Saturday, December 10, 2011

Internal Enslavement part 5 - "Submission in stages"

This is the fifth essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "Submission in stages" and will focus on the development of a submissive that engages in an M/s relationship to reflect on various possibilities to strengthen the intimate bond between Dominant and submissive. What facilitates and what threatens enslavement in D/s context?
Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK.

0. Introduction

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership". When the authors of the IE website speak of a "natural slave" they mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.

1. Conditions that allow the growth of an M/s bond up to the enslavement of the submissive

I guess we all are aware that no intimate relationship of a Dominant and a submissive can successfully work longterm without the pillars safety sanity and consentuality (--> "informed consent"). The conditions for an intimate relationship involving the D/s dynamic pretty much seem to be the same as for any kind of intimate relationship, of the BDSM kind or not.

The solid ground is "matching characters/compatibility", mutual attraction, mutual respect, honesty, openness, a tight bond of trust, mutual commitment and the will of the partners involved to actively work on the success of the relationship which also includes will and ability to self reflect and to communicate.

So, when we have the solid ground and these nice pillars, what will prevent the solid material
from crumbling when time is taking effect after the first bliss of a new D/s relationship?

If you hung on the lips of some grand self-proclaimed Masters and Mistresses, You might think it is rules that rule. Have a good rule set and all will go smoothly and longterm. Nice ideologies. Let's look at the reality of being humans. I say ... the most important thing that will prevent a D/s relationship from crumbling to pieces after the first bliss is over, is ENJOYMENT. In this a D/s relationship is not really different from any kind of intimate relationship, right? Just the areas and methods of finding enjoyment might be different.

* Enjoyment of the other person and how he/she is.
* Enjoyment of oneself in the relationship ... enjoyment of Your role as submissive or Dominant or switch ... enjoyment of how one can be due to the fact of being together with the Dominant or submissive partner.
*Enjoyment of the mental and emotional aspects of D/s and their effect on one's own and the other's mind and heart.
*Enjoyment of having control or enjoyment of giving control away. Enjoyment of experiencing the partner in control-loss or in control.
* Enjoyment of the physical aspects of a D/s relationship, for example SM practise (if involved).

Finally, it should also be bourne in mind when considering potential Masters or slaves that Internal Enslavement is necessarily built while living together, and this will involve the submissive joining the dominant's household at some point.

Tanos writes: "It is considerably easier to evaluate genuine compatibility if dominant and submissive can spend time together regularly before moving - for instance, spending every weekend at one house or the other, or spending an extended period of "everyday" time together (eg a few weeks, and not just a holiday.) "

For this reason, there is often a risk associated with starting a long-distance relationship in the hope that it will lead to enslavement, since you may not be able to fully evaluate whether you are compatible before it is time to live together if the relationship is to progress.

In this context I would now like to mention some unplesant things that occur in too many long distance relationships that came into existence by online contact.

2. Unhealthy conditions - example: Myths used to deceive submissives
(source of info:

a) Online training

Online training is the most common distraction from a genuine search for M/s. A number of men with no intention and/or no talent of establishing enslavement seek to attract women with a genuine need for an M/s relationship.

One ploy is to offer some form of online training which is claimed to increase the submissive's attractiveness to potential Masters. Online training can lead to periods of short term dominance, which go some way to satisfying this need in some submissive women.
However, because submissives always retain final control in online submission (by withdrawing if necessary) they are ultimately unsatisfying - in particular, Reactance cannot normally be overcome if submissives are expected to "dominate themselves" into obedience.

b) Formal Mentoring

Formal Mentoring is often a more sophisticated variant of the Online Training ploy, and isn't limited to online environments.

There have been respectable traditions of mentoring in some parts of BDSM's history (in particular, the Old Guard Leather subculture among gay men up to the mid 1970's).
However, it is commonly used in online communities to enable dominants to obtain committed submission without taking any responsibility, and without making clear their motivation.
In particular, mentoring is frequently portrayed as some form of public service that the dominant does to "give back to the Lifestyle", and in which he will train the submissive in some way, encourage her to explore her self and filter out unsuitable potential Masters for her.

Tanos clearly states on
"Although I do agree that would-be slaves can learn some useful things in relationships of submission outside of Enslavement, I believe the true motivations of all involved should be made clear from the start. For dominants, this will normally include their desire to control, understand and be served by submissives, and such relationships may be better viewed as limited Service with opportunities to learn, rather than purely as Mentoring." (cited from

I would like to underline "DESIRE TO CONTROL".
If a self-proclaimed Master has no deep desire, even need, to control, then an M/s relationship cannot work longterm. And with desire and need there come up the question for TALENT.
Is the "Master" willing and able to invest the great efforts it takes to take control?
Le's look at the sub: Des he/she have the need to be in control? Ad is he/she able to truly cope with control loss and enjoying it? It comes down to the question if the sub is what Tanos calls "a natural slave" that has another way to experience and deal with reactance than other people have. evertheless, in most cases, the best source of guidance for an inexperienced female submissive is usually a circle of other submissive friends with similar needs, rather than a dominant. .

c) Secret Training Houses

Let''s see what Tanos wrote about them:
"Secret Training Houses is one of the most suprising myths to persist online, and probably owes its origin to the mysterious slave-training chateau in the "Story of O"."

"Typically, a dominant will claim to be part of a worldwide, underground network of training houses, decry the falling standards in BDSM today compared to the "Old School", "European" or "Formal" standards of his youth (he has been "in the Lifestyle" either exactly 20 or exactly 30 years) and then tell the enthralled submissive that he can tell even through her computer screen that she is good enough for him to introduce into his organisation... " (cited from

As these examples may illustrate, it is not at all easy to find a good, well-,matching Dominant or submissive partner that is actually worth investing Yourself into a committed relationship with him/her. But I don't want to cling to the negatives here. Let's see how submission may develop if a sub actually went into good Dominant hands and conditions are set for establishing a well-working longterm D/s relationship up to the bond of M/s, with the submissive being enslaved property of his/her Master/Mistress.

3. Submission in Stages

The initial phase of starting and building on an M/s relationship is a most delicate time: The sub and the Dom might already have a well working D/s bond, but for a Master-slave relationship more is needed. Of course, we hear the question ring on the mind if this all isn't an ideal, a fantasy, also by presenting it as something "different" that requires "more" than the "usual". Something that requires a "diploma", one could think. But in fact it is nothing but about nature. No forcing it makes sense, things should just happen as they naturally fit with people.

There is the apparent contradiction of consensual non-consent: The submissive needs to change from a willing supplicant, seeking eslavement, into a slave held in her Master's possession. One of the pillars of a D/s relationship, as we know, is consent. This implies that a submissive usually has freedoms that have been negotiated. A submissive can say no and leave a D/s relationship, for example. A submissive can always safe-word.

Now, when a submissive becomes a Master's possession as His/Her enslaved property, there potentially is a tension between the freedoms the submissive still has and the authority the Master needs to progressively acquire. uthority that is also grounded in a Master's/Mistresse's need for control. control He/She will take from the slave and simply use as He/She pleases, let's hope responsibly. An authority of the Master/Mistress that induces the sub seeking enslavement to "consent to nonconsent", so to speak. A power that lets the sub turn over his/her powers and control to the Master/Mistress completely, becoming His/Her property that is being cared for and that is being decided on.
Now, what is so diffcult about it? Progress can be halted and the Master's authority undermined by a reactive submissive selectively vetoing his decisions to prove to herself she is still free. Which is in fact the reason why "Total Power Exchange" seems to remain a matter of fantasy and ideals, not appearing apt to withstand the reality of relationships. And it is a
very natural thing, nothing to be criticized or despised as trait of the "less developed form" of submission. In fact, such inner rebellion against a Dom's command could be rooted in the antropological need for freedom and as such is not to be judged negatively. It is about being human.

Reactance, the emotional reaction towards restriction of freedom, helps us reflect when we are in unsafe situations and thank God this natural mechanism cannot be submerged by any external control. It is up to the subject how to act if reactance is felt.
If i felt uncomfortable with a command of my Dominant and felt reactance, but nevertheless did it because it is His will and I were eager to please Him, it is likely that it at the same time fulfilled a deep need within me to be controlled and to feel the bliss as soon as i got over the reactance peak.

"Submission in Stages" is a model that can help with the transition of the sub, being in relationship with the Dominant and still having several things of herself and some freedoms, to an enslaved sub/slave that is owned posession of a Master, having turned over the control/power into the hopefully capable hands and braincells and heart of the Master (--> Power Exchange). To put in a nutshell, it is as if the Dominant was cutting the big cake that we call "Total Power Exchange" (full enslavement) into smaller pieces, then feeding them to the sub bit by bit, so that the sub can have time to get used to the new aspects in the nature of their M/s relationship and have the chance to consent to each of these bits individually.

Tanos writes: "In this approach, the dominant lays out stages of increasing authority transfer which the submissive consents to as her trust increases. For example, one stage might give the dominant authority to require domestic service, a respectful attitude and control over what the submissive wears, but exclude the right to demand sexual access, control over finances, choice of job, where she lives etc." (cited from

So you could say, this all happens prior to slavery, as this "cake feeding" period is a phase of voluntary submission, and the sub always has the right to consent or not consent to each of the single "cake pieces". During this phase it is always clear how far the dominant's authority is guaranteed; the submissive retains reassuring control over aspects of her life which she still feels she cannot give up; progress is made at her pace; but the path is still defined by the Dominant. Submission in Stages can either be agreed verbally or by written agreements or even with formal contracts.

Such "voluntary submission" can also be described as "service", and "submitting and being in service to a Dominant" is different to "Being property of a Dominant". During the "Submission in stages" phase we have a service D/s relationship, not yet achieved enslavement and not yet achieved the sub's status as possession of the Dominant. "However, we should stress that the Internal Enslavement process will already have begun right from a supplicant's first meeting, by building trust and opening up the submissive's Self to the dominant." (Tanos, cited from

"The "emotional" acceptance of the dominant's authority will usually be deeper than the sub's "rational" acceptance during this phase - that is, there may be aspects of her life which she does not yet think she could lose control over; but if confronted by the dominant taking control of them, she discovers she can in fact accept it." (Tanos)

I call this phase when the sub is starting to feel alignment of the will of the Dominant with her own needs. Such alignment is so to speak the "Vital IT" of any intimate relationship, and without it no relationship is going to work well longterm.

Tanos also gives this advice to Dominants who wish to enslave a submissive: "A techinique like Submission in Stages can yield more reliable and quicker results than a trial and error process of the dominant continually testing how far his authority extends, since the errors continually undermine trust and authority."

So, what follows "Submission in Stages", if it has gone on successfully and led to ENJOYMENT and inner alignment and contentment for both, the potential Master of the potential slave?

Final stage: The sub accepts the dominant's authority over all aspects of her life, and confirms her desire to become his slave. This can happen after some weeks, and with other submissives craving enslavement, after some months of D/s relationship with the prospective Master. With this Consent to Enslavement in place, the work of building her emotional acceptance of her slavery can proceed.

So, to come to an end here, let me put a Dominant's main task in words if He/She dreamt of enslaving a submissive and becoming his/her owner:

written by Mirjam Munro, December 2011

Monday, December 5, 2011

Reactance in D/s context

According to an essay on the Internal Enslavement website ( a "natural slave" shows a lower level of reactance and another way of dealing with it than people who do not have this trait.

What is reactance?

In November 2011 i wrote the following text about reactance, what it means and how it plays out for me in the context of D/s. I hope for many of You sharing Your thoughts and experiences on this interesting topic as well.

"To me, reactance is a feeling of rebellion against restriction. It is a positive thing, cause without it, i might not have the reflectivity and emotional energy to fight if my freedom was restricted against my will, this means non consentually. An example: When I get too many tasks put on my shoulders by my boss at work and that do not fit with my usual job role, I feel reactance.

Reactance is something that each human feels in every day life, in many areas. Reactance belongs to the traits of being human, and this is no surprise as freedm is a high good for mankind.

Now, in my D/s relationship, I enjoy being restricted by my Master. I feel much less reactance when He restricts my freedom and I even crave it. It puts me in mental bliss . I want to be controlled by my Master. The big difference to what I described before is: This all happens consentually. I want it to happen. I trust my Master in dealing with me harshly but never beyond my hard limits. I feel safe because I know He utterly respects my hard limits. And this safety makes me feel much less reactance, or even none when He restricts my freedom (physcially or "mentally", by giving orders, by permitting and not permitting certain things and actions etc.)

It happens that I first feel "inner rebellion" against something He does or that He commands me to do. Then I feel reactance. Reactance makes me alert and aware. It switches my mind "ON" and lets me reflect if I am still in the safe zone. And then I feel ... oh yes I am, cause I know my Master is totally trustworthy. I know it from experience. I know it from His eyes, His voice ... I know it from how He deals with me. I feel it in my heart ... and then I push myself to go through it and get beyond the peakpoint of reactance and fall into bliss. Feeling "one" with what is happening, giving in completely, and not feeling any inner resistance or reactance. And I crave this feeling.

I find it interesting that Tanos used reactance to describe the being of a "Natural slave" on the IE Website ... submissives who seems to feel a lower level of reactance when freedom is restricted , and who even seem to crave it and fall into blisswhen they got beyond the peakpoint of reactance are called "natural slaves", according to the article on the IE website.

Last not least: Towards ANYONE that restricted my freedom or tried to restrict it, I would feel a normal level of reactance, i think, and i would fight for restoring my freedom. But towards my SPECIAL ONE, my Master, I react differently ... cause what He does and decides is what I consented to. Cause what He does and decides has proven to be good for me in my experience with Him. And because I feel safe with HIm and trust Him completely.

In all of me that is His,there is no room for reactance, cause rebellion against what He decides and does can only happen in something that is "outside of my Master" and that does not belong to Him. And yes, if i had a non responsible Dominant that would not care for me well enough, then it would be damn good to keep some parts to myself and feel the reactance that could save me and bring me out of a situation and if needed, completely away from such a man.

And yes, thank God we have this mechanism. We need it for reflection, to be able to safeword (reactance makes us aware something is not right) - even with best intentions a responsible Master might fail at times and go too far or catch us in a bad situation. And when a relationship is new ... we damn need reactance to feel in our guts when we don't feel comfortable with a Dominant that might not give us the feeling of safety, that might not be trustworthy, that might even be abusive.

So to me reactance is very positive, and the experience of not feeling it when being with my Master is utterly awesome as well."

(written by mirjam in November 2011)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

~=Interview With A Financial Domme=~
Nov. 25th, 2011

Baroness Eisenhart: Welcome. Anything I can do for you?

Jovial Denimore: Hi. What kind of SIM is this?

Baroness Eisenhart: It's also a FinDom sim. Beside the FemDom part. We are specialists in draining moneypigs and offer certain brainfucks.

Jovial Denimore: Interesting. How does that work here? The FinDom part?

Baroness Eisenhart: Ummm... better than I ever thought

Jovial Denimore: Lol! Ive been to a few FinDom sims in the past but they never really seem to last very long here in SL.

Baroness Eisenhart: All our Mistresses together make around L$XXXK a month. And that's enough to pay the tier I guess ;)

Jovial Denimore: So here, Mistresses are hired?

Baroness Eisenhart: Not right now but I will continue to expand. We have 5 Mistresses here right now.

Jovial Denimore: Do you just let anyone come and do this?

Baroness Eisenhart: Of course not. FinDom is war...

Jovial Denimore: LOL! I've been to some in the past where there are only one or two for an entire sim. Others the Mistresses have to pay a certain amount of "rent" to be there.

Baroness Eisenhart: Well here they get a cut from what they earn. They have no costs and no risk.

Jovial Denimore: How long have you been open?

Baroness Eisenhart: Umm... 2 and a half months now. The redlight district will be opened next week officially. I'm still finishing it.

Jovial Denimore: Wow you have a lot of traffic accroding to SL search engine for only being open 2 months. Thats pretty cool.

Baroness Eisenhart: Hmmm... To be honest i don't care about traffic.

Jovial Denimore: How long have you been doing this and into FinDom?

Baroness Eisenhart: In SL since about 3 years now. But I always enjoyed to manipulate people in RL before.

Jovial Denimore: Lol!

Baroness Eisenhart: Making them my little puppets ^^ Yes.. that's what excites me...

Jovial Denimore: This is so interesting. For years since ive beenin SL, I've tried to figure this all out. In the general BDSM Community, FinDom is a huge taboo.

Baroness Eisenhart: Ask and I will answer. I'm not afraid of competition, because I'm best. Many tried to copy me and my methods, but they all failed ^^

Jovial Denimore: I've heard pig, money pig, money slave and a few other variations. Is it all the same thing or are there differences?

Baroness Eisenhart: It's all the same- cash cow, etc.

Jovial Denimore: Here in SL FinDom is a big thing, but a lot of the SIMs don't last very long. There is a huge interest in it here but no one really seems to know where it comes from and there are no set commonalities between the SIMs.

Baroness Eisenhart: I see. Well, maybe because they are all competition.

Jovial Denimore: Thats probably a very good reason for sure. There also doesn't seem to be a basic culture for FinDom, not really anyway.

Baroness Eisenhart: There are many fakes and people trying to FinDom. They harm our image and try to steal our pigs. That's why you don't talk much about it. But there is a little basic. Because there's something all FinDommes have in common. All FinDommes are a tiny bit paranoid.

Jovial Denimore: Why do you say that all FinDoms have a some paranoia in common?

Baroness Eisenhart: You have to invest a lot of time to prepare someone to be a profitable pig. Pigs get weak and when there comes another Mistress wiggling her ass. Related to the avatars it's 50:50 and there is a difference between men and women. Women desire to get forced into prostitution and such- violent fantasies. Whereas men like to be used and ruined. But I really don't care if there is a male or female behind an avatar. The result is all that counts.

Jovial Denimore: Right. What did you mean by there is a lot of preperation? Do you mean trust building or something else? Making freinds?

Baroness Eisenhart: That's the art of manipulation, making pigs return, brainfuck them that they don't get you out of their heads ever again.

Jovial Denimore: I imagine too that to be a FinDom, you have to be very creative to set up scenarios and such.

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes, to find the key to the pig's mind. But you also have to be very attentive to filter information.

Jovial Denimore: Do you consider what you do to be Pro-Domming? Or do you consider FinDom to be different than being a Pro-Domme?

Baroness Eisenhart: In my eyes it's Pro-Domming. You need a lot of experiences to be a good FinDomme. The buttons you have to press to brainfuck a moneypig.

Jovial Denimore: What is the longest you've ever kept a money pig? I imagine they don't stay very long or go look for something new?. Like its a rush for them that maybe can't ever be satisfied.

Baroness Eisenhart: Oh... there's one I have since two years.

Jovial Denimore: Wow thats pretty long time. Longest I've heard of in SL.

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes indeed. Making them addicted to you is very important, as it is to control their RLs.

Jovial Denimore: I was just about to ask if you think this is an addiction for them.

Baroness Eisenhart: It is. But you can compare it food, some people like apples for example, others not, and if you try to like it, it's only a half-hearted thing.

Jovial Denimore: Do you take any safeguards for people? Like if they are almost broke that they don't give all their money away as to lose their way of taking care of themselves in RL?

Baroness Eisenhart: That's easy maths. Where do I profit from: Someone who pays me $4000 and is ruined financially or someone who tributes $500 regularly?

Jovial Denimore: Right

Baroness Eisenhart: It's some kind of responsibility you have for your pigs.

Jovial Denimore: Do you find people are honest about their RL financial situation though when it comes to things like that?

Baroness Eisenhart laughs. 'Yesterday we had a visitor offering me diamonds (he was talking about RL diamonds) and such. I kicked him. I heard such stories way too often. I don't care if he had those diamonds or not. I banned him because if someone thinks he can buy me, he is totally wrong here. I don't let anyone push me, because I'm not a cheap whore.'

Jovial Denimore: Right, so I can imagine after time it gets easier to tell who's lying.

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes, experiences.

Jovial Denimore: Do you think there are a lot of men who think that is what FinDom is about? About buying you so you do what they want?

Baroness Eisenhart: Of course not. I do what I want and they get nothing in exchange unless I want them to get anything. Like another brainfuck.

Jovial Denimore: Right, and thats why I asked if you see this as Pro-Domming because to me, a Pro-Domme gets paid to do what the buyer wants. But a FinDomme keeps the control the entire time and decides if the "buyer" will get anything at all. The ProDomme guy wants the action where the FinDomme guy just gets off on the sheer giving of money and giving that 'power' to someone else.

Baroness Eisenhart: Something like that. In fact, I get drained [they give me all] for offering them a satisfaction of their needs- the feeling to serve a Domme and to be used by her. Further more they like the thrill of the danger to get ruined.

Jovial Denimore: How long have you been interested in this? You had mentioned you liked manipulating people in RL for some time. Was there a moment or one particular event that made you KNOW this was something you really liked?

Baroness Eisenhart bites her lips: 'Yes... there was...'

Jovial Denimore smiles. 'Would you mind sharing?'

Baroness Eisenhart: It's better not to... let's say I'm a girl who gets everything she wants...

Jovial Denimore: Lol! So do you consider this to be a fetish/kink for yourself and for the people who come here? And do you think it is part of BDSM or something not from the traditional BDSM as we understand it?

Baroness Eisenhart: It is BDSM for sure because it's not sex, but an art of dominance. You are responsible for a pig as you are for a normal slave and it's consensual.

Jovial Denimore: What responsibilities does a Mistress have to her pigs?

Baroness Eisenhart: Since FinDom effects the RL you have to talk about RL sorrows, financial problems, etc.

Jovial Denimore: Ah ok, so there are some "negotiations" that take place?

Baroness Eisenhart: Something like that, yes. And that's the core of FinDom: Being a caring, but ruthless Mistress.

Jovial Denimore: And there are a lot of misconceptions in SL, and RL about this. People meet women who say they are FinDommes, but they are just abusive. From all you have said to me here, your core belief system and how you do this, it isn't like that.

Baroness Eisenhart: Pigs want abusive women. That's their kink.

Jovial Denimore: Lol!

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes. That's what they want- being cashraped. And that's why many pigs act like whores. They leave you after they had some fun. But one thing is for sure, they all crawl back one day.

Jovial Denimore: But I mean, you don't just take $4000 and force them agains their will. It's what they want. It is a consensual act.

Baroness Eisenhart: This is still SL so everything here is consensual, due to the virtual world. A pig can always log, can stop voicing, or a cam session.

Jovial Denimore: I've met several men who say that they were forced and are now traumatized from a FinDom in SL situation. This is where I think FinDom gets a bad reputation, but as you said, they can log.

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes. Forced in SL? That's impossible unless they agreed before. How can I blackmail them for example if they don't hand me RL pictures?

Jovial Denimore: What do you think of the human ATM machines in SL or those wallets where one can take money from a person's Linden account whenever they wish?

Baroness Eisenhart: Those devices are also consensual. Because you can withdraw the L$ he/she has only, there's the limit for the Domme. If a pig has L$20 only, you only get L$20. I think it's a safe method for both sides.

Jovial Denimore: For a Domme who would like to explore and learn about this kink, what advice would you give on becoming informed about this lifestyle and also what to do to get started?

Baroness Eisenhart: I wouldn't waste my time with those Dommes. Remember the apple? Either you like apples or not. Either you get excited by taking money or not. It's nothing you can learn.

Jovial Denimore: How about for a sub/slave/pig who would like to do it? Any advice for them?

Baroness Eisenhart: It's the same. If a slave is not into FinDom, he/she will never be.

Baroness Eisenhart: Would you get excited by paying me money? Probably not and you never will. That's why I call FinDom a fetish.

Jovial Denimore: Lol, no, not giving money to you. But I do enjoy it when my subs give me money and I've had a sub who does this for me in from SL to RL. So we worked our way into it slowly starting from Lindens to Amazon gift cards, etc., and now over time it has become something more. So for me, I see it as fetish too and its why im so cuious about it but as I said since there is no standard, and not a lot of information. But it does very much arouse me. I'm still apprehansive about demanding it or expecting though. Not sure if thats a guilt thing or not knowing how to really do it.

Baroness Eisenhart: Sure, but if the basics are missing you can't produce a profitable pig. Time will teach you to figure out the right method, if there is one because all pigs are different. Like BDSM, some Mistresses act as if they invented it.

Jovial Denimore: Lol, yes. Also, and maybe I'm wrong about this, I feel the pig should look for the Mistress, not that the Mistress should poach.

Baroness Eisenhart: Exactly. I never run after any pig. That's a question of pride and style. Further more, they will come back one day and pay to apology.

Jovial Denimore: That I have seen a lot in SL, women who poach and to me its never felt like FinDom, more like just women who "play" at it and also where to me that crosses the line between abuse and the fetish itself of actually enjoying it and getting off on it.

Jovial Denimore: Do you have limits on what you will and wont do?

Baroness Eisenhart: No. But once again, I decide what will happen, not the pig. If pigs don't agree on that, they can move along.

Jovial Denimore: Have you ever seen male Dominants into FinDom? I've never seen it in SL myself and always wondered about that.

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes, some. But there are only a few. And in my eyes it's better if we don't have any males.

Jovial Denimore: How come?

Baroness Eisenhart: Imagine the strong protector who begs for money and on the other hand, the sexy bitch manipulating you. I know it's quite polemic, but FinDom is nothing a pig expects from a male.

Jovial Denimore: So you mean that male Dominants shouldn't FinDom female subs?

Baroness Eisenhart: Remember what I said about the difference between men and women? If they "play" forced prostitution that's fine, but this has nothing to do with FinDom.

Jovial Denimore: How often are you here in SL doing this?

Baroness Eisenhart: Each and every day. Responsibility for my pigs, remember?

Jovial Denimore smiles

Jovial Denimore: I really, really appreciate you speaking so openly with me about all of this. I've met a lot of people over the years with FinDom SIMs who are not very nice to say the least. They don't want to talk about it.

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes. I'm best. That's why I don't fear any competition. And as you can see everything I say makes sense.

Jovial Denimore: Yes it does. And I've felt those who didn't want to talk about it didn't because they didn't know what they where doing or were playing at it.

Baroness Eisenhart: You need that bad girl image as a FinDom. That's what excites pigs.

Jovial Denimore: Well, I have one final question. I am co-owner of a group called Adult Community Education Society. We provide learning opportunities for all sorts of things related to "adult" lifestyles in SL. I was wondering if I could feature this chat as an interview and post it to our group, Fetlife page and ACES Blog? Over time as we were talking and I was asking more questions, I thought would be great as article/interview. I really appreciate your openness. I would really like for people to see what FinDom is and hopefully stop it from being so taboo.

Baroness Eisenhart: You're very welcome. Of course it's okay. I knew that this question would come up. There is one thing I can give all FinDommes and such planning to be one as an advice: Always be in control of each and every situation. Filtering information, as it was in your case. I had a look at your profile and after the third question I knew already that you were going to interview me.

Jovial Denimore: Its nice you didn't then change how you spoke about everything because one thing I really enjoyed from the beginning was how direct and confident you are about what you do and how you believe in it.

Baroness Eisenhart: It was nothing but another manipulation ^^ I gave you the answer for a nice article...^^

Jovial Denimore: Lol!

Baroness Eisenhart: Yes, that's the secret of being a successful Domme: Always be in charge. Control each and every situation whatever you do and profit from it.

Jovial Denimore: Lol! Indeed.

Baroness Eisenhart blows you a kiss: 'Any more question, puppet?' sticks out her tongue.

Jovial Denimore: Well, I'm going to get going and let you get back to working on the rules and such. Again, I really appreciate your time and I enjoyed meeting you :)

Baroness Eisenhart: You're so welcome. Take care =)

Jovial Denimore: You as well :)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

New Adult HUB for Secondlife Users

We are proud to present a brandnew info on new developments in Second Life's ADULT LIFE to You today. On Monday, November 14th 2011, the new Adult Hub opened (the former adult hub for SL was on Zindra mainland but it did not bring as output what Linden Labs had hoped to achieve by it). Preparations are still being done and people are busy working on the Adult HUB SIMs to make the experience for the future users of the HUB best as possible. The official launch date for the Adult HUB is announced for December 2nd 2011.

Linden Labs had put out a tender a few months ago asking for residents to present proposals to make a new way of helping people who do not nessesarily know what adult services and activites are avallable in Second Life. The bid run by the Freedom Continent was successful.

So please, if You are meeting more newbie avatars and/or people new to BDSM and/or more people with questions on one of the Freedom Continent SIMs in future - for example at the ACES Headquarters parcel on the SIM Respect - , don't be surprised and be aware they might have come over from the new Adult HUB SIMs that are locally close on the GRID. It would be awesome if You could help these people further.

The new Adult Hub will be the place where people who are doing searches for adult-themed communities and content will be redirected to in SL. The Adult Hub will serve as an information center which will be staffed with both volunteers and paid greeters to assist new people to SL, and new to Adult themed content in SL, find what they are looking for in SL. Help from how to set up the avatar, change clothes, get viewer setting rights and such to how to where to find speciality SIMs (educational sims, leisure time fun stuff, adult-themed, general SL events, etc).

The current Adult hub consists of 5 sims. The central Hub is for all aspects of Adult life in a little detail and to direct people to one of the 4 further surrounding Sims depending on what they wish to know.

HERE IS THE SLURL: Hub/137/138/55

The four other HUB Sims around the center SIM are the CARP/Roleplay hub, the Sex hub, the Gor/Medieval hub and the BDSM/Fetish hub. Each of the sims represents and focuses on their own area of the adult life in second life.

The staff of the hubs are required to provide information about the topic of the HUB Sim that they work in, be it from personal experiance, academic knowledge, notecards and boards that will be on the Sims, right down to direction people to other adult Sims in Second Life where they can find out more information or the adult experience that they wish.

CURRENTLY GREETERS ARE BEING HIRED TO WORK ON ONE OF THE ADULT HUB SIMs, they will be paid 25 L$ per hour. If You are interested to work at the Adult HUB and help adult users of SL, then please apply by sending a notecard to Naaman McMahon. A few members of the D/s academy are already working at the Adult HUB.

Sims are not required to join the Freedom Continent at the location of the new Adult HUB to be recognised by the HUB as this is for the whole of the adult world in second life, not a handful.

We hope that the new adult HUB will help keep our adult communities growing and help newcomers find a positive support system and resources.

If you have any questions, please contact Mirjam Munro, Sidius Core, Naaman Mcmahon, JeZeBeLe Dagger, or Jovial Denimore. The main responsible person for the Adult HUB is Serjourn Daxter, the head manager of the Freedom Continent.

Many thanks to Naaman McMahon and Jovial Denimore for providing the major parts of this information text

Interesting related links to read:

Enjoy Your adult SL experience and come explore the new ADULT HUB,

Mirjam Munro
D/s academy director
ACES Facilitator
Member of the Freedom Continent Director's Board
Staff of the Adult HUB

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Internal Enslavement 4 - "Finding Enslavement part 1 - The Dominance Economy"

This is the fourth essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "Finding Enslavement" and I am going to adress some of the issues involved in finding a dominant or submissive with which to build an Internal Enslavement (IE) relationship. In the following You can read about the Dominance Economy, statistical data and its consequences for submissives. In the second article om "Findind Enslavement" You can read about places to use for partner search and myths used to deceive submissives online. Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK.

1. Introduction

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. According to Tanos the answer is yes. Radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards to step by step, and you can make more and more achievements towards this goal. Tanos also believes that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership". When we speak of a "Natural Slave" we mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.

Let us assume a submissive feels that he/she might be a "natural slave" or already knows that he/she is and desires to live in an M/s relationship with a responsible Master/Mistress. Or let us assume the submissive wants to find out if living as slave and property of a Master/Mistress is something that fits with his/her nature and helps him/her to find comfort and fulfillment in life. One might think that finding enslevement is easy as there seem to be so many people out there who embrace this concept, at least by what they say or write in profiles throughout the internet. Yet it is not ... at least it is not easy for a submissive who is interested in Internal Enslavement to find a responsible Master/Mistress that matches well with his/her personality and needs. And this has to do with "The Dominance Economy". Let's read more about this in the following.

2. "The Dominance Economy"

People who have participated in the mainstream BDSM Scene will have noticed that there are far more men than women - online in chatrooms, forums and mailinglists, but also at real-life events like munches and club nights. Tanos collected statistical data on this phenomenon, by doing a survey via the general UK BDSM website "Informed Consent". Over 1200 people participated in the survey that every site member was offered, and 887 of them were male, but only 384 females. By the survey, they also explored the interest of people in dominance and submission. Surprisingly, 50 out of 384 women responded by "ultimate interest" in submission (scale 0-5, 0 no interest at all to 5 very high interest, and together with the ones who said "high interest" in submission they found out that 168 of the 384 female participants in the survey describe themselves as extremely submissive women. While only very few females described themselves as "extremely dominant", around 170 of the participating males saw themselves as "extremely dominant". This is statistically equivalent to the 168 women with the complementary bias towards extreme submission. Consequently, the numbers of males and females who would be seeking relationships between male Masters and female slaves, should at best be roughly equal.

Now, if a man is highly interested in being "extremely dominant" and finding the complementary female to take her as his slave, this does not mean he will be successful with the search and relationship performance. Tanos writes:

"Due to the Master's leading role in the relationship, his competence in managing his and his slave's life plays a central role in its success or failure. Attributes such as experience, responsibility, reliability and knowledge of techniques of Enslavement and aspects of BDSM are highly sought after by submissives looking for Masters." (

Corresponding traits are valuable (and indeed common) among female submissives, but they do not seem to be as essential to their desirability as the traits of dominants are. Let us again read Tanos:

"In particular, whereas a totally inexperienced would-be Master would find it difficult to improvise the techniques necessary to establish an M/s relationship; the corresponding inexperienced female submissive can be led and moulded by a competent Master, with her lack of prior knowledge no impediment to learning." (

In this context, it also needs to be said that some self.proclaimed male dominants are not seeking long term relationships, despite their claims to the contrary, and are merely manipulating submissives with false promises and fake self-descriptions. If we look at the meaning of all this statistical data that Tanos and colleagues found, we can put it in this nutshell: There are more available female submissives than male dominants with whom a genuine M/s relationship could be started. Tanos sums it up like this:

"This observation leads to the concept of the Dominance Economy, in which real-life, competent dominance is a scarce resource, and this scarcity has negative consequences for both women and men." (

3. Consequences of "The Dominance Economy" (according to Tanos - compare

a) Female submissives need to invest extra effort to weed out dominants who exaggerate or blatantly lie about their desirability in terms of experience, knowledge, responsibility and even social status and employment.

b) In consequence to a), female submissives may not be able to rely on conventional female social norms of "waiting to be asked", and may need to make the first contact with a desirable dominant. This is something which many female submissives find very hard to do directly, as part of their general reluctance to risk rejection by asking for things. And i may add: It may be even harder towards a Dom who presents his many many years of RL experience ... might make a sub even more reluctant.

c) Not few submissives with a great need to be dominated might likely accept short-term, unhealthy or even abusive D/s relationships.

d) Male dominants must make extra effort to differentiate themselves from the large number of less than honest or clueless competitors. I think many of the dominants reading this can sing a song of this :-).

I hope to have presented a few valuable insights and ideas to You by this short essay, and I am looking forward to writing the second part on "Finding Enslavement" for You soon which will be about various places to use for partner search and myths used to deceive submissives online,

written by Mirjam Munro, October 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Gender Bender: Whats Sex Got To Do With It?

Humans are a funny creature. We like to have things sorted into boxes with neatly typed labels on them. Then when we see more than one item that looks similar, we can toss them both in the same box. Another item that's different for some reason? Toss it in its own box with its own little label. Everything is sorted, we know what is in each box (relatively speaking), and our desktop is clean.
But we keep trying to do this even when speaking about other people. For instance most of us were born one gender or another (yes there are some medical exceptions but for the most part either you were born with a penis or your were not). And every one of us, whether we knew it or not, was tossed into somebody else's "boy" or "girl" box. And once you were in that box you were expected to have certain generic tendencies. Let me explain what that little box looks like on the inside!
If you were born a girl, you were expected to "act like a girl" or a "young lady". It is the only way a girl could fit in the girl box. She has to sit quietly, never yell or be rude, never curse, never pass gas, never use the toilet, never get dirty, always be neatly get the idea. Girls are also supposed to be catty, jealous, and conniving. Stab you in the back if you get too close to her territory....But...what if you are none of those things? I don't think i get catty with people, nor jealous. I certainly am not in the habit of causing drama or backstabbing. I also use the toilet, pass gass from time to time, cuss when i need to and give my opinion whether it is asked for or not at times. far as i know i still have female parts. And even when i am opinionated and strong...i am still a submissive.
How about males? Guys are expected to "Gentlemen" and "A man's man" (whatever THAT means). They are to be strong like bull, never show emotion, be polite but make sure the woman knows her place, and habits like scratching, spitting and missing the toilet are expected. Guys are also expected to be one track minded (with that track in a tunnel), possessing of selective hearing,and leave their mates to become "football or baseball widows". But what of the men that are not these things? What of the men who are not ashamed to show emotion? What of the men that prefer to put the woman in their life before themselves? They don't have tunnel vision because they are not focused on only themselves. Is it possible to be a man and be a strong submissive? Is it possible for a Dominant male to care for another human with deep emotion? I cant speak for males but i can say that i have seen VERY Dominant males who did not need to punch holes in walls to prove they were strong. They did nothing but say one word. It was enough. And i have seen submissive males with more masculinity than the five top male athletes combined. They hold their Domme above them and will weather any pain or storm for that Domme (or DOM for that matter!).
So apparently humans are not so easy to compartmentalize. Just because you were born male or female does not mean you will fit into a "boy" or "girl" mold. The thing about people is that we live lives. We have experiences as we go through life. We have emotions that are wholly our own. And anyone who has ever burst out laughing or crying can tell you, you don't always control the emotion. Because of this basic fact alone, who are we to judge the role someone chooses for them self?
Is it OK that i am submissive just because i am girl? If you looked at me and said that i would punch you in the mouth for being a sexist piglet. When it comes to the Dominant moves, i have them down pat. I can out Dom half the Doms that come in the room. Why? Because i have sat through all the classes (hell i was there when those classes and concepts were outlined), understand all of the concepts, and know how to handle the job. But does that make me Dominant? Of course not. What makes me a submissive is what is in my heart. It is in my heart to please Master, to give Him the control of the relationship and the decisions, to feel the safety and security of being owned by Him. You cant teach that. Its either there or it isn't. I cant teach someone to BE submissive. They are or they are not. No one can teach me to BE Dominant. I simply am not. Its kind of like religion. Either you believe and have faith in something or you don't. You can go through the motions and say all the words. But that doesn't make you a believer.
So why do i bring this all up? Because it occurs to me from time to time in tidbits of conversations and attitudes, that we as a community are still judging things we have no right to judge. Who am i to look at someone and say "you're a girl so you're submissive and also catty and a drama queen"?. Or "you're a boy so you're a self centered pig headed he-man that's only good as a Dominant". By that same token, who would i be to look at a woman and say she does not have the right or ability to feel Dominant and BE Dominant? The same for male submissive. How do i know how they feel? How do i know what they have been through, what brings them satisfaction, or even what kind of person they are based on sex? ...Or race, sexual preference, or anything else. The fact is i know a lot of VERY good, strong female Dominants. And equally good, strong male submissives. They are being true to themselves and looking for the partner that makes them feel fulfilled. Anyone who has attended my classes knows..this is one of the most base components of finding a relationship that works. Honesty with yourself and who you really are before you can be honest with anyone else. And the only person who knows how you YOU.
My final Sub-Stance; its not our business to judge or compartmentalize others based on the exterior. Its not fair to stuff humans into "boy" and "girl" boxes then cover their mouths with tape when they complain. If you judge someone...make it on their actions and words. On the person they ARE. Not on how neatly they fit into your boxes.

Internal Enslavement 3 - "The Natural Slave"

This is the third essay of my series about "Internal Enslavement". This time I picked the subject "The Natural Slave". Most of what i am going to present here was inspired by the website that provides many interesting essays, a huge part of them was written by the RL Master Tanos who runs a poly D/s household in the UK.

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationship. When we speak of a "Natural Slave" we mean someone who is a slave by nature ... someone who has an innate or inborn character trait which predisposes them to slavery in some way. This means that while some people are predisposed to feeling comfortable under conditions of consentual slavery in D/s context, others are not. So not every submissive is going to feel comfortable and "at home" in a Master-slave-relationship.

Let's read what Aristotle said about these predispositions in the 4th century BC::

"The same holds good of animals in relation to men; for tame animals have a better nature than wild, and all tame animals are better off when they are ruled by man; for then they are preserved. Again, the male is by nature superior, and the female inferior; and the one rules, and the other is ruled; this principle, of necessity, extends to all mankind. Where then there is such a difference as that between soul and body, or between men and animals, the lower sort are by nature slaves, and it is better for them as for all inferiors that they should be under the rule of a master. For he who can be, and therefore is, another's and he who participates in rational principle enough to apprehend, but not to have, such a principle, is a slave by nature."

Quote taken from Aristotle, Politics, 1.V (translation by Benjamin Jowett)

So for Aristotle a slave was not competent to run their own lives. The reason he gave for it was inferior intellect - put on same level as animals even. It is important to know that many domestic servants in ancient times were not given the chance to develop the competency to run their own lives. We could say "They were kept at dull state". However, we know that other ancient societies, such as Imperial Rome or the Ottoman Empire, were largely administered by slaves and freed slaves.

And yes, we all definitely know that slaves in D/s context are definitely no dull brains. Tanos wrote in an essay on the IE website:

"In our modern experience of IE and TPE infact, submissive women appear, as a group, to be disproportionately intelligent and drawn from demanding professions such as teaching and healthcare."

I guess most of us would agree on this. Tanos suggests that we, as modern people and ambassadors of a healthy D/s lifestyle step back from Aristotle's position, and just start from "it is better for them ... that they should be under the rule of a master" (Aristotles words).
There are people in our modern society as well as in historic societies that are predespositioned to enjoy and live more happily and better under the rule of a master.

Why is it better for some submissives to be under the rule of a Master and become His property as an owned slave?
Here I am thinking about the human need for self actualization. Each one is more or less striving to become the person that he/she really is and to act one's self out in life. For some submissives it is an aspect of their nature that they need to be under control for fulfillment. When they are under control of a Dominant they trust in and accept as Master over themselves and their lives, they feel bliss when their personal freedom is restricted. They don't feel reactance that other people would feel when their personal freedom was in danger or taken away, and they don't rebel and fight in order to regain their personal freedom. I think the utterly important conditions for such are
* deep trust in the Dominant
* feeling of emotional safety in the M/s relationship
* consent to the nature of relationship as Master & slave and all its implications and
* positive experiences with the Master who hopefully won't abuse the right to take control over his possession for a negative outcome for the slave.

Which people are suited to slavery due to their nature in a way that is relevant for D/s or M/s?
*They feel secure when someone is giving them direction & guidance.
*They need certainty and security in their relationships.
*Their level of reactance when their personal freedom is put in danger or being restricted is different than it is for other people.
*To be happy and feel fulfilled, resting in their own identity, they need to feel control loss, someone taking control over them and caring for them well.

As mentioned above, a huge aspect of determining what constitutes the being of a "natural slave" is that they seem to show a lover level of every-day "Reactance" (psychological concept first described by Brehm in 1966). Reactance is an emotional reaction to mentally or really experienced restriction of personal freedom. A "natural slave" is experiencing and showing less of this "reactance" if freedom is restricted. A slave's level of reactance is "below average", so to speak.
Reactance normally leads to actions in order to reestablish the state of freedom that is being threatened or that was taken away, such could be acts of rebelllion, aggression and fight. In case the freedom cannot be restored there is a typical turning point that is described as "reaching the peak of reactance": giving in, trying to settle with the situation that seems unescapable ... when it is dramatic it can lead to depression or other negative psychical consequences.

But does this happen with submissives in D/s relationships, when the Dominant they trust in restricts their freedom?
It doesn't. Most submissives who consentually (!) are confronted with restriction of their freedom in D/s context experience less reactance than another being would. For some submissives, this "reactance peak" is not negative, they even seem to strive for it and find comfort by it ... as if they need their personal freedom to be restricted and as if they need to go beyond the peakpoint of reactance and have nothing left but the option to settle with the situation. This is what we call the need to be controlled. For some subs it more than fulfillment of a need, it is enjoyment, it is bliss. It is them who are called "natural slaves" in the concept of Internal Enslavement that we are dealing with.

On we can read:

"Submissives may experience lower levels of total Reactance (roughly stress), when their freedom is restricted, compared to when they are free; and that they also don't experience the depression and low performance which psychologists observe with "normal" people in psychologically defined helplessness."

One could say that a "natural slave" is someone who responds well to a lack of freedom or can't even handle freedom. He/she needs a strong sense of boundaries externally defined to have emotional comfort, and it might be connected to a sense of self worth that a "natural slave" also needs externally defined. (Many thanks to the persons behind the SL avatars Yvana Zadark and Tergen Sadofsky for these thoughts!).

We find a description of this on as well:

"We can go further and use Reactance to define a type of slave: a Natural Slave is a slave for whom slavery can be better than freedom, since they have the capacity to experience less Reactance when living in that condition, without the depression normally associated with Helplessness. Thus they are suited to slavery by their nature - by some inherent quality of their psychological makeup."
"Even though Natural Slaves in this IE sense may experience slavery as a positive experience, other factors in their environment may prevent this. Notably, if the Master behaves in a destructive way, ignoring fundamental needs, then the Helplessness may become negative rather than positive for the slave."

As a summary, "natural slaves" are characterized by a predesposition that lets them seek and even crave and need slavery and control loss, restriction of personal freedom deliberately. They need to be controlled and guided, and have a hard time when they are not. This also stresses the importance of a steady solid bond with their Owner in D/s context that is characterized by consent, deep trust, feeling of safety, consistency, radical openness and honesty, responsible reliable care for the slave's needs and guidance and control in many if not all areas of the slave's life.

If You want to read about "Reactance" in greater detail, I advise you these two resources:

The conclusion drawn by Tanos on is this:

"This would suggest that Internal Enslavement may only be possible with Natural Slaves, since the trust and intimacy (in the Transactional Analysis sense) that forms the emotional bondage would be inhibited if the helpless state were destructive rather than positive for the subject."

I hope this is an inspiring hypothesis for all of You and that it may stimulate Your mental processing about the dynamics of Master-slave-relationships and the conditions that their longterm success requires. Nothing can be commanded and forced onto a person when it is against his/her being, his/her natural condition. Thanks for reading this essay and I am looking forward to presenting You more about "Internal Enslavement" in the next articles.

written by Mirjam Munro, October 2011

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why is it so hard for a sub male to find a Dom woman?

The question, "Why finding a Female Domme is so hard for Sub men"

Challenge accepted mother f**ker, lets do this.

Lets start with the basics shall we?

First, we all know that there are far more Submissive/Claim to be Submissive men on the BDSM scene than there is Domme women. This in itself creates a massive challenge for just finding a woman that is a Domme, single, active and looking for a submissive man. I reckon the odds on this are 5 too 1 before we begin.

Next, women prefer to do things slowly and on their own terms. This most defiantly goes doubly for Domme women, they tend to enjoy the slow and delicate process of becoming acquainted with a person before even broaching the subject of submission. Women understand that the person comes before the kink, thus finding the right person is a slow process. Men on the other hand do not for the most part understand this ideal.

Then, take into account that Domme women enjoy power. Power for them is not derived over the internet and while FL is a good medium to say hi, far too many Sub men want to air out their kink right away online. Domme or not, a woman is generally not attracted too cyber sex. Sub men seem to push for it like its the be all end all.

Now, Domme women view their Dominance too you a gift. The same way they view your submission to them a gift. A gift should never be given lightly and when a Sub man approach's a Domme he doesnt know on a personal level and offers it without hesitation, the Domme knows he doesn't value this gift. If he doesnt value his own submission enough to get to know the Domme how could he ever really appreciate the gift of her domination?

Also, every Domme woman is different and unique in their own way. Just like women in vanilla life, there really is very little difference. This is something Sub men seem to miss. Yes you want to get to your knees and kiss her shoes but why would you treat her any differently to a normal woman you are trying to attract? Why lead with "I will do X for you goddess" over getting to know her personally and really learning whats shes like as a person? This is a common mistake, do not confuse submission with weakness guys. Just because shes a Domme woman doesnt mean you should approach her with your tail between your legs, be confident always.

Alas, most of that was foreplay for the real reason Sub men have such a hard time finding a Mistress. Most Sub men(and I saying this being one) are complete and utter fucking idiots who wouldnt understand common sense and etiquette if it bit their cock off. I have seen how the bulk of Sub men appraoch a Domme woman and it usually goes like this:

Would you like to spank my ass and ride me with a strap on Mistress? I will do whatever you ask and be your slave
Now lads, What in the name of Christ is this kinda shite? The majority of sub men are after one thing, they want to satisfy their OWN wants and desires. Why exactly would this be something a Domme woman would want? The combination of idiocy and seeking their own agendas will instantly turn a Domme(or any other woman) off instantly.

Buttttttttttttttttttttttttt! What about us "real" Subs you ask? The guys that are genuine, want nothing more than to serve a Dominant woman etc etc. Well lads, I hate to break it too you but we are fucked.

Considering the usual most Domme women put up with on a regular basis why would they entertain you given that your probably no different than them? They wont simply because every time they do give a Sub a chance they usually pick the wrong one and end up with a complete wanker of a man.

Too long?

Ok heres the cliff notes,

8/10 Sub men are illiterate morons
1/10 are into Dom's so they dont need to worry about this crap
Then the 1/10 thats left are royally fucked for finding a Domme due to the fact were outnumbered by the idiots.

Any good news?

Well I have some advice for you, though you dont need to take it. I just feel like sharing.

Finding a Domme, or more to it the right Domme is a very, very, very hard thing to do. It may take years to meet that person, a lot like meeting the right person in vanilla life. Therefore you shouldn't treat finding a Domme any differently than finding a woman.

Be different, be confident, be causal, be yourself over everything else. Be the person you are deep down and apprach the Domme you like as that man, not the sub with his tail between his legs. When you look at successful D/s relationships you always notice that while the Male is Sub, he is far from weak. They are usually very happy, confident and secure in themseleves, learn something from that.

Approach that special Domme with every intention of her being yours and youll be hers. Treat her as a person first because you havent earned the right to treat her as a Domme before you know her.

Like dude, a lot of this is very common sense but I thought id throw my hat in anyway. I hope you meet the Domme of your dreams, just the same as I hope to meet mine!

Copied from fetlife group "Submissive men and women who love them" with permission from author, Punishment.
Original post here on fetlife group "Submissive men and women who love them":

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Pig In A Thousand Dollar Suit

My siblings in service, what is the one thing we have drilled into us at every turn? The one warning that keeps us in check? That we represent our Dominants in word and action. It is our responsibility to behave with grace and honor no matter the situation because any wrong word could be viewed as a failure on the part of our Dominant. And none of us who care deeply for our Dominant wants to be responsible for shaming them.
So it goes that we quietly fold our hands and turn the other cheek when someone else behaves badly toward us. We bite our tongue out of our head and turn to our Dominant to handle the situation. Anything less would be taking away the power of our Dominant as our defender and protector.

Welllll....OK so we TRY. Sometimes we do react when we should not. Sometimes we are human and no matter how hard we try, we can not be perfect. Luckily for some of us we were blessed by having a Dominant that either grants us some ability to defend ourselves in Their absence, or listens to both sides of a situation before deciding we were shameful. For those wise Dominants who realize that in some cases a strong SUBMISSIVE person will not always lie down and play doormat, thank You on behalf of submissives and slaves everywhere. Sometimes we react. It may not have the results we had expected. Sometimes it even turns out that we were wrong. For those moments when we reacted in the wrong, we know we will be punished. But not half so much as we will punish ourselves for bringing shame to our Dominant.

But after some events i have come to the conclusion that not all "Dominants" may be so deserving of this act from their submissive/slave. Plug your noses as W/we head into the pigpen of the "domwannabies"! Something stinks in here, and somehow the submissives/slaves are stuck down wind on this problem.

Let me paint a picture. I will use my favorite unfortunate subbie Sallie. She is sitting quietly in the corner. At the center of the room is her "Dominant" having a very loud and angry disagreement with another person over who stepped on who's foot crossing the room. No, DumDom isn't drunk (though He has been known to act the same way in that condition). And everyone in the room is rolling their eyes going "here we go again!" And there is poor Sallie red as a beet. She can not begin to express her embarrassment.

No, REALLY. She is not allowed to just stand up and yell at her Dominant "Knock it off already! I'm so embarrassed i could crawl into this floor! Cant W/we go anywhere without you humiliating me?!" She has to sit there with her head down while a million eyes turn in pity toward her. She can not express her own humiliation. And no one else will contact her to tell her her Dominant needs to stop because He is bringing HER shame. But hey! On a good note, Sallie is very well behaved. No one is going to say she has brought any shame to her Dom.

See, it breaks down like this; you can dress a pig in a thousand dollar suit but underneath it is just a pig. Sallie is a thousand dollar suit. Well pressed, sits nicely, and shows quiet grace. But under the silk lining she is hiding a pig. No matter how pressed she is, its still a pig.

Now don't get me wrong. I would never say that Dominants are not allowed to have bad days. I would never say, either, that they are not allowed to react badly to something or have meltdowns. Yes put your Dominant on a pedestal. I sure do! But i also remember that He is a person too. He is supposed to get upset now and then. I do not ask that He be perfect grace every moment of every day any more than He expects me to be.

What i am talking about are those "Dominants" who strut around with over inflated egos. The ego so big there is not room enough IN a room for it. This person could take exception to a squirl looking at them cross eyed. They never see themselves as over reacting to anything even after balling out a waiter for ten minutes because there was a spot on the linen. In this person's mind they are being "strong" and "Dominant". It never occurs to them that in every other mind in the room, they are being a pig. They are stomping, bellowing, and squealing over something that likely was not worth that much effort. But of course they have to let the world know THEY ARE NOT HAPPY! And someone had better fix that pronto! At every turn they fail to show grace or tact or even general dignity. I am talking about those who claim the "Dominant" title but have only managed to earn a reputation as Drama Child in every circle they go to.

The fact is, no submissive or slave can make this domwannabie look good no matter HOW pressed the submissive/slave is. Sallie can be perfect in every way. She can sit perfectly, give that great look of importance and well tailored grace without having to say a word. And all of her work is lost the moment the domwannabie opens their mouth. Worse, she is the pigs suit. She has no choice but to sit there while the pig slings up mud on her. The pig does not notice or care that they ALSO represent the household. Not just their own name. The submissive/slave will be judged accordingly. Don't believe me? Be a fly on the wall after the pig leaves. Before long the first thing you will hear is "poor Sallie! Can you imagine having to kneel to that every day? I wonder if he beats her with that temper!" Worst of all, Sallie has no action she take for this other than take off the collar and walk. With a person like this, Sallie would likely be too afraid to speak about her feelings. They probably don't matter much anyway. There was a saying my father  had on a bumper sticker:
Teaching a pig to talk is a waste of time. It makes you look silly and annoys the pig!

So, you see, Sallie's hands are tied and there is no pleasure at all in this sort of knot. She will never be able to make the pig think about action reflecting on the household. She will never be able to gather even a whisker of shame for the actions that humiliated her. It is not her place. After a while she will become worn under all that mud and fall apart. She will fall away from the pig and all the fine grace she gave the pig will be gone. The pig will be naked and exposed. Not that anyone around didn't already know the thing was a pig. Only when the suit falls off, the pig will no longer be able to fool itself into thinking it was special.

My final Sub-Stance; the greatest and finest submissive or slave in the world can not make a bad Dom look good. Nothing can. But a bad Dom can make themselves AND their household (submissive/slave) look pitiful. And while its OK to snort from time to time over something, being so selfish and self centered that you toss a tantrum over just a great way to become another naked pig!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Shy Violet or Venus Fly Trap?

If you have ever seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" then you know what my childhood looked like. Just exchange Italian for Greek. Within the first five minutes i was reliving my childhood as "a swarthy six year old with sideburns". So it should be no surprise that in my younger years i was painfully shy. When i talked to people i would turn bright red and stare at the floor. And never a moment went by that i didn't feel like the whole world was staring at me.

Question; do you think a true shy Violet like this would contact a stranger out of the blue? Answer; not unless their shorts were on fire and they needed help. Even then....maybe!

Now we all know about the "domwannabies". They are easy to spot. They stick a "Dom" tag over their head in world and command the first submissive/slave they see to kneel and serve. Then they have the audacity to act incensed when the sub/slave answers "who you think YOU talkin' to" and moves on. Yes, domwannabies are easy to spot and even easier when they open their mouths.

But what about shy violets? From reading my own writing i would surmise most people would not attribute that with me. But you are not physically standing here with me. I can not look up and see judgement in someones eyes. And its been 30 plus years since those days for me. Master has helped me conquer much of my natural withdrawn state. Which brings me to my point. Shy violets have natural behaviors even online. There are certain things they simply wont do. Instant Messaging a stranger out of the blue? Not unless YOUR shorts are on fire and they are offering to help. And that is another violet trait. They tend to be helpful nurturing souls.

Unfortunately there are also the Venus Fly Traps i mentioned in the title. They give off the scent of violet with sweetness like "I'm so shy" or "i am not normally like this". But if these words come from a random stranger i guarantee you its not a violet. Its a fly trap luring someone in. Violets are also not prone to be exhibitionists either. If "i don't normally do this" is followed by "but I'm horny and i see you are a Dom"..YUP. Its a trap. Grant you, there are people here looking just for kink But if You are Dominant looking for a true submissive/slave then beware of the fly traps. Chances are if You listed in Your profile "looking for that sweet sub/slave heart" the fly trap will read this and coat their tongue in violet perfume.

But this is not someone interested in being submissive. Once You step on the trap, that jaw will snap shut, suck you dry, and spit you right back out. And YES i intended you to take that in any way you want to. It all adds up to the same thing. Venus Fly Traps are kinksters not lifestylers. They are not interested in long term commitment. What they want is to satisfy their kink and move on. And if that means tricking a fly, they have no problem with it. Its all part of the role and game. The good news is that the human fly traps don't have half the patience of their plant namesake. Remember their goal is just to lure you in long enough to satisfy their kink.If you take your time, ask a few questions, they will get bored, snap off some rude comment and move on. What is the point of trying to lure in a quickie if it takes months just to get close to you?

OK, so how does one spot a true violet? In times past, the only place to meet any lifestyler in SL was at places like Bondage Ranch. Even i spent some time there. But a true violet will not be in a full kneel position with "no limits" on the tag over their head. They will be hanging back by the fence watching and trying not to get in the way. Nowadays, the newer violets to the lifestyle can seek out educational and safe sims where they can get information without pressure. Violets like to know what they are getting into before they jump. Still not sure they are a violet? Check out the profile. If they say "I'm shy" and their groups are all hardcore...YUP its a fly trap. This also tends to be true of those who hide their groups. Yes, some people prefer privacy of their groups. Others are not interested in being pursued by Doms at this point. But if they invite you to IM because "ohmygooness i SOOO shy"...AND they hide groups? How big your teeth are!! Violets tend to join groups for shopping, or skills like building and scripting. Anything that will allow them to be part of a group and mingle without calling attention to themselves.

Another clue to a true violet; remember violets are introverts with strangers. If you just met someone claiming to be a violet that pours out their life story about sexcapades, sex abuse etc...RUN. Violets need lots of warmth and gentle treatment without a big spotlight on them. In other words you will have to work hard to earn their trust enough before they tell you diddly squat about their private world. They are not looking to call attention to themselves. ESPECIALLY their private thoughts. And while they may be in touch and learning about their submissive tendencies, they are not about to shout that info across whole sims. Fly traps have no problem crossing the TMI line. In fact sometimes you cant get them to close the mouth! And they will lay on the sweet broken shtick too. You know..."i give so much but everyone just wants to hurt poor poor me". Not something a violet will toss on the doorstep of a person they met a half hour ago. If they were hurt, you are going to have to earn the right to be told. And FYI..the "poor sweet meoh" types will use that very same excuse when they are spitting you out and running for the boarder a week later. "I was hurt and sorry but bye". They have played their game and honestly have no care for any hurt they cause to others.

My final Sub-Stance; To find true violets, you have to look in quiet, not so lit corners. Their scent, while sweet, is subtle and not overpowering. And if you want to see them in full flower, perhaps add them to your own garden of life...patience is required. They will blossom but only if you are gentle, give lots of warmth while letting them grow into the sun on their own time. But once they have started to thrive and stretch under your care, they will be ever blooming. Their roots will grow deep and strong. You will have a quietly strong yet delicate bloom that will cling tenaciously to your garden no matter what the weather.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT part 2 - "Communication strategies - Transactional Analysis applied in D/s context"

The concept of "Internal Enslavement" (IE) that I am referring to in this series of articles is described on the website I find the ideas presented in the essays on this website very thought provoking and inspiring, and as a submissive D/s lifestyler I can relate to a lot mentioned there.

The concept "Internal Enslavement" (=IE) deals with the question if a radical consensual slavery is possible in an M/s context that is based on the pillars of safety, sanity, consensual and mutual trust, respect and commitment, in the physical, emotional and mental area of relationships. According to Tanos who is running the Internal Enslavement Website the answer is yes. He has done scientific research in this field and gathered a lot of experience from his own life as a Master living together with his slaves in a poly household for several years. It is assumed that radical consensual slavery is possible (-> TPE = Total Power Exchange). It is a goal you can work towards step by step. The supporters of the concept of IE also believe that there are certain techniques derived from psychological knowledge that help with the "examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership" (

With this article, I would like to present one of the various psychological theories and methods that can help with enslaving a submissive and growing the M/s bond. It is a well-known communication theory, called "Transactional Analysis". As we all know, communication is a big part of the actions and dynamics between a Dominant and a submissive. Success and failure of a relationship are often correlated with how well the partners can communicate with each other and understand each other. Being open with each other and being willing to share is essential to the success of any human relationship, and in D/s relationships even more so.

One famous book presenting the communication theory of Transactional Analysis (=TA) has this title "I'm OK - You're OK". It was written by Thomas Harris and was published in 1967. The book title desribes the goal of successful communication: Both partners participating in a transactional process / communication, should feel okay in the end and also see that the other is okay. This is called the "healthy position". Why is it called position? When I start to communicate with someone, it should be my standpoint, focus and goal - and in this sense position - that i want him/her and (!) myself to be okay in the course and outcome of the transactional process. The "healthy position" describes a mindset.

It is not healthy when my partner is okay but i am not okay or the other way round. And of course, when none of the communication partners feels okay, it is the worst form of a communcation that is a failure - it is called the "hopeless position". We could also call it the "dead end" of a transactional process and it is very hard to find a way out there during the same conversation.

Before i get in more details about TA, here is some background of this psychological concept. In the early 20th century, Freuds psychoanalytical theories became very popular. Freud believed that personality had three components, all of which must work together to produce our complex behaviors. These three components or aspects were the Id, Ego, and the Superego. One of Freud's greatest contributions to psychological research was that the human personality is multi-faceted. Regardless of the classification or name given to a particular area of personality (id, superego, etc.), each individual possesses factions that frequently collide with each other. And it is these collisions and interactions between these personality factions that manifest themselves as an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Now Eric Berne, the founder of the Transactional Analysis, believed that Freud's proposed structures are "concepts... [and not]
phenomenological realities" (Berne, Eric. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press, Inc., New York, 1961.) So Berne dealt with the phenomenological realities. And these are the actions of individuals. How they conduct themselves in the social environment.So Berne's therapist approach was not to ask the client a lot of exploring questions such as a freudian psychoanalytical therapist would do. He rather watched the client's actions when he/she acted in a social group. Tracked and analyzed how their transactions were. How they communicated ... what position they took in the transactional processes.

I think you already see what meaning Berne's approach carries for D/s relationships and enslavement. By watching a submissive's actions when interacting with other people, analyzing how his/her transactions are, how he/she communicates ... can help a lot with getting to know the inside of the submissive better and to get knowledge about how to best communicate with the sub in order to reach him/her in his/her depths and further enhance enslavement.

Transactional Analysis is based on the fundamental theory of how our brain records and memorizes events: The human brain acts in many ways like a camcorder, vividly recording events. While that event may not necessarily be able to be consciously retrieved by the owner, the event always exists in the brain. Both the event and the feelings experienced during that event are stored in the brain. The event and the feelings are locked together, and neither one can be recalled without the other. When an individual replays his or her experiences, he or she can replay them in such a vivid form that the individual experiences again the same emotions he or she felt during the actual experience. I think we have all had plenty of communication situations when a feeling stored in our brains from a past experience, for example, came back into our mind very vividly and influenced our communication. This is not only relevant for aspects of safety in D/s (traumas suddenly surfacing etc.), but also for effective communication of Dominant and submissive trying to grow internal enslavement.

Depending on our past and current experiences and feelings and precognitions of our future, our ego can assume different states. TA speaks of the PARENT, ADULT and CHILD ego state, and these ego states surface in the transactional actions of an indidivual during communication. Someone who maybe had very overpowering and strict parents during childhood might tend to still go into the child's rebellion when somebody talks to him/her in parent mode such as "you should do this and this" ... "why didn't you ...". This is just one example. These ego states and their mutual influence on one another during transactional processes (communication) can be analyzed, and this is what TA is about. Goal of TA is to help individuals reflect themselves better when they communicating or preparing a conversation and to help them achieve the healthy position in communication more often. It should be clear that in order enslave a submissive successfully, the healthy position in communication of Dominant and submissive is ultimatelty important and should be strived for.

To become more concrete ... let's think of a Dom and a sub talking to each other. What could be a typical sentence coming out of a "PARENT ego state" of the Dominant, influenced by behaviors, thoughts and feelings copied/learned from his/her parents or parents figures? Examples such as "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you", "I've trained you better than that", "You don't want to disappoint me, do You?" come to mind. Now, which reaction could follow on the sub's side? It often happens that "parent ego state" provoques a response coming out of "CHILD ego state", which is not surprising. We have all been primed by our past experiences, and the impact of our family socialization is a huge one. So it might happen that a submissive answers "All the other Doms let their subs do it", and we are reminded of the rebellion of a teenage child against the father or mother. Among adults, the relation "parental ego state talking to child ego state" normally leads to communication problems and/or miscommunications. This way, the healthy state "I am OK You are OK" seems to be out of reach. Now, how would an ADULT ego state react to "I do not expect that kind of behavior from you?". One example is: Ask back, ask for info to be able to reflect better. Try to get info to understand the Dom in the right way. Say something that presents ability to self reflect and not be carried away by childish emotions that may lead to reactions of rebellion or shame.

Let me give another example: The Dominant gives an order (parental), and the sub says "But ..... is too difficult for me. I can't do this myself. I need your help." (child). Response coming out parent ego state would be: "Awww of course ... let me help you ..." and then pamper pamper pamper and/or rule rule rule may follow. An adult ego might try to strengthen the powers of the "child-like" communication partner, trying to open ressources to him/her and help him/her to have trust that he/she will find the right way and offer cooperative (!) support in it ... but not do things instead of the "helpless child". Empower the submissive ... and not act out power instead of the submissive and let him/her lazily lean back in childish helplessness which is the opposite of helping a sub grow which is a goal many Dominants and subs have. So to speak, an adult ego might try to empower the "child ego" he/she is interacting with get into "adult ego state" as well.

In general, a recipe for working towards healthy communication is this: When you hear a "parent ego" talk to you, try to respond in the "adult state" (and not in child ego state), and when you have a "child ego" talk to you don't try to respond as "parent ego" but as "adult ego" as well.

Question is: Do we need to apply this wisdom of TA to communication between a Dominant and a submissive and give them this recipe?

We know that some Dominants want their subs responsible and understanding like adults, while other Dominants (for example Daddy Doms) often prefer a more paternal role, and might find child like responses appealing on some situations as they can reinforce the atmosphere and roles.We also know that in D/s relationships quite many submissives tend to live their "inner child" and enjoy doing so. Different relationships actually thrive on the different transactional roles. It belongs to the great freedoms of D/s lifestyle that we can chose, based on consent with the partner(s) involved. It is possible that achieving a "healthy position" is possible for a specific
Dom and a sub when they talk "parent to child and child to parent" during some time. I nevertheless doubt that it is possible for them to maintain a stabile bond of D/s and communicate effectively in a healthy way if they did this all the time, and never talked "adult to adult".

It becomes clear that communication requires a lot of self reflectivity and reflectivity of the other's condition and words if we want it to be "healthy communication" ("I am OK You are OK" ). Many submissives seem to seek something parental in the Dominant and tend to react from child position, living their "inner child" freely and enjoyably in their D/s relationship if the Dominant is a good match. The question at hand is: Wouldn't it be better if the Dom tried to communicate as adult and not as parent, in order to not get a "child response" but the reaction of an "adult"? it is clear that as grown-ups and adult people we do not need to copy our parents ... as adults we have our own individuality, minds and knowledge and experience of ourselves. But
we need to be aware that even without intention we might transact in the child position or parents position.

In D/s context specifically, we need to be aware that it might be a deep need of a sub to be accepted and communicate taking the "child position", as well as it might be a need of a Dominant to be "paternal". We also know that Daddy/daughter style of D/s relationships is not uncommon. We also need to be aware that the experience of "parent to child and child to parent" communication that feels like "I am OK You are OK" ("healthy position") within a D/s relationship can be quite therapeutic and it might help specific Dominants and or submissives to overcome problematic experiences dating out of their childhood.

On a wise statement of a female slave can be read:
"Knowing how this all affected me, and knowing what I have learned about the ego states, I am convinced of how unhealthy it would be for anyone to be encouraged to use just one ego state. By encouraging the use of one ego state (Child) at the expense of the others (Adult and Parent) would be to deny us from using the very things which have kept most of us (particularly submissives) safe all our lives. We would become incapable of using all the healthy ways of coping, with life and with ourselves."

If relationship roles (such as "Daddy Dom - daugther sub") match the transactional roles and transactions are perceived as healthy ("I am OK You are OK"), then transactions reinforce the relationship roles. Hence it is very important to again and again analyze and reflect relationship and transaction roles and their alignment in order to achieve a stabile D/s bond and deepen enslavement.The goal in communication, thinking in the lines of TA, is to empower each other to the healthy "I am ok You are ok" position during and after communication. For some this might work best talking "parent to child and child to parent", for some "adult to adult".

Conclusion yet again: Know Your Dominant, know Your sub, know Yourself. Dare and care to use the knowledge for communication as well. Be interested in the partner's individuality and have fun exploring.

written by Mirjam Munro, September 2011