Whether its in world or in blog, most of my work is based on the dynamics of the poly/multi house. Perhaps this is because of all the topics involving the lifestyle, this is the one that is the most challenging. When you think about it, everything a submissive learns is needed when entering a poly household. Everything from being able to understand your own needs, to communication with your Dominant, building trust, and building respect..all of it is needed when entering poly. Why?
We need to know our limits and feelings, we need to be able to communicate them effectively, we need to be able to trust our Dominants decision when bringing a new sibling into the household, and we need to respect both our sibling and the relationship between sibling and Dominant. All of these need to be in line if the poly house is to survive. What happens when something is off? Yup, rivalry. Let me describe some of the most common scenarios i have witnessed to explain my point.
A Dominant introduces a new sibling to the relationship too quickly (for instance suddenly arriving with this new sibling unannounced one day) the result can be just as swift. The first girl, having no previous knowledge that Dominant was even considering another submissive, is thrown into a turmoil. As a submissive i can tell you what those feelings will be.
1) How did my Dominant know this person and for how long? How long have i been kept in the dark?
2) What am i doing wrong?
3) Am i not pleasing Dominant any longer? Am i being replaced?
4) This was never mentioned that i would have siblings. When did Dominant change His/Her mind?
Point one is a total destruction of trust. The Dominant did not share what was going on with the first girl. Now she feels secrets are being kept from her and loses that bond of trust upon which she has built her entire submission. Point two is the natural tendency for any submissive to take responsibility for things even if they had no control. They automatically assume they are doing something wrong that prompted the Dominant to bring in someone new. Which leads automatically to point three. That feeling the first girl will have that she is no longer pleasing to the Dominant. That this new girl is her replacement and she is soon to be tossed to the curb. Finally point four. She was never told about this change and was caught off guard completely. She has had no time process the information or even to understand why the Dominant is bringing this new person into the household. Keep in mind too that if the submissive is newer to the lifestyle a Dominant may have to spend more time training and teaching that submissive before trying to introduce a new dynamic.
The end result of this scenario is just as swift as the emotions that come to the first girl. I have seen houses fall in an hour. When no consideration is made for the first girls feelings about changing the structure of the household and it is tossed in her lap how can she have trust? Clearly the decision was not made with her best interest at heart (the whole point of submitting to someone we trust) because her heart was not considered. Certainly it is the Dominants right to run the household as They see fit but as Master does say in His classes "Dominant has the final say but the submissive has the final action". Usually the final action a submissive has almost immediately is the removal of the collar.
Next scenario! Dominant does talk to the first girl. She is told of the Dominants interest in expanding the house and even introduced to the new girl before any collar is given to the new one. They are given time to spend together in each others company to start a sibling bond. But immediately first girl senses something off with this new one. She tries to make nice but something about the way the new one behaves or speaks sounds disrespectful or even mean. She wants to talk to her Dominant and share her concerns but Dominant is so keen on having this new submissive They don't allow first girl to speak or hear her if she is allowed to speak.
Dominants of the world please. Take time to listen to your first girl if she has concerns about someone. You don't have to make any decision right away but pay attention to this new person. Perhaps you are only given one side (the good side) while your girl is being disrespected behind your back. It is also just as true first girl may be having doubts based more on her own insecurities than actual fact. But shouldn't you know your first girl is feeling insecure? Should not that be addressed if that turns out to be the issue? Doubts and fears about a change in the household are very natural but it is important to resolve the root of those feelings if a healthy house is to be built.
Next scene. The household is being built and all SEEMS ok on the surface. Perhaps even Dominant is not really aware of any issues. But underneath it all the siblings are barely tolerant of each other. They have tried to form a bond but can find no common ground. Worse, they both may not wish to be the first to say anything for fear of displeasing Dominant. Neither of them may have done anything wrong but they simply cant seem to stand each other. Unfortunately we all have that issue in this world. Some people just rub us the wrong way and we are unable to really explain why. There is no good reason. We just plain don't like being around them and their little quirks turn into serious annoyances.
In this instance Dominant needs to be very aware. He or She needs to be able to sense when there is tension in the room. Does the family chat and have fun all together? Do the siblings spend time together when you are not there? Do they talk of each other when the other is not around? If a sibling bond is truly formed they will praise each other openly. If it is not being well formed they may speak very little of the other (barely nice about it) or mention "little" things that made them "annoyed" but not want expand on the issue. Tension in the household that is not addressed will eventually mushroom. Ever make one of those "Pop Fresh" popcorn in a tin things where the foil rises up and up until it bursts? Not pleasant to deal with in a household. And unless the heat itself is turned off and the issues addressed, it almost certainly will end badly.
And Finally. Dominant introduces the new submissive into the household and decides to form a hierarchy for the sake of the happiness of first girl. First girl comes before the new one and should (of course) be the role model. But it is made clear that she is also AHEAD of the new one at all times. This set up has been referred to as "stairway to heaven", where there is one head submissive and each one added is a step lower. While again the Dominant has the right make that choice, please be aware of the impending doom. This set up inherently creates rivalry. The first may consider her/him self to be above the others in all things and actually try to dominate. They may not even be aware of it, but they treat the "lower" submissives as beneath them quite literally as people. The "lower" submissives may turn around and see the "first or head" submissive as an obstacle to overcome. Like climbing the rungs of a business ladder. They may have the feeling that if they can topple the first, then they can enjoy the top rung.
A set up like this is a sure fire way to start fireworks but i must also make clear a difference between a stair way and a commitment. Dominant made the first commitment to the first. Making sure that the new submissive understands they are not LESS than the first (both loved and honored equally) or that favorites will be played. But that if a bond is unable to be reached between the two, the first bond is the first one respected. In other words, the new one may have to look for another household. Does this open the door for first to behave badly? It sure does. First can very easily use this as an excuse to push the second one away by using petty arguments and behavior and then claim the bond "just isn't there". But the first commitment is one of responsibility NOT entitlement. If a first behaves badly and uses that bond as an excuse, that bond becomes null and void. Pay attention fellow firsts! Just because you have that first bond and commitment with Master is NOT an excuse to be petty or pick fights. In fact just the opposite. It is even more reason to uphold the honor of that bond by being open and kind. If you do not respect that bond, you don't deserve it.
Now, as the title indicates there is a part two to this blog and also obvious that it will be the submissives roll in the cat fight. After all, the Dominant is not the only one with responsibility in the poly house. But i chose them first because They are the ones to make that decision and they are the ones who have the final say. If a Dominant makes the choice to change the dynamics of a household then they need to be aware of the trouble that could come of it. It only makes sense to make the change carefully, honestly, and with consideration of any submissive already owned at heart.
As for my usual final Sub-Stance, i will hold that until i have finished the second half ;)
