INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 2 - "Communication strategies - Transactional Analysis applied in D/s context"

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" (IE) that I am referring to in this series of articles is described on the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk. I find the ideas presented in the essays on this website very thought provoking and inspiring, and as a submissive D/s lifestyler I can relate to a lot mentioned there.

The concept "Internal Enslavement" (=IE) deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationships. According to Tanos who is running the Internal Enslavement Website the answer is yes. He has done scientific research in this field and gathered a lot of experience from his own life as a Master living together with his slaves in a poly household for several years. It is assumed that radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards step by step. The supporters of the concept of IE also believe that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership" (http://www.enslavement.org.uk).

With this article, I would like to present one of the various psychological theories and methods that can help with enslaving a submissive and growing the M/s bond. It is a well-known communication theory, called "Transactional Analysis". As we all know, communication is a big part of the actions and dynamics between a Dominant and a submissive. Success and failure of a relationship are often correlated with how well the partners can communicate with each other and understand each other. Being open with each other and being willing to share is essential to the success of any human relationship, and in D/s relationships even more so.

One famous book presenting the communication theory of Transactional Analysis (=TA) has this title "I'm OK - You're OK". It was written by Thomas Harris and was published in 1967. The book title desribes the goal of successful communication: Both partners participating in a transactional process / communication, should feel okay in the end and also see that the other is okay. This is called the "healthy position". Why is it called position? When I start to communicate with someone, it should be my standpoint, focus and goal - and in this sense position - that i want him/her and (!) myself to be okay in the course and outcome of the transactional process. The "healthy position" describes a mindset.

It is not healthy when my partner is okay but i am not okay or the other way round. And of course, when none of the communication partners feels okay, it is the worst form of a communcation that is a failure - it is called the "hopeless position". We could also call it the "dead end" of a transactional process and it is very hard to find a way out there during the same conversation.

Before i get in more details about TA, here is some background of this psychological concept. In the early 20th century, Freuds psychoanalytical theories became very popular. Freud believed that personality had three components, all of which must work together to produce our complex behaviors. These three components or aspects were the Id, Ego, and the Superego. One of Freud's greatest contributions to psychological research was that the human personality is multi-faceted. Regardless of the classification or name given to a particular area of personality (id, superego, etc.), each individual possesses factions that frequently collide with each other. And it is these collisions and interactions between these personality factions that manifest themselves as an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Now Eric Berne, the founder of the Transactional Analysis, believed that Freud's proposed structures are "concepts... [and not]
phenomenological realities" (Berne, Eric. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press, Inc., New York, 1961.) So Berne dealt with the phenomenological realities. And these are the actions of individuals. How they conduct themselves in the social environment.So Berne's therapist approach was not to ask the client a lot of exploring questions such as a freudian psychoanalytical therapist would do. He rather watched the client's actions when he/she acted in a social group. Tracked and analyzed how their transactions were. How they communicated ... what position they took in the transactional processes.

I think you already see what meaning Berne's approach carries for D/s relationships and enslavement. By watching a submissive's actions when interacting with other people, analyzing how his/her transactions are, how he/she communicates ... can help a lot with getting to know the inside of the submissive better and to get knowledge about how to best communicate with the sub in order to reach him/her in his/her depths and further enhance enslavement.

Transactional Analysis is based on the fundamental theory of how our brain records and memorizes events: The human brain acts in many ways like a camcorder, vividly recording events. While that event may not necessarily be able to be consciously retrieved by the owner, the event always exists in the brain. Both the event and the feelings experienced during that event are stored in the brain. The event and the feelings are locked together, and neither one can be recalled without the other. When an individual replays his or her experiences, he or she can replay them in such a vivid form that the individual experiences again the same emotions he or she felt during the actual experience. I think we have all had plenty of communication situations when a feeling stored in our brains from a past experience, for example, came back into our mind very vividly and influenced our communication. This is not only relevant for aspects of safety in D/s (traumas suddenly surfacing etc.), but also for effective communication of Dominant and submissive trying to grow internal enslavement.

Depending on our past and current experiences and feelings and precognitions of our future, our ego can assume different states. TA speaks of the PARENT, ADULT and CHILD ego state, and these ego states surface in the transactional actions of an indidivual during communication. Someone who maybe had very overpowering and strict parents during childhood might tend to still go into the child's rebellion when somebody talks to him/her in parent mode such as "you should do this and this" ... "why didn't you ...". This is just one example. These ego states and their mutual influence on one another during transactional processes (communication) can be analyzed, and this is what TA is about. Goal of TA is to help individuals reflect themselves better when they communicating or preparing a conversation and to help them achieve the healthy position in communication more often. It should be clear that in order enslave a submissive successfully, the healthy position in communication of Dominant and submissive is ultimatelty important and should be strived for.

To become more concrete ... let's think of a Dom and a sub talking to each other. What could be a typical sentence coming out of a "PARENT ego state" of the Dominant, influenced by behaviors, thoughts and feelings copied/learned from his/her parents or parents figures? Examples such as "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you", "I've trained you better than that", "You don't want to disappoint me, do You?" come to mind. Now, which reaction could follow on the sub's side? It often happens that "parent ego state" provoques a response coming out of "CHILD ego state", which is not surprising. We have all been primed by our past experiences, and the impact of our family socialization is a huge one. So it might happen that a submissive answers "All the other Doms let their subs do it", and we are reminded of the rebellion of a teenage child against the father or mother. Among adults, the relation "parental ego state talking to child ego state" normally leads to communication problems and/or miscommunications. This way, the healthy state "I am OK You are OK" seems to be out of reach. Now, how would an ADULT ego state react to "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you?". One example is: Ask back, ask for info to be able to reflect better. Try to get info to understand the Dom in the right way. Say something that presents ability to self reflect and not be carried away by childish emotions that may lead to reactions of rebellion or shame.

Let me give another example: The Dominant gives an order (parental), and the sub says "But ..... is too difficult for me. I can't do this myself. I need your help." (child). Response coming out parent ego state would be: "Awww of course ... let me help you ..." and then pamper pamper pamper and/or rule rule rule may follow. An adult ego might try to strengthen the powers of the "child-like" communication partner, trying to open ressources to him/her and help him/her to have trust that he/she will find the right way and offer cooperative (!) support in it ... but not do things instead of the "helpless child". Empower the submissive ... and not act out power instead of the submissive and let him/her lazily lean back in childish helplessness which is the opposite of helping a sub grow which is a goal many Dominants and subs have. So to speak, an adult ego might try to empower the "child ego" he/she is interacting with get into "adult ego state" as well.

In general, a recipe for working towards healthy communication is this: When you hear a "parent ego" talk to you, try to respond in the "adult state" (and not in child ego state), and when you have a "child ego" talk to you don't try to respond as "parent ego" but as "adult ego" as well.

Question is: Do we need to apply this wisdom of TA to communication between a Dominant and a submissive and give them this recipe?

We know that some Dominants want their subs responsible and understanding like adults, while other Dominants (for example Daddy Doms) often prefer a more paternal role, and might find child like responses appealing on some situations as they can reinforce the atmosphere and roles.We also know that in D/s relationships quite many submissives tend to live their "inner child" and enjoy doing so. Different relationships actually thrive on the different transactional roles. It belongs to the great freedoms of D/s lifestyle that we can chose, based on consent with the partner(s) involved. It is possible that achieving a "healthy position" is possible for a specific
Dom and a sub when they talk "parent to child and child to parent" during some time. I nevertheless doubt that it is possible for them to maintain a stabile bond of D/s and communicate effectively in a healthy way if they did this all the time, and never talked "adult to adult".

It becomes clear that communication requires a lot of self reflectivity and reflectivity of the other's condition and words if we want it to be "healthy communication" ("I am OK You are OK" ). Many submissives seem to seek something parental in the Dominant and tend to react from child position, living their "inner child" freely and enjoyably in their D/s relationship if the Dominant is a good match. The question at hand is: Wouldn't it be better if the Dom tried to communicate as adult and not as parent, in order to not get a "child response" but the reaction of an "adult"? it is clear that as grown-ups and adult people we do not need to copy our parents ... as adults we have our own individuality, minds and knowledge and experience of ourselves. But
we need to be aware that even without intention we might transact in the child position or parents position.

In D/s context specifically, we need to be aware that it might be a deep need of a sub to be accepted and communicate taking the "child position", as well as it might be a need of a Dominant to be "paternal". We also know that Daddy/daughter style of D/s relationships is not uncommon. We also need to be aware that the experience of "parent to child and child to parent" communication that feels like "I am OK You are OK" ("healthy position") within a D/s relationship can be quite therapeutic and it might help specific Dominants and or submissives to overcome problematic experiences dating out of their childhood.

On http://www.enslavement.org.uk/egostates a wise statement of a female slave can be read:
"Knowing how this all affected me, and knowing what I have learned about the ego states, I am convinced of how unhealthy it would be for anyone to be encouraged to use just one ego state. By encouraging the use of one ego state (Child) at the expense of the others (Adult and Parent) would be to deny us from using the very things which have kept most of us (particularly submissives) safe all our lives. We would become incapable of using all the healthy ways of coping, with life and with ourselves."

If relationship roles (such as "Daddy Dom - daugther sub") match the transactional roles and transactions are perceived as healthy ("I am OK You are OK"), then transactions reinforce the relationship roles. Hence it is very important to again and again analyze and reflect relationship and transaction roles and their alignment in order to achieve a stabile D/s bond and deepen enslavement.The goal in communication, thinking in the lines of TA, is to empower each other to the healthy "I am ok You are ok" position during and after communication. For some this might work best talking "parent to child and child to parent", for some "adult to adult".

Conclusion yet again: Know Your Dominant, know Your sub, know Yourself. Dare and care to use the knowledge for communication as well. Be interested in the partner's individuality and have fun exploring.


written by Mirjam Munro, September 2011

Last Act: I Am Finished and THATS FINAL! (i think)

The other day a friend was joking about an outfit her Dominant wanted her to wear. "Well i can always declare "last act" " she quipped. She was referring to a submissive/slaves ultimate decision to remove their collar. Now i know this person and know they were only joking and not the least bit serious. To a submissive/slave taking off the collar is like cutting off an arm with a dull butter knife. Which is to say it is truly the last thing they would want ever to do. Unfortunately all too often i have seen many who ARE serious about using "last act" to get their way.

Master teaches in His Dominance courses that while the Dominant has the final order and say of the household, the submissive/slave has the ultimate power of last act. This is why He cautions Dominants to make sure of Their decisions. Being honest, safe, and consider that sub/slave's feeling when making choices are very important. Taking these things for granted will ultimately lead to last act. But i would also have to add that Dominants should be careful of the person they collar too. Be certain this person values YOU and all You believe in, trusts You, and that  You have given time to truly understand E/each other. Otherwise You might end up with a sub/slave that could care less about Your decisions and blatantly try to top You.

Unfortunately i have seen it be a common response when i tell students "your Dominant owns you not the other way around. It is not your place to challenge the Dominant, but rather respectfully share your feelings about certain things. Then your duty to obey the final decision." Which inevitably leads to "but i can always take my collar off if i don't like the decision". Well, yes technically you can. But hold on to your leashes my siblings in service. Lets stop and think about the importance of this great power. It was never intended to give you control of the Dominant. It was intended as a safety net for those times when a Dominant makes a clearly unsafe and harsh decision or order. If a Dominant orders you rob a bank, THAT would be a good reason to take off your collar and run. But if you are being punished for being disrespectful and ordered to write an essay, for example, then taking off the collar is the last thing you should even consider. In this instance the only thing you should be doing is writing that essay and thinking about how your actions reflect on your Dominant.

The simple truth is that taking off your collar every time you disagree with your Dominant is not only topping Them, but it cheapens the collar to nothing. The whole purpose of the collar and the commitment are lost. There are going to be times when you disagree with your Dominant. Its normal. But when you took that collar you told your Dominant that you trusted Them to make the final decisions. Trusted them enough to kneel and obey. If you have no trust for a Dominant then you have no business being collared to Them. And if you think "last act" is intended to get your own way, then you don't belong in the lifestyle. Your collar is a symbol of honor and commitment to that Dominant. Last time i checked, honor and commitment were not things you do when you feel like it or when it is convenient.

But the biggest mistake i see being made by subs/slaves who use the power of "last act" this way is in thinking it is reversible. Folks the truth is a strong and confidant Dominant will consider "last act" just that; the LAST act.

I have seen subs and slaves who were shocked when their Dominant refused to take them back. They act as though they have been wronged. "Well it was such a silly thing really! I cant believe They wont give me back my collar!"..Of course not! If it is a petty and nonsense thing you took your collar off for then you deserve to be left where you are. That Dominant clearly sees that sub/slave for the manipulative person they are and since they so conveniently let them self out of the house, why bring them back?

A confidant, well educated Dominant will not put up with being bullied or manipulated. Once Their collar is thrown off in this manor, it will never be offered again. That promise and bond were broken. And a confidant Dominant would rather have no submissive or slave than be stuck with a manipulator. Eventually They will find someone to serve Them with honor.

NOW...at this point my words have been toward my fellow subs/slaves. But i would be lying if i said that Dominants have not also used the collar in this fashion too. I have seen subs/slave scared to sneeze wrong for fear of having their collar yanked. And i have seen Dominants very blatantly state that the minute a servant disagrees in the slightest about any decision made or even breaths a word of being uncomfortable that collar is off. This is not Domination. This is bullying too.

A Dominant should not have to use the threat of decollaring to get His/Her way. A submissive/slave is also a human. We have thoughts and feelings and those need to be considered when making decisions. Mistakes are also part of being human. No sub/slave should have to be afraid to breath wrong in order to serve. If i am afraid to put on a pair of shoes and have them be the "wrong" ones, i am not being dominated i am being terrorized.

Yet i have even heard "Dominants" make statements like "i am going to call her slut in public and if she don't like it there's the door"...Really? What are her limits? Is she OK with being humiliated just because it gives you a jolly? And what does this say about the value of a Dominants collar if they can be yanked for such things? Any idiot can CALL themselves "Dominant". That doesn't mean they are. And if a collar is so easy for a "Dominant" to pop off without the slightest feeling for it, then that collar is so cheap its not worth wearing. A dime a dozen in fact. For these "domwannabies" a thought; No self respecting sub/slave is going to have their gift manipulated like this. True servants are going to be absolutely crushed if you take away a collar. And don't even THINK of asking them back. You broke their trust in you and it will never return.

To my fellow siblings in service, if you are being threatened to have your collar taken over the most minuscule of perceived slights every day then maybe your Dominant is not Dominant. Just insecure and using the collar as a means to scare rather than show care of you. The collar should be the open symbol of the Dominant's care and honor They feel for you and your submission. It should not be used as a "do it or lose it" choke hold.

In the M/s lifestyle total power exchange is expected. But the Master will not collar a slave that is not ready to give TPE either. Therefore They would not use the collar as a punishment. It is the symbol of Their commitment to the slave. They would not cheapen the value of Their collar by using it daily as a ball gag.

The moment a "dominant" takes that collar off out of some petty notion that it will "teach you a lesson"...consider it last act. Do not answer calls, do not engage in conversation. Let them go. I have seen subs/slaves go through the agony of being decollared, the abandonment, and the devastation. Only to be contacted by that "dominant" a day later who expects them to jump back in the collar or jump back into command. If you allow them to do this to you, then it will happen over and over. You should never allow yourself to be collared only when it is convenient to the "Dominant". They may cry, whine, etc, but they made that final decision. Since they have the final word, let them live with it.

My final Sub-Stance; folks a collar is not something you can toss off and on like underwear. It is not meant to be used as a manipulation tool or "when ever i feel like it". A true collar is a commitment to a relationship. It is saying to E/each other "I care for you, I vow to honor you, and I will respect my commitment to you". If either party does not feel this care or commitment then leave the collar off. It wont be worth, as Momma used to say, "the powder and shot to blow it up". Leaving a collar or taking one away is not something to be done lightly. It is severing the cord between the Dominant and sub/slave. It is not a punishment, it is a finality.

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 1 - "What constitutes slavery in M/s context?"

I started a series of articles on the concept of "Internal Enslavement" (IE) that is described on the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk, and I am going to post the articles here on the ACES blog as well. I find the ideas presented in the essays on this website very thought provoking and inspiring, and as a submissive D/s lifestyler I can relate to a lot mentioned there.

Some background about the internet resource that I will be using for the series of articles: The IE website was initiated by the Fetlife user Tanos in 1997. He is an M/s lifestyler since many years, living in the UK with his long-term female slave mia. Tanos has written many essays on the dynamics of Master/slave and is still active with doing so. Until 2009 he published them on the www.enslavement.org.uk website together with his former long-term slave lili who also wrote many essays. So the website presents the Dominant's and the submissive's perspectives. They also present essays of other people who are active D/s lifestylers.

Tanos' "newer" writings since 2009 (after he and lili had split up) are published on the website http://www.ownership-possession.com. It is a highly interesting resource for D/s and M/s lifestylers as well. Background info you can find on http://www.tanos.org.uk/.
So you see this man is quite active with publically promoting M/s lifestyle and his ideas about it. I don't know Tanos in person, and the reason that I am doing some articles inspired by the Internal Enslavement website's essays is simply that I am fascinated by them. I am convinced that they can hold up with the reality of an M/s relationship in real life. They also have a quite scientific approach to it, not just because psychology plays a role. They say "We believe it is essential that theories of ownership are tested by comparison with the real lives of slaves and submissives". I specifically like this approach, because it is grounded in a healthy realism and not a "D/s bliss ideology" that might more of an illusion than grounded in the world of real relationships as they can be. A lot of the information given on the IE website deals with M/s and personality which in my opinion is very important to put focus on when you want to conduct a long-term successful M/s relationship.

So, first of all, what is "Internal Enslavement?" (IE)
Some keywords to "frame" the term would be "Master/slave" ... "Total Power Exchange" ... "Psychology" ... "Analysis" ... The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership".

In this article, I decided to focus on the question "What constitutes slavery in M/s context?".
In the IE concept, there is one plain simple answer to this: The submissive needs to be a "natural slave" in order to make an intimate M/s relationship work long-term for the sake of happiness and satisfaction of the Master and the slave. Before going into some details, I want to cite Tanos former slave lilli. She wrote about her relationship with her Master: "He changed my life in ways too numerous to mention and i owe much of my inner strength and happiness to him. For that he has my respect and undying loyalty." I think this puts in a nutshell what many submissives wish to achieve in their D/s relationship. Maybe some of you reading this article and can very much relate to this. A slave having this feeling about her Master must be truly happy and not need much else in her life.

We can read "To be a Natural Slave - to be a slave by nature - implies that the individual has some inherent, innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way." Tanos believes that if a submissive is a "Natural Slave", there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership" (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). So to speak, "enslavement" in M/s context is a process of purposely influencing and occupying/possessing more and more of the "inside" of a submissive (--> "internal" enslavement).

A huge aspect of determining what constitutes the being of a "natural slave" is that they seem to show a lover level of every-day "Reactance" (psychological concept first described by Brehm in 1966). Reactance is an emotional reaction to mentally or really experienced restriction of freedom. It is an emotional reaction that you could call "inner rebellion" in order to reestablish personal freedom; hence it leads to actions of resistance, struggle and fight until the restricted freedom is re-achieved again. In case the freedom cannot be restored there is a typical turning point that is described as "reaching the peak of reactance": giving in, trying to settle with the situation that seems inescapable ... when it is dramatic it can lead to depression etc. If You want to read about "Reactance" in greater detail, I advise you these two resources: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_%28psychology%29 and http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance

On http://www.enslavement.org.uk/natural we can read:

"Submissives may experience lower levels of total Reactance (roughly stress), when their freedom is restricted, compared to when they are free; and that they also don't experience the depression and low performance which psychologists observe with "normal" people in psychologically defined helplessness."

"We can go further and use Reactance to define a type of slave: a Natural Slave is a slave for whom slavery can be better than freedom, since they have the capacity to experience less Reactance when living in that condition, without the depression normally associated with Helplessness. Thus they are suited to slavery by their nature - by some inherent quality of their psychological makeup."

"Even though Natural Slaves in this IE sense may experience slavery as a positive experience, other factors in their environment may prevent this. Notably, if the Master behaves in a destructive way, ignoring fundamental needs, then the Helplessness may become negative rather than positive for the slave."

This is why I brought up the pillars safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment in the beginning.

We can also read an explanation of what mechanism could be at work in an M/s relationship that is based on informed consent (next to safety, sanity, mutual respect, trust and commitment). Keyword: "Paradoxical Gratitude / Stockholm Syndrome"

"Such phenomena can be seen as" survival strategies to cope with defeat. In particular, there may be a sexual dimension when the captor is male and the captive female, since the female's reproductive success may be best served by accepting the situation. The instinctive tendency to find captors sexually attractive if they provide for the captive's needs would facilitate this acceptance. This may be the root cause of the Enslavement process we observe in IE between Masters and female slaves."
(quote taken from http://www.enslavement.org.uk/natural)


The conclusion Tanos is drawing is this:
"This would suggest that Internal Enslavement may only be possible with Natural Slaves, since the trust and intimacy (in the Transactional Analysis sense) that forms the emotional bondage would be inhibited if the helpless state were destructive rather than positive for the subject." (quote taken from http://www.enslavement.org.uk/natural)

I hope that with this opening article of a series on Internal Enslavement i could help you to work yourself into the backgrounds of the concept and understand the basic approach to it.
In the next article I want to expand on one of the psychological techniques that can help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership" (Tanos): Transactional Analysis.

I would like to thank the IE website owner Tanos and the authors who published their essays on the website http://www.enslavement.org.uk/ for their awesome work and interesting thoughts on the dynamics of a Master/slave relationship.


Written by Mirjam Munro, July 2011

Romancing The (Jade) Stone

I know in past blogs i have taught about the art of happiness. And, as i said, the only person who can "make" you happy is yourself. If you are not willing to allow some ray of sunshine into your own world, then no one else can either. But a lot of the reason people end up in this position is because of past hurts. They become jaded and disillusioned with aspects of life. Rather than go through the pain again, they become bitter as a means of protecting themselves.

Lets us go on a little trip together and explore this jaded soul. Just how use full is being jaded really? As i mentioned, its a sort of self protective shell some people put around themselves. A bitter green skin that turns people away just to look at it. And some even wear it like a badge of honor. I have seen people approach others with almost the very first words from them being "I've been hurt before, so nice to meet you but how are you gonna try to kick me?"

That really helps make a warm and fuzzy conversation don't it?! That is JUST the kind of person i want to spend less than five seconds of my life around. So as a protective measure...while it may work..is altogether self destructive. A person who approaches new people, for any reason, with this sort of attitude will be an island all to themselves alright. The problem with it is that we are human. And humans, by basic nature, are social animals. In some form or another we CRAVE contact. Not talking sexual here. Just basic "hi how ya doin?" or "i gotta tell you what just happened to me today!" After a while even the jaded soul needs SOME one to talk to. But after spending so much time telling the world "i am miserable and don't want you around" ..guess what? Nobody IS around.

As i was spinning this thought around in my mind another thought came to me too. Aren't we punishing innocent people for our past if we live in jade world? Think of it this way; if a six foot man with blond hair and blue eyes commits murder, do we then go on the street and grab the first six foot blond man and throw him in jail? Of course not. There has to be proof that the person who is actually responsible is the one that gets punished. I'm not saying justice hasn't made a screw up or two and punished the wrong person. When that happens there is usually a public outcry. The message simply is that the person who committed the crime is the one that does the time.

Not so in the eyes of the jaded. In their mind EVERYONE is guilty and there is no innocent party. They punish everyone and hold everyone accountable for their pain. And while there may be someone who DID hurt them, that is not the fault of the rest of the world. Unfortunately these people also seem to have the opinion that not only is the rest of the world responsible, but anyone who tries to get close had better be ready to atone for the crime too.

So let me see if i got this right. I did not hurt you. in fact i have never met you. Now you hold me responsible for your pain AND if i want to know you on any level i have to pay for the pain you went through as though it were my fault. Gee look at the time! Sorry, gotta go!

These are the people that don't just look for verification that you wont harm them, they grill you over it. They fire questions like an AK 47 over your nose and if you show just a hint of hesitation...BLAM! Charged, Found Guilty, and Shot. When talking about the lifestyle, this sort of attitude is probably the most frustrating to me. I love answering questions and trying to help people understand some of the deeper aspects. It is challenging for new people. I understand that vanilla training makes it hard for them to wrap their mind around new concepts.

BUT..if you come to me with questions remember that you came to ME. I am not obligated to get down on bended knee and beg you to understand. I am also not going to give you answers you may agree with. That is ok. You don't have to understand or agree. But i am not a criminal for my beliefs. And nor is the lifestyle. If someone has been abused in the past and has trust issues, that is regrettable. But not the fault of those of us who live in the lifestyle. It also BEGS the question; if you have trust issues WHY would you want to look into a lifestyle that is BUILT on trust? The fact is, if you are looking for companionship it doesn't matter WHAT lifestyle you choose. YOU have the issue and YOU need to fix it. No one can do that for you. And no one can promise in ANY lifestyle that you wont get hurt again. Relationships don't come with guarantees. They are a leap of faith in trust. And people have a hard time hopping on broken legs.

So to the jaded souls of the world, my final Sub-Stance. I am sorry for you that you were hurt. There are a lot of reputable psychologists you can turn to in helping get past this. But i didn't cause your pain. I am not responsible for making it better or atoning for it. I will be happy to listen but i don't have the magic cure for you. All i have is what i believe in. And i honestly don't care if you accept it or not. I never said it was for you. You are the only one who can decide that. I live and believe in this lifestyle because it actually works for me. I teach it because some people want to learn about it, not grill and punish me for it. And if you have taken the time to hear the answers and still don't like them, that is your decision too. I hold no animosity toward you for not accepting it. But as momma taught me when i didn't like or want something ; just say no thank you and politely walk away. If you turn around, however, don't expect me to be on my knees begging your forvigness. I am innocent and have nothing to be sorry or ashamed of. That green stone prison...is your own creation. So only you have the key to getting out.

Loopholes And Other Loser Laps

Congress uses them, major corporations use them, tax evaders, lawyers, and many others make use of them. Loopholes. Those tiny little words (or lack of words) that allow these people to avoid certain situations and control others after a contract has been entered. And what else do all of these groups have in common? We tend, as a society, not to have a whole lot of trust in any of them. Loopholes are too often used so that these people can slither out from under obligation or take power that is not theirs to take. To be blunt, its legal cheating. And the way i was raised, if you got caught cheating in any way, you took a loser lap around the field.

In the lifestyle, the Power Exchange is the contract between the Dominant and submissive/slave. It stipulates clearly what each partner needs from the relationship, the limits they are willing or not willing to breach, and the vows of commitment to each other. The rules the submissive/slave will have to follow are clearly outlined and the submissive/slave's understanding and acceptance of them is given when they accept the collar. Hence the reason i stress VERY strongly to students to take time to KNOW the Dominant and what that Dominant expects.

But i am quickly finding that it is Dominants who also need to take time to read the fine print!...(or lack thereof).

When a Dominant takes on the responsibility of a submissive, They take on that persons life baggage. They understand (or should) what that submissive/slave needs in terms goals and what potential they have shown to reach those goals. I am going to use poly House as an example as it seems to be the biggest loop of all. If a Dominant wishes to some time down the road expand to poly, it is Their responsibility to express that in the PE. Not making this very important change down the road clear to the submissive/slave is, itself, a loophole because They can change the dynamic of the Household at will and still not break any part of the PE. But it can also set the Dominant up for a bad experience with a calculating sub/slave.

Lets say that Sally Subbie has been told CLEARLY by her potential Dominant that He very much wishes to move to a poly Household in the future. She is rather new to the lifestyle and is not sure she really wants to go down that road but does not wish to lose this collar. When the PE is set up she expresses that poly House is a soft limit (one she is not currently comfortable with but will be willing to try down the road). In His generosity, the Dominant agrees to put into the PE that poly House will be explored "when Sally has grown and is more comfortable with trying the Poly House".  You could drive a truck through that loophole... and here is why: Sally now has a card she can play. Every time her Dom brings up the subject, she can simply reply that she isn't ready yet. And since there was no stipulation about time or the goals set to help her BE ready, she does not ever have to try. Sally ..take a lap.

My fellow servants in collar, this is an ugly trick to play on your Dominant. In essence, Sally agreed to move to poly on HER terms. And since she really had no intention of moving in that direction, her "terms" are actually never. There is nothing wrong with a submissive wishing to serve a mono Dominant. But there is a lot wrong with using a loophole to control a POLY Dom into bending to your will.

Dominants, this is why i strongly urge You to CLEARLY spell out exact time frames. Spell out for Sally exactly what goals and rules will be used to help her reach this level of change. And spell out the time that You are willing to give before You want to start the shift to poly. Otherwise You are going to be sitting on Your thumbs while Your sub/slave dictates to YOU how You are going to run Your house.

Expectation is another major loophole that subs/slaves seem to make regular use of and is usually not part of the PE. While the usual "expectation" of the relationship is mentioned (i.e. i expect to grow and learn as i serve You and expect to be cared about/for in return), there is a lot more that is NOT mentioned.

Lets go back to Sally. In this instance, Sally is the first collar the Dominant has but this time poly is reached. A new submissive is being added. What Sally did not mention in the PE (or to anyone else) is that since she was the first one collared, she EXPECTS to be given first rights to all things. This includes personal time and any decision made in any event of disagreement with the new submissive. Basically her mindset is "i was here first. The sib gets the seconds".

Now it is true that some Doms DO set up a stairway household. The first submissive/slave on the top and all others below that one. The others are to look up to that first and pretty much be subservient to that one as well as the Dom. Again, it is the Doms personal choice to set Their household up as they please and this may work for some. But for the Dominant that wants a strait line house..the submissives are all equal and focused strictly on the Dom..then i suggest to that Dominant they lay out a new PE for Sally. One that clearly explains to her that she is not above her new sibling in any way. And one that makes it also clear that the Dominant will decide what He/She gives and when. Lets check out what Sally might do otherwise!

Nancy Newsub is introduced to the household and eventually gains a collar. To the Dominant this means He has two subs of equal value. Each unique and each cherished EQUALLY. But to Sally, she was first. To Sally's mind, she is entitled to have first in all things over Nancy.

So one day Master has some extra time off to spend. He knows Sally is doing pretty well but Nancy needs some guidance. Suddenly Sally gets moody and contrary because Master is spending time with Nancy first instead of her. Yes there is definitely a jealousy issue in play here. But because there was never a guideline set for Sally that she is not "first in all things" or "better" than Nancy, Sally will throw a tantrum. In her mind she is justified. In reality she is trying to top her Dom with a false sense of entitlement. She has forgotten that it is the Dominant who decides and being first does not give her right to EXPECT that Dominant to do anything. She will get what her Dominant feels she needs. By taking the collar in the first place, Sally agreed to let her Dominant make that decision. Now she is trying to take power from the Dominant by telling Him when He is "allowed" to spend time with Nancy. Sally...take a lap.

And for some submissives/slaves, this concept of entitlement goes beyond the household. These are the ones who feel they are entitled to make judgements on people because of friendships, demands on groups because they have been there a while, and have the general belief that the world "owes" them respect. If that person HAD such respect, the moment they believe they are fully entitled to it from everyone, they lose that respect. Just because you are best friends with someone does not mean you have the right to demand personal information or expect them to give you intimate details. You will get what information they feel they WANT to share and nothing more (or status in a group, or time with your Dominant etc.). The world does not owe you a thing.

Ok..now i will throw down one more loophole i see often. In fact i tend to see this one used by the EXPERIENCED submissives most! Its the "Dom knows how i am" loophole. In this little game the submissive uses the excuse that since her/his Dom collared them, they should know the little behavior issues that come with the package. And while this is true to an extent, it is also the sub/slaves responsibility to make the effort to change. If the sub/slave is aware they tend to impolite or downright mean if they feel slighted, then THEY have to make the effort to show some self control. I am not talking about defending ones self against the idiots who make rude comments or gestures. By all means, defend yourself. BUT if you tend to get bent out of shape, for example, in a discussion when someone disagrees with your point of view..that is YOUR responsibility to control. Let me give an example to clarify.

This time Sally is at a meeting and the topic at the moment is one she is passionate about. She states her feelings on the topic but someone else respectfully expresses a different point of view. In response, Sally becomes belligerent. She attacks the other speaker and lets her temper get the better of her mouth. Later on that day she acknowledges to a friend that she got carried away and her Dom will probably hear about it but in her mind "He knows how i am though. Its no big deal."...SALLY....TAKE A LAP!

This is a subtle form of passive/aggressive topping. Just because your Dominant knows you and some of your negative attributes does not excuse you. I am Scotch/Irish, Italian, and German. You bet i have a temper and can fly off the handle without looking at the whole picture before responding. Its something i have always done. But not something that is going to reflect well on Master. I live with Master and yes He is very well aware of how i am. But it is MY responsibility to control that temper not His. Nor is He obligated to "deal with it" just because He collared me. I am the one obligated to learn some control BECAUSE He collared me and i respect that.

And while i agree that we should be loved unconditionally (Master has never stopped loving me because of this flaw), if we are aware of the flaw...then we should make the effort to address it. Not excuse it nor expect the Dominant to "deal with it". Even worse, i have heard subs outright tell the Dominant "you collared me. You know i am like this!" In essence, telling the Dom outright to "deal with it" rather than apologize for the action. Your actions and words are YOUR responsibility. YOU deal with it. Otherwise the message you are sending is that you put yourself above Them. Your behavior (and right to act out) is above the honor of the collar.

Now let me also point out something here; I have been criticized that i am trying to turn subs/slaves into "cookie cutter subbies". I am not telling anyone not to be themselves. I am stating that, as adults, our behavior is OUR responsibility. Being collared does not excuse that. In fact, it should make responsibility all the more important. Once you are collared you REPRESENT the Dominant. If being "yourself" means putting your behavior before the honor of the collar, then i suggest you are not ready for that responsibility that COMES with the honor.

My final Sub-Stance; Using loopholes to excuse behavior or get out of a Dominants decisions IS topping. Its also underhanded and crude. The collar represents (among other things) trust. Not just a submissives/slaves trust in the Dominant but also the Dominants trust in the one they collar. They are trusting you to represent Their name with honor. And they are trusting you to give the gift of submission fully, not whenever you feel like it. The PE is used to outline the limits of this exchange BEFORE the collar is given. Using it to subtly take away the Dominants power whenever we feel IS cheating the PE.

Once again, this is NOT vanilla. There is not "equality" in the relationship of D/s. There is a Dominant who owns the submissive. And a submissive who, by taking the collar, accepted this ownership. The word "submit" means to yield power and control to another. Period. Be smart, be proud, be outspoken (i certainly am!), but do it with HONOR for your Dominant. I am not perfect, but i am PROUD to be owned by such a wonderful Master. I want all i do and say to bring Him pride in owning me. And while i make plenty of mistakes, they are my mistakes and my responsibility to correct. If i disagree with Master, i may tell Him how i feel, but i accept that i am the one who is owned. His decision is final. If i attempt to use any other means to get what i want from Him then i fully expect Him to tell me...Take a lap!

Ego Tripping!! A Bad SUBMISSIVE Trait??

A note of apology for the double post on Common Unity...i grabbed the wrong one! That's what i get for blogging without having that second cup of coffee ;)


When we think of ego maniacs we think of the person who demands all eyes on them. They wouldn't dream of leaving the house in a pair of sweats because (of course) everyone would notice! Their opinion is the only "right" one and THEY are the center of the world (or should be!). So how is it that a submissive heart could have an ego problem? Submissives serve the Dominant. The Dominant's happiness is their joy. By nature a submissive is about the last person with an ego problem right?

Not long ago i discovered my own ego problem. How much i would love to say it was a lack of communication or understanding but the plain truth is i let my ego control my thoughts. You see, part of what i teach at Solace Academy is communication. When something is bothering you or you feel uncomfortable, the first step is to go your Dominant and TALK about it. Let them know how you are feeling so that a solution can be reached. But that a submissive must understand that a Dominant may not always share His or Her own issues with the submissive. And it was at exactly this point that my ego jumped up and bit me.

Master was having some things He needed to work out in His mind. Ever the "typical" submissive, i took His silence as personal. And isn't it something i tell other submissives not to do? Don't take it personal because chances are its not about you at all.
But i did. It is so easy to sit and think "what did i do wrong" and make it some kind of martyrdom badge. Take the blame before it is given. I credit my sis with all my heart for setting me strait because she, too, has the same brain function as Master. They withdraw and think on things that bother T/them. Not from just who or what is bothering T/them but from everything. T/they need that space. Once she had explained it, and once i finally took my own advice about communicating...i learned there were issues that did not involve me that were causing the trouble.

I have been thinking on this ever since and finally FINALLY am able to put into words why i felt so guilty afterward. I was tripping on my own ego. The fact is that not everything that Master deals with in a day is about me in any way. Yet when a submissive blames them self for a Dominant's distance, that is exactly what we are expecting. Dominants are people too. People have lives full of things to think or worry about. Car payments, kids, job, rent, parents etc. As much as we would love to spend every waking moment focused on the person we share our life with, it simply is not practical.

If you are a submissive or slave consider this: Do you have time through out your day to sit and think ONLY of your Dominant? Of course not. Yes They are always in our hearts and in the back of our minds. But we need to focus our minds on the issues of the moment too. If you are sitting in a board meeting about finances and all you can say at the meeting is "my Master is so great!" chances are you wont have a job very long. And what if YOU are the one under the gun because the financial picture of the company is bad? You will worry about it! It isn't that your Dominant is not important or part of your heart every moment. Just that your focus must be on the issue at hand. And for some people, (Dominant, submissive, male or female ) it is a natural reaction to internalize stress until we have solved it on our own terms. We may not be aware that while we are turning this around in our minds, that we are not giving our full attention to others around us.

A Dominant may notice this in the submissive or slave and call it to the floor. But we who serve are really not allowed to do that. We may approach Them and ask if there is some trouble we may help with, but the Dominant is not obligated to answer us. If the only answer They choose to give is that they "have things on Their mind", we must accept this answer. Unfortunately we sometimes take the view that "it has to be my fault. What have i done to displease Him/Her?" While this might seem like the tender heart of a longing servant, it is also an ego trip. In taking on responsibility for the Dominant withdrawing into Their mind to think, we assume that all they can possibly have to think about is US. And we run the great risk of taking that ego trip to the next level when we fully believe WE are the problem and withdraw from the Dominant. When we do this, we are taking our gift of submission and service away. Worse, they will notice our sullen behavior and now have TWO problems to deal with. The one they started with and our behavior (which they don't understand because we didn't talk to them about it).

When we engage in the thought that everything is our fault, we assume we are the center of everything. We send the message that all we expect the Dominant to have to focus on in a day is us. This is far from an endearing submissive trait. It is a "me me me" concept. And it follows through when the Dominant chooses to speak to others or have close relationship with others. Our jealousy causes us to ask "am i being replaced? Am i not doing enough?" Once again we expect all focus to belong to us and worry about OUR position with the Dominant. In a poly house this is the main reason we DON'T talk about our personal intimacies with our siblings. It brings about too much chance of selfish competition. The exception to this is when sibs have formed a very close and understanding bond.

Finally, when we engage in this idea that "its all my fault, its all about me", we shut down and stop listening. When our Dominant feels ready to speak and perhaps vent, we are no longer paying attention. We have already assumed it is all about us and are not being the attentive servant to what our Dominant needs from us; sometimes just an ear to vent to and trust. Instead we pull away when they need our service and attentiveness most. Sometimes just being there and listening is all They need to bring Them the peace and joy we so want Them to have.

My final Sub-Stance on this is that while taking the blame may seem like an almost "endearing" quality in a submissve/slave, if done too often it sends the message that we want to be the center at all times. Unfortunately we don't always see that side of the coin. It is not always obvious to us that we have lost our focus. I have since apologized to Master for my lack of attentiveness and you can bet the next time He withdraws or seems sullen...i will let HIM tell me what troubles Him if He chooses. Not assume i have the ability to read His mind or the right to judge His mood. i know from His lips that i am a very important part of His life. But not the only thing of importance either.

Common Unity

OK, i have already done a blog on judging people. Hopefully folks who read this will take a moment to understand it for what it is. This is my attempt to ALL in the lifestyle to recognize each other with respect and not judgement. Vanilla world does enough of this without us doing it to each other.

My introduction to the lifestyle was not pleasant. Twenty years ago i was not even given enough respect to even be TOLD i was a slave. I only knew i had a strict and jealous boyfriend who liked a few "kinky" things. Yes i was young and utterly nieve. I had no idea the "lifestyle" even existed. As a result, i was injured both emotionally and physically. It was not until i found SL that i learned about the lifestyle or even had a name for what i went through (other than abuse). And it was not until i started getting to know people in the lifestyle that i learned what i went through was NOT a part of the lifestyle at all.

Gradually i started to reconnect with my submissive nature. True to most who have been down the ugly side, i took on the form of Dominant out of self protection. No one was going to hurt me again. But i still wanted to learn more about this lifestyle because something about it resonated with my soul. It took a man like Master, and a lot of time for me to let that wall down. I needed to build trust with a Dominant in order to fully reconnect with my submissive heart. A heart i wore on my sleeve for the abuser and one i wear now for Master. The fact was, for all the friends i had met in the lifestyle, none of them made me feel as safe and sure of my self as He did. None of them made me feel so sure that i could comfortably kneel. I spent too long rebuilding my self confidence and was not able to tear that down by kneeling. Through Him i learned i did not have to. He never ordered or expected me to kneel. He waited till i did it from the heart and on my own terms.
And it took His lifestyle choice too. I have learned over the time that Solace has been open so much about the M/s lifestyle from those whom i hold in the highest regard. Because of these people, i learn more every day and hold the M/s relationship in great esteem. But i could not live in the M/s lifestyle. Too many old hurts and wounds will not let me live fully under that tenant. I do not consider myself above them nor they above me. I simply can not live a life in M/s. Nor do i have to. THAT is the joy of this lifestyle. At least it SHOULD be. That we all understand there are different strokes for different folks and ALLOW each other RESPECTFULLY to be who we are. I may not agree with some aspects of the lifestyle. i may not even like some areas of it. But, as Master says, will give my life for the RIGHT of others to make that decision for themselves.

Vanilla does not do this. Vanilla dictates that there is only one right way and we all have to fall in line. Anything else is unacceptable. Is not this one of the reasons we joined this lifestyle? Not just for the kink or thrill. But because we could be ourselves, be accepted, and not be made to feel "less"? THIS is what i take issue with. There should never be a line between M/s, D/s, Extreme, etc?

 I don't agree with all of them. And i wont teach some of them. I wont teach what i don't personally live. But i respect their right to exist. And the right of others to choose for themselves. In the end we are all under the same flag. All part of the same team. The Lifestyle. We need to stop arguing about whether "company B" is better, stronger, etc than "company C" and focus on the main goal. To rebuild this lifestyle with the grace and honor it deserves. We cant do that with back biting and forced superiority. Vanilla already does that to us enough as it is.

Certainly i fully believe that people also have the right to choose vanilla lifestyle too without being judged. It is the fact that they judge us so quickly that bothers me. And we as a lifestyle seem to have carried some of that judgmental behavior over into our own. If you wear the collar, then we are brothers and sisters in SERVICE regardless of what part of the lifestyle we live in. If you own one who has submitted, then You are connected as brothers and sisters in Dominance, no matter what title You prefer to be called or have earned. It is this bigger family that Sos is working so very hard for. This sense of US as a community.

My final Sub-Stance: Let us not prove the vanilla pudding people right about the kind of people we are or the kind of community we are. Let us be a COMMUNITY  (Common Unity) that proves honor, respect and dignity are not just words we throw around but part of what we all SHARE regardless of personal taste. Let us stand not toe to toe, but form a bridge that all who come to the lifestyle can walk on and feel safe and welcomed on both sides.