"I cant believe you forgot that you brainless twit!"
"You ASS! Its right there under your nose! Any bigger and it would have bit your stupid ass!"
Chances are if you are reading this blog, that you are a pretty well educated person. And chances are, too, that you already have these words pegged as the work of a verbal abuser. But they are only words, right? Yes they are only words. Usually words from someone we should reasonably be able to trust such as a close friend, love, family member. Someone who should be supportive of us. Someone we naturally want to please, D/s aside. So when they are spoken by this abuser, the damage emotionally is devastating. But you already knew that right?
What is the extra damage caused when the victim is a submissive and the abuser is the Dominant? Yes i know, some folks have a fetish for humiliation. That is something they enjoy and find arousing. But for a submissive who does not have such a fetish, these words can tear out the submissive heart.
What is at the heart of a true submissive? --The driving desire to please the Dominant. That all the submissive does is to bring the Dominant joy. From the Dominant's joy and pleasure comes the submissives joy and sense of worth.
Translation: When a "Dominant" calls the submissive names, the message sent to that submissive is that they are not only NOT pleasing but most likely never will be. It destroys the submissives self esteem through humiliation AND sense of entire purpose for existing.
People who engage in this sort of behavior are not Dominants. Attempting to be superior to others, over inflated ego, laziness, self indulgence, manipulation, dishonesty, and intimidation should NEVER be confused as Dominance. A self absorbed tyrant, perhaps. Attempting to hide their own insecurities and failure rather than improve, definitely. But not Dominant. The only real control this type of person has is to bully the submissive into staying by destroying his or her self worth. That way the sub can not see how truly worthless this "dominant" is.
So why did i call this entry "Ene (me)"? ..Because sometimes the one abusing the submissive is them self. The cruel remarks i started this all with are not from some rotten "domwannabie" ...but from my own mouth. Chastising degrading assaults i launched against myself for the basic fumbles and goofs that all human beings make. Keep in mind that i am a natural klutz. And i am not (at least this time) saying that in a bad way. Just honest. I am the one who falls UP stairs, walks into walls, and manages to forget what i am doing halfway across a room. And i know i am not the only one. Everyone pinches their fingers in the cabinet door at some point. And no one with any shred of dignity would tease, much less chastise someone for these things.
But when i do them, i embarrass myself. Then i get flustered and angry at myself for being so clumsy. The verbal attack flows out of my mouth without my even realizing it most of the time. After much thought and exploration, i have pinned this behavior to a few possible moments in life that hurt badly. Likely it is a combination of all of them. But i wont go into detail here because that is not the point. The point is, those past events and words affect how i treat myself now. At one point i made a fumble and was humiliated. Words were launched at me and now i throw them at myself every time i feel that humiliation. Humans are an odd species, what can i say.
Truthfully half the time i am not even aware i am doing it. There are few moments in time when it was pointed out and i always found it to be actually rather funny. Master, however, saw nothing funny about it. And one day He made very clear that He wanted never to hear me talk to myself that way again. It was a habit He intended to break me of come hell or high water.
I was a bit surprised at His anger. As i said, most of the time i am not aware i am even doing it. I drop something and the next word out of my mouth is "you ass". It is as natural as breathing so He most likely heard it much more than i realize. But it wasn't until He pointed out how it made HIM feel, that i took the time to really think about it. And i think i am finally understanding.
Master is the greatest thing to ever happen to me bar none. At no time have i felt so loved and cared for, so safe and able to be just me with anyone like i do with Him. So i put myself in His shoes for a moment.I tried to imagine Him talking to Himself in the rotten way i do to myself. It wasn't a pleasant thought. If anyone else had spoken to Him like that in front of me, i would have launched into them like a rabid pit bull. But if the one you love is the one doing the attacking...what can you do? And as a Dominant, isn't the first thought "what am I doing wrong that my submissive thinks so badly of them self?"
As my Master, He made very clear what was to be done. I was told to QUIT IT. Now every time i start to launch into myself, He has only to say my name in that stern, hard note and when i look up...i see His anger. His disappointment. The words die on my lips. At first i had the obvious reaction..i had disappointed Him and was angry with myself for that. It took a while to finally realize the ultimate truth. He wasn't disappointed in ME. He was disappointed at the words being thrown at me because He loves me. And that has made all the difference.
He loves me and puts me in a place above where i put myself. Watching me verbally degrade myself is hurtful to Him.
There has been a lot of talk and discussion lately about self esteem and how important it is in making good, safe decisions in the lifestyle. Over the years i have learned this is very true whether you are Dominant or submissive. The better you feel about yourself, the better and more cautious your choices will be. I wrote earlier a blog about "The Toothbrush and the Ticket" and explained how a submissive's value of them self determines the value of their gift of submission. Value yourself and the gift you give has value too. But self abuse is slightly different.
We tend to be our own worst enemy and critic. What we see as a blaring obvious mistake or fault is probably not noticed by anyone else. And chances are if it were someone else who made the mistake you would not have noticed it yourself. But submissives especially put themselves under a microscope. At times we try so hard to be pleasing that the slightest misstep makes us cringe. Especially if someone in the past humiliated us for them. The trouble with this behavior is that it is self defeating. The more we try to be perfect the more we see imperfection. The only end to this is self loathing because we can't be what we think we should be. We can't imagine how a Dominant could love such a flawed submissive.
What about Dominants? Do They have this issue too? Some very much do. These Dominants beat themselves up for issues over which they have no control. The tend to feel weak and useless as Dominants because they can't control some things. The self degrading words above are just as likely to fall out of Their mouth as a submissive's. Depending on the Dominant, the tirade will be launched at Themselves or possibly at the owned submissive.
It is an unfortunate fact that an insecure Dominant with no ability to take responsibility for action, will transfer that self loathing onto the head of the submissive. Thus the submissive unlucky enough to be collared by this type of Dominant is punished for the Dominant's lack of self worth. In example; Dominant feels worthless because they don't have a job but rather than admit that to them self, rather than get up and go find work...they attack their submissive for not having a good enough job (or outfit or whatever).
A true Dominant would acknowledge Their own problem and take action to fix it. For the good Dominants of the world, however, it can be a hard place to be if the issue is one they can't control. For instance if a loved one becomes sick, the Dominant may feel weak and helpless..not something a Dominant likes to feel. That feeling of weakness may cause the Dominant a great deal of stress and even cause Them to question Their Dominance. Thus they begin to micro analyze Their every move just as a submissive would.
And it isn't just in the D/s world that this has an effect. Ever meet someone with such low self esteem that they settle for a mate that treats them like dirt? They feel they are not worthy of being treated any better. Been there, done that. Now that i have a Dominant who sees me as worthy, it can almost be terrifying. In the beginning i often wondered what stupid mistake i would make that would give Master second thoughts.
Master sees me as a being of value and beauty. He tells me so every day. By trying to get rid of my self degrading remarks, maybe i will be able to see and accept what He sees in me. At the very least, i will stop putting Him in the situation of having to witness my own abuse and making Him feel helpless to stop it. Like smoking, it aint easy to give it up now that it is such a natural part of my day. Fortunately i am not the only one in the world that has this problem.
At Solace Academy, W/we have opened a new group called Sub-Mission. This group is focused on submissives and addresses their challenges, helps create a support group among them, and helps them focus on their individual goals. They recently had a meeting and self esteem was the main topic. My collar sis, Alisha, attended too. She offered a "dare"...a tool she used at the lowest point of her life..to help her push forward. I will post it here for anyone not in SL or in O/our groups. Believe me when i say sis is an angel :) (even though she wont believe me lol)
I dare you for the next 6 weeks to do two things.
1) write down 5 good thing that happened to you today
a) I got a wonderful comment from my master
b) it was sunny out today
c) I heard a great joke today
d) someone complimented me today
e) I had a really good sleep today
2) look in the mirror and write down five good things about yourself
a) I love my eyes
b) I am a good friend
c) I love my new nail polish
d) I like my new hair cut
e) I am trust worthy
add these to your daily journal or such... make it so you write it down daily so when you have a bad day it can help pick you back up
My final sub-stance ; no one is perfect. Perfection in a human is an oxymoron. We were made to make mistakes and at times life is life. There is no fixing some things no matter what we do. Rather than beat ourselves up, degrade ourselves in front of others, and treat ourselves in ways we would never DREAM of treating another human being maybe we can learn to like what we see in the mirror.