Judgment Day

A Lifestyle is the term for the customs, rules, habits and values by which one lives everyday life. Those who live the D/s lifestyle are no different. We have certain rules and values we live by and customs unique to our beliefs.
But to understand the lifestyle of D/s one needs to understand what it is first. Often it is mistaken for abuse, weakness and anti feminism. These misconceptions could not be further from the truth. And it is the judgments made by people who are ignorant to the lifestyle that hurt the integrity of the lifestyle the most.

D/s stands for Dominant and submissive. In the custom of this lifestyle one person; the submissive, gives control of themselves to a Dominant. A Dominant is one who is very strong willed, decisive,  and who thrives on providing care and training to others. Dominants have many other traits as well but the base trait is that they get ultimate pleasure from being in control of the the relationship and of the submissive.
Before the lynching begins understand this: a submissive gives this control willingly. It is a desire in themselves to give all they are and all they wish to be to a Dominants guidance. It is part of their nature to want to please and need the feeling of security that someone is in charge. They willingly submit themselves to this service. BUT it is the Dominants responsibility to provide the submissive with protection, guidance and training through life to help them be the best people they can.
D/s is never abusive. D/s is a relationship between two consenting adults. Point of fact one of the most common mantras in the D/s lifestyle is "Safe, Sane, and Consensual".
Too often "domination" is confused with abuse such as savage beatings from anger and forced work. True Dominance has nothing to do with this.
A trained and informed Dominant cares for their submissive, loves and cherishes the gift the submissive gives. They teach a submissive to overcome obstacles, past emotional issues, and self doubt among other things. While they do this, they give support and protection. If a Dominant gives a rule such as a bed time for the submissive chances are its because the submissive needs more sleep in order to be healthier and is not taking care of that themself.
Bare in mind that this does not make the submissive "weak" or "stupid" or incapable of living on their own. On the contrary. Submissives tend to be extremely educated and intelligent. Most, in fact, hold high power jobs and are in control of a great deal. But they tend to ignore their own needs in favor of others needs and even put themselves dead last in care. They are strong to be sure. A submissive needs to be strong enough to kneel. Certainly strong enough to give that trust to a Dominant.
But in a relationship they crave to give that control. They need to feel they have a safe and loving heart to turn to that will take the burdens and fears away. Someone who will guide them and take control of the relationship. Most of all someone who takes pleasure in them and is proud of their talents. She or he lives to make the Dominant happy.
So what about this relationship is so taboo? The fact that it is also rooted in BDSM. D/s lifestylers engage in different levels of bondism during sexual and personal relationship exchanges. Keep in mind this is fetish and kink NOT abuse. In a healthy relationship the Dominant and submissive spend time sharing those personal desires and build a bond of trust.
A submissive who has spent time with and placed trust in a Dominant will allow themself to be tied or cuffed without any fear that the Dominant will cause them physical harm. In fact they are clear and know that the Dominant is going to bring them complete pleasure by making them "helpless" in the encounter.
Understand there are different levels of kink in this lifestyle and the difficult part is meeting someone who has matching desires and needs. A submissive who enjoys spankings during sex is not going to find happiness with a Dominant that refuses to do this. This is one of the big reasons why bonds formed in D/s tend to be very very strong. The time it takes to build this trust, share this information with each other, and build that level of adoration that makes a submissive kneel.
So what about "womens rights"? If a woman has a right to choose then why can she not choose to give her love to a Dominant? What is so awful about her LOVING to cook and clean for Him? And for the record: not JUST women are submissive. There are many men who enjoy giving control to a Dominant woman. In fact D/s has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Gay and lesbian D/s exsists too.
 D/s is a MINDSET. A submissive person who craves the control and pleasures of a Dominant. A Dominant person who craves that adoration and the challenge of taking charge.
Finally "Safe and Sane". Obviously this is a lifestyle in which certain unsavory and unkind people can hide. A trained submissive learns things such as limits and safewords. Limits are the things one is willing or unwilling to do in the confines of a relationship. Finding a Dominant that shares these limits is key. Again if a submissive has a limit against being spanked and that is a fetish of the Dominant the relationship wont work. Knowing your personal limits and taking time to know a person, share that information before being in a dangerous situation is the "sane" part.
Safewords are words chosen that when spoken by the submissive indicate they have become uncomfortable with the play and in an area that makes them frightened or angry. Once a safeword is spoken by a submissive, a Dominant should stop the scene at once and talk with the submissive. The Dominant would be wise to find out what about the play was upsetting to the submissive because this will give the Dom an indication of possible hidden fears and walls that need to be worked on. Or perhaps the submissive has discovered a new hard limit they were not aware of befor. Whatever the reason a safeword is given, the first response should always be that the play is stopped and the submissive's limits respected.
Kink is something everyone (even the most vanilla of people) have. Its just that some folks admit it and some dont. The levels of kink or fetish can be as simple as enjoying someone giving them foot adoration (kissing etc. of the feet and toes) to extreme levels of bondage including chains, rough sex, whippings and humiliation. The key here is that it is between consenting adults who find these kinks essential to sexual pleasure. No one has the right to tell you your personal kink is wrong or bad (unless it causes real harm to innocent people who had no intention of being in the situation). It is NOT abuse if i WILLINGLY choose to let my Dominant cane me because it brings me pleasure. This is what the vanilla world has issue with and can not seem to see past.
The bottom line and my personal sub-stance: before you judge another persons lifestyle or personal fetish ask yourself if your opinion has any merit. Is it really your place to judge what does not concern you? Would you let someone else make judgment about your sexplay and relationships that was not involved? Sure its ok to have an opinion...but i have one too, and a right to my personal life choices so unless someone asks for your opinion..AND you speak from real fact...keep it zipped ;)

~= Education & Books =~

Hello ACES,

I’ve been asked recently to recommend educational books on BDSM. This is a list books recommend for *both* Dominants and subs/slaves/switches and everything in between. You can find these books on amazon.com, barnes&nobles.com, half.com, etc. Try google as well.

Any questions? You know where to find me.

→ SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

→ Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

→ When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

→ The Control Book by Peter Masters

→ The Loving Dominant by John Warren

→ The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

→ Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame

→ SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin

→ The New Topping Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

→ Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

→ Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Brannon

→ Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califa

→ Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders by Lucy Fairbourne

~= Jay Wiseman SL Interview =~

On October 24th 2010 Jay Wiseman, the author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction," came in to Second Life for a live, voice interview. It was a wonderful event with 80 people from all over the world taking part. The audio recording of the interview can be found by clicking here.

You can also read Cat Sadayappan’s article, "Jay Wiseman in SL," which was published after the event took place and before the link above was available.

Enjoy!

~= Nursing School & BDSM =~

Our nursing school teachers decided to torture us with an assignment to make up a story using medical terminology. Of course mine had to be BDSM related because life is just too short not to turn a bit of hell (nursing school) into some fun. I had to read it to the entire class, which was uhmm, stimulating (I heard one girl say under her breath "This is making me feel so hot.") Fun indeed! The medical term is to the left. The translation of the medical term is directly to the right inside the parenthesis.

Q Ante H.S. (Every Night Before Bed)

She loved gazing with deep pexy (fixation) into his occuli (eyes), deep into his crani (head) right into his psyche (mind) searching for something in him, something occult (hidden). What was it about him that induced a rush of hemato (blood) and an overwhelming sensation of hyperpyrexia (high fever) with a mere glance from him? She did not know, but she would find out any way she could.

Fore (before, in front of) he stood with his head hyperextended toward the floor, he held his cephalo (head) steady only following carefully with his eyes as she paced in front of him. He dare not utter a word or move a myo (muscle) and as time passed he felt as if he had aphagia (difficulty swallowing) from polydipsia (excessive thirst). After what seemed an eternity of silence she placed her right carpa (hand) carefully on his shoulder with fingers juxta (near, close to) the base of his cervic (neck). Her cool touch on his derm (skin) made his pupils dilate and his body shiver. With a slight mischievous grin, she put slight pressure guiding him comfortably down to his patellae (knee caps). He let out a deep sigh happy to be back in his rightful place where he always knew he belonged, at her feet and at her service. He was so grateful a single lachry (tear) fell from his right ocul (eye).

She moved closer to him, extending her leg and in graceful planter flexion tracing in smooth kenises (motion) a thin line from his knee up his inner thigh right into his orhci (testes) giving him a megalo (large) erection. She could not help from letting out a content laugh at his erect member and upon hearing her, he felt the derma (skin) on his face suddenly turn hyperuerythmic (very red). Amused at his blushing but not satisfied with his reaction, she pressed firmly into him causing him to let out a yelp, increasing his heart rate ten-fold, making his grasto (stomach) turn, making both her stomato (mouth) and colpo (vagina) water. Eyes gleaming, indulging in his reaction, she assessed his respirations, the rapid rise and fall of his thorax (chest), patiently waiting for his dyspneic (difficulty breathing) state to return to eupnea (normal breathing).

He could feel so heavily her occuli (eyes) all around him bathing him, but still he dared not look up to her, never without her command or without her permission. Inside of him, retroperitoneal (behind the abdominal area), a wonderful warmpth swirled filling his cardi (heart) with a joy so profound he felt as though he was soaring calmly through all space and time. In this infinite space he waited suspended and servile for her storm to crash over him wreaking sublime algia (pain) once again. Every cyte (cell) in his body longed for it... he craved it again and again.

She moved suddenly past him and just as he inhaled deeply trying to take in her scent, she returned with a cart of metal covered in a single perfect leuko (white) sheet. What was on this tray he could not see. All he could hear was the calm water swishing in the soft breeze created when she delicately removed the sheet. With each sound she made while preparing her metal table, his pulse elevated and breathing increased. She graced past him with purpose and as he heard the sound of donning gloves behind him, hyperpirexia (high fever) quickly took hold of him again. Leaning down next to his left oto (ear), she carefully moved her long soft hair aside and commanded, “Into knee-chest position, now!”

-Jovial Denimore

The Power Owned

The Power Owned

The power "owned" is mine
to do as i see fit
But if i take collar that binds
i must then remind
i am no longer the keeper
of it.
        ---Sarrah Darkfold


A silly little poem perhaps but something of a "hot button" topic at the castle of late. In my first post i touched on the fact that as a submissive i have given myself completely to my Master. For those just learning this means entirely. And it is just that point that some of the newer submissive members are having an issue with.

How much do you give the Dominant? Everything. They are the ones that hold all power once that collar has been accepted by the submissive. The Dominant is the one who makes the decisions, the Dominant is the one who gives the orders, and the Dominant is the one that defines all the rules of the House. This includes all the rules that govern the life of the submissive. That is what the term "to submit" means. To surrender power to the will of another.

Obviously it behooves the submissive to take her or his sweet time in choosing exactly who should be given this very costly gift. Make sure this person is one you would consider a friend and soul you trust with your life because that is what you are giving. And then make darn tootin sure you have a full power exchange set out before you allow that collar to be placed.

For those who have not read up on a power exchange in the front page of the Solace website: A full power exchange is, in effect, a contractual agreement between the Dominant and submissive as to what each expects of the relationship, needs from the relationship, and the hard limits that each has within said relationship. This is where you lay all cards on the table as to what you will agree to or not. And if at this point you don't agree with something the Dominant wants from you...go home before you even get started. Once you have given your vows to the Dominant and accepted their terms in the form of wearing the collar you belong to them.
I say this because it would seem some new submissives have the impression they can change a Dominants mind once they are collared or control the Dominant through manipulation such as refusing pleasure. This, in the lifestyle, is called topping from the bottom. And no Dominant likes a topper. Whether it is in the real or virtual world makes no difference either. If you agree to the Dominants demand that you wear what They please you are bound to that agreement. If you agree to adhere to a daily exercise routine then you are bound to it. Any attempt after the fact to try and change this agreement is a break of trust with that Dominant and grounds for them to uncollar and send you packin.
But it goes further than this too. Once collared, a submissive must give control of all decisions to that Dominant. Even if the submissive is not happy with a decision and has expressed (with respect please) to the Dominant why they are not comfortable with that decision...that decision is still up to the Dominant. In the end..whether the submissive likes the idea or not they are bound to obey. So now we see the wisdom in making very sure the Dominant you submit to is one that is compatible with you too. One who has similar opinions and ideas, who has similar tastes and needs, and one you have come to know well enough to respect even if the rare moment comes that you don't agree.


Keep in mind this is not a vanilla marriage where everything is even-stevens. Whats good for the goose is up to the goose and the gander accepts what is given. Simply put: the submissive does not own the Dominant. The Dominant owns the submissive.
All of this at first glance may make it seem almost pointless to be a submissive. Why hand the power of my life over to some one and not be able to have a say in what THEY do? Well first...if you truly are submissive then this is something you already want and need in a relationship. Second...the life of a Dominant is no bowl of cherries. Consider this:
The life of a submissive is in His or Her hand. Submissives are not dogs you feed twice a day and take for an afternoon run or fish you toss food at once a day and forget. Submissives are humans who have lives. They have family, work, baggage, history, fears, needs (both emotional and physical), desires, and above all ...issues. When a Dominant accepts the gift offered...the gift of a submissives life..they are taking ALL of this as their responsibility. They are accepting that any decision they make and order they give that person comes back to them. If They make a poor judgement, the failure that comes from that judgment is Their failure. If a submissive is emotionally (or worse, physically) harmed by following the Dominants order it is on the head of the Dominant. And finally all the submissives baggage is now the Dominants responsibility too. It is the Dominant who must find ways to teach the submissive, protect the submissive, help them grow, explore, improve, and be healthy in all ways.
Suddenly being a Dominant isn't so easy. It is a massive responsibility. A submissive may find it hard to obey certain orders...even painful..but that same order may be just as hard for the Dominant to give. Keep in mind a submissive is also the Dominants treasure and joy. Giving a hard order in an attempt to improve that submissives life can be more gut wrenching to have to hand down then to follow if only because when you love someone it is sometimes hard to do what is best for them. And THAT is the power of true positive Domination. The ability to lift up a submissive and make them better than they were or thought possible through loving guidance.
It is that loving guidance, my sisters and brothers, that we as submissives need and seek. One who loves us enough to be strong for us and WITH us if necessary. One strong enough to take responsibility from us so that we don't need to feel the burden of life's "issues" or at the very least not feel them nearly so much. It is not our place to tell the Dominant what decisions to make, what to do, or how to do it. Because we didn't want it to be our place. When we take that collar and offer ourselves as the ultimate gift we hand complete power of ownership to the Dominant so that they CAN Dominate us.
My final stance on this: If you are not able to accept becoming owned completely by another, then do not take a collar. You are not ready to be submissive.

Turned...Away?!? Sexual Violence Awareness Exhibit

16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence

"Is This Turning You On" Exhibit

Upon entering the black silouetted door you are greeted with the words: "So, tell me... Is this turning you on?". Once inside, the exhibit begins with a quote from Audre Lourde and two photographs of couples dancing and kissing which serve as a contrast to the graphic depictions offered in the rest of the exhibit. According to Lourde's quote: "Sadomasochism is an insititutionalized celebration of dominant/subordinate relationships, and it prepares us either to accept subordination or to enforce dominance. Even in play, to affirm that the exertion of power over powerlessness is erotic, is empowering, is to set the emoitional and social stage for the continuation of that relationship, politically, socially and economically."

Accompanying the exhibit of photographs, are short descriptive paragraphs written in almost poetic prose which offer examples of various HUDs and animations available for performing very graphic and violent sexual acts. Panels show demonstrations via photos of animations for impaling, crucifixtion, castration and Dolcett play (which involves dismembering the subordinate and preparing the remains as if to eat them). According to the exhibit, there are more than 400 groups in Second Life which advertise some form of rape, snuff and Dolcett play.

The goal of the exhibit, to expose representations of gender violence in SL, is achieved. As part of the "16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence," an annual event which began in 1991, the exhibit also sheds a one sided view on a complex subject. I am in full support of the campaign slogan " say NO to abuse and YES to respect." However, I fear that the exhibit might cause visitors to lump a group of people in one category to which many will not belong.

I absolutely, positively and unequivocally do not support abuse of any kind. If it is not consensual between both parties, and if all activity between those individuals are not voluntary, informed, consensual, safe, and sane it is abuse. Many of the photographs and acts on display were trememdously disturbing to me. I can not fathom finding sexual pleasure or enjoyment from such violent acts, but as an active participant in the D/s lifestyle would I also be considered subjugated and abused? Although part of the logo for the 16 day event says "Women Unite!" my guess would be "yes," thus finding another opportunity to judge and seperate me from the general population.

I have not always been a "lifestyler" and had my own preconceived notions prior to having the opportunity to experience it for myself. Like any other thing in life, there are some things that I like that others find unattractive or beyond their limits and there are some things that I don't like that others enjoy very much. Submission was, is and has always been a choice for me. Submssion to me means trusting my Dom fully to care for my needs and in exchange for confidently assuming that responsibility, I care for His. How we care for each other's needs is really noone else's business and not open for judgement or debate. I don't feel its fair, or even appropriate to place a blanket label on anyone for how they choose to live their life. I do not support battery or abuse of anyone. In those cases, I try to see their humanity and offer support and/or protection if they will allow it. However, it is a submissive's responsibility to educate herself /himself (refusing to believe everything s/he hears or reads); and to trust reputable sources, while making up their own mind about what is the truth.

We are the only ones who can live our lives. We are the only ones who can make decisions about the course our lives take. We are the only ones who enjoy the benefits or suffer the consquences of those choices.

In deciding what is right or wrong about anything, remember humans are wrought with imperfection. Its the nature of our being. IF you BELIEVE someone IS being abused, the most loving and supportive thing you can do is to approach without judgement, open to understanding. Exclusion only furthers the abuse. United we stand... divided.... well, just more of the same...

~= Happy 1 Year Anniversary A.C.E.S. =~

On December 6th, 2009, the Adult Community Education Society was founded. One year ago today, JeZeBeLe Dagger, Jovial Denimore, and Rory Glenwalker embarked on a mission to bring our communities together through education. This is our story.

Rory commented that he hated sifting through the group notices to find classes and wished there was a group for educational events only. I told him it was a brilliant idea and to get started on that right away. Quiet, and stunned at my order for several long minutes, he finally confessed he had no idea how to begin doing such a thing. I told him he could get started on a name for the group, or an emblem, or the group charter- however it was he felt most comfortable.

A few days later he came to me with an idea for an emblem, a rose, and some ideas about what this educational group’s goals would be. During this time I myself started to become excited about the possibilities for this kind of group. I always hated segregation and competition between sims. I always hated sims who were so competitive and hungry for traffic that they would shun you from their “community’ if someone else saw you enjoying time at another sim. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have always understood that tiers are expensive and very difficult to break even on from parties, donations, vendors, etc. I understood that for many, their sim was their only source of income in FL. These things still did not in my mind justify people feeling like they had to stay at one single sim for fear of being shunned, banned, or worse! And do I really need to mention the abuse that was constantly going on all over SL due to the lack of education, support systems, and understanding of our Lifestyle?? I was excited about this group because it was based on something that was so fundamentally essential for building bridges between groups of people all while empowering them as individuals. Knowledge gives people strength and courage. Education brings us together and helps us appreciate one another, to say the very least!

After about a week or two of brainstorming with Rory, JeZeBeLe lets me know that she’s been thinking about starting an educational group. She had been a part of these kinds of collaborations before and even founded such groups like Teaching Without Boarders. JeZeBeLe, having experience in building education for many years as well as having extensive experience as an educational coordinator, wanted to bring the same into our adult community. I told her it was an amazing coincidence she had been thinking about the same thought Rory had been working on for a couple of weeks. Probably that night or the day after, JeZeBeLe gave me the name “Adult Community Education Society” A.C.E.S. and I was in love. Pretty much immediately after that, she generously invited me into the group as co-owner. The three of us were Founders and full of hope and inspiration, we had been born into this SL world.

JeZeBeLe, Rory, and I began working out a solid Mission Statement right away. We had several drafts we shared back and forth until we had something all three of us felt really good about. Then we started working on what it was we wanted to do and how to convey that clearly so that when we told others about who we were and what we were trying to do, they could understand and say, “That is wonderful and I want to be a part of that!” After many drafts we came up with this and what it is now:

“The Adult Community Education Society exists to provide and promote education for everyone, regardless of sexual identity, race, species, or lifestyle, and to build support systems, provide resources, encourage respect, networking, empowerment, and growth. A.C.E.S. seeks to expand and enhance knowledge, appreciation and respect for the ADULT Community in Second Life. We accomplish this by sharing our own knowledge and enthusiasm with those who are honestly and respectfully seeking the same through sponsorship, leadership or participation in educational opportunities such as lectures, seminars, presentations or discussions in SL focused on ADULT education regardless of SIM or group affiliation.”

In the mean time, I went to work spreading the word. At that time, I was already touring sims as an educator, visiting as many as I could. A.C.E.S. started with Isle of Shadows, Bonanza, and D/s Academy. There were also people who were holding regular discussion type chats who offered to put group joiners in their parcels to help support our mission. As more people heard about my classes, the more I would receive invitations from various sims all over SL to hold educational events. Sometimes it was at places where they had never held educational events, sometimes in random malls, sometimes in someone’s back yard. It was so much fun and I enjoyed what I was doing very much. I was busy 7 days a week! Pretty much every sim were I was a regular educator, the Adult Community Education Society was warmly welcomed. These sim owners were supportive and allowed us to place our group joiner- the lovely red ACE of Hearts card that JeZeBeLe designed for us. From then on, every discussion group or lecture I gave started with a small introduction to what A.C.E.S. was and an offer to join the group. Back then regulars of my classes were happy to join while those new to adult education in SL were not so interested.

Then I once again started to attend classes I saw postings for in the general BDSM notice groups and ones in the general SL calendar. I’d invite sims that I enjoyed attending classes at regularly and invited educators I felt offered good information and resources to others. I looked for educators who were community-positive and were passionate about helping others. I invited those who understood foundations of trust, care, informed consent, and respect. Sometimes I would get turned away, sometimes my IMs would go unanswered and notecards would get trashed (this still happens by the way). Most of the time though I was welcomed, even when people still were not quite sure this group and this idea would work (this too still happens by the way). JeZeBeLe was also busy spreading the word in the building/scripting education community and any other place she felt would be good as well. All three of us were balancing our FLs with our passion for what we were trying to do. It is true what is said that if you really love what you do, it doesn’t feel like have worked a single day.

The very first time I was attending a class were I saw people wearing our A.C.E.S. tags I was extremely delighted. I could not stop smiling and inside I was jumping up and down saying, “Thats US!!!!” It was a wonderful feeling to get IMs and notecards from members telling me how grateful and happy they were to find A.C.E.S. Sim owners and educational coordinators for sims would tell me how excited they were to see sim traffic increase and because of that, they planned on holding more educational events. Slowly and steadily we grew. As more people spread the word about A.C.E.S., the more members would join, the more educators/sim owners would ask to be a part of the group, the more our community felt like a community. We came together to share, to learn, to grow, and for friendship. One of my favorite things is going from one sim to another, seeing the same people and meeting new ones all the time. We get to know each other both as educators and as students eager to grow and feel connected to each other and ourselves. We are free and safe to explore and share who we are.

Of course there are always issues behind the scenes and I have always tried my very best to remain neutral while keeping the focus on education and reaching out to others and not being blinded by other people's (and mine for that matter) personal issues past or present. Yes, it is very hard but I will not give up what I believe in- everyone has something to contribute, knowledge brings us together, education empowers us and is for everyone, and that we are better when we come together and work as a community.

As of today, our 1 Year Anniversary this 6th day of December 2010, we are 665 members and growing.

We could never begin to express how much we appreciate every single one of you for believing in us and growing with us along the way. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have learned all I have because of all of you. JeZeBeLe and Rory, you inspire me deeply and I am better person because of both of you- thank you for your guidance and love. We hope to see continued growth and collaboration between all people in the SL Community. I will leave you now with one of my most very favorite quotes of all time...

“If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it.”- Winston Churchill

With deep respect and admiration,

Jovial Denimore