Mainstream S&M ala Rihanna?

Casually exploring SL and my box vibrates with a conference IM from Dantelicia Ethaniel of Le Fetiche who asks "Are we getting mainstream?" and then links me to Rihanna's new video "S & M" via YouTube (click to view). Of course my curiosity encouraged me to address the button where I was delighted with an interesting kaliescope of pastel pleasures. The video features the artist whose reputation has been heavily tainted with her brawls with Chris Brown who, parenthetically, has been diligently working to rebuild his reputation after their famed domestic assault reports. Quite an interesting flip of the media's attention where she has often been coddled as a victim of harsh physical treatment. In this video, Rihanna makes it clear that "sticks and stones may break my bones", but words are no match for chains and whips which bring much pleasure to the sex in the air!

I hardly believe that her antics in the video are regular exploratory activities for the pop artist, but they certainly draw attention to a cross over from vanilla into something more risqué. Even though the coloring of the video, with pastels, gives it a sense of parody, I respect her willingness to take back ownership of her identity. She seems to challenge the media and the manner in which they portray her. See seems to be saying "I'm not weak... maybe I liked it!"

I can certainly empathize with the development of an honest sense of self minus the need to be what is socially acceptable in order to feel happy and fulfilled. It is unfortunate that anyone need to hide who they feel they truly are in order to achieve mainstream success. It begs consideration of how success is defined and I believe it begins with what makes you happy and feel good. There is no cookie cutter answer for that. It requires some level of self exploration which might include challenging perceptions of the "dark" side which some often find is not so "dark", and in fact provides a tremendous sense of satisfaction, fulfillment ...and yes, pleasure! If it feels good, being "bad" as Rihanna sings... is it really bad?

Perhaps this question is her way of challenging the mainstream as she invites us to "come on." If she's headed in the direction of self-liberation, I'm right behind her!

cypher Reverie-Ra

Achieving Balance in TPE Relationships

Sir Zano Irata recently held a discussion on achieving balance in TPE relationships. The timing of this talk was especially important to me as Master and I work through the typical growing pains all relationships experience. Sir Zano suggested that prior to achieving true balance, both Dominant and submissive need a strong idea of their self worth. "It is impossible and unreasonable to expect the dominant to be perfect;" he stated and added, “there is no true TPE relationship where the power is all on one side. The capabilities and desires of the participants are vital. It is these and not some idealised vision that should drive the relationship."

Discussion participants engaged in a fruitful dialogue about the scales ever tipping on one side or the other of the relationship and each individual grows within it. "A “perfect” dominant and slave would be extremely boring," one participant offered, as the group explored the inevitability of human error and the importance of all parties being willing to accept accountability for their weaknesses and to work together to create routines and rituals that allow all to feel safe and supported. Sir Zano offered, "In a healthy D/s relationship, the dominant will be in control but will empower the submissive in certain areas. These areas will depend upon the talents of both..." As talents are encouraged and developed, these roles might be shared or even exchanged and the process can cause the relationship to lose equilibirum. The group seemed to agree that this is normal, however; the key is ongoing communication, commitment to overcoming the obstacles together and ongoing strengthening of trust.

Mountains only exist because of the valleys between them. It is impossible to have one without the other. Acceptance that change is a lifetime experience allows us to accept the valleys as a necessary obstacle to climb the mountaintop ahead and should inspire a deeper connection and understanding of one another. Inevitably the scales will tip from one side to the other, enjoying the equanimity at middle ground and using those times to adjust and evolve, allows our relationships to flower, grow and achieve harmony.

cypher Reverie-Ra

"the Happy Ending" with Jay Wiseman

A few weeks ago, I was intrigued by a notice announcing a live interview at THE FORUM with Jay Wiseman (Avatar: Jay Composer) author of books such as the "Erotic Bondage Handbook" and "SM 101" amongst others. It was my first introduction to the author and producer of several instructional DVDs on Bondage.

Questions from participants ranged from inquiries about the nonsexual aspects of BDSM, to opinions on an elitest view of real lifestylers versus virtual ones. In response to the seperation, he responded, "..."the Internet has decreased the relevanceof geography...you [are able to] meet a kindred spirit in a way that you would not otherwise; there is the potential for great satisfaction and great pain in online relationships." Sir Jay went on to discuss Second Life as a way to explore and I readily cosigned this view. Internet connections and relationships, especially in Second Life have opened a window of exploration which has set free many closeted and curious lifestylers unsure of ways to experience these deep rooted urges, thoughts and ways of being. Many of these connections allow an acceptace of self that facilitates growth and participation in both lives for individuals who might never have ventured away from their vanilla lives to truly discover who they are.

I was most impressed with Sir Jay's description of what he calls the " Happy Ending Model" of BDSM. He discussed the importance of healthy and positively received outcomes at the end of a scene "...once the session is over are people at peace about it and if so why? If not, why? If they are happy and not too much risk was involved... then the outcome is reasonably ok." As I processed his words my thoughts were that this "outcome measure" should extend across any TPE relationship whether in a scene or not. Of course this is true of commited mono or poly families and may not be true for single night episodes of fun filled kink. Nevertheless, mutual respect appears to be the point here and something that can, unfortunately be neglected when priorty on the *people* involved in *any* relationship is neglected. Irregardless of what your preferrences are relative to Dominance, submission, kink or fetish, a mutual understanding of one another's needs, desires, limits and expectations is essential. This might also mean that the relationship will experience struggles as all members grow and develop individually and within the relationship. Sir Jay adds,"...challeges are universal [in all relationships] although the way of achieving the desired outcome is more personal and individual....there is a role for dissecting things and looking at nuiances and then synthesizing what you've discovered and incorporating that into what you are doing."

Additional dialogue was facilitated around the success rate of D/s relationships over vanilla relationships which is attributable to the level of trust expected and required for a true submission to occur. More than in typical relationships and marriages, there is a willingnes to trust, be self accountable and expressive about feelings that is often absent in other relationships. It’s hard to imagine how a positive outcome could not be achieved under those circumstances as this type of commitment.

Although some lifestylers might cringe at the idea of a "fairytale ending" Having dialogued with Sir Jay and other very vocal and opinionated lifestylers W/we seem to aspire to live happily ever after.

cypher Reverie-Ra

Turned...Away?!? Sexual Violence Awareness Exhibit

16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence

"Is This Turning You On" Exhibit

Upon entering the black silouetted door you are greeted with the words: "So, tell me... Is this turning you on?". Once inside, the exhibit begins with a quote from Audre Lourde and two photographs of couples dancing and kissing which serve as a contrast to the graphic depictions offered in the rest of the exhibit. According to Lourde's quote: "Sadomasochism is an insititutionalized celebration of dominant/subordinate relationships, and it prepares us either to accept subordination or to enforce dominance. Even in play, to affirm that the exertion of power over powerlessness is erotic, is empowering, is to set the emoitional and social stage for the continuation of that relationship, politically, socially and economically."

Accompanying the exhibit of photographs, are short descriptive paragraphs written in almost poetic prose which offer examples of various HUDs and animations available for performing very graphic and violent sexual acts. Panels show demonstrations via photos of animations for impaling, crucifixtion, castration and Dolcett play (which involves dismembering the subordinate and preparing the remains as if to eat them). According to the exhibit, there are more than 400 groups in Second Life which advertise some form of rape, snuff and Dolcett play.

The goal of the exhibit, to expose representations of gender violence in SL, is achieved. As part of the "16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence," an annual event which began in 1991, the exhibit also sheds a one sided view on a complex subject. I am in full support of the campaign slogan " say NO to abuse and YES to respect." However, I fear that the exhibit might cause visitors to lump a group of people in one category to which many will not belong.

I absolutely, positively and unequivocally do not support abuse of any kind. If it is not consensual between both parties, and if all activity between those individuals are not voluntary, informed, consensual, safe, and sane it is abuse. Many of the photographs and acts on display were trememdously disturbing to me. I can not fathom finding sexual pleasure or enjoyment from such violent acts, but as an active participant in the D/s lifestyle would I also be considered subjugated and abused? Although part of the logo for the 16 day event says "Women Unite!" my guess would be "yes," thus finding another opportunity to judge and seperate me from the general population.

I have not always been a "lifestyler" and had my own preconceived notions prior to having the opportunity to experience it for myself. Like any other thing in life, there are some things that I like that others find unattractive or beyond their limits and there are some things that I don't like that others enjoy very much. Submission was, is and has always been a choice for me. Submssion to me means trusting my Dom fully to care for my needs and in exchange for confidently assuming that responsibility, I care for His. How we care for each other's needs is really noone else's business and not open for judgement or debate. I don't feel its fair, or even appropriate to place a blanket label on anyone for how they choose to live their life. I do not support battery or abuse of anyone. In those cases, I try to see their humanity and offer support and/or protection if they will allow it. However, it is a submissive's responsibility to educate herself /himself (refusing to believe everything s/he hears or reads); and to trust reputable sources, while making up their own mind about what is the truth.

We are the only ones who can live our lives. We are the only ones who can make decisions about the course our lives take. We are the only ones who enjoy the benefits or suffer the consquences of those choices.

In deciding what is right or wrong about anything, remember humans are wrought with imperfection. Its the nature of our being. IF you BELIEVE someone IS being abused, the most loving and supportive thing you can do is to approach without judgement, open to understanding. Exclusion only furthers the abuse. United we stand... divided.... well, just more of the same...