Whether its in world or in blog, most of my work is based on the dynamics of the poly/multi house. Perhaps this is because of all the topics involving the lifestyle, this is the one that is the most challenging. When you think about it, everything a submissive learns is needed when entering a poly household. Everything from being able to understand your own needs, to communication with your Dominant, building trust, and building respect..all of it is needed when entering poly. Why?
We need to know our limits and feelings, we need to be able to communicate them effectively, we need to be able to trust our Dominants decision when bringing a new sibling into the household, and we need to respect both our sibling and the relationship between sibling and Dominant. All of these need to be in line if the poly house is to survive. What happens when something is off? Yup, rivalry. Let me describe some of the most common scenarios i have witnessed to explain my point.
A Dominant introduces a new sibling to the relationship too quickly (for instance suddenly arriving with this new sibling unannounced one day) the result can be just as swift. The first girl, having no previous knowledge that Dominant was even considering another submissive, is thrown into a turmoil. As a submissive i can tell you what those feelings will be.
1) How did my Dominant know this person and for how long? How long have i been kept in the dark?
2) What am i doing wrong?
3) Am i not pleasing Dominant any longer? Am i being replaced?
4) This was never mentioned that i would have siblings. When did Dominant change His/Her mind?
Point one is a total destruction of trust. The Dominant did not share what was going on with the first girl. Now she feels secrets are being kept from her and loses that bond of trust upon which she has built her entire submission. Point two is the natural tendency for any submissive to take responsibility for things even if they had no control. They automatically assume they are doing something wrong that prompted the Dominant to bring in someone new. Which leads automatically to point three. That feeling the first girl will have that she is no longer pleasing to the Dominant. That this new girl is her replacement and she is soon to be tossed to the curb. Finally point four. She was never told about this change and was caught off guard completely. She has had no time process the information or even to understand why the Dominant is bringing this new person into the household. Keep in mind too that if the submissive is newer to the lifestyle a Dominant may have to spend more time training and teaching that submissive before trying to introduce a new dynamic.
The end result of this scenario is just as swift as the emotions that come to the first girl. I have seen houses fall in an hour. When no consideration is made for the first girls feelings about changing the structure of the household and it is tossed in her lap how can she have trust? Clearly the decision was not made with her best interest at heart (the whole point of submitting to someone we trust) because her heart was not considered. Certainly it is the Dominants right to run the household as They see fit but as Master does say in His classes "Dominant has the final say but the submissive has the final action". Usually the final action a submissive has almost immediately is the removal of the collar.
Next scenario! Dominant does talk to the first girl. She is told of the Dominants interest in expanding the house and even introduced to the new girl before any collar is given to the new one. They are given time to spend together in each others company to start a sibling bond. But immediately first girl senses something off with this new one. She tries to make nice but something about the way the new one behaves or speaks sounds disrespectful or even mean. She wants to talk to her Dominant and share her concerns but Dominant is so keen on having this new submissive They don't allow first girl to speak or hear her if she is allowed to speak.
Dominants of the world please. Take time to listen to your first girl if she has concerns about someone. You don't have to make any decision right away but pay attention to this new person. Perhaps you are only given one side (the good side) while your girl is being disrespected behind your back. It is also just as true first girl may be having doubts based more on her own insecurities than actual fact. But shouldn't you know your first girl is feeling insecure? Should not that be addressed if that turns out to be the issue? Doubts and fears about a change in the household are very natural but it is important to resolve the root of those feelings if a healthy house is to be built.
Next scene. The household is being built and all SEEMS ok on the surface. Perhaps even Dominant is not really aware of any issues. But underneath it all the siblings are barely tolerant of each other. They have tried to form a bond but can find no common ground. Worse, they both may not wish to be the first to say anything for fear of displeasing Dominant. Neither of them may have done anything wrong but they simply cant seem to stand each other. Unfortunately we all have that issue in this world. Some people just rub us the wrong way and we are unable to really explain why. There is no good reason. We just plain don't like being around them and their little quirks turn into serious annoyances.
In this instance Dominant needs to be very aware. He or She needs to be able to sense when there is tension in the room. Does the family chat and have fun all together? Do the siblings spend time together when you are not there? Do they talk of each other when the other is not around? If a sibling bond is truly formed they will praise each other openly. If it is not being well formed they may speak very little of the other (barely nice about it) or mention "little" things that made them "annoyed" but not want expand on the issue. Tension in the household that is not addressed will eventually mushroom. Ever make one of those "Pop Fresh" popcorn in a tin things where the foil rises up and up until it bursts? Not pleasant to deal with in a household. And unless the heat itself is turned off and the issues addressed, it almost certainly will end badly.
And Finally. Dominant introduces the new submissive into the household and decides to form a hierarchy for the sake of the happiness of first girl. First girl comes before the new one and should (of course) be the role model. But it is made clear that she is also AHEAD of the new one at all times. This set up has been referred to as "stairway to heaven", where there is one head submissive and each one added is a step lower. While again the Dominant has the right make that choice, please be aware of the impending doom. This set up inherently creates rivalry. The first may consider her/him self to be above the others in all things and actually try to dominate. They may not even be aware of it, but they treat the "lower" submissives as beneath them quite literally as people. The "lower" submissives may turn around and see the "first or head" submissive as an obstacle to overcome. Like climbing the rungs of a business ladder. They may have the feeling that if they can topple the first, then they can enjoy the top rung.
A set up like this is a sure fire way to start fireworks but i must also make clear a difference between a stair way and a commitment. Dominant made the first commitment to the first. Making sure that the new submissive understands they are not LESS than the first (both loved and honored equally) or that favorites will be played. But that if a bond is unable to be reached between the two, the first bond is the first one respected. In other words, the new one may have to look for another household. Does this open the door for first to behave badly? It sure does. First can very easily use this as an excuse to push the second one away by using petty arguments and behavior and then claim the bond "just isn't there". But the first commitment is one of responsibility NOT entitlement. If a first behaves badly and uses that bond as an excuse, that bond becomes null and void. Pay attention fellow firsts! Just because you have that first bond and commitment with Master is NOT an excuse to be petty or pick fights. In fact just the opposite. It is even more reason to uphold the honor of that bond by being open and kind. If you do not respect that bond, you don't deserve it.
Now, as the title indicates there is a part two to this blog and also obvious that it will be the submissives roll in the cat fight. After all, the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility in the poly house. But i chose them first because They are the ones to make that decision and they are the ones who have the final say. If a Dominant makes the choice to change the dynamics of a household then they need to be aware of the trouble that could come of it. It only makes sense to make the change carefully, honestly, and with consideration of any submissive already owned at heart.
As for my usual final Sub-Stance, i will hold that until i have finished the second half ;)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
New Facilitators Expectations
The recent celebration of 900 members in the group has resulted with more interest by the general community to create more schools and facilitators. Jovial has constructed a new form of information in order to express our expectations on admitting new members into the ACES facilitators roles.
We request:
to attend your event 3 times prior to accepting your interest in facilitation
have an already established facilitator refer you to the role
have a text or voice based interview of your education facility
Jovial and I are not mediators in situations. Although we do get messages about situations that do arise. We will be true to ourselves and utilize the disclaimer that all educators and members are responsible for their actions and behavior in and outside of ACES. We will not tolerate abuse or drama.
You may ask either Jovial or I for the form for new facilitators. Enclosed is the etiquette guidelines and network application in the note card.
Thanks!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Something Of Value: The Toothbrush and the Ticket
I can not tell you how many times, as a submissive and as a person, i have said "i am not worthy". How many times i have felt the power of Master's love, the joy of the gifts He gives me and thought myself not good enough to deserve them. And how many times He has told me the one thing that truly disappoints Him is when i do this. It is a mindset that many have and one that is, unfortunately, something that comes with having been hurt or a sense of guilt for hurt we have caused.
But i am learning. I am learning that i am not perfect. I make mistakes and will continue to do so. As long as i take honest responsibility for them, do not make them out of sheer malice, and try my best to learn from them then the worst that can really be said is that i am human. I am also learning that holding on to past hurt and the insecurity it caused is a way for my past to control my present. The past is over and i have to let it go if i am to truly accept and appreciate what Master gives me now. By holding on to it i put someone else's actions above those of Master.
So how should i view myself and improve my self esteem? And what about the toothbrush? I had to think of my submission and gift to Him. How much value does it have? In my own eyes i was not worth much. But what does this say about the gift i give to Him? I was careful when i finally gave my heart to Master because i did not want to be hurt again. And He gave me the sense of security, honesty and dignity i needed to trust. I could have simply decided that abuse was all i was worthy of. I had enough self respect to give myself only to the One who earned my trust. That is part of what makes a gift a true gift. I came up with a scenario that illustrates what i mean here.
Lets say you go into your bathroom and grab your old ratty toothbrush. You go outside and pretty much toss it to the first hobo that crosses your path and go back inside. NOW...you may get a short lived sense of "ok great i did something sorta good. I gave a gift". But inside of ten minutes this sort of gift will be forgotten by you and probably by the hobo too.
The hobo may not know what in the world to do with it. He may have no teeth and therefor no use for a toothbrush. He may brush his beard with it once or twice, pick his nose and then toss it away. Obviously YOU didn't want it or need it anyway. When a submissive gives them self to the first person who proclaims them self a Dominant and does not value themselves enough to build some kind of bond with that Dom...they become a toothbrush. They give themselves with no regard to who they submit to and no care what will be done with them. And if the submissive doesn't care, why should the Dominant?
Now..lets say i have a piece of paper in my pocket. It is a little one inch square of paper with less uses than a toothbrush to be sure. BUT on that paper is the title of a movie, the day and time and seat number. It represents a moment in time spent with someone special. A happy moment in our life forever remembered with this little ticket. Now lets say i save that ticket and few other small mementos of that special person for say ..20 years. On that anniversary i put the ticket and other mementos built over time into a special box and give it to them.
Now we have a real gift. It has meaning. It is the memories and joys built over time and given from the heart telling that special person that no moment went unnoticed or unappreciated. That ticket has more value than gold because it is cherished both by the giver and the receiver. So if a submissive has some self esteem, some sense of self worth they will be careful to give that gift of THEM to a Dominant who really wants that gift. And the Dominant, having spent time earning the trust and love of the submissive, will value the gift much more. Your submission will have meaning because it was not tossed at the Dominant but earned.
Yes it is true and unfortunate that even after spending time and building a relationship some will still not care. Some will still take for granted the value of the gift given. And it doesn't have to mean the Dominant always. I have seen many submissives take for granted the gift of care and guidance given to them by a loving Dominant too. The vanilla world has the same problem. Some people are just selfish and do not understand the meaning of gratitude.
It is these people who cause the hurt. These people who tear down self esteem and make us feel "unworthy". When this happens, when someone takes our gift for granted and makes us feel worthless, we have to take time to rebuild. Take time to reestablish who you are. Forgive them for hurting you, spend time alone with yourself to reconnect with yourself, and most of all forgive yourself for giving that trust. It is so easy to beat ourselves up "i should never have trusted, i should have seen the signs".
Giving trust is taking a gamble and as adults we should always be aware of that risk in any new relationship. But giving trust should never be considered bad or wrong. You felt it was earned and gave it. It is not your fault if someone did not appreciate that. You have to build trust in yourself again too.
Ultimately you have to value yourself again before you can give the gift once more. Just be watchful that during this time you do not take someone else's gifts to you for granted either. Doing to someone else what was done to you will only bring on guilt and more low self esteem. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and above behavior that is cruel if we are ever to trust or be trusted.
My final sub-stance: A gift has only as much value as the person giving it puts to it. And will only be valued by someone who has to earn it. And it can only be of value to the person receiving it if they put aside their own self interest. If i am to value what Master gives me, i must see my own worth in His eyes. If i had not given any care about giving the gift of myself to Him, Master would not have cared to have it. It isn't about me or how i see myself based on the past. It is the present, and Master cares for me, and that is what should count.
But i am learning. I am learning that i am not perfect. I make mistakes and will continue to do so. As long as i take honest responsibility for them, do not make them out of sheer malice, and try my best to learn from them then the worst that can really be said is that i am human. I am also learning that holding on to past hurt and the insecurity it caused is a way for my past to control my present. The past is over and i have to let it go if i am to truly accept and appreciate what Master gives me now. By holding on to it i put someone else's actions above those of Master.
So how should i view myself and improve my self esteem? And what about the toothbrush? I had to think of my submission and gift to Him. How much value does it have? In my own eyes i was not worth much. But what does this say about the gift i give to Him? I was careful when i finally gave my heart to Master because i did not want to be hurt again. And He gave me the sense of security, honesty and dignity i needed to trust. I could have simply decided that abuse was all i was worthy of. I had enough self respect to give myself only to the One who earned my trust. That is part of what makes a gift a true gift. I came up with a scenario that illustrates what i mean here.
Lets say you go into your bathroom and grab your old ratty toothbrush. You go outside and pretty much toss it to the first hobo that crosses your path and go back inside. NOW...you may get a short lived sense of "ok great i did something sorta good. I gave a gift". But inside of ten minutes this sort of gift will be forgotten by you and probably by the hobo too.
The hobo may not know what in the world to do with it. He may have no teeth and therefor no use for a toothbrush. He may brush his beard with it once or twice, pick his nose and then toss it away. Obviously YOU didn't want it or need it anyway. When a submissive gives them self to the first person who proclaims them self a Dominant and does not value themselves enough to build some kind of bond with that Dom...they become a toothbrush. They give themselves with no regard to who they submit to and no care what will be done with them. And if the submissive doesn't care, why should the Dominant?
Now..lets say i have a piece of paper in my pocket. It is a little one inch square of paper with less uses than a toothbrush to be sure. BUT on that paper is the title of a movie, the day and time and seat number. It represents a moment in time spent with someone special. A happy moment in our life forever remembered with this little ticket. Now lets say i save that ticket and few other small mementos of that special person for say ..20 years. On that anniversary i put the ticket and other mementos built over time into a special box and give it to them.
Now we have a real gift. It has meaning. It is the memories and joys built over time and given from the heart telling that special person that no moment went unnoticed or unappreciated. That ticket has more value than gold because it is cherished both by the giver and the receiver. So if a submissive has some self esteem, some sense of self worth they will be careful to give that gift of THEM to a Dominant who really wants that gift. And the Dominant, having spent time earning the trust and love of the submissive, will value the gift much more. Your submission will have meaning because it was not tossed at the Dominant but earned.
Yes it is true and unfortunate that even after spending time and building a relationship some will still not care. Some will still take for granted the value of the gift given. And it doesn't have to mean the Dominant always. I have seen many submissives take for granted the gift of care and guidance given to them by a loving Dominant too. The vanilla world has the same problem. Some people are just selfish and do not understand the meaning of gratitude.
It is these people who cause the hurt. These people who tear down self esteem and make us feel "unworthy". When this happens, when someone takes our gift for granted and makes us feel worthless, we have to take time to rebuild. Take time to reestablish who you are. Forgive them for hurting you, spend time alone with yourself to reconnect with yourself, and most of all forgive yourself for giving that trust. It is so easy to beat ourselves up "i should never have trusted, i should have seen the signs".
Giving trust is taking a gamble and as adults we should always be aware of that risk in any new relationship. But giving trust should never be considered bad or wrong. You felt it was earned and gave it. It is not your fault if someone did not appreciate that. You have to build trust in yourself again too.
Ultimately you have to value yourself again before you can give the gift once more. Just be watchful that during this time you do not take someone else's gifts to you for granted either. Doing to someone else what was done to you will only bring on guilt and more low self esteem. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and above behavior that is cruel if we are ever to trust or be trusted.
My final sub-stance: A gift has only as much value as the person giving it puts to it. And will only be valued by someone who has to earn it. And it can only be of value to the person receiving it if they put aside their own self interest. If i am to value what Master gives me, i must see my own worth in His eyes. If i had not given any care about giving the gift of myself to Him, Master would not have cared to have it. It isn't about me or how i see myself based on the past. It is the present, and Master cares for me, and that is what should count.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
What is Real?
Recently a letter arrived to Master complaining that some teachers and lecturers have no RL experience. Solace Castle has always held that SL and RL experience are both valid and true. This person blatantly stated they did not believe that SL experience in the lifestyle actually counted and were disappointed in O/our stand.
I must admit my very first response was the knee jerk Master is trying so hard to teach me out of. The Irish/Italian blood could not help it. How dare anyone think they have the right to try and tell Master what belief to hold in His own Academy. If they dislike it so much, then quit barking, get off your lazy kiester, and start your own school.
But as i said, Master is working very hard to get me out of that too-quick response. I held my tong (ok i let it fly a little here) and took a step back to think. Actually the note came at a very interesting time for me. I have been pondering it for days and finally think i have sorted out a major issue in my head. So i suppose i owe its author a vote of thanks for making me think.
You see, not long before the letter arrived i had been talking with Master. I was feeling very separated from SL. I told Him of how it did not feel real to me anymore. Certainly i cared for the people i met on SL to a certain extent. But only a very VERY select few were real to me. The rest were pretty much two dimensional. The computer that had once been my refuge was reduced to a box. Just a box and nothing to do with real living. I explained to Master that i had been struggling with this ever since i came to live with Him.
Before i met Master in SL, RL was as plain and dull and lifeless as tapioca pudding to me (sorry pudding lovers). Family, work and house chores were my life. By family i mean grown siblings and parents. I had no one in my life romantically. Nor was it an easy thing to socialize. The town i grew up in had two social hubs; the church or the bar.
Drinking games and clumsy passes by drunk college boys stopped being "fun" in my late twenties. Some would say getting old sucks. And since none of the billion churches in the area impressed me enough to be a die hard fan of that either, there goes the other door. I was left with my daily routine and life alone. A small circle of married friends, family, and the computer. Like a million others in SL, i found my social life in pixels and sims rather than pubs and church picnics.
In that moment of my life SL was more than real. It was me making friends, bonding with people, and exploring myself in ways no one can in RL. The fact is, sometimes learning needs to be done on smaller scales. Take away the unnecessary senses of smell, touch, taste...leave the seeing, the hearing and open your mind. Amazing what you learn about yourself that way. And in a land where everyone is beautiful..no one is judged ugly on sight. Only on behavior. Was SL reality to me? It was more than that. It was a connection to the real ME.
All of that of course was before Master. When i met Master He was as pixilated as i was. It wasn't His pixles that won my heart in less than an hour. It was Him. His jokes, His warmth, His honest demeanor. But i was smart. I knew i had just met Him. Believe me i did not surrender to Master that first moment. I had been on years already and was well past newbie nose dives. Master never gave up. Months went by before i finally trusted and believed that someone in the world existed and did care for me.
I loved Him. With all of my heart i had fallen for Him. With new eyes i looked at the life i had been living. A life i resigned to live. The crazy old cat lady alone on the hill. He changed that. Life was not a book i was just trying to get to the end of. It was a road with dreams ahead again. More time went by and finally i took a leap of faith in what my heart and head were telling me.
That is when SL began to change for me. The moment i came into this home and into this life. This was different in ways i could not begin to explain. Laundry and dishes were no long drudgery. These things i do now as my way of showing Master how much i love Him, how grateful i am to Him for the life He gave me here. Living in RL finally became a joy again.
SL had lost its use for me. And up until the arrival of the note, had become almost an eyesore. I was more and more seeing SL and the computer as an "idiot box" with no meaning or purpose outside of supporting Master's dream of the Academy. Flat and cold when compared to Master's warm touch and the joy of living life with Him.
So what about the letter bothered me? Why, if SL is just a bunch of pixles, was i so mad at this person's belief that SL experience in the lifestyle didn't count? I had to think back to the life before i was here. When i fell in love with Him, it was REAL love. Even though at the time i could not kneel at His knee, i surrendered to His will just the same. I obeyed His daily command from a country apart just as i do from across the room. I was a submissive in SL but without a Master i believed in until i met Him. So i learned and trained to be HIS girl before He ever touched me. W/we have been together over a year now and its been the best time of my whole life. That's saying a lot 'cause i aint no spring chicken!
W/we at the castle teach that SL experience is just as valid as RL for that reason. A person does not have to be in the room to touch your life...or even in the same country. Of course before the computer they used books and such. The result is the same...HOW you learn is not nearly as important as WHAT you learn and what you take to heart. Unless i am mistaken, people still go to Sunday school and learn from a book. A book so old no one in the room can claim RL either. But it doesn't make what they learn and take from it any less valid.
THAT SAID...i do have to make a very strong argument about the difference between learning and obsession. Even before Master, i may have let some chores slide but took care of my business too. Its ok to learn the lifestyle in SL. As long as you put SL down and tend to RL too. I can not tell you, as a barren woman, how pissed i get when i hear a woman on open voice yell at her toddler for wanting some attention. The child should never have to compete with the box. Take care of your babies. Take care of your bills and your work and yourself. Learn and explore SL. Just remember it is SECOND life. It doesn't exist without the FIRST one. There is no excuse for letting your RL go to squalor and ruin for the sake of the pixle world. Even those who turn to SL because of physical limitation have an RL. LIVE the first life. Because if you cant live in the first life you were given, you certainly wont get it right in the second one either.
My final sub-stance on this: A submissive can learn the needs, wants, and desires of the Dominant in SL just as well as RL. RL does provide a different level of awareness...but not a more valid one. Of course that is provided the submissive and Dominant BOTH are opening their mind and heart.
If you're sitting in a scene with the Dominant, using pre written emotes,drying your nails, and channel surfing ...you were never part of the lifestyle anyway. Unfortunately for the REAL person on the other side of the screen...their heart may be very really involved.
The good news is this sort of faker is also too lazy to be bothered with teaching, writing or speaking on the subject. At least not with any intelligence. Anyone can regurgitate someone else's ideas. You actually have to be paying attention and learning to know something worth sharing. Only putting your heart into something can make it real...RL or SL.
I must admit my very first response was the knee jerk Master is trying so hard to teach me out of. The Irish/Italian blood could not help it. How dare anyone think they have the right to try and tell Master what belief to hold in His own Academy. If they dislike it so much, then quit barking, get off your lazy kiester, and start your own school.
But as i said, Master is working very hard to get me out of that too-quick response. I held my tong (ok i let it fly a little here) and took a step back to think. Actually the note came at a very interesting time for me. I have been pondering it for days and finally think i have sorted out a major issue in my head. So i suppose i owe its author a vote of thanks for making me think.
You see, not long before the letter arrived i had been talking with Master. I was feeling very separated from SL. I told Him of how it did not feel real to me anymore. Certainly i cared for the people i met on SL to a certain extent. But only a very VERY select few were real to me. The rest were pretty much two dimensional. The computer that had once been my refuge was reduced to a box. Just a box and nothing to do with real living. I explained to Master that i had been struggling with this ever since i came to live with Him.
Before i met Master in SL, RL was as plain and dull and lifeless as tapioca pudding to me (sorry pudding lovers). Family, work and house chores were my life. By family i mean grown siblings and parents. I had no one in my life romantically. Nor was it an easy thing to socialize. The town i grew up in had two social hubs; the church or the bar.
Drinking games and clumsy passes by drunk college boys stopped being "fun" in my late twenties. Some would say getting old sucks. And since none of the billion churches in the area impressed me enough to be a die hard fan of that either, there goes the other door. I was left with my daily routine and life alone. A small circle of married friends, family, and the computer. Like a million others in SL, i found my social life in pixels and sims rather than pubs and church picnics.
In that moment of my life SL was more than real. It was me making friends, bonding with people, and exploring myself in ways no one can in RL. The fact is, sometimes learning needs to be done on smaller scales. Take away the unnecessary senses of smell, touch, taste...leave the seeing, the hearing and open your mind. Amazing what you learn about yourself that way. And in a land where everyone is beautiful..no one is judged ugly on sight. Only on behavior. Was SL reality to me? It was more than that. It was a connection to the real ME.
All of that of course was before Master. When i met Master He was as pixilated as i was. It wasn't His pixles that won my heart in less than an hour. It was Him. His jokes, His warmth, His honest demeanor. But i was smart. I knew i had just met Him. Believe me i did not surrender to Master that first moment. I had been on years already and was well past newbie nose dives. Master never gave up. Months went by before i finally trusted and believed that someone in the world existed and did care for me.
I loved Him. With all of my heart i had fallen for Him. With new eyes i looked at the life i had been living. A life i resigned to live. The crazy old cat lady alone on the hill. He changed that. Life was not a book i was just trying to get to the end of. It was a road with dreams ahead again. More time went by and finally i took a leap of faith in what my heart and head were telling me.
That is when SL began to change for me. The moment i came into this home and into this life. This was different in ways i could not begin to explain. Laundry and dishes were no long drudgery. These things i do now as my way of showing Master how much i love Him, how grateful i am to Him for the life He gave me here. Living in RL finally became a joy again.
SL had lost its use for me. And up until the arrival of the note, had become almost an eyesore. I was more and more seeing SL and the computer as an "idiot box" with no meaning or purpose outside of supporting Master's dream of the Academy. Flat and cold when compared to Master's warm touch and the joy of living life with Him.
So what about the letter bothered me? Why, if SL is just a bunch of pixles, was i so mad at this person's belief that SL experience in the lifestyle didn't count? I had to think back to the life before i was here. When i fell in love with Him, it was REAL love. Even though at the time i could not kneel at His knee, i surrendered to His will just the same. I obeyed His daily command from a country apart just as i do from across the room. I was a submissive in SL but without a Master i believed in until i met Him. So i learned and trained to be HIS girl before He ever touched me. W/we have been together over a year now and its been the best time of my whole life. That's saying a lot 'cause i aint no spring chicken!
W/we at the castle teach that SL experience is just as valid as RL for that reason. A person does not have to be in the room to touch your life...or even in the same country. Of course before the computer they used books and such. The result is the same...HOW you learn is not nearly as important as WHAT you learn and what you take to heart. Unless i am mistaken, people still go to Sunday school and learn from a book. A book so old no one in the room can claim RL either. But it doesn't make what they learn and take from it any less valid.
THAT SAID...i do have to make a very strong argument about the difference between learning and obsession. Even before Master, i may have let some chores slide but took care of my business too. Its ok to learn the lifestyle in SL. As long as you put SL down and tend to RL too. I can not tell you, as a barren woman, how pissed i get when i hear a woman on open voice yell at her toddler for wanting some attention. The child should never have to compete with the box. Take care of your babies. Take care of your bills and your work and yourself. Learn and explore SL. Just remember it is SECOND life. It doesn't exist without the FIRST one. There is no excuse for letting your RL go to squalor and ruin for the sake of the pixle world. Even those who turn to SL because of physical limitation have an RL. LIVE the first life. Because if you cant live in the first life you were given, you certainly wont get it right in the second one either.
My final sub-stance on this: A submissive can learn the needs, wants, and desires of the Dominant in SL just as well as RL. RL does provide a different level of awareness...but not a more valid one. Of course that is provided the submissive and Dominant BOTH are opening their mind and heart.
If you're sitting in a scene with the Dominant, using pre written emotes,drying your nails, and channel surfing ...you were never part of the lifestyle anyway. Unfortunately for the REAL person on the other side of the screen...their heart may be very really involved.
The good news is this sort of faker is also too lazy to be bothered with teaching, writing or speaking on the subject. At least not with any intelligence. Anyone can regurgitate someone else's ideas. You actually have to be paying attention and learning to know something worth sharing. Only putting your heart into something can make it real...RL or SL.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The Power Sub: Strength, Confidance, Manners, Intellect, And OWNED
Anyone that has been following my blogs already knows two key things about me:
1) I am an owned submissive
2) I have strong opinions and a big mouth!
For the record, i credit Master with both. Yes Master was the one who gave me the voice i have today. I had my opinionated self but He gave me more self assurance than i have ever known AND the ok to use it. I still make absolutely sure He reads each of these before i release them but i am no longer afraid of raining down some form of catastrophe by being strong worded or minded. Lately there has been mumbling in the D/s community about submissives being "too strong" and questions about strong subs being a "headache".
NOW..i have actually heard some "Dom" types insist that a submissive be seen and never heard except in scenes and only when told. They have said that a true submissive obeys everyone and every order and ALWAYS walks with a sense of shy servitude..... Seriously?
While it is every Dominants prerogative to run their House as they see fit, to control their submissives as they deem proper, it also tells a lot about what kind of person they are too. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to think for them self gives the impression they themselves are uneducated. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to have thoughts or ideas gives the impression they themselves are bland and ignorant. And a Dominant who does not teach the submissive self confidence and self reliance gives the impression they themselves are weak and spineless. Afraid that the submissive will learn and surpass them as an individual.
Master is strong, intelligent, and caring. These are, therefore, qualities He values and looks for. Now that i am collared, He makes it a point to teach and guide me in self confidence. He WANTS me to be strong and to be opinionated. He is not afraid of my having these qualities because He already has them AND He is not in competition with me. He owns me. He dictates my life. In His eyes my strength and confidence can only improve O/our bond. Can only strengthen what W/we are and will be together. I become a better submissive to Him because i share His core values and strengths. He has stated before that in His eyes a submissive without thought or voice is the same as a couch.
For those Dominants that like couches: What are you afraid of? What is it about having an intelligent and confidant submissive that gets you so upset? Are you afraid they may leave or try topping from the bottom? Well lets think about this. What message are you sending when you don't want them to be intelligent?..That you are weak. Submissives read this message and if you don't think they will use it against you, think again. You already told them you were weak. They simply have to find a way to top from the bottom that LOOKS submissive.
SO how is it that a Dominant can have and keep a strong submissive in line? How do they avoid having a mouthy unmannered tart but build confidence in the submissive? The key is the word "mannered". Here is the difference and how it works:
When i am out in public, whether it is in class at the castle or out in RL public, i try very hard to remember my manners. I don't have to be shy shrinking violet. I can look a person in the eye and smile. I can answer a question with self confidence and my head up. But i try to ALWAYS remember please, thank you, yes Sir and no Miss. FYI...Sir and Miss can be used in real life public with the vanilla world none the wiser. They are accepted forms of formal greeting to strangers just as they are here.
So submissives take note, you are not submitting to anyone by using these forms. You are showing a perfectly acceptable formal greeting in any language. Being polite should never be confused with submitting.
And that is where some Dominants get confused. Master wants me to be polite. To use my manners and be gracious. I represent not just the school or the sim but HIM. Even if W/we didn't have the sim, i would always represent the owner of my collar and THAT is more important. Point being Master wants the image of U/us to be that of propriety and dignity. It is what W/we believe in and therefore what He wishes to convey. It is NOT a form of me submitting to ANYONE. Dominants: a submissive being polite and warm is NOT flirting. Especially if they are owned. They are being polite. And until a submissive comes right out and said something suggestive, its NOT ok to assume you can order them around. Again..ESPECIALLY if they have a collar.
I will greet you. I will be polite, friendly, and respectful. I expect the same in return. As a collared submissive there is only ONE Dominant in my life. Only one i bow to and only one i submit to. The rest of you ...while i will respect you and be polite to you, while i will use proper etiquette...I see you as my equal. Only Master is above me. Only Master has the right to expect my submission. And as you are my equal i expect to be treated with the same dignity and respect. The moment you treat me as beneath you , threaten O/our family, or treat me as community property to be ordered around at your will..you WILL get my politely dignified boot. Why? Because YOU don't own me. Master does.
Yes, i am VERY loyal to Master. He has earned my deepest love and respect in both worlds. Couch Masters take note of this too: Would you rather have a submissive who bowed to everyone, took every order no matter what it was, and held no one as special? Or would you rather be the undisputed owner of that submissive? A community couch with no boundaries regardless of what you yourself believe (aka a buyable whore, sextoy) or a submissive who chose to bow to you willingly because they felt YOU were the one they could truly trust. A little hint to you; a submissive who has to take time to know you, earn your trust just as you earn theirs will take that collar more than seriously and be more than loyal because the bond has a meaning.
To recap: Don't mistake my manners and polite smile as submission or as weakness. EVER. I may have a soft voice but the moment Master, sissy, the family, home or myself are disrespected..i DO bite. AND i have permission.
What about uncollared submissives? Who owns them? THEY do. THEY have the ultimate decision over who they submit to. Yes uncollared submissive YOU are equal to EVERYONE until you put someone above you and kneel to them. And the moment some ignorant dumbdumb domdom orders you to kneel for them without even knowing your name..you too have the right to blow them a raspberry and walk away.
BUT keep in mind that this power makes YOU responsible for your own actions. If you choose to submit or do a scene, its YOUR responsibility. Period. No nonsense about "i cant say no". You are able to speak and type so you are not stupid. You are aware of what the word NO means and can use it. If you choose not to that's YOUR fault. Be responsible for you first. If you cant show some restraint, some self respect and dignity to YOURSELF you SURE wont be able to show it to a Dominant so you may as well just go home now.
Finally there is this bit about intelligence. I am a very educated, articulate woman who has a career and at 40 years old i have a few ideas and opinions too. I give these to Master because He RESPECTS them and encourages them. He is confidant and recognizes that my greatest happiness is to serve Him. Not compete with Him. I am considering taking scripting classes soon. Master and i both recognize the potential if i am able to learn scripting and come up with new ideas on creations.
So it is that a submissives intelligence can help the Dominant. What the submissive learns, as they grow...they can apply and make the bond with Dominant, make the household and family ...stronger and better for it. He challenges me and never takes my brain for granted. If i had been a couch, a brainless, mindless robot...He would not have given me a second glance. He needs me to be able to tie my own shoes.
.
My final sub-stance on this: I am a strong submissive. I have intelligence, manners, respect and SELF respect. I don't OWE the world or you anything. Least of all submission. That i have already given to Master. He ALONE has the right. Be nice, be respectful and you and i will get along just fine ;)
1) I am an owned submissive
2) I have strong opinions and a big mouth!
For the record, i credit Master with both. Yes Master was the one who gave me the voice i have today. I had my opinionated self but He gave me more self assurance than i have ever known AND the ok to use it. I still make absolutely sure He reads each of these before i release them but i am no longer afraid of raining down some form of catastrophe by being strong worded or minded. Lately there has been mumbling in the D/s community about submissives being "too strong" and questions about strong subs being a "headache".
NOW..i have actually heard some "Dom" types insist that a submissive be seen and never heard except in scenes and only when told. They have said that a true submissive obeys everyone and every order and ALWAYS walks with a sense of shy servitude..... Seriously?
While it is every Dominants prerogative to run their House as they see fit, to control their submissives as they deem proper, it also tells a lot about what kind of person they are too. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to think for them self gives the impression they themselves are uneducated. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to have thoughts or ideas gives the impression they themselves are bland and ignorant. And a Dominant who does not teach the submissive self confidence and self reliance gives the impression they themselves are weak and spineless. Afraid that the submissive will learn and surpass them as an individual.
Master is strong, intelligent, and caring. These are, therefore, qualities He values and looks for. Now that i am collared, He makes it a point to teach and guide me in self confidence. He WANTS me to be strong and to be opinionated. He is not afraid of my having these qualities because He already has them AND He is not in competition with me. He owns me. He dictates my life. In His eyes my strength and confidence can only improve O/our bond. Can only strengthen what W/we are and will be together. I become a better submissive to Him because i share His core values and strengths. He has stated before that in His eyes a submissive without thought or voice is the same as a couch.
For those Dominants that like couches: What are you afraid of? What is it about having an intelligent and confidant submissive that gets you so upset? Are you afraid they may leave or try topping from the bottom? Well lets think about this. What message are you sending when you don't want them to be intelligent?..That you are weak. Submissives read this message and if you don't think they will use it against you, think again. You already told them you were weak. They simply have to find a way to top from the bottom that LOOKS submissive.
SO how is it that a Dominant can have and keep a strong submissive in line? How do they avoid having a mouthy unmannered tart but build confidence in the submissive? The key is the word "mannered". Here is the difference and how it works:
When i am out in public, whether it is in class at the castle or out in RL public, i try very hard to remember my manners. I don't have to be shy shrinking violet. I can look a person in the eye and smile. I can answer a question with self confidence and my head up. But i try to ALWAYS remember please, thank you, yes Sir and no Miss. FYI...Sir and Miss can be used in real life public with the vanilla world none the wiser. They are accepted forms of formal greeting to strangers just as they are here.
So submissives take note, you are not submitting to anyone by using these forms. You are showing a perfectly acceptable formal greeting in any language. Being polite should never be confused with submitting.
And that is where some Dominants get confused. Master wants me to be polite. To use my manners and be gracious. I represent not just the school or the sim but HIM. Even if W/we didn't have the sim, i would always represent the owner of my collar and THAT is more important. Point being Master wants the image of U/us to be that of propriety and dignity. It is what W/we believe in and therefore what He wishes to convey. It is NOT a form of me submitting to ANYONE. Dominants: a submissive being polite and warm is NOT flirting. Especially if they are owned. They are being polite. And until a submissive comes right out and said something suggestive, its NOT ok to assume you can order them around. Again..ESPECIALLY if they have a collar.
I will greet you. I will be polite, friendly, and respectful. I expect the same in return. As a collared submissive there is only ONE Dominant in my life. Only one i bow to and only one i submit to. The rest of you ...while i will respect you and be polite to you, while i will use proper etiquette...I see you as my equal. Only Master is above me. Only Master has the right to expect my submission. And as you are my equal i expect to be treated with the same dignity and respect. The moment you treat me as beneath you , threaten O/our family, or treat me as community property to be ordered around at your will..you WILL get my politely dignified boot. Why? Because YOU don't own me. Master does.
Yes, i am VERY loyal to Master. He has earned my deepest love and respect in both worlds. Couch Masters take note of this too: Would you rather have a submissive who bowed to everyone, took every order no matter what it was, and held no one as special? Or would you rather be the undisputed owner of that submissive? A community couch with no boundaries regardless of what you yourself believe (aka a buyable whore, sextoy) or a submissive who chose to bow to you willingly because they felt YOU were the one they could truly trust. A little hint to you; a submissive who has to take time to know you, earn your trust just as you earn theirs will take that collar more than seriously and be more than loyal because the bond has a meaning.
To recap: Don't mistake my manners and polite smile as submission or as weakness. EVER. I may have a soft voice but the moment Master, sissy, the family, home or myself are disrespected..i DO bite. AND i have permission.
What about uncollared submissives? Who owns them? THEY do. THEY have the ultimate decision over who they submit to. Yes uncollared submissive YOU are equal to EVERYONE until you put someone above you and kneel to them. And the moment some ignorant dumbdumb domdom orders you to kneel for them without even knowing your name..you too have the right to blow them a raspberry and walk away.
BUT keep in mind that this power makes YOU responsible for your own actions. If you choose to submit or do a scene, its YOUR responsibility. Period. No nonsense about "i cant say no". You are able to speak and type so you are not stupid. You are aware of what the word NO means and can use it. If you choose not to that's YOUR fault. Be responsible for you first. If you cant show some restraint, some self respect and dignity to YOURSELF you SURE wont be able to show it to a Dominant so you may as well just go home now.
Finally there is this bit about intelligence. I am a very educated, articulate woman who has a career and at 40 years old i have a few ideas and opinions too. I give these to Master because He RESPECTS them and encourages them. He is confidant and recognizes that my greatest happiness is to serve Him. Not compete with Him. I am considering taking scripting classes soon. Master and i both recognize the potential if i am able to learn scripting and come up with new ideas on creations.
So it is that a submissives intelligence can help the Dominant. What the submissive learns, as they grow...they can apply and make the bond with Dominant, make the household and family ...stronger and better for it. He challenges me and never takes my brain for granted. If i had been a couch, a brainless, mindless robot...He would not have given me a second glance. He needs me to be able to tie my own shoes.
.
My final sub-stance on this: I am a strong submissive. I have intelligence, manners, respect and SELF respect. I don't OWE the world or you anything. Least of all submission. That i have already given to Master. He ALONE has the right. Be nice, be respectful and you and i will get along just fine ;)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Mainstream S&M ala Rihanna?
Casually exploring SL and my box vibrates with a conference IM from Dantelicia Ethaniel of Le Fetiche who asks "Are we getting mainstream?" and then links me to Rihanna's new video "S & M" via YouTube (click to view). Of course my curiosity encouraged me to address the button where I was delighted with an interesting kaliescope of pastel pleasures. The video features the artist whose reputation has been heavily tainted with her brawls with Chris Brown who, parenthetically, has been diligently working to rebuild his reputation after their famed domestic assault reports. Quite an interesting flip of the media's attention where she has often been coddled as a victim of harsh physical treatment. In this video, Rihanna makes it clear that "sticks and stones may break my bones", but words are no match for chains and whips which bring much pleasure to the sex in the air!
I hardly believe that her antics in the video are regular exploratory activities for the pop artist, but they certainly draw attention to a cross over from vanilla into something more risqué. Even though the coloring of the video, with pastels, gives it a sense of parody, I respect her willingness to take back ownership of her identity. She seems to challenge the media and the manner in which they portray her. See seems to be saying "I'm not weak... maybe I liked it!"
I can certainly empathize with the development of an honest sense of self minus the need to be what is socially acceptable in order to feel happy and fulfilled. It is unfortunate that anyone need to hide who they feel they truly are in order to achieve mainstream success. It begs consideration of how success is defined and I believe it begins with what makes you happy and feel good. There is no cookie cutter answer for that. It requires some level of self exploration which might include challenging perceptions of the "dark" side which some often find is not so "dark", and in fact provides a tremendous sense of satisfaction, fulfillment ...and yes, pleasure! If it feels good, being "bad" as Rihanna sings... is it really bad?
Perhaps this question is her way of challenging the mainstream as she invites us to "come on." If she's headed in the direction of self-liberation, I'm right behind her!
cypher Reverie-Ra
Monday, January 31, 2011
Some C&A (Clarification and Advice)
Well about a week ago i wrote a blog about goals and goal setting. Since then it has become a bit of hotbed with submissives at the castle and in many open forums complaining about their Dominants about not being challenged enough. I'm not going to sit here and say that i am so special my blog caused this. I am sure its been in the brew for a while. BUT if anyone has a mind to point to my blog and say "see she said so too"...well i want to clarify myself a tad.
First, my apologies to the Dominants if any thought i was taking aim at Them. The purpose of the blog was to give any Dominant or submissive looking to understand the point of goal setting from a submissives viewpoint. What or how a Dominant chooses to challenge His or Her submissive is THEIR business and THEIR choice.
Submissives: Take note above and please understand i did not write that last blog to imply that submissives have the right to demand ANYTHING from their Dominant. Ever. What your Dominant chooses is what goes. Period.
So there is the clarification and that does bring us to the advice part. Submissives this is for you. Dominants if you do read the rest of this, i do recommend reading Master Mikhail Borgins posting "Our Submissive's Development: Does Our Job Stop After the Collaring?" for a Dominant's perspective.
Ok! So you are a collared submissive and lately you have begun to feel..unhappy. Your Dominant doesn't seem to give you much to do to improve yourself or challenge you. Maybe even spends a lot of time with a sibling that seems to be a hand full and a half. As a submissive myself believe me i do understand that feeling of uselessness. Of being detached from the Dominant and feeling lonely, frustrated, and even unwanted. Be assured you are not the only one to ever have felt this. Be assured as well that you are human and are entitled to your feelings, collar or not. As i teach in my classes the first thing any relationship needs is communication. You need to tell your Dominant how you feel. Unfortunatly some stop listening at this point. PLEASE keep reading!!
Communication is the key, yes! BUT HOW we communicate with our Dominants is the difference between getting a problem solved and creating hell on earth with Them. You want to express to your Dominant that you feel unchallenged and unfulfilled. There are three very bad ways of doing this and one very good way (please note i did NOT say "right" way...there may be other "right" ways but this seems to have worked the best for me so far). I'll start with the "bad ideas."
1) You enter the room and tell your Dominant point blank: I feel unhappy. I want more control from you.
Problem?...You just put YOUR wants and needs and happiness ahead of your Dominant. The ultimate goal and happiness for the submissive is supposed to be serving and pleasing the DOMINANT.
It is possible that your Dominant is VERY happy and pleased with your service and did not see any need to change what is. My sisters and brothers in service this is a COMPLIMENT! At the very least be grateful for it. It means that your Dominant has utmost faith in you, is completely happy with you and you have attained the highest honor of a submissive. Yes i understand it doesn't solve the underlying problem. But i see far too many submissives with great relationships throw everything away because they became more concerned with themselves rather than being grateful for what they had with their Dominant. Gratitude comes in short supply these days. And if you truly are submissive to your Dominant, by He or She telling you They are happy with you should bring you ultimate joy. Submit because you WANT to PLEASE...not jus caus ya like the collar thing.
2) You kneel before your Dominant and say "Master/Mistress You need to control me more. You need to give me more direction. You have to be more firm with me".
Okay whoah nelly. Who exactly runs this outfit anyway? By saying these things you just topped from the bottom. You just told your Dominant how to serve YOU! Maybe you didn't intend for it to sound that way but i GUARANTEE that is exactly what they heard and perceived. Remember it is all about perception. Any time you use the words "you need" and "you have to"...you are telling someone what to do even if the person you are talking to is your best friend or bus driver. So it is absolutely certain that your Dominant will not hear that with any kindness. You don't get to tell your Dominant how to run His or Her household or how to take care of His or Her submissives and that DOES include YOU.
3) You head to the nearest D/s gathering hotspot or open forum and begin spilling your guts. You want advice so you waltz in wearing your collar and your Dominants name and start telling the world how miserable you are, how your Dominant is no help to you, and how do i lose this collar??.
Of all the ways to be irritating and irresponsible....this one irks me the MOST.
For one thing...you're an owned submissive wearing your Dominants name. You just trashed your Dominant in front of the world. You humiliated and disrespected your Dominant in open public. You probably wont have any collar by the next day for sure. Not to mention that a whole bunch of your Dominants friends (who might have been your friends too..and maybe siblings) just lost any respect they may have had for you.
Secondly, you have painted yourself as a drama queen. You aired dirty laundry that no one else needed to hear. Situations only you and your Dominant needed to discuss. If you have siblings i bet they are squirming right now and wondering how much else you threw out into public knowledge. Trust is a very very delicate thing. Its hard to earn, harder to keep, and impossible to fully regain once you screw it up. Mistakes are one thing but intentionally betraying your family and Dominant is inexcusable.
Finally, you also have put anyone in earshot in a bad spot. Any one in the lifestyle,whether they are siblings, part of the household friends, or absolute strangers; by basic code of conduct are expected to report you and any bad behavior to the Dominant. They may not want to really...may not want to be in any way involved. But YOU just put them into that position. In order to show your Dominant the respect YOU didn't show, they have to report you to your Dominant. Just what exactly do you expect to get out of this other than left on the side of the road? Personal business with your Dominant goes ONLY TO YOUR DOMINANT.
So what is the one way i know of that you can talk to your Dominant about your feelings?..First ASK if you can talk to your Dominant about them. Its very possible at that moment they are having their own crisis and cant be there to really listen. Any attempt you make to throw it at them could end up in a fight or worse. Ask to talk to them about how you are feeling and wait for them to say yes. Then when you do talk to them...don't put yourself first in the list of wants or needs. Tell them you feel you are not doing enough for THEM. Tell them you are afraid you are not serving THEM to the best of your abilities. Then if they are kind enough to ask what you might like them to do about it, ask if it would be alright to suggest some new goals or challenges. The point is to make sure that at all times you respect your Dominant, make sure that THEY are the one making the final decisions, and you are not putting your foot in your mouth.
OK! So you did all this. You still have your collar, you were totally respectful many times, and still nothing got done. Either your Dominant came right out and told you They didn't want to make any changes or they seem to be "forgetting" to get around to it (which pretty much means the same thing...its not changing) . Now what? Where do i go for support and advice? How do i deal with this?
You didn't need a whole lot of support and advice when you took that collar. In fact i am pretty sure a few people advised you against it but you did it anyway. The only one who made the decision to be in the relationship is you. The only one you should be looking to get you out of it...is you. I have heard the argument that a submissive may not be happy but "in love". No you re not. Being IN LOVE means you see that person in the ultimate wonderful light. You accept everything about them ..good and bad..as beautiful and wonderful. Clearly if that is not how you feel about the relationship then that is not how you feel about them. But sometimes old habits die hard. Like it or not, if you are not able to find joy in your submission and your Dominant is not helping to achieve that goal then you are in the wrong house. Yes it hurts...especially when we care about others and don't want to hurt them. So don't hurt them.
Don't go from sim to sim telling everyone how you just dumped your Dom. Don't, in fact, tell anyone. Don't tell your Dominant it was all their fault either. Let them know you care but just don't feel that you are being honest in your submission to them and unaccomplished as a submissive. There is no blame to lay here. Pointing fingers at this point about how or why it didn't work is useless and only serves to hurt others. Just lift your chin, softly apologize to them for any hurt, thank them for all of their kindness and time...and walk away like an adult.
Sobbing about it, involving others, and pointing fingers isn't going to solve the problem. Being a mature, responsible adult, taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships, and making a decision like a grown up...This shows grace. This shows poise and dignity. This is how mature adults make a decision that a relationship wont work and end it. No drama, no name calling, no high school BS. Be adult and make a choice. Stay because you find life without them unbearable or go to find the challenge you crave.
And if you choose to stay...Be happy and grateful in your submission. Clearly you and your Dominant have a loving and caring relationship. Challenge yourself. I am pretty sure most true Dominants would not keep you from deciding to pick up a book on scripting or building or knitting for that matter. Choosing to learn a new skill is something most Dominants would be proud of. And never forget...you have treasure in this Dominant. This is someone who loves you and cares for you as you are...true unconditional love. There are literally thousands of submissives in the world who would cut off their left nipple with a safety pin just to spit on your Dominants shoes. But your Dominant chose you. And you built this wonderful thing.
My final sub-stance is this: Taking a collar is a mature adult decision. Being in a relationship at all is a mature, adult decision. Now that you are in it, you need to treat it with the same mature adult manor. Follow the basic code of conduct that is becoming of a submissive. Whether you go or stay, do so with grace and dignity. If you can't handle this lifestyle without having a personal pitty party and disrespecting your Dominant PLEASE go back to being vanilla. We don't need that here.
First, my apologies to the Dominants if any thought i was taking aim at Them. The purpose of the blog was to give any Dominant or submissive looking to understand the point of goal setting from a submissives viewpoint. What or how a Dominant chooses to challenge His or Her submissive is THEIR business and THEIR choice.
Submissives: Take note above and please understand i did not write that last blog to imply that submissives have the right to demand ANYTHING from their Dominant. Ever. What your Dominant chooses is what goes. Period.
So there is the clarification and that does bring us to the advice part. Submissives this is for you. Dominants if you do read the rest of this, i do recommend reading Master Mikhail Borgins posting "Our Submissive's Development: Does Our Job Stop After the Collaring?" for a Dominant's perspective.
Ok! So you are a collared submissive and lately you have begun to feel..unhappy. Your Dominant doesn't seem to give you much to do to improve yourself or challenge you. Maybe even spends a lot of time with a sibling that seems to be a hand full and a half. As a submissive myself believe me i do understand that feeling of uselessness. Of being detached from the Dominant and feeling lonely, frustrated, and even unwanted. Be assured you are not the only one to ever have felt this. Be assured as well that you are human and are entitled to your feelings, collar or not. As i teach in my classes the first thing any relationship needs is communication. You need to tell your Dominant how you feel. Unfortunatly some stop listening at this point. PLEASE keep reading!!
Communication is the key, yes! BUT HOW we communicate with our Dominants is the difference between getting a problem solved and creating hell on earth with Them. You want to express to your Dominant that you feel unchallenged and unfulfilled. There are three very bad ways of doing this and one very good way (please note i did NOT say "right" way...there may be other "right" ways but this seems to have worked the best for me so far). I'll start with the "bad ideas."
1) You enter the room and tell your Dominant point blank: I feel unhappy. I want more control from you.
Problem?...You just put YOUR wants and needs and happiness ahead of your Dominant. The ultimate goal and happiness for the submissive is supposed to be serving and pleasing the DOMINANT.
It is possible that your Dominant is VERY happy and pleased with your service and did not see any need to change what is. My sisters and brothers in service this is a COMPLIMENT! At the very least be grateful for it. It means that your Dominant has utmost faith in you, is completely happy with you and you have attained the highest honor of a submissive. Yes i understand it doesn't solve the underlying problem. But i see far too many submissives with great relationships throw everything away because they became more concerned with themselves rather than being grateful for what they had with their Dominant. Gratitude comes in short supply these days. And if you truly are submissive to your Dominant, by He or She telling you They are happy with you should bring you ultimate joy. Submit because you WANT to PLEASE...not jus caus ya like the collar thing.
2) You kneel before your Dominant and say "Master/Mistress You need to control me more. You need to give me more direction. You have to be more firm with me".
Okay whoah nelly. Who exactly runs this outfit anyway? By saying these things you just topped from the bottom. You just told your Dominant how to serve YOU! Maybe you didn't intend for it to sound that way but i GUARANTEE that is exactly what they heard and perceived. Remember it is all about perception. Any time you use the words "you need" and "you have to"...you are telling someone what to do even if the person you are talking to is your best friend or bus driver. So it is absolutely certain that your Dominant will not hear that with any kindness. You don't get to tell your Dominant how to run His or Her household or how to take care of His or Her submissives and that DOES include YOU.
3) You head to the nearest D/s gathering hotspot or open forum and begin spilling your guts. You want advice so you waltz in wearing your collar and your Dominants name and start telling the world how miserable you are, how your Dominant is no help to you, and how do i lose this collar??.
Of all the ways to be irritating and irresponsible....this one irks me the MOST.
For one thing...you're an owned submissive wearing your Dominants name. You just trashed your Dominant in front of the world. You humiliated and disrespected your Dominant in open public. You probably wont have any collar by the next day for sure. Not to mention that a whole bunch of your Dominants friends (who might have been your friends too..and maybe siblings) just lost any respect they may have had for you.
Secondly, you have painted yourself as a drama queen. You aired dirty laundry that no one else needed to hear. Situations only you and your Dominant needed to discuss. If you have siblings i bet they are squirming right now and wondering how much else you threw out into public knowledge. Trust is a very very delicate thing. Its hard to earn, harder to keep, and impossible to fully regain once you screw it up. Mistakes are one thing but intentionally betraying your family and Dominant is inexcusable.
Finally, you also have put anyone in earshot in a bad spot. Any one in the lifestyle,whether they are siblings, part of the household friends, or absolute strangers; by basic code of conduct are expected to report you and any bad behavior to the Dominant. They may not want to really...may not want to be in any way involved. But YOU just put them into that position. In order to show your Dominant the respect YOU didn't show, they have to report you to your Dominant. Just what exactly do you expect to get out of this other than left on the side of the road? Personal business with your Dominant goes ONLY TO YOUR DOMINANT.
So what is the one way i know of that you can talk to your Dominant about your feelings?..First ASK if you can talk to your Dominant about them. Its very possible at that moment they are having their own crisis and cant be there to really listen. Any attempt you make to throw it at them could end up in a fight or worse. Ask to talk to them about how you are feeling and wait for them to say yes. Then when you do talk to them...don't put yourself first in the list of wants or needs. Tell them you feel you are not doing enough for THEM. Tell them you are afraid you are not serving THEM to the best of your abilities. Then if they are kind enough to ask what you might like them to do about it, ask if it would be alright to suggest some new goals or challenges. The point is to make sure that at all times you respect your Dominant, make sure that THEY are the one making the final decisions, and you are not putting your foot in your mouth.
OK! So you did all this. You still have your collar, you were totally respectful many times, and still nothing got done. Either your Dominant came right out and told you They didn't want to make any changes or they seem to be "forgetting" to get around to it (which pretty much means the same thing...its not changing) . Now what? Where do i go for support and advice? How do i deal with this?
You didn't need a whole lot of support and advice when you took that collar. In fact i am pretty sure a few people advised you against it but you did it anyway. The only one who made the decision to be in the relationship is you. The only one you should be looking to get you out of it...is you. I have heard the argument that a submissive may not be happy but "in love". No you re not. Being IN LOVE means you see that person in the ultimate wonderful light. You accept everything about them ..good and bad..as beautiful and wonderful. Clearly if that is not how you feel about the relationship then that is not how you feel about them. But sometimes old habits die hard. Like it or not, if you are not able to find joy in your submission and your Dominant is not helping to achieve that goal then you are in the wrong house. Yes it hurts...especially when we care about others and don't want to hurt them. So don't hurt them.
Don't go from sim to sim telling everyone how you just dumped your Dom. Don't, in fact, tell anyone. Don't tell your Dominant it was all their fault either. Let them know you care but just don't feel that you are being honest in your submission to them and unaccomplished as a submissive. There is no blame to lay here. Pointing fingers at this point about how or why it didn't work is useless and only serves to hurt others. Just lift your chin, softly apologize to them for any hurt, thank them for all of their kindness and time...and walk away like an adult.
Sobbing about it, involving others, and pointing fingers isn't going to solve the problem. Being a mature, responsible adult, taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships, and making a decision like a grown up...This shows grace. This shows poise and dignity. This is how mature adults make a decision that a relationship wont work and end it. No drama, no name calling, no high school BS. Be adult and make a choice. Stay because you find life without them unbearable or go to find the challenge you crave.
And if you choose to stay...Be happy and grateful in your submission. Clearly you and your Dominant have a loving and caring relationship. Challenge yourself. I am pretty sure most true Dominants would not keep you from deciding to pick up a book on scripting or building or knitting for that matter. Choosing to learn a new skill is something most Dominants would be proud of. And never forget...you have treasure in this Dominant. This is someone who loves you and cares for you as you are...true unconditional love. There are literally thousands of submissives in the world who would cut off their left nipple with a safety pin just to spit on your Dominants shoes. But your Dominant chose you. And you built this wonderful thing.
My final sub-stance is this: Taking a collar is a mature adult decision. Being in a relationship at all is a mature, adult decision. Now that you are in it, you need to treat it with the same mature adult manor. Follow the basic code of conduct that is becoming of a submissive. Whether you go or stay, do so with grace and dignity. If you can't handle this lifestyle without having a personal pitty party and disrespecting your Dominant PLEASE go back to being vanilla. We don't need that here.
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