In all our marvelous diversity, what we have in common is power exchange relationships.
Power
exchange can be expressed by any action. The action that expresses the
exchange of power is like the celery that carries the cream cheese.
It’s a vehicle, neutral in itself, charged only by the fact that one
person commands and the other obeys.
And
power exchange itself doesn’t get us a pervert label. It’s part of the
mainstream in intimate relationships. Consider “traditional marriage.”
The difference, and the thing that gets us considered perverted, is
the diversity of our expression and the fact that we choose it rather
than allowing our culture to dictate it. Kink is part of that
controversial diversity.
Despite
all this, we perpetuate our own oppression by carrying social
stereotypes into our D/s. Gender roles are a prime example. There’s no
reason why doing the dishes should be either a female or a submissive
task . . . yet I observe a strong trend towards assuming that
subs/slaves are female and that their submission is expressed in
domestic service. And I suspect that many of the problems Dommes and
male subs face are based in vanilla gender expectations.
And
we generate our own stereotypes and labels from within as well, thereby
generating both misunderstanding and disrespect. Examples are myriad,
ranging from relationship assumptions to the nature and capabilities of
people based on whether they’re Dominant or submissive. I can’t tell
you how discouraging it is to feel myself facing, as a submissive in my
theoretically revolutionary community, a similar set of limiting
stereotypes to what I face as a woman in the vanilla world.
So
here we are, wanting community, sharing a deeply primal human
experience, yet united primarily by our diversity. How can we talk to
each other, learn from each other, when each of our relationships has
its own vocabulary? Even the word “submission” is defined differently
by different people, and each definition describes a valid experience.
I
would argue that “education” is something to be approached with care.
It’s human to want validation and reassurance that we’re succeeding in
the dynamic we’re creating. However, creation is individual. As Marge
Piercy said about writing:
“The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms
is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall . . .”
In M/s and D/s, what classes can offer us is techniques and somebody else’s preferences.
What
we each bring to the table is ourselves. Our own experience, our own
priorities and choices, our thoughts on what is right for us. Not for
our neighbors. And we can bring open ears for the lives of others. I
believe that if we could listen to each other’s lives without feeling a
direct or implied pressure to be like them, if we could take what’s
right for us while respectfully leaving the rest, if we could act
towards each other based on understanding and acceptance of each other’s
individual preferences, we could learn more and do less damage to
ourselves and others.
To
my mind, what power exchange relationships offer us is a chance to live
one of the most demanding spiritual tenets I know of: the Wiccan Rede.
“And it harm none, do as you will.”
Thanks for reading.
Meadow
Ryn’s kajira
