I had to share this. The other day we were experiencing some storms and possible tornadoes. I turned on the news station at work that streams the warnings for our area and left it on while i sat doing some filing. One of the articles being shown was on those toddler fashion competitions so, of course, i had to watch. I was so shocked and disgusted i had to write this and make my case.
It seems toddler beauty pageants have stooped to an all time low. Not only was the three year old being interviewed dressed in ACTUAL daisy dukes and cut off belly shirt, but she was forced to endure BROW WAXING. Even I don't do that! A three year old?? Seriously??!! To top it off, she was learning dances for the competition that included hip thrusts and dubious poses that verged on child pornography in my mind.
And it doesn't take a genius to know what the message to this child is. You have to be waxed and half naked to be beautiful. Then stick her in a competition that pits her looks against other three year old. What do you think this baby is going to grow up believing? That the look counts. And you have to be the prettiest and sexiest to be a winner. Inner beauty or intelligence does not count. They were even spraying this child with skin tanner.
As adult women we are already inundated with this message. Magazines, commercials, infomercials...you name it. We are told daily we need to have the best hair, the best smile, the best skin and BE the best. Why? So we can get the most attention. Back to the vanilla basic: If you are not the best at all of this, you are replaceable and will lose the competition. In vanilla pudding world everything is about competition. Especially in relationships. Hence the emphasis on sex appeal. And since vanilla land only allows one partner/spouse we are constantly in competition with anyone who gets too close. Jealousy is trained into us. But lately it has reached epoch proportions.
At three years old i was out in the yard playing with my brother. At three years old, the only makeup i wore was at Halloween. Now they smear lipstick and eyeshadow on and spend hours rehearsing naughty poses. They pick out risque outfits and sashay down runways. One other girl in the article was actually being taught by her mother to pray to God for the right outfit. Nice message. If i lose the competition its Gods fault. And how do you think these three year olds are going to feel when they lose the competition? Yup, just like the rest of us. Losers. Not pretty enough or good enough. I am sorry but i think three is a little young to be forced into having a body complex. Definitely too young to start believing they can be replaced if they don't look sexy enough.
And then we wonder why so many teens and young adults these days are suffering eating disorders and bouts of severe depression. Suddenly teen suicide makes a whole lot of sense. After all, we already taught them they were not worth anything if they were not pretty enough to be prom queen. I am old enough to understand when i see a hair dye commercial that they are selling me an idea. And i don't have to buy into it. But when we talk about kids, they take all they learn in the earliest days from mom and dad. By the time they hit ten they will fully believe they can never stop being in competition with everyone else to be the prettiest. They will always fear being replaced and losing.
For those of us in the lifestyle, this is a direct link to why so many have problems with jealousy in a collar. It is not our place as submissives to question where the Dominant goes or who They speak to. That is Their decision. But because of training like this, more and more younger submissives are having worse jealousy issues. They are worried about being replaced. They are constantly in competition even online. And being a submissive is not about US. Its not about being the prettiest, not about having the right dress, or even how well waxed our brows are. It is about our devotion to our Dominant. It is about serving the Dominant. When we come into a collar feeling competitive with other submissives or people for the Dominants attention, we have already lost our true focus and thus lost our submission.
The worst thing these poor kids are going to grow up with is very low self esteem each time they lose a competition. This eventually will lead to the belief that even if the relationship is bad or abusive they have to live with it. After all, they arnt worth anything else.
I beg any parent that reads this not to do this to your child. Let your baby be a baby, not a mini adult with grown up emotional issues. Teach your daughters that being "the best" means being the best PERSON they can be. Show them the values of sharing, giving, loving. Let them know every day that they are special just for being them. That they are not replaceable because of their hair. Give them a sense of self worth and confidence so that when they go into a relationship later (ANY relationship) they make good choices. And if they happen to make a mistake, they have the confidence to let go of it and try again. Let them base their life on core values like honor and respect. Not jealousy and self loathing. Instead of competing with the girl next door, let her go out and play. Let her make a friend she may know the rest of her life because she had a chance to know the other girl. She was able to see this other child as just another child...a person. Not her replacement.
My final Sub-Stance: Its not OK to dress a baby up like a porn star and stick them in a competition with other babies. Its not OK to live vicariously through your three year old to win beauty pageants. Let them be themselves. Be kids. Let them grow up being confidant in who they are. And if that little girl grows to a teen who WANTS to join a beauty pageant, then support her personal choice. Just as long as she is always aware she does not have to win at being Miss America to be accepted as a person. And the friendships she makes can last a lifetime if they are based on truly caring for the other person, not their dress.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Lil Miss Sunshine and The Art of Happiness
Ever sit on a bus next to a happy couple that are smooching and playing footsie and think "Oh god get a ROOM! I'm gonna lose my lunch!" ? Or what about that girl on the street? You know, the one with the spring in her step. She has her head held up, a smile on her face, and meets your eye with a cheery "Good Morning!" And you want to yell "Its 8 am! Drop dead Lil Miss Sunshine!"...Of course. We all have felt these things at one time or another.
So what is it about these two different circumstances that drive other people nuts? The one thing they both have in common; the people are happy. They are happy in love or just plain happy. And to someone who is NOT happy, this is irritating. Lets face it. Its true. Misery loves company. When our world is miserable we tend to get sudden bursts of jealousy. How many times have you seen someone and wished you were them or wished you had something they did? At the very least we want them to trip on pavement or something so they feel a little pain. After all, it isn't fair that they get to be so happy and we get all the grief! But you should be relieved to know that you are a perfectly normal human being for having these feelings. When times are tough its perfectly natural to feel a twinge when someone else gets to walk on easy street. For a lot of folks, this emotion is short lived however. After a good belt of coffee and a pat on the back from the boss, we regain our own stride too. And Lil Miss Sunshine doesn't seem so bad after all.
What gets to be a problem, however, are the folks who never get that stride back. They live under a dark cloud constantly. These are the folks who will always find something negative to say no matter what. They see the happy couple on the bus and will actually say out loud "its all great till he cheats. Worthless men!" or "Yea she snuggles up so she can get hold of your wallet buddy!" They can find negativity in a picture of a cute puppy. "Cute till it sheds on the sofa and pees on the rug!" So dark is the cloud over these peoples lives that they refuse to see a ray of sunshine in anything and often make it a point to share the rain. They go out of their way to cut down anyone who shows any sign of joy.
On line, these are the people that will show up to a site and complain about anything they see. If there is a discussion going on, they will find something about the topic to complain about. If the conversation is positive they will find something negative to say about the person running the site or discussion. Even this blog is open to the attacks of the terminally miserable.
Nothing i have said to this very point in any way attacks or forces opinion on anyone. But i can almost guarantee there will be someone who will read it and find something to complain about. For that person; i am not saying ever that if you have an opinion you are not entitled to it. I am not ever going to say that if you feel unhappy, you are not entitled to feel that way either. What i am saying is that those who are happy...are entitled to be happy too, even if it makes you jealous.
And please do not confuse negative remarks with "trying to protect some innocent person". If the couple on the bus are strangers, you are not "offering good advice". You are being intrusive and down right nasty judging people you don't even know.
I can hear the howling now. "Arnt YOU being judgemental in writing this??"...Well..no. I have not pointed a finger or said a single name. I have judged no one. I have opened a discussion about negative behavior. And if that sends someone into a tailspin, then perhaps that person needs to take a long look in the mirror. Of course, having said that, i also know these words are not going to mean a thing to that person. Nothing i or anyone else says is ever going to make a difference to the miserable until they want it to.
Here is where the "art" part of this blog comes in. America's great forefathers wrote a document that formed a nation. In that document they wrote "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness". You see, life and liberty are already rights we are born with (until someone does something to lose that right of course). But happiness is another animal entirely. Our forefathers already knew THAT animal has to be hunted down and taken on ones own.
Things were different in that time too. There was no such thing as "instant gratification". If you wanted light you spent hours making candles. If you wanted bread and roasted veggies, you baked the bread by hand and grew the damn veggies then cut them THEN roasted them (about four months in the making from start to finish). Now-a-days we flick a switch and there is light. We pop a box in the nuker and have dinner in two minutes. Heck, go online or make a call and have it cooked, wrapped and delivered! Unfortunately we have come to just believe that instant gratification applies to all of life. We expect someone or something else doing the work and handing us what we want.
And that has carried into our emotional behaviors as well. How often have you heard the term "find someone to make me happy"? Really? Is it someone else's responsibility to "make you happy"? Is it even possible for someone else to "make" you feel anything?
The fact is, you could have your dream date walk off the movie screen with a billion dollars in their pocket and whisk you away. But if you are miserable and have not faced WHY you are miserable, well a year later you will STILL be miserable. No one can make an unhappy person happy. Only the person who is unhappy can decide to change that.
Your dream date may bring MORE happiness, but not can not "fix" you emotionally. You still have to figure out what is causing the pain and CHOOSE to deal with it. If a person is lonely and chooses not to take a chance on a date because they were hurt in the past, they will stay lonely. If they are unhappy in a marriage but refuse to get couples counselling or even a divorce...yup..they stay miserable.
It is interesting to note, too, that these are the same people who come up with every excuse imaginable to NOT do something to improve their life. They don't want to do the work. They want someone else to solve their problem for them.
The broke and jobless person who sits at home and plays the "lottery retirement plan" is waiting for money they have not earned to be handed to them rather than get a job. And before someone complains...yes i know there are those who may have physical or mental limitation. This is (i believe obviously) about the people who CAN but choose not to.
So what about the pain and grief we may face and CANT change? Losing a loved one is something we have no power to control. And believe me, i know how dark that hole is. It is deep, vast, and seems endless. But it is actually only as deep and endless as you want it to be. Yes in some cases a person may need professional help to work their way out. But if they choose not to seek that help, then have made the choice to stay in the hole.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it will be easy (which is why some prefer to stay in the hole) or that once you have risen above the problem or pain that it will go away. I still cry sometimes for people i lost years ago. That pain will never just "go away". Ever. But i made the conscious decision that i would not give away my life to it. I would learn to let myself feel joy too. The ones i lost...would be heartbroken if i let their deaths end the joy in my life.
How did i learn to do this? By not being angry at Lil Miss Sunshine. It took a lot of work at first. It felt fake at first too. But i would meet her eye and smile and wish her a good morning too. I would try to find something about her that i liked. Her smile was bright or her hair was pretty...anything to STOP feeling that jealous anger for her being happy. I also had to look at the people i lost and realize..that if ALL i thought about was that i lost them, then their entire lives and all the love they gave me were wasted. I was not giving them any credit or thanks for the happy times. Instead i was wallowing in my self pity because i could not touch them or see them. I learned its OK to miss them and cry from time to time. But not OK to be mad at the world, fate, God, or little green men from mars. That was never going to help me or anyone in my life that still needed me to be me.
And how does this all tie into D/s?? Too often i see the jaded and angry put down people around them for being happy. Too often i hear backhanded comments about Master, sis and myself. Yes W/we really ARE that happy. And yes, W/we all deserve that joy too. Too many people either tell U/us outright they are jealous or spend hours trying to ruin the things W/we work for.
Its not just U/us either. These terminally miserable people will light into anyone who dares to smile or share a happy moment. If they spent even a tenth of the time wasted on their anger, into facing their problems and making the effort to find their own happiness...But of course that would mean actually having to try.
I'm sorry if Suzie the Miserable Subbie or Don the Miserable Dom had a bad relationship, marriage, childhood, job, life etc. I really am. But i cant change that or fix it. Only YOU can make that decision.
A Dominant cant solve your problems. They can offer advice and even give you the direction. YOU still have to do the work. No submissive can "make" a Dominant happy by kneeling. Eventually the things they cant fix are going to rise up again. And no Dom or sub you meet is going to change that either. No relationship will work if you are not willing to do the work, face fears, and LET yourself be happy.
My final Sub-Stance: You are the captain of your own ship. If you want to set sail to that oasis of happiness and joy then you have to hoist the sails and set the course. If the sails need mending then you have to do the work to mend them. Spitting into the wind because you have no sail is only going to get you dirty. Happy Sailing!!
So what is it about these two different circumstances that drive other people nuts? The one thing they both have in common; the people are happy. They are happy in love or just plain happy. And to someone who is NOT happy, this is irritating. Lets face it. Its true. Misery loves company. When our world is miserable we tend to get sudden bursts of jealousy. How many times have you seen someone and wished you were them or wished you had something they did? At the very least we want them to trip on pavement or something so they feel a little pain. After all, it isn't fair that they get to be so happy and we get all the grief! But you should be relieved to know that you are a perfectly normal human being for having these feelings. When times are tough its perfectly natural to feel a twinge when someone else gets to walk on easy street. For a lot of folks, this emotion is short lived however. After a good belt of coffee and a pat on the back from the boss, we regain our own stride too. And Lil Miss Sunshine doesn't seem so bad after all.
What gets to be a problem, however, are the folks who never get that stride back. They live under a dark cloud constantly. These are the folks who will always find something negative to say no matter what. They see the happy couple on the bus and will actually say out loud "its all great till he cheats. Worthless men!" or "Yea she snuggles up so she can get hold of your wallet buddy!" They can find negativity in a picture of a cute puppy. "Cute till it sheds on the sofa and pees on the rug!" So dark is the cloud over these peoples lives that they refuse to see a ray of sunshine in anything and often make it a point to share the rain. They go out of their way to cut down anyone who shows any sign of joy.
On line, these are the people that will show up to a site and complain about anything they see. If there is a discussion going on, they will find something about the topic to complain about. If the conversation is positive they will find something negative to say about the person running the site or discussion. Even this blog is open to the attacks of the terminally miserable.
Nothing i have said to this very point in any way attacks or forces opinion on anyone. But i can almost guarantee there will be someone who will read it and find something to complain about. For that person; i am not saying ever that if you have an opinion you are not entitled to it. I am not ever going to say that if you feel unhappy, you are not entitled to feel that way either. What i am saying is that those who are happy...are entitled to be happy too, even if it makes you jealous.
And please do not confuse negative remarks with "trying to protect some innocent person". If the couple on the bus are strangers, you are not "offering good advice". You are being intrusive and down right nasty judging people you don't even know.
I can hear the howling now. "Arnt YOU being judgemental in writing this??"...Well..no. I have not pointed a finger or said a single name. I have judged no one. I have opened a discussion about negative behavior. And if that sends someone into a tailspin, then perhaps that person needs to take a long look in the mirror. Of course, having said that, i also know these words are not going to mean a thing to that person. Nothing i or anyone else says is ever going to make a difference to the miserable until they want it to.
Here is where the "art" part of this blog comes in. America's great forefathers wrote a document that formed a nation. In that document they wrote "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness". You see, life and liberty are already rights we are born with (until someone does something to lose that right of course). But happiness is another animal entirely. Our forefathers already knew THAT animal has to be hunted down and taken on ones own.
Things were different in that time too. There was no such thing as "instant gratification". If you wanted light you spent hours making candles. If you wanted bread and roasted veggies, you baked the bread by hand and grew the damn veggies then cut them THEN roasted them (about four months in the making from start to finish). Now-a-days we flick a switch and there is light. We pop a box in the nuker and have dinner in two minutes. Heck, go online or make a call and have it cooked, wrapped and delivered! Unfortunately we have come to just believe that instant gratification applies to all of life. We expect someone or something else doing the work and handing us what we want.
And that has carried into our emotional behaviors as well. How often have you heard the term "find someone to make me happy"? Really? Is it someone else's responsibility to "make you happy"? Is it even possible for someone else to "make" you feel anything?
The fact is, you could have your dream date walk off the movie screen with a billion dollars in their pocket and whisk you away. But if you are miserable and have not faced WHY you are miserable, well a year later you will STILL be miserable. No one can make an unhappy person happy. Only the person who is unhappy can decide to change that.
Your dream date may bring MORE happiness, but not can not "fix" you emotionally. You still have to figure out what is causing the pain and CHOOSE to deal with it. If a person is lonely and chooses not to take a chance on a date because they were hurt in the past, they will stay lonely. If they are unhappy in a marriage but refuse to get couples counselling or even a divorce...yup..they stay miserable.
It is interesting to note, too, that these are the same people who come up with every excuse imaginable to NOT do something to improve their life. They don't want to do the work. They want someone else to solve their problem for them.
The broke and jobless person who sits at home and plays the "lottery retirement plan" is waiting for money they have not earned to be handed to them rather than get a job. And before someone complains...yes i know there are those who may have physical or mental limitation. This is (i believe obviously) about the people who CAN but choose not to.
So what about the pain and grief we may face and CANT change? Losing a loved one is something we have no power to control. And believe me, i know how dark that hole is. It is deep, vast, and seems endless. But it is actually only as deep and endless as you want it to be. Yes in some cases a person may need professional help to work their way out. But if they choose not to seek that help, then have made the choice to stay in the hole.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it will be easy (which is why some prefer to stay in the hole) or that once you have risen above the problem or pain that it will go away. I still cry sometimes for people i lost years ago. That pain will never just "go away". Ever. But i made the conscious decision that i would not give away my life to it. I would learn to let myself feel joy too. The ones i lost...would be heartbroken if i let their deaths end the joy in my life.
How did i learn to do this? By not being angry at Lil Miss Sunshine. It took a lot of work at first. It felt fake at first too. But i would meet her eye and smile and wish her a good morning too. I would try to find something about her that i liked. Her smile was bright or her hair was pretty...anything to STOP feeling that jealous anger for her being happy. I also had to look at the people i lost and realize..that if ALL i thought about was that i lost them, then their entire lives and all the love they gave me were wasted. I was not giving them any credit or thanks for the happy times. Instead i was wallowing in my self pity because i could not touch them or see them. I learned its OK to miss them and cry from time to time. But not OK to be mad at the world, fate, God, or little green men from mars. That was never going to help me or anyone in my life that still needed me to be me.
And how does this all tie into D/s?? Too often i see the jaded and angry put down people around them for being happy. Too often i hear backhanded comments about Master, sis and myself. Yes W/we really ARE that happy. And yes, W/we all deserve that joy too. Too many people either tell U/us outright they are jealous or spend hours trying to ruin the things W/we work for.
Its not just U/us either. These terminally miserable people will light into anyone who dares to smile or share a happy moment. If they spent even a tenth of the time wasted on their anger, into facing their problems and making the effort to find their own happiness...But of course that would mean actually having to try.
I'm sorry if Suzie the Miserable Subbie or Don the Miserable Dom had a bad relationship, marriage, childhood, job, life etc. I really am. But i cant change that or fix it. Only YOU can make that decision.
A Dominant cant solve your problems. They can offer advice and even give you the direction. YOU still have to do the work. No submissive can "make" a Dominant happy by kneeling. Eventually the things they cant fix are going to rise up again. And no Dom or sub you meet is going to change that either. No relationship will work if you are not willing to do the work, face fears, and LET yourself be happy.
My final Sub-Stance: You are the captain of your own ship. If you want to set sail to that oasis of happiness and joy then you have to hoist the sails and set the course. If the sails need mending then you have to do the work to mend them. Spitting into the wind because you have no sail is only going to get you dirty. Happy Sailing!!
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