Sunday, May 1, 2011

Compersion...The "anti" jealousy

If I had to pick the most popular topic I am asked about, it would have to be " How and why are you successful in a healthy and happy poly amorous household?"

I can tell you that this question comes from those from the BDSM lifestyle MORE then it comes from the vanilla world. (at least when I am asked anyway) Because it is something that is intriguing within our lifestyle. Is it something that is unusual? No, in fact it is more the rule than the exception as there are more poly households within our lifestyle than mono. The question was, however, " How is it successful?"....Hmmm....That tells me that even though our lifestyle is about acceptance and focusing on our true inner strengths, it is still a struggle in many households.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have some "magical" gift of knowing how to build a healthy household. In fact, ours was one that took a LONG time to build and a lot of growth, patience, and education. I am not sure I can sit here and give you a road map to success, but if I had to break it all down to one word? That word would be "compersion"

Ahhhhh.....I see everyone is about to google that word.....Well....Let me make it easy for you and I will paste the definition:

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

To put it into D/s..M/s terms:   Happiness and Joy is experienced when a submissive/slave sees their Dominant experiencing joy and happiness through another. One thing I can say that exists in my household is pure compersion. Is that the reason for the success? No, not on its own, but one thing is for certain, we would not be a family if compersion was not present. My girls understand that I have an instinctive need to care for others. This is not a sexual thing and certainly not an ego trip for me. As a Dominant, caring for, protecting, advising, nurturing, and directing is as natural to me as walking and talking. It is part of who I am and always will be. That being said, they find true joy when they see the happiness that they provide for me individually. This is not a competition, it is an acceptance of our core values as a family. That includes those I advice, coach, and mentor "outside" of our family as well.

Now, here is a question that may raise an eyebrow...." Can you teach compersion?" ...Hmmm... I am here to tell you that I did not teach my girls compersion. That is something they felt naturally long before meeting me and it is deep rooted within their submission. That is in fact the "gift" that is offered by a sub/slave. It CANNOT be ordered, commanded, or expected by a Dominant. It also cannot be used as an excuse for a Dominant to engage in reckless behavior, then in turn expect that "compersion" should exist and therefore there is no need for communication.

This is why it is imperative that you focus on alignment at the onset of the relationship. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.

If you are a sub/slave and find it difficult to find happiness from your Dominant sharing his/her time with others, I encourage you to take this article to heart. Why? because the moment that your happiness comes before your Dominants, you cease to be submissive. Now, as I said earlier, as Dominants we cannot engage in reckless behavior and hide behind the compersion expectation. We serve our households as well and we are committed to care for their needs. So, if you have a slave/sub who shows true compersion, don't be a fool and make unilateral decisions and expect perfect obedience in return.

Build with quality and be willing to take months or even years to make sure your household is happy and healthy before moving into a poly environment. If you show up one day with a new sub/slave and introduce them to your household and say" Meet you new sister/brother!" and expect that natural compersion will fix everything. I am here to tell you that you will fail miserably.

If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for! Both of my girls are wonderful women. Many of you know them and see them as healthy, intelligent, happy, secure and articulate, and you would be correct in that they are! But, they had to have faith in me as their Master and once they had that they were able to show their amazing qualities and connect with each other. Their connection to me brings them the compersion we are talking about, but more importantly their connection with each other as siblings makes it "unshakable".

In closing, compersion is the true heart of the gift of submission, but it is a quality that is earned by the Dominant. It is not something that can be expected to cure every issue within the family, but it must exist if the family is going to be healthy and happy. Trust and personal connections are essential between siblings within the home. Once this quality is achieved it become a source of strength within the family and it serves as a force to protect against toxic mindsets.