Recently a letter arrived to Master complaining that some teachers and lecturers have no RL experience. Solace Castle has always held that SL and RL experience are both valid and true. This person blatantly stated they did not believe that SL experience in the lifestyle actually counted and were disappointed in O/our stand.
I must admit my very first response was the knee jerk Master is trying so hard to teach me out of. The Irish/Italian blood could not help it. How dare anyone think they have the right to try and tell Master what belief to hold in His own Academy. If they dislike it so much, then quit barking, get off your lazy kiester, and start your own school.
But as i said, Master is working very hard to get me out of that too-quick response. I held my tong (ok i let it fly a little here) and took a step back to think. Actually the note came at a very interesting time for me. I have been pondering it for days and finally think i have sorted out a major issue in my head. So i suppose i owe its author a vote of thanks for making me think.
You see, not long before the letter arrived i had been talking with Master. I was feeling very separated from SL. I told Him of how it did not feel real to me anymore. Certainly i cared for the people i met on SL to a certain extent. But only a very VERY select few were real to me. The rest were pretty much two dimensional. The computer that had once been my refuge was reduced to a box. Just a box and nothing to do with real living. I explained to Master that i had been struggling with this ever since i came to live with Him.
Before i met Master in SL, RL was as plain and dull and lifeless as tapioca pudding to me (sorry pudding lovers). Family, work and house chores were my life. By family i mean grown siblings and parents. I had no one in my life romantically. Nor was it an easy thing to socialize. The town i grew up in had two social hubs; the church or the bar.
Drinking games and clumsy passes by drunk college boys stopped being "fun" in my late twenties. Some would say getting old sucks. And since none of the billion churches in the area impressed me enough to be a die hard fan of that either, there goes the other door. I was left with my daily routine and life alone. A small circle of married friends, family, and the computer. Like a million others in SL, i found my social life in pixels and sims rather than pubs and church picnics.
In that moment of my life SL was more than real. It was me making friends, bonding with people, and exploring myself in ways no one can in RL. The fact is, sometimes learning needs to be done on smaller scales. Take away the unnecessary senses of smell, touch, taste...leave the seeing, the hearing and open your mind. Amazing what you learn about yourself that way. And in a land where everyone is beautiful..no one is judged ugly on sight. Only on behavior. Was SL reality to me? It was more than that. It was a connection to the real ME.
All of that of course was before Master. When i met Master He was as pixilated as i was. It wasn't His pixles that won my heart in less than an hour. It was Him. His jokes, His warmth, His honest demeanor. But i was smart. I knew i had just met Him. Believe me i did not surrender to Master that first moment. I had been on years already and was well past newbie nose dives. Master never gave up. Months went by before i finally trusted and believed that someone in the world existed and did care for me.
I loved Him. With all of my heart i had fallen for Him. With new eyes i looked at the life i had been living. A life i resigned to live. The crazy old cat lady alone on the hill. He changed that. Life was not a book i was just trying to get to the end of. It was a road with dreams ahead again. More time went by and finally i took a leap of faith in what my heart and head were telling me.
That is when SL began to change for me. The moment i came into this home and into this life. This was different in ways i could not begin to explain. Laundry and dishes were no long drudgery. These things i do now as my way of showing Master how much i love Him, how grateful i am to Him for the life He gave me here. Living in RL finally became a joy again.
SL had lost its use for me. And up until the arrival of the note, had become almost an eyesore. I was more and more seeing SL and the computer as an "idiot box" with no meaning or purpose outside of supporting Master's dream of the Academy. Flat and cold when compared to Master's warm touch and the joy of living life with Him.
So what about the letter bothered me? Why, if SL is just a bunch of pixles, was i so mad at this person's belief that SL experience in the lifestyle didn't count? I had to think back to the life before i was here. When i fell in love with Him, it was REAL love. Even though at the time i could not kneel at His knee, i surrendered to His will just the same. I obeyed His daily command from a country apart just as i do from across the room. I was a submissive in SL but without a Master i believed in until i met Him. So i learned and trained to be HIS girl before He ever touched me. W/we have been together over a year now and its been the best time of my whole life. That's saying a lot 'cause i aint no spring chicken!
W/we at the castle teach that SL experience is just as valid as RL for that reason. A person does not have to be in the room to touch your life...or even in the same country. Of course before the computer they used books and such. The result is the same...HOW you learn is not nearly as important as WHAT you learn and what you take to heart. Unless i am mistaken, people still go to Sunday school and learn from a book. A book so old no one in the room can claim RL either. But it doesn't make what they learn and take from it any less valid.
THAT SAID...i do have to make a very strong argument about the difference between learning and obsession. Even before Master, i may have let some chores slide but took care of my business too. Its ok to learn the lifestyle in SL. As long as you put SL down and tend to RL too. I can not tell you, as a barren woman, how pissed i get when i hear a woman on open voice yell at her toddler for wanting some attention. The child should never have to compete with the box. Take care of your babies. Take care of your bills and your work and yourself. Learn and explore SL. Just remember it is SECOND life. It doesn't exist without the FIRST one. There is no excuse for letting your RL go to squalor and ruin for the sake of the pixle world. Even those who turn to SL because of physical limitation have an RL. LIVE the first life. Because if you cant live in the first life you were given, you certainly wont get it right in the second one either.
My final sub-stance on this: A submissive can learn the needs, wants, and desires of the Dominant in SL just as well as RL. RL does provide a different level of awareness...but not a more valid one. Of course that is provided the submissive and Dominant BOTH are opening their mind and heart.
If you're sitting in a scene with the Dominant, using pre written emotes,drying your nails, and channel surfing ...you were never part of the lifestyle anyway. Unfortunately for the REAL person on the other side of the screen...their heart may be very really involved.
The good news is this sort of faker is also too lazy to be bothered with teaching, writing or speaking on the subject. At least not with any intelligence. Anyone can regurgitate someone else's ideas. You actually have to be paying attention and learning to know something worth sharing. Only putting your heart into something can make it real...RL or SL.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The Power Sub: Strength, Confidance, Manners, Intellect, And OWNED
Anyone that has been following my blogs already knows two key things about me:
1) I am an owned submissive
2) I have strong opinions and a big mouth!
For the record, i credit Master with both. Yes Master was the one who gave me the voice i have today. I had my opinionated self but He gave me more self assurance than i have ever known AND the ok to use it. I still make absolutely sure He reads each of these before i release them but i am no longer afraid of raining down some form of catastrophe by being strong worded or minded. Lately there has been mumbling in the D/s community about submissives being "too strong" and questions about strong subs being a "headache".
NOW..i have actually heard some "Dom" types insist that a submissive be seen and never heard except in scenes and only when told. They have said that a true submissive obeys everyone and every order and ALWAYS walks with a sense of shy servitude..... Seriously?
While it is every Dominants prerogative to run their House as they see fit, to control their submissives as they deem proper, it also tells a lot about what kind of person they are too. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to think for them self gives the impression they themselves are uneducated. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to have thoughts or ideas gives the impression they themselves are bland and ignorant. And a Dominant who does not teach the submissive self confidence and self reliance gives the impression they themselves are weak and spineless. Afraid that the submissive will learn and surpass them as an individual.
Master is strong, intelligent, and caring. These are, therefore, qualities He values and looks for. Now that i am collared, He makes it a point to teach and guide me in self confidence. He WANTS me to be strong and to be opinionated. He is not afraid of my having these qualities because He already has them AND He is not in competition with me. He owns me. He dictates my life. In His eyes my strength and confidence can only improve O/our bond. Can only strengthen what W/we are and will be together. I become a better submissive to Him because i share His core values and strengths. He has stated before that in His eyes a submissive without thought or voice is the same as a couch.
For those Dominants that like couches: What are you afraid of? What is it about having an intelligent and confidant submissive that gets you so upset? Are you afraid they may leave or try topping from the bottom? Well lets think about this. What message are you sending when you don't want them to be intelligent?..That you are weak. Submissives read this message and if you don't think they will use it against you, think again. You already told them you were weak. They simply have to find a way to top from the bottom that LOOKS submissive.
SO how is it that a Dominant can have and keep a strong submissive in line? How do they avoid having a mouthy unmannered tart but build confidence in the submissive? The key is the word "mannered". Here is the difference and how it works:
When i am out in public, whether it is in class at the castle or out in RL public, i try very hard to remember my manners. I don't have to be shy shrinking violet. I can look a person in the eye and smile. I can answer a question with self confidence and my head up. But i try to ALWAYS remember please, thank you, yes Sir and no Miss. FYI...Sir and Miss can be used in real life public with the vanilla world none the wiser. They are accepted forms of formal greeting to strangers just as they are here.
So submissives take note, you are not submitting to anyone by using these forms. You are showing a perfectly acceptable formal greeting in any language. Being polite should never be confused with submitting.
And that is where some Dominants get confused. Master wants me to be polite. To use my manners and be gracious. I represent not just the school or the sim but HIM. Even if W/we didn't have the sim, i would always represent the owner of my collar and THAT is more important. Point being Master wants the image of U/us to be that of propriety and dignity. It is what W/we believe in and therefore what He wishes to convey. It is NOT a form of me submitting to ANYONE. Dominants: a submissive being polite and warm is NOT flirting. Especially if they are owned. They are being polite. And until a submissive comes right out and said something suggestive, its NOT ok to assume you can order them around. Again..ESPECIALLY if they have a collar.
I will greet you. I will be polite, friendly, and respectful. I expect the same in return. As a collared submissive there is only ONE Dominant in my life. Only one i bow to and only one i submit to. The rest of you ...while i will respect you and be polite to you, while i will use proper etiquette...I see you as my equal. Only Master is above me. Only Master has the right to expect my submission. And as you are my equal i expect to be treated with the same dignity and respect. The moment you treat me as beneath you , threaten O/our family, or treat me as community property to be ordered around at your will..you WILL get my politely dignified boot. Why? Because YOU don't own me. Master does.
Yes, i am VERY loyal to Master. He has earned my deepest love and respect in both worlds. Couch Masters take note of this too: Would you rather have a submissive who bowed to everyone, took every order no matter what it was, and held no one as special? Or would you rather be the undisputed owner of that submissive? A community couch with no boundaries regardless of what you yourself believe (aka a buyable whore, sextoy) or a submissive who chose to bow to you willingly because they felt YOU were the one they could truly trust. A little hint to you; a submissive who has to take time to know you, earn your trust just as you earn theirs will take that collar more than seriously and be more than loyal because the bond has a meaning.
To recap: Don't mistake my manners and polite smile as submission or as weakness. EVER. I may have a soft voice but the moment Master, sissy, the family, home or myself are disrespected..i DO bite. AND i have permission.
What about uncollared submissives? Who owns them? THEY do. THEY have the ultimate decision over who they submit to. Yes uncollared submissive YOU are equal to EVERYONE until you put someone above you and kneel to them. And the moment some ignorant dumbdumb domdom orders you to kneel for them without even knowing your name..you too have the right to blow them a raspberry and walk away.
BUT keep in mind that this power makes YOU responsible for your own actions. If you choose to submit or do a scene, its YOUR responsibility. Period. No nonsense about "i cant say no". You are able to speak and type so you are not stupid. You are aware of what the word NO means and can use it. If you choose not to that's YOUR fault. Be responsible for you first. If you cant show some restraint, some self respect and dignity to YOURSELF you SURE wont be able to show it to a Dominant so you may as well just go home now.
Finally there is this bit about intelligence. I am a very educated, articulate woman who has a career and at 40 years old i have a few ideas and opinions too. I give these to Master because He RESPECTS them and encourages them. He is confidant and recognizes that my greatest happiness is to serve Him. Not compete with Him. I am considering taking scripting classes soon. Master and i both recognize the potential if i am able to learn scripting and come up with new ideas on creations.
So it is that a submissives intelligence can help the Dominant. What the submissive learns, as they grow...they can apply and make the bond with Dominant, make the household and family ...stronger and better for it. He challenges me and never takes my brain for granted. If i had been a couch, a brainless, mindless robot...He would not have given me a second glance. He needs me to be able to tie my own shoes.
.
My final sub-stance on this: I am a strong submissive. I have intelligence, manners, respect and SELF respect. I don't OWE the world or you anything. Least of all submission. That i have already given to Master. He ALONE has the right. Be nice, be respectful and you and i will get along just fine ;)
1) I am an owned submissive
2) I have strong opinions and a big mouth!
For the record, i credit Master with both. Yes Master was the one who gave me the voice i have today. I had my opinionated self but He gave me more self assurance than i have ever known AND the ok to use it. I still make absolutely sure He reads each of these before i release them but i am no longer afraid of raining down some form of catastrophe by being strong worded or minded. Lately there has been mumbling in the D/s community about submissives being "too strong" and questions about strong subs being a "headache".
NOW..i have actually heard some "Dom" types insist that a submissive be seen and never heard except in scenes and only when told. They have said that a true submissive obeys everyone and every order and ALWAYS walks with a sense of shy servitude..... Seriously?
While it is every Dominants prerogative to run their House as they see fit, to control their submissives as they deem proper, it also tells a lot about what kind of person they are too. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to think for them self gives the impression they themselves are uneducated. A Dominant who does not allow the submissive to have thoughts or ideas gives the impression they themselves are bland and ignorant. And a Dominant who does not teach the submissive self confidence and self reliance gives the impression they themselves are weak and spineless. Afraid that the submissive will learn and surpass them as an individual.
Master is strong, intelligent, and caring. These are, therefore, qualities He values and looks for. Now that i am collared, He makes it a point to teach and guide me in self confidence. He WANTS me to be strong and to be opinionated. He is not afraid of my having these qualities because He already has them AND He is not in competition with me. He owns me. He dictates my life. In His eyes my strength and confidence can only improve O/our bond. Can only strengthen what W/we are and will be together. I become a better submissive to Him because i share His core values and strengths. He has stated before that in His eyes a submissive without thought or voice is the same as a couch.
For those Dominants that like couches: What are you afraid of? What is it about having an intelligent and confidant submissive that gets you so upset? Are you afraid they may leave or try topping from the bottom? Well lets think about this. What message are you sending when you don't want them to be intelligent?..That you are weak. Submissives read this message and if you don't think they will use it against you, think again. You already told them you were weak. They simply have to find a way to top from the bottom that LOOKS submissive.
SO how is it that a Dominant can have and keep a strong submissive in line? How do they avoid having a mouthy unmannered tart but build confidence in the submissive? The key is the word "mannered". Here is the difference and how it works:
When i am out in public, whether it is in class at the castle or out in RL public, i try very hard to remember my manners. I don't have to be shy shrinking violet. I can look a person in the eye and smile. I can answer a question with self confidence and my head up. But i try to ALWAYS remember please, thank you, yes Sir and no Miss. FYI...Sir and Miss can be used in real life public with the vanilla world none the wiser. They are accepted forms of formal greeting to strangers just as they are here.
So submissives take note, you are not submitting to anyone by using these forms. You are showing a perfectly acceptable formal greeting in any language. Being polite should never be confused with submitting.
And that is where some Dominants get confused. Master wants me to be polite. To use my manners and be gracious. I represent not just the school or the sim but HIM. Even if W/we didn't have the sim, i would always represent the owner of my collar and THAT is more important. Point being Master wants the image of U/us to be that of propriety and dignity. It is what W/we believe in and therefore what He wishes to convey. It is NOT a form of me submitting to ANYONE. Dominants: a submissive being polite and warm is NOT flirting. Especially if they are owned. They are being polite. And until a submissive comes right out and said something suggestive, its NOT ok to assume you can order them around. Again..ESPECIALLY if they have a collar.
I will greet you. I will be polite, friendly, and respectful. I expect the same in return. As a collared submissive there is only ONE Dominant in my life. Only one i bow to and only one i submit to. The rest of you ...while i will respect you and be polite to you, while i will use proper etiquette...I see you as my equal. Only Master is above me. Only Master has the right to expect my submission. And as you are my equal i expect to be treated with the same dignity and respect. The moment you treat me as beneath you , threaten O/our family, or treat me as community property to be ordered around at your will..you WILL get my politely dignified boot. Why? Because YOU don't own me. Master does.
Yes, i am VERY loyal to Master. He has earned my deepest love and respect in both worlds. Couch Masters take note of this too: Would you rather have a submissive who bowed to everyone, took every order no matter what it was, and held no one as special? Or would you rather be the undisputed owner of that submissive? A community couch with no boundaries regardless of what you yourself believe (aka a buyable whore, sextoy) or a submissive who chose to bow to you willingly because they felt YOU were the one they could truly trust. A little hint to you; a submissive who has to take time to know you, earn your trust just as you earn theirs will take that collar more than seriously and be more than loyal because the bond has a meaning.
To recap: Don't mistake my manners and polite smile as submission or as weakness. EVER. I may have a soft voice but the moment Master, sissy, the family, home or myself are disrespected..i DO bite. AND i have permission.
What about uncollared submissives? Who owns them? THEY do. THEY have the ultimate decision over who they submit to. Yes uncollared submissive YOU are equal to EVERYONE until you put someone above you and kneel to them. And the moment some ignorant dumbdumb domdom orders you to kneel for them without even knowing your name..you too have the right to blow them a raspberry and walk away.
BUT keep in mind that this power makes YOU responsible for your own actions. If you choose to submit or do a scene, its YOUR responsibility. Period. No nonsense about "i cant say no". You are able to speak and type so you are not stupid. You are aware of what the word NO means and can use it. If you choose not to that's YOUR fault. Be responsible for you first. If you cant show some restraint, some self respect and dignity to YOURSELF you SURE wont be able to show it to a Dominant so you may as well just go home now.
Finally there is this bit about intelligence. I am a very educated, articulate woman who has a career and at 40 years old i have a few ideas and opinions too. I give these to Master because He RESPECTS them and encourages them. He is confidant and recognizes that my greatest happiness is to serve Him. Not compete with Him. I am considering taking scripting classes soon. Master and i both recognize the potential if i am able to learn scripting and come up with new ideas on creations.
So it is that a submissives intelligence can help the Dominant. What the submissive learns, as they grow...they can apply and make the bond with Dominant, make the household and family ...stronger and better for it. He challenges me and never takes my brain for granted. If i had been a couch, a brainless, mindless robot...He would not have given me a second glance. He needs me to be able to tie my own shoes.
.
My final sub-stance on this: I am a strong submissive. I have intelligence, manners, respect and SELF respect. I don't OWE the world or you anything. Least of all submission. That i have already given to Master. He ALONE has the right. Be nice, be respectful and you and i will get along just fine ;)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Mainstream S&M ala Rihanna?
Casually exploring SL and my box vibrates with a conference IM from Dantelicia Ethaniel of Le Fetiche who asks "Are we getting mainstream?" and then links me to Rihanna's new video "S & M" via YouTube (click to view). Of course my curiosity encouraged me to address the button where I was delighted with an interesting kaliescope of pastel pleasures. The video features the artist whose reputation has been heavily tainted with her brawls with Chris Brown who, parenthetically, has been diligently working to rebuild his reputation after their famed domestic assault reports. Quite an interesting flip of the media's attention where she has often been coddled as a victim of harsh physical treatment. In this video, Rihanna makes it clear that "sticks and stones may break my bones", but words are no match for chains and whips which bring much pleasure to the sex in the air!
I hardly believe that her antics in the video are regular exploratory activities for the pop artist, but they certainly draw attention to a cross over from vanilla into something more risqué. Even though the coloring of the video, with pastels, gives it a sense of parody, I respect her willingness to take back ownership of her identity. She seems to challenge the media and the manner in which they portray her. See seems to be saying "I'm not weak... maybe I liked it!"
I can certainly empathize with the development of an honest sense of self minus the need to be what is socially acceptable in order to feel happy and fulfilled. It is unfortunate that anyone need to hide who they feel they truly are in order to achieve mainstream success. It begs consideration of how success is defined and I believe it begins with what makes you happy and feel good. There is no cookie cutter answer for that. It requires some level of self exploration which might include challenging perceptions of the "dark" side which some often find is not so "dark", and in fact provides a tremendous sense of satisfaction, fulfillment ...and yes, pleasure! If it feels good, being "bad" as Rihanna sings... is it really bad?
Perhaps this question is her way of challenging the mainstream as she invites us to "come on." If she's headed in the direction of self-liberation, I'm right behind her!
cypher Reverie-Ra
Monday, January 31, 2011
Some C&A (Clarification and Advice)
Well about a week ago i wrote a blog about goals and goal setting. Since then it has become a bit of hotbed with submissives at the castle and in many open forums complaining about their Dominants about not being challenged enough. I'm not going to sit here and say that i am so special my blog caused this. I am sure its been in the brew for a while. BUT if anyone has a mind to point to my blog and say "see she said so too"...well i want to clarify myself a tad.
First, my apologies to the Dominants if any thought i was taking aim at Them. The purpose of the blog was to give any Dominant or submissive looking to understand the point of goal setting from a submissives viewpoint. What or how a Dominant chooses to challenge His or Her submissive is THEIR business and THEIR choice.
Submissives: Take note above and please understand i did not write that last blog to imply that submissives have the right to demand ANYTHING from their Dominant. Ever. What your Dominant chooses is what goes. Period.
So there is the clarification and that does bring us to the advice part. Submissives this is for you. Dominants if you do read the rest of this, i do recommend reading Master Mikhail Borgins posting "Our Submissive's Development: Does Our Job Stop After the Collaring?" for a Dominant's perspective.
Ok! So you are a collared submissive and lately you have begun to feel..unhappy. Your Dominant doesn't seem to give you much to do to improve yourself or challenge you. Maybe even spends a lot of time with a sibling that seems to be a hand full and a half. As a submissive myself believe me i do understand that feeling of uselessness. Of being detached from the Dominant and feeling lonely, frustrated, and even unwanted. Be assured you are not the only one to ever have felt this. Be assured as well that you are human and are entitled to your feelings, collar or not. As i teach in my classes the first thing any relationship needs is communication. You need to tell your Dominant how you feel. Unfortunatly some stop listening at this point. PLEASE keep reading!!
Communication is the key, yes! BUT HOW we communicate with our Dominants is the difference between getting a problem solved and creating hell on earth with Them. You want to express to your Dominant that you feel unchallenged and unfulfilled. There are three very bad ways of doing this and one very good way (please note i did NOT say "right" way...there may be other "right" ways but this seems to have worked the best for me so far). I'll start with the "bad ideas."
1) You enter the room and tell your Dominant point blank: I feel unhappy. I want more control from you.
Problem?...You just put YOUR wants and needs and happiness ahead of your Dominant. The ultimate goal and happiness for the submissive is supposed to be serving and pleasing the DOMINANT.
It is possible that your Dominant is VERY happy and pleased with your service and did not see any need to change what is. My sisters and brothers in service this is a COMPLIMENT! At the very least be grateful for it. It means that your Dominant has utmost faith in you, is completely happy with you and you have attained the highest honor of a submissive. Yes i understand it doesn't solve the underlying problem. But i see far too many submissives with great relationships throw everything away because they became more concerned with themselves rather than being grateful for what they had with their Dominant. Gratitude comes in short supply these days. And if you truly are submissive to your Dominant, by He or She telling you They are happy with you should bring you ultimate joy. Submit because you WANT to PLEASE...not jus caus ya like the collar thing.
2) You kneel before your Dominant and say "Master/Mistress You need to control me more. You need to give me more direction. You have to be more firm with me".
Okay whoah nelly. Who exactly runs this outfit anyway? By saying these things you just topped from the bottom. You just told your Dominant how to serve YOU! Maybe you didn't intend for it to sound that way but i GUARANTEE that is exactly what they heard and perceived. Remember it is all about perception. Any time you use the words "you need" and "you have to"...you are telling someone what to do even if the person you are talking to is your best friend or bus driver. So it is absolutely certain that your Dominant will not hear that with any kindness. You don't get to tell your Dominant how to run His or Her household or how to take care of His or Her submissives and that DOES include YOU.
3) You head to the nearest D/s gathering hotspot or open forum and begin spilling your guts. You want advice so you waltz in wearing your collar and your Dominants name and start telling the world how miserable you are, how your Dominant is no help to you, and how do i lose this collar??.
Of all the ways to be irritating and irresponsible....this one irks me the MOST.
For one thing...you're an owned submissive wearing your Dominants name. You just trashed your Dominant in front of the world. You humiliated and disrespected your Dominant in open public. You probably wont have any collar by the next day for sure. Not to mention that a whole bunch of your Dominants friends (who might have been your friends too..and maybe siblings) just lost any respect they may have had for you.
Secondly, you have painted yourself as a drama queen. You aired dirty laundry that no one else needed to hear. Situations only you and your Dominant needed to discuss. If you have siblings i bet they are squirming right now and wondering how much else you threw out into public knowledge. Trust is a very very delicate thing. Its hard to earn, harder to keep, and impossible to fully regain once you screw it up. Mistakes are one thing but intentionally betraying your family and Dominant is inexcusable.
Finally, you also have put anyone in earshot in a bad spot. Any one in the lifestyle,whether they are siblings, part of the household friends, or absolute strangers; by basic code of conduct are expected to report you and any bad behavior to the Dominant. They may not want to really...may not want to be in any way involved. But YOU just put them into that position. In order to show your Dominant the respect YOU didn't show, they have to report you to your Dominant. Just what exactly do you expect to get out of this other than left on the side of the road? Personal business with your Dominant goes ONLY TO YOUR DOMINANT.
So what is the one way i know of that you can talk to your Dominant about your feelings?..First ASK if you can talk to your Dominant about them. Its very possible at that moment they are having their own crisis and cant be there to really listen. Any attempt you make to throw it at them could end up in a fight or worse. Ask to talk to them about how you are feeling and wait for them to say yes. Then when you do talk to them...don't put yourself first in the list of wants or needs. Tell them you feel you are not doing enough for THEM. Tell them you are afraid you are not serving THEM to the best of your abilities. Then if they are kind enough to ask what you might like them to do about it, ask if it would be alright to suggest some new goals or challenges. The point is to make sure that at all times you respect your Dominant, make sure that THEY are the one making the final decisions, and you are not putting your foot in your mouth.
OK! So you did all this. You still have your collar, you were totally respectful many times, and still nothing got done. Either your Dominant came right out and told you They didn't want to make any changes or they seem to be "forgetting" to get around to it (which pretty much means the same thing...its not changing) . Now what? Where do i go for support and advice? How do i deal with this?
You didn't need a whole lot of support and advice when you took that collar. In fact i am pretty sure a few people advised you against it but you did it anyway. The only one who made the decision to be in the relationship is you. The only one you should be looking to get you out of it...is you. I have heard the argument that a submissive may not be happy but "in love". No you re not. Being IN LOVE means you see that person in the ultimate wonderful light. You accept everything about them ..good and bad..as beautiful and wonderful. Clearly if that is not how you feel about the relationship then that is not how you feel about them. But sometimes old habits die hard. Like it or not, if you are not able to find joy in your submission and your Dominant is not helping to achieve that goal then you are in the wrong house. Yes it hurts...especially when we care about others and don't want to hurt them. So don't hurt them.
Don't go from sim to sim telling everyone how you just dumped your Dom. Don't, in fact, tell anyone. Don't tell your Dominant it was all their fault either. Let them know you care but just don't feel that you are being honest in your submission to them and unaccomplished as a submissive. There is no blame to lay here. Pointing fingers at this point about how or why it didn't work is useless and only serves to hurt others. Just lift your chin, softly apologize to them for any hurt, thank them for all of their kindness and time...and walk away like an adult.
Sobbing about it, involving others, and pointing fingers isn't going to solve the problem. Being a mature, responsible adult, taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships, and making a decision like a grown up...This shows grace. This shows poise and dignity. This is how mature adults make a decision that a relationship wont work and end it. No drama, no name calling, no high school BS. Be adult and make a choice. Stay because you find life without them unbearable or go to find the challenge you crave.
And if you choose to stay...Be happy and grateful in your submission. Clearly you and your Dominant have a loving and caring relationship. Challenge yourself. I am pretty sure most true Dominants would not keep you from deciding to pick up a book on scripting or building or knitting for that matter. Choosing to learn a new skill is something most Dominants would be proud of. And never forget...you have treasure in this Dominant. This is someone who loves you and cares for you as you are...true unconditional love. There are literally thousands of submissives in the world who would cut off their left nipple with a safety pin just to spit on your Dominants shoes. But your Dominant chose you. And you built this wonderful thing.
My final sub-stance is this: Taking a collar is a mature adult decision. Being in a relationship at all is a mature, adult decision. Now that you are in it, you need to treat it with the same mature adult manor. Follow the basic code of conduct that is becoming of a submissive. Whether you go or stay, do so with grace and dignity. If you can't handle this lifestyle without having a personal pitty party and disrespecting your Dominant PLEASE go back to being vanilla. We don't need that here.
First, my apologies to the Dominants if any thought i was taking aim at Them. The purpose of the blog was to give any Dominant or submissive looking to understand the point of goal setting from a submissives viewpoint. What or how a Dominant chooses to challenge His or Her submissive is THEIR business and THEIR choice.
Submissives: Take note above and please understand i did not write that last blog to imply that submissives have the right to demand ANYTHING from their Dominant. Ever. What your Dominant chooses is what goes. Period.
So there is the clarification and that does bring us to the advice part. Submissives this is for you. Dominants if you do read the rest of this, i do recommend reading Master Mikhail Borgins posting "Our Submissive's Development: Does Our Job Stop After the Collaring?" for a Dominant's perspective.
Ok! So you are a collared submissive and lately you have begun to feel..unhappy. Your Dominant doesn't seem to give you much to do to improve yourself or challenge you. Maybe even spends a lot of time with a sibling that seems to be a hand full and a half. As a submissive myself believe me i do understand that feeling of uselessness. Of being detached from the Dominant and feeling lonely, frustrated, and even unwanted. Be assured you are not the only one to ever have felt this. Be assured as well that you are human and are entitled to your feelings, collar or not. As i teach in my classes the first thing any relationship needs is communication. You need to tell your Dominant how you feel. Unfortunatly some stop listening at this point. PLEASE keep reading!!
Communication is the key, yes! BUT HOW we communicate with our Dominants is the difference between getting a problem solved and creating hell on earth with Them. You want to express to your Dominant that you feel unchallenged and unfulfilled. There are three very bad ways of doing this and one very good way (please note i did NOT say "right" way...there may be other "right" ways but this seems to have worked the best for me so far). I'll start with the "bad ideas."
1) You enter the room and tell your Dominant point blank: I feel unhappy. I want more control from you.
Problem?...You just put YOUR wants and needs and happiness ahead of your Dominant. The ultimate goal and happiness for the submissive is supposed to be serving and pleasing the DOMINANT.
It is possible that your Dominant is VERY happy and pleased with your service and did not see any need to change what is. My sisters and brothers in service this is a COMPLIMENT! At the very least be grateful for it. It means that your Dominant has utmost faith in you, is completely happy with you and you have attained the highest honor of a submissive. Yes i understand it doesn't solve the underlying problem. But i see far too many submissives with great relationships throw everything away because they became more concerned with themselves rather than being grateful for what they had with their Dominant. Gratitude comes in short supply these days. And if you truly are submissive to your Dominant, by He or She telling you They are happy with you should bring you ultimate joy. Submit because you WANT to PLEASE...not jus caus ya like the collar thing.
2) You kneel before your Dominant and say "Master/Mistress You need to control me more. You need to give me more direction. You have to be more firm with me".
Okay whoah nelly. Who exactly runs this outfit anyway? By saying these things you just topped from the bottom. You just told your Dominant how to serve YOU! Maybe you didn't intend for it to sound that way but i GUARANTEE that is exactly what they heard and perceived. Remember it is all about perception. Any time you use the words "you need" and "you have to"...you are telling someone what to do even if the person you are talking to is your best friend or bus driver. So it is absolutely certain that your Dominant will not hear that with any kindness. You don't get to tell your Dominant how to run His or Her household or how to take care of His or Her submissives and that DOES include YOU.
3) You head to the nearest D/s gathering hotspot or open forum and begin spilling your guts. You want advice so you waltz in wearing your collar and your Dominants name and start telling the world how miserable you are, how your Dominant is no help to you, and how do i lose this collar??.
Of all the ways to be irritating and irresponsible....this one irks me the MOST.
For one thing...you're an owned submissive wearing your Dominants name. You just trashed your Dominant in front of the world. You humiliated and disrespected your Dominant in open public. You probably wont have any collar by the next day for sure. Not to mention that a whole bunch of your Dominants friends (who might have been your friends too..and maybe siblings) just lost any respect they may have had for you.
Secondly, you have painted yourself as a drama queen. You aired dirty laundry that no one else needed to hear. Situations only you and your Dominant needed to discuss. If you have siblings i bet they are squirming right now and wondering how much else you threw out into public knowledge. Trust is a very very delicate thing. Its hard to earn, harder to keep, and impossible to fully regain once you screw it up. Mistakes are one thing but intentionally betraying your family and Dominant is inexcusable.
Finally, you also have put anyone in earshot in a bad spot. Any one in the lifestyle,whether they are siblings, part of the household friends, or absolute strangers; by basic code of conduct are expected to report you and any bad behavior to the Dominant. They may not want to really...may not want to be in any way involved. But YOU just put them into that position. In order to show your Dominant the respect YOU didn't show, they have to report you to your Dominant. Just what exactly do you expect to get out of this other than left on the side of the road? Personal business with your Dominant goes ONLY TO YOUR DOMINANT.
So what is the one way i know of that you can talk to your Dominant about your feelings?..First ASK if you can talk to your Dominant about them. Its very possible at that moment they are having their own crisis and cant be there to really listen. Any attempt you make to throw it at them could end up in a fight or worse. Ask to talk to them about how you are feeling and wait for them to say yes. Then when you do talk to them...don't put yourself first in the list of wants or needs. Tell them you feel you are not doing enough for THEM. Tell them you are afraid you are not serving THEM to the best of your abilities. Then if they are kind enough to ask what you might like them to do about it, ask if it would be alright to suggest some new goals or challenges. The point is to make sure that at all times you respect your Dominant, make sure that THEY are the one making the final decisions, and you are not putting your foot in your mouth.
OK! So you did all this. You still have your collar, you were totally respectful many times, and still nothing got done. Either your Dominant came right out and told you They didn't want to make any changes or they seem to be "forgetting" to get around to it (which pretty much means the same thing...its not changing) . Now what? Where do i go for support and advice? How do i deal with this?
You didn't need a whole lot of support and advice when you took that collar. In fact i am pretty sure a few people advised you against it but you did it anyway. The only one who made the decision to be in the relationship is you. The only one you should be looking to get you out of it...is you. I have heard the argument that a submissive may not be happy but "in love". No you re not. Being IN LOVE means you see that person in the ultimate wonderful light. You accept everything about them ..good and bad..as beautiful and wonderful. Clearly if that is not how you feel about the relationship then that is not how you feel about them. But sometimes old habits die hard. Like it or not, if you are not able to find joy in your submission and your Dominant is not helping to achieve that goal then you are in the wrong house. Yes it hurts...especially when we care about others and don't want to hurt them. So don't hurt them.
Don't go from sim to sim telling everyone how you just dumped your Dom. Don't, in fact, tell anyone. Don't tell your Dominant it was all their fault either. Let them know you care but just don't feel that you are being honest in your submission to them and unaccomplished as a submissive. There is no blame to lay here. Pointing fingers at this point about how or why it didn't work is useless and only serves to hurt others. Just lift your chin, softly apologize to them for any hurt, thank them for all of their kindness and time...and walk away like an adult.
Sobbing about it, involving others, and pointing fingers isn't going to solve the problem. Being a mature, responsible adult, taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships, and making a decision like a grown up...This shows grace. This shows poise and dignity. This is how mature adults make a decision that a relationship wont work and end it. No drama, no name calling, no high school BS. Be adult and make a choice. Stay because you find life without them unbearable or go to find the challenge you crave.
And if you choose to stay...Be happy and grateful in your submission. Clearly you and your Dominant have a loving and caring relationship. Challenge yourself. I am pretty sure most true Dominants would not keep you from deciding to pick up a book on scripting or building or knitting for that matter. Choosing to learn a new skill is something most Dominants would be proud of. And never forget...you have treasure in this Dominant. This is someone who loves you and cares for you as you are...true unconditional love. There are literally thousands of submissives in the world who would cut off their left nipple with a safety pin just to spit on your Dominants shoes. But your Dominant chose you. And you built this wonderful thing.
My final sub-stance is this: Taking a collar is a mature adult decision. Being in a relationship at all is a mature, adult decision. Now that you are in it, you need to treat it with the same mature adult manor. Follow the basic code of conduct that is becoming of a submissive. Whether you go or stay, do so with grace and dignity. If you can't handle this lifestyle without having a personal pitty party and disrespecting your Dominant PLEASE go back to being vanilla. We don't need that here.
Monday, January 17, 2011
GOAL!!
I am sitting at this computer typing away and trying to ignore the demon in my head whispering "you know you want one. You feel it. Look..your hands are shaking." I am in the third week of the monumental goal Master gave me to quit smoking.
I have been a smoker for twenty years. At one point I was smoking 3 packs of regular marbs a day. I am also a cancer survivor so smoking probably aint the best and smartest habit to have huh?! Master made it very clear He had no intention of losing me or sis to this habit and gave us both the goal of quitting this month. AND He knew that at best He would be unfair and unkind if He smoked in front of us. He quit with us even though as our Dominant He did not have to on any level.
W/we are rounding into week three and despite the demon in me coming out full force, Master has remained stalwart in His decision. I have ranted and raved, i have sobbed, whined, paced, exploded, imploded and just plain fallen apart. He has not budged.
So..What two EXTREMELY important things are being said about this goal?
1) This is a LIFE GOAL...not busy work. It is challenging me to end of my rope and beyond. Because i am working to please Master, giving up on the goal is not an option. Master knows how many times i have tried to quit for myself but just for me is not enough of a motivation to push past the pain. Not failing the Master i love IS. Disappointing Him is a greater fear and pain than i can honestly say i have been through even at the worst points of quiting smoking. In short, i would rather die of heart attack brought on by a massive melt down over quitting than look into Master's eyes and see an ounce of disappointment. This goal pushes me to my limit. As i said, its not busy work.
If Master had told me "Go organize the spice rack into alphabetical order" W/we both would have known just what was being said. I am an educated woman. Any idiot with a third grade education can organize a spice rack. Sure i would have done what He told me to do. But the whole time i would have known that the "goal", as it were, was nothing more than a pointless task to keep me out of His hair. There is no challenge in it for me. And since spices get used regularly and the organization would not last more than a day--reaching goal would hardly be worth any celebration. Which brings up the second most important point of real Life Goal:
2) Master Motivator. Master has been the greatest source of support through the entire process of reaching this goal. He did not have to have any involvement on any level. He could have said "Do it and call me when you're done in a month". Instead He has been beside me to calm frazzled nerves, dry my tears after full blown melt down, and tell me how proud He is at how much has already been achieved. All of this while quitting Himself. AND supporting sis through the same process. Not only has He been the ultimate REASON for quitting, but also the driving force behind the effort too. No matter how nasty and obnoxious i have gotten He has never wavered in His support and love for me.
Lets go back to the spice rack. How much support and love would i need to do that? Yup...zip. And how important does that make me feel? ...Yup...ZIP.
So what is the point of all this? That a real GOAL is something that takes strength, courage, and trust. It takes a Dominant that actually CARES about the submissive enough to challenge her/him to change their LIFE for the better. But also a Dominant with the loyalty and love to help motivate and support that submissive through the process of achieving the goal. When the goal is complete, the Dominant will know how much the submissive worked to achieve it and celebrate with the submissive the joy of reaching that goal. And even more importantly, the bond between Dominant and submissive becomes a million times stronger. The Dominant knows the submissive will walk through fire for them...and the submissive knows the Dominant will lay down on the coals so they can walk through that fire.
Setting busy work for the submissive not only sends the message they are not worth the effort to motivate and encourage but that they are in the way and need to "kept occupied". It insults their intelligence and will ultimately lead to the submissive feeling unfulfilled. The submissive will eventually leave and try to find a Dominant that cares enough to really challenge them. And cares enough to really be there for support.
My final sub-stance: Submissives are not ornaments or house staff. They are a responsibility and a commitment. Just as they are committed to the Dominant. Giving them meaningless tasks to keep them busy is not only an insult to them, but also fails to give them a chance to prove themselves. A real goal has a real meaning. And while the Dominant can not help the submissive by doing the goal FOR them, a REAL Dominant will be there to give support and love as the goal is being reached.They look into the submissives eyes as the subs brow is furrowed in frustration, sweating in effort, face snarled and angry as they push through the pain to achieve the goal and whisper "I still love you and you are still MY submissive". It goes back to one of Master's favorite sayings:
If you cant handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
Thank You Master, for loving me this much.
I have been a smoker for twenty years. At one point I was smoking 3 packs of regular marbs a day. I am also a cancer survivor so smoking probably aint the best and smartest habit to have huh?! Master made it very clear He had no intention of losing me or sis to this habit and gave us both the goal of quitting this month. AND He knew that at best He would be unfair and unkind if He smoked in front of us. He quit with us even though as our Dominant He did not have to on any level.
W/we are rounding into week three and despite the demon in me coming out full force, Master has remained stalwart in His decision. I have ranted and raved, i have sobbed, whined, paced, exploded, imploded and just plain fallen apart. He has not budged.
So..What two EXTREMELY important things are being said about this goal?
1) This is a LIFE GOAL...not busy work. It is challenging me to end of my rope and beyond. Because i am working to please Master, giving up on the goal is not an option. Master knows how many times i have tried to quit for myself but just for me is not enough of a motivation to push past the pain. Not failing the Master i love IS. Disappointing Him is a greater fear and pain than i can honestly say i have been through even at the worst points of quiting smoking. In short, i would rather die of heart attack brought on by a massive melt down over quitting than look into Master's eyes and see an ounce of disappointment. This goal pushes me to my limit. As i said, its not busy work.
If Master had told me "Go organize the spice rack into alphabetical order" W/we both would have known just what was being said. I am an educated woman. Any idiot with a third grade education can organize a spice rack. Sure i would have done what He told me to do. But the whole time i would have known that the "goal", as it were, was nothing more than a pointless task to keep me out of His hair. There is no challenge in it for me. And since spices get used regularly and the organization would not last more than a day--reaching goal would hardly be worth any celebration. Which brings up the second most important point of real Life Goal:
2) Master Motivator. Master has been the greatest source of support through the entire process of reaching this goal. He did not have to have any involvement on any level. He could have said "Do it and call me when you're done in a month". Instead He has been beside me to calm frazzled nerves, dry my tears after full blown melt down, and tell me how proud He is at how much has already been achieved. All of this while quitting Himself. AND supporting sis through the same process. Not only has He been the ultimate REASON for quitting, but also the driving force behind the effort too. No matter how nasty and obnoxious i have gotten He has never wavered in His support and love for me.
Lets go back to the spice rack. How much support and love would i need to do that? Yup...zip. And how important does that make me feel? ...Yup...ZIP.
So what is the point of all this? That a real GOAL is something that takes strength, courage, and trust. It takes a Dominant that actually CARES about the submissive enough to challenge her/him to change their LIFE for the better. But also a Dominant with the loyalty and love to help motivate and support that submissive through the process of achieving the goal. When the goal is complete, the Dominant will know how much the submissive worked to achieve it and celebrate with the submissive the joy of reaching that goal. And even more importantly, the bond between Dominant and submissive becomes a million times stronger. The Dominant knows the submissive will walk through fire for them...and the submissive knows the Dominant will lay down on the coals so they can walk through that fire.
Setting busy work for the submissive not only sends the message they are not worth the effort to motivate and encourage but that they are in the way and need to "kept occupied". It insults their intelligence and will ultimately lead to the submissive feeling unfulfilled. The submissive will eventually leave and try to find a Dominant that cares enough to really challenge them. And cares enough to really be there for support.
My final sub-stance: Submissives are not ornaments or house staff. They are a responsibility and a commitment. Just as they are committed to the Dominant. Giving them meaningless tasks to keep them busy is not only an insult to them, but also fails to give them a chance to prove themselves. A real goal has a real meaning. And while the Dominant can not help the submissive by doing the goal FOR them, a REAL Dominant will be there to give support and love as the goal is being reached.They look into the submissives eyes as the subs brow is furrowed in frustration, sweating in effort, face snarled and angry as they push through the pain to achieve the goal and whisper "I still love you and you are still MY submissive". It goes back to one of Master's favorite sayings:
If you cant handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
Thank You Master, for loving me this much.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Achieving Balance in TPE Relationships
Sir Zano Irata recently held a discussion on achieving balance in TPE relationships. The timing of this talk was especially important to me as Master and I work through the typical growing pains all relationships experience. Sir Zano suggested that prior to achieving true balance, both Dominant and submissive need a strong idea of their self worth. "It is impossible and unreasonable to expect the dominant to be perfect;" he stated and added, “there is no true TPE relationship where the power is all on one side. The capabilities and desires of the participants are vital. It is these and not some idealised vision that should drive the relationship."
Discussion participants engaged in a fruitful dialogue about the scales ever tipping on one side or the other of the relationship and each individual grows within it. "A “perfect” dominant and slave would be extremely boring," one participant offered, as the group explored the inevitability of human error and the importance of all parties being willing to accept accountability for their weaknesses and to work together to create routines and rituals that allow all to feel safe and supported. Sir Zano offered, "In a healthy D/s relationship, the dominant will be in control but will empower the submissive in certain areas. These areas will depend upon the talents of both..." As talents are encouraged and developed, these roles might be shared or even exchanged and the process can cause the relationship to lose equilibirum. The group seemed to agree that this is normal, however; the key is ongoing communication, commitment to overcoming the obstacles together and ongoing strengthening of trust.
Mountains only exist because of the valleys between them. It is impossible to have one without the other. Acceptance that change is a lifetime experience allows us to accept the valleys as a necessary obstacle to climb the mountaintop ahead and should inspire a deeper connection and understanding of one another. Inevitably the scales will tip from one side to the other, enjoying the equanimity at middle ground and using those times to adjust and evolve, allows our relationships to flower, grow and achieve harmony.
cypher Reverie-Ra
"the Happy Ending" with Jay Wiseman
A few weeks ago, I was intrigued by a notice announcing a live interview at THE FORUM with Jay Wiseman (Avatar: Jay Composer) author of books such as the "Erotic Bondage Handbook" and "SM 101" amongst others. It was my first introduction to the author and producer of several instructional DVDs on Bondage.
Questions from participants ranged from inquiries about the nonsexual aspects of BDSM, to opinions on an elitest view of real lifestylers versus virtual ones. In response to the seperation, he responded, "..."the Internet has decreased the relevanceof geography...you [are able to] meet a kindred spirit in a way that you would not otherwise; there is the potential for great satisfaction and great pain in online relationships." Sir Jay went on to discuss Second Life as a way to explore and I readily cosigned this view. Internet connections and relationships, especially in Second Life have opened a window of exploration which has set free many closeted and curious lifestylers unsure of ways to experience these deep rooted urges, thoughts and ways of being. Many of these connections allow an acceptace of self that facilitates growth and participation in both lives for individuals who might never have ventured away from their vanilla lives to truly discover who they are.
I was most impressed with Sir Jay's description of what he calls the " Happy Ending Model" of BDSM. He discussed the importance of healthy and positively received outcomes at the end of a scene "...once the session is over are people at peace about it and if so why? If not, why? If they are happy and not too much risk was involved... then the outcome is reasonably ok." As I processed his words my thoughts were that this "outcome measure" should extend across any TPE relationship whether in a scene or not. Of course this is true of commited mono or poly families and may not be true for single night episodes of fun filled kink. Nevertheless, mutual respect appears to be the point here and something that can, unfortunately be neglected when priorty on the *people* involved in *any* relationship is neglected. Irregardless of what your preferrences are relative to Dominance, submission, kink or fetish, a mutual understanding of one another's needs, desires, limits and expectations is essential. This might also mean that the relationship will experience struggles as all members grow and develop individually and within the relationship. Sir Jay adds,"...challeges are universal [in all relationships] although the way of achieving the desired outcome is more personal and individual....there is a role for dissecting things and looking at nuiances and then synthesizing what you've discovered and incorporating that into what you are doing."
Additional dialogue was facilitated around the success rate of D/s relationships over vanilla relationships which is attributable to the level of trust expected and required for a true submission to occur. More than in typical relationships and marriages, there is a willingnes to trust, be self accountable and expressive about feelings that is often absent in other relationships. It’s hard to imagine how a positive outcome could not be achieved under those circumstances as this type of commitment.
Although some lifestylers might cringe at the idea of a "fairytale ending" Having dialogued with Sir Jay and other very vocal and opinionated lifestylers W/we seem to aspire to live happily ever after.
cypher Reverie-Ra
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