I can not tell you how many times, as a submissive and as a person, i have said "i am not worthy". How many times i have felt the power of Master's love, the joy of the gifts He gives me and thought myself not good enough to deserve them. And how many times He has told me the one thing that truly disappoints Him is when i do this. It is a mindset that many have and one that is, unfortunately, something that comes with having been hurt or a sense of guilt for hurt we have caused.
But i am learning. I am learning that i am not perfect. I make mistakes and will continue to do so. As long as i take honest responsibility for them, do not make them out of sheer malice, and try my best to learn from them then the worst that can really be said is that i am human. I am also learning that holding on to past hurt and the insecurity it caused is a way for my past to control my present. The past is over and i have to let it go if i am to truly accept and appreciate what Master gives me now. By holding on to it i put someone else's actions above those of Master.
So how should i view myself and improve my self esteem? And what about the toothbrush? I had to think of my submission and gift to Him. How much value does it have? In my own eyes i was not worth much. But what does this say about the gift i give to Him? I was careful when i finally gave my heart to Master because i did not want to be hurt again. And He gave me the sense of security, honesty and dignity i needed to trust. I could have simply decided that abuse was all i was worthy of. I had enough self respect to give myself only to the One who earned my trust. That is part of what makes a gift a true gift. I came up with a scenario that illustrates what i mean here.
Lets say you go into your bathroom and grab your old ratty toothbrush. You go outside and pretty much toss it to the first hobo that crosses your path and go back inside. NOW...you may get a short lived sense of "ok great i did something sorta good. I gave a gift". But inside of ten minutes this sort of gift will be forgotten by you and probably by the hobo too.
The hobo may not know what in the world to do with it. He may have no teeth and therefor no use for a toothbrush. He may brush his beard with it once or twice, pick his nose and then toss it away. Obviously YOU didn't want it or need it anyway. When a submissive gives them self to the first person who proclaims them self a Dominant and does not value themselves enough to build some kind of bond with that Dom...they become a toothbrush. They give themselves with no regard to who they submit to and no care what will be done with them. And if the submissive doesn't care, why should the Dominant?
Now..lets say i have a piece of paper in my pocket. It is a little one inch square of paper with less uses than a toothbrush to be sure. BUT on that paper is the title of a movie, the day and time and seat number. It represents a moment in time spent with someone special. A happy moment in our life forever remembered with this little ticket. Now lets say i save that ticket and few other small mementos of that special person for say ..20 years. On that anniversary i put the ticket and other mementos built over time into a special box and give it to them.
Now we have a real gift. It has meaning. It is the memories and joys built over time and given from the heart telling that special person that no moment went unnoticed or unappreciated. That ticket has more value than gold because it is cherished both by the giver and the receiver. So if a submissive has some self esteem, some sense of self worth they will be careful to give that gift of THEM to a Dominant who really wants that gift. And the Dominant, having spent time earning the trust and love of the submissive, will value the gift much more. Your submission will have meaning because it was not tossed at the Dominant but earned.
Yes it is true and unfortunate that even after spending time and building a relationship some will still not care. Some will still take for granted the value of the gift given. And it doesn't have to mean the Dominant always. I have seen many submissives take for granted the gift of care and guidance given to them by a loving Dominant too. The vanilla world has the same problem. Some people are just selfish and do not understand the meaning of gratitude.
It is these people who cause the hurt. These people who tear down self esteem and make us feel "unworthy". When this happens, when someone takes our gift for granted and makes us feel worthless, we have to take time to rebuild. Take time to reestablish who you are. Forgive them for hurting you, spend time alone with yourself to reconnect with yourself, and most of all forgive yourself for giving that trust. It is so easy to beat ourselves up "i should never have trusted, i should have seen the signs".
Giving trust is taking a gamble and as adults we should always be aware of that risk in any new relationship. But giving trust should never be considered bad or wrong. You felt it was earned and gave it. It is not your fault if someone did not appreciate that. You have to build trust in yourself again too.
Ultimately you have to value yourself again before you can give the gift once more. Just be watchful that during this time you do not take someone else's gifts to you for granted either. Doing to someone else what was done to you will only bring on guilt and more low self esteem. We need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions and above behavior that is cruel if we are ever to trust or be trusted.
My final sub-stance: A gift has only as much value as the person giving it puts to it. And will only be valued by someone who has to earn it. And it can only be of value to the person receiving it if they put aside their own self interest. If i am to value what Master gives me, i must see my own worth in His eyes. If i had not given any care about giving the gift of myself to Him, Master would not have cared to have it. It isn't about me or how i see myself based on the past. It is the present, and Master cares for me, and that is what should count.
