"the Happy Ending" with Jay Wiseman

A few weeks ago, I was intrigued by a notice announcing a live interview at THE FORUM with Jay Wiseman (Avatar: Jay Composer) author of books such as the "Erotic Bondage Handbook" and "SM 101" amongst others. It was my first introduction to the author and producer of several instructional DVDs on Bondage.

Questions from participants ranged from inquiries about the nonsexual aspects of BDSM, to opinions on an elitest view of real lifestylers versus virtual ones. In response to the seperation, he responded, "..."the Internet has decreased the relevanceof geography...you [are able to] meet a kindred spirit in a way that you would not otherwise; there is the potential for great satisfaction and great pain in online relationships." Sir Jay went on to discuss Second Life as a way to explore and I readily cosigned this view. Internet connections and relationships, especially in Second Life have opened a window of exploration which has set free many closeted and curious lifestylers unsure of ways to experience these deep rooted urges, thoughts and ways of being. Many of these connections allow an acceptace of self that facilitates growth and participation in both lives for individuals who might never have ventured away from their vanilla lives to truly discover who they are.

I was most impressed with Sir Jay's description of what he calls the " Happy Ending Model" of BDSM. He discussed the importance of healthy and positively received outcomes at the end of a scene "...once the session is over are people at peace about it and if so why? If not, why? If they are happy and not too much risk was involved... then the outcome is reasonably ok." As I processed his words my thoughts were that this "outcome measure" should extend across any TPE relationship whether in a scene or not. Of course this is true of commited mono or poly families and may not be true for single night episodes of fun filled kink. Nevertheless, mutual respect appears to be the point here and something that can, unfortunately be neglected when priorty on the *people* involved in *any* relationship is neglected. Irregardless of what your preferrences are relative to Dominance, submission, kink or fetish, a mutual understanding of one another's needs, desires, limits and expectations is essential. This might also mean that the relationship will experience struggles as all members grow and develop individually and within the relationship. Sir Jay adds,"...challeges are universal [in all relationships] although the way of achieving the desired outcome is more personal and individual....there is a role for dissecting things and looking at nuiances and then synthesizing what you've discovered and incorporating that into what you are doing."

Additional dialogue was facilitated around the success rate of D/s relationships over vanilla relationships which is attributable to the level of trust expected and required for a true submission to occur. More than in typical relationships and marriages, there is a willingnes to trust, be self accountable and expressive about feelings that is often absent in other relationships. It’s hard to imagine how a positive outcome could not be achieved under those circumstances as this type of commitment.

Although some lifestylers might cringe at the idea of a "fairytale ending" Having dialogued with Sir Jay and other very vocal and opinionated lifestylers W/we seem to aspire to live happily ever after.

cypher Reverie-Ra