Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Judgment Day

A Lifestyle is the term for the customs, rules, habits and values by which one lives everyday life. Those who live the D/s lifestyle are no different. We have certain rules and values we live by and customs unique to our beliefs.
But to understand the lifestyle of D/s one needs to understand what it is first. Often it is mistaken for abuse, weakness and anti feminism. These misconceptions could not be further from the truth. And it is the judgments made by people who are ignorant to the lifestyle that hurt the integrity of the lifestyle the most.

D/s stands for Dominant and submissive. In the custom of this lifestyle one person; the submissive, gives control of themselves to a Dominant. A Dominant is one who is very strong willed, decisive,  and who thrives on providing care and training to others. Dominants have many other traits as well but the base trait is that they get ultimate pleasure from being in control of the the relationship and of the submissive.
Before the lynching begins understand this: a submissive gives this control willingly. It is a desire in themselves to give all they are and all they wish to be to a Dominants guidance. It is part of their nature to want to please and need the feeling of security that someone is in charge. They willingly submit themselves to this service. BUT it is the Dominants responsibility to provide the submissive with protection, guidance and training through life to help them be the best people they can.
D/s is never abusive. D/s is a relationship between two consenting adults. Point of fact one of the most common mantras in the D/s lifestyle is "Safe, Sane, and Consensual".
Too often "domination" is confused with abuse such as savage beatings from anger and forced work. True Dominance has nothing to do with this.
A trained and informed Dominant cares for their submissive, loves and cherishes the gift the submissive gives. They teach a submissive to overcome obstacles, past emotional issues, and self doubt among other things. While they do this, they give support and protection. If a Dominant gives a rule such as a bed time for the submissive chances are its because the submissive needs more sleep in order to be healthier and is not taking care of that themself.
Bare in mind that this does not make the submissive "weak" or "stupid" or incapable of living on their own. On the contrary. Submissives tend to be extremely educated and intelligent. Most, in fact, hold high power jobs and are in control of a great deal. But they tend to ignore their own needs in favor of others needs and even put themselves dead last in care. They are strong to be sure. A submissive needs to be strong enough to kneel. Certainly strong enough to give that trust to a Dominant.
But in a relationship they crave to give that control. They need to feel they have a safe and loving heart to turn to that will take the burdens and fears away. Someone who will guide them and take control of the relationship. Most of all someone who takes pleasure in them and is proud of their talents. She or he lives to make the Dominant happy.
So what about this relationship is so taboo? The fact that it is also rooted in BDSM. D/s lifestylers engage in different levels of bondism during sexual and personal relationship exchanges. Keep in mind this is fetish and kink NOT abuse. In a healthy relationship the Dominant and submissive spend time sharing those personal desires and build a bond of trust.
A submissive who has spent time with and placed trust in a Dominant will allow themself to be tied or cuffed without any fear that the Dominant will cause them physical harm. In fact they are clear and know that the Dominant is going to bring them complete pleasure by making them "helpless" in the encounter.
Understand there are different levels of kink in this lifestyle and the difficult part is meeting someone who has matching desires and needs. A submissive who enjoys spankings during sex is not going to find happiness with a Dominant that refuses to do this. This is one of the big reasons why bonds formed in D/s tend to be very very strong. The time it takes to build this trust, share this information with each other, and build that level of adoration that makes a submissive kneel.
So what about "womens rights"? If a woman has a right to choose then why can she not choose to give her love to a Dominant? What is so awful about her LOVING to cook and clean for Him? And for the record: not JUST women are submissive. There are many men who enjoy giving control to a Dominant woman. In fact D/s has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Gay and lesbian D/s exsists too.
 D/s is a MINDSET. A submissive person who craves the control and pleasures of a Dominant. A Dominant person who craves that adoration and the challenge of taking charge.
Finally "Safe and Sane". Obviously this is a lifestyle in which certain unsavory and unkind people can hide. A trained submissive learns things such as limits and safewords. Limits are the things one is willing or unwilling to do in the confines of a relationship. Finding a Dominant that shares these limits is key. Again if a submissive has a limit against being spanked and that is a fetish of the Dominant the relationship wont work. Knowing your personal limits and taking time to know a person, share that information before being in a dangerous situation is the "sane" part.
Safewords are words chosen that when spoken by the submissive indicate they have become uncomfortable with the play and in an area that makes them frightened or angry. Once a safeword is spoken by a submissive, a Dominant should stop the scene at once and talk with the submissive. The Dominant would be wise to find out what about the play was upsetting to the submissive because this will give the Dom an indication of possible hidden fears and walls that need to be worked on. Or perhaps the submissive has discovered a new hard limit they were not aware of befor. Whatever the reason a safeword is given, the first response should always be that the play is stopped and the submissive's limits respected.
Kink is something everyone (even the most vanilla of people) have. Its just that some folks admit it and some dont. The levels of kink or fetish can be as simple as enjoying someone giving them foot adoration (kissing etc. of the feet and toes) to extreme levels of bondage including chains, rough sex, whippings and humiliation. The key here is that it is between consenting adults who find these kinks essential to sexual pleasure. No one has the right to tell you your personal kink is wrong or bad (unless it causes real harm to innocent people who had no intention of being in the situation). It is NOT abuse if i WILLINGLY choose to let my Dominant cane me because it brings me pleasure. This is what the vanilla world has issue with and can not seem to see past.
The bottom line and my personal sub-stance: before you judge another persons lifestyle or personal fetish ask yourself if your opinion has any merit. Is it really your place to judge what does not concern you? Would you let someone else make judgment about your sexplay and relationships that was not involved? Sure its ok to have an opinion...but i have one too, and a right to my personal life choices so unless someone asks for your opinion..AND you speak from real fact...keep it zipped ;)

Monday, December 13, 2010

~= Education & Books =~

Hello ACES,

I’ve been asked recently to recommend educational books on BDSM. This is a list books recommend for *both* Dominants and subs/slaves/switches and everything in between. You can find these books on amazon.com, barnes&nobles.com, half.com, etc. Try google as well.

Any questions? You know where to find me.

→ SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

→ Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

→ When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

→ The Control Book by Peter Masters

→ The Loving Dominant by John Warren

→ The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

→ Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame

→ SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin

→ The New Topping Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

→ Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

→ Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Brannon

→ Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califa

→ Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders by Lucy Fairbourne

~= Jay Wiseman SL Interview =~

On October 24th 2010 Jay Wiseman, the author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction," came in to Second Life for a live, voice interview. It was a wonderful event with 80 people from all over the world taking part. The audio recording of the interview can be found by clicking here.

You can also read Cat Sadayappan’s article, "Jay Wiseman in SL," which was published after the event took place and before the link above was available.