "the family that plays together, stays together" is not just cute mumbo jumbo. It is an absolute fact. It exceeds the boundaries of social and D/s and allows us to be what we are inside. Human. Once we have found comfort in being ourselves with each other, the ability to form natural family connection, as well as a much deeper connection to our Dominant is so much easier. So go ahead! Laugh it up! Enjoy the good times because they will carry you through the bad ones. And if anyone asks me why i like being a brat; because Master loves His brats!
So much time in D/s is serous. From making sure we as submissives are following rules, to making sure we are representing our Dominant respectfully in public, we are constantly trying to behave. But we are human too. We have a need to laugh and play. The person we would love most to do this with (of course) is our Dominant. Why? Because when we can laugh and play, we are truly ourselves. We have a chance to show a side of silliness and complete ME-ness that can not always find a way out when we are being well behaved. More importantly, when the Dominant can let THEIR hair down, have fun and be silly..we get the honor of seeing the human side of Them. And the sharing of laughter helps to strengthen the bond between people.
And yet i still see some "Dominants" who come dangerously close to criticizing Master for those moments when sis and i are being "bratty". In fact, at the Castle, W/we have had to change the name of O/our discussion group,"Brat Pack", because sis was constantly having to defend it. Why? Why is it so bad for submissives to be truly happy and show it? The complaint seemed to be that it had "negative connotation and promoted bad behavior". The name of a group does not promote bad behavior. A submissive with no manners does. And if being happy and free as a submissive is a "negative" thing, i would never have become a submissive in the first place.
For one thing, it is not any ones place to criticize how a Dominant interacts with Their submissive unless it is outright and obviously abusive. Certainly speak up if a submissive is reduced to tears in the open. That submissive is not only not happy, but definitely not getting the true reward and joy of the lifestyle. They are being abused. But if a Dominant and submissive are having a fun exchange it is no ones place to criticize. T/they are celebrating T/their relationship. If this causes someone to be jealous then perhaps they need to work on their own relationships.
Secondly, any submissive who holds their Dominant in high regard and care would not be outright inappropriate. Master allows sis and i to have a degree of brattiness. In fact encourages it. Only when we are happy, relaxed and laughing is He certain all is well. He often tells His classes "when a submissive is quiet and subdued THAT is when I worry". But even when being "bratty" sis and i know where the lines are. W/we do not disrespect Him nor break His rules. And not one person who has met O/our family can say that sis and i have anything but love and adoration for Master. This is not by accident. W/we didn't just say one day "hey cool lets be a happy family". It had to be worked on step by step. Part of those steps was in laughter and play. Not sex play, just plain 'ol goofing around. Ever have someone make you laugh so hard that soda comes out your nose? THAT kind of fun. The three of U/us have found that when together W/we very easily share these moments and its these moments that have cemented U/us as family.
They also cement the bond in times of trouble too. Because W/we are so comfortable and able to just laugh together in good times, that bond holds up when there is trouble. There is something in sharing that happiness that brings the bond to E/eachother even closer. So when sis is having a bad day, i feel it. I know it when she speaks and it bothers me. I got to really love her infectious laugh so when its not there, i want to be there for her till the problem is solved and i have her laugh back. And of course the same goes for our bond with Master. W/we are both very keenly aware when Master is stressed and having a bad day. We may not say anything (after all it is Master's decision if He chooses to share what troubles Him), but we do notice and try very hard to find a way to get Him laughing. It calms Him and eases stress. And as every sub knows, a happy Dominant makes a happy sub!
Sharing jokes and teasing etc, also has another affect. It gives everyone a chance to let go and show sides of themselves they might otherwise not. When W/we allow ourselves to put aside "proper behvior" and be US as people, we tend to let down those protective bariers. When W/we laugh and joke together, and that side of us is accepted by eachother, we lose the need to feel so self protective/defensive. A submissive can show happiness and a Dominant can also show a relaxed sense of humor.
When prim and proper sis told a dirty joke, she showed a side of herself she never had. When Master laughed at it and shared one of His own, her need to be guarded in behavior was let go. She took the next step in truly being HERSELF because she realized she was just as loved and accepted (even more so) by Master. Now that she knows ALL of her is accepted, she behaves properly but without the effort of being worried all the time. Respect and love of Master because she knows SHE is loved and respected as a whole person makes being well behaved natural, not forced.
Keep in mind this does not mean she runs around now telling dirty jokes and being vulgar. That is not part of who she is. But she let go of the fear that if she let her humor show, she would be rejected or told she was not being proper. She learned Master had a sense of humor and did not require 100 percent perfection 100 percent of the time. And when it comes to my relationship with Master, part of why i fell so for Him was His sense of humor and ability to make me laugh. His own smile and laugh are now more precious to me then all the gold in the world. So when i see sis get that laugh going in Him, i cant express how happy that makes me.
The same goes for her relationship with me. Once she realized we could get each other to crack up, it became an important part of us as sisters. Now i cant go a day without my "sissy fix" even if it is during hard times. Just hearing her voice has an automatic affect on me and makes me smile. By sharing these sides of ourselves, we broke down the protective barrier between us and truly became sisters. We can just as easily share our fears and frustrations, troubles and secrets as we can a good hard guffaw.
My final Sub-Stance; the saying "the family that plays together, stays together" is not just cute mumbo jumbo. It is an absolute fact. It exceeds the boundaries of social and D/s and allows us to be what we are inside. Human. Once we have found comfort in being ourselves with each other, the ability to form natural family connection, as well as a much deeper connection to our Dominant is so much easier. So go ahead! Laugh it up! Enjoy the good times because they will carry you through the bad ones. And if anyone asks me why i like being a brat; because Master loves His brats!
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